JANUARY 24, 1907
15
The Kcbrccha Independent
I Mr. Dooley
"See," said Mr. Dooley, "they've sint
us a new Ambassadure fr'm England.
X don't invy th' poor man."
"Isn't it a good job?" asked Mr. Hen
nessy. .
"It used to be," said Mr. Dooley. "It
wed to be a fine Job, If ye were tired
an' needed a rest. NowthhY to do all
day bat kick because Joe Cannon was
let into dinner ahead It ye an' decidln'
wad ye wear th' green an' yellow pants
or th pale blue knee breeches to th'
White House. Hogan says he see th
diplomats together wan time In
Washtrton. There was a few white men
among thim but th' rest looked like a
muster iv th' Knights iv th' Goolden
Star (colored) on Emancypatlon Day.
"In thim good old times th' foreign
nations sint us f r a diplomat something
they cudden't use at home an' we sint
thim th' same an' manny iv thim. They
hipped us th' nimber of a noble but
rajlooced fam'ly with a mustache that
looked well on parade but bad In th'
coffee, an' had a fine flow iv conver
sation Just th' same as a door post. We
handed thim back a distinguished
statesman who owned a clothing store
an' fourteen votes an' no more in th'
Thirteenth Congressyonal Disthrict iv
Ioway. If he had anny more votes
he'd stay at home an' get ilicted Sher
iff or Coroner or to some other office
lv honor.
"Nayether side got th' bether iv th'
other. It was a case all around iv dls
posin' iv what Armour wud call th'
bye-product. We made an Ambassa
dure to Europe iv what was left over
afther th' nommynation iv a Con
gressman. If he was goin' to Eng
land he must know th' name iv Shakes
pere be heart an have an eye r-ready
to leak at a mintlon iv that great pote.
Th' damp climate iv th' British Isles
is due to a succission iv American
Ambassadures weepin' at cornerstone
loyings an' th openin' iv llbries. Whin
th' time come to raturn th' compli
mint ye'd r-read in th pa-aper: 'Sir
Alf Orkins, Consul at Coontown on th'
Fast Coast, in a disgrace with th' Gov
ernment f'r his attentions to a lady tha,.
is considered a ethrik in'- brunette even
in Sunny Africa. Th' Cabinet is de
tarmined to punish him severely an'
he has been appinted Ambassadure to
th' United States.' He come over here
an' styed a few years. His first act on
landin was to file a gin'ral demurrer
to th' counthry an' its inhabitants,
which he filled out in detail later on.
He wrote home to Chipping Norton
fr'm time to time regretting that he
had nowthin' to eat but canvasback
ducks an' terrypin, an' that ye cudden't
find anny viggytable marrow, let alona
winkles, in this degraded counthry.
Afther awhile he set down an' sint a
letter iv advice on American pollyticks
to an innocint' searcher aftLer th truth
in th employ iv a campaign comity,
an thin he was allowed to go horn
be th first boat
"Well, Sir, 'twas a ca'm an' beautiful
life they led. . Nawthin to worry thim
but th' question iv dhress an' Joe Can
non always beatln' thim to th' vittles.
They niver were able to ge in first
They thried to thrip him up, but he
Jumped over th' British Ambassadure's
foot. They grabbed his coattails, but
his hunger an' dimmycratic thraditions
iv what Hogan calls precedence was
too sthrong fr thim. Whin they got
into, th dining room there he was in
a scat where he cud grab th first
waiter that come along. Some iv thim
Turkish Minister has asked to be .re
lluved an' have his head cut off. He
says he p.efers to die at home. Th'
Trtsidint is very mucL pleased at th
iippintmlnt of Oscar th Kooshyan
Joynt ns Amba,ssadure fr'm liooshya.
He thinks he can make wan hundhred
en tighty pounds be th' time th' rlprl
sintatlve iv th' Czar prisints his cre
dlntials. "Sio ye see. Hlnnlssy, 'tis no alsy
thing f'r th spiled darlin iv Kuropeen
court t do business around Wash'n
tm. Who's this new Ambassadure
fr'm th homo iv that intrt iv our
Anglo-Saxon race that hadn't got it
voto count. I yet. lle'H a fin English
nkd fr a min-lv-war to enfoorco
th. Ir demand fr th' llrt lu lpln t
th torn. t b-ef. Iut Joe Cannon defied
I hint. wild iui rurrim r cud t in
ah i l iv him. 1 11 hud th right kind
Iv thiamin in Vermillion county with
n hltfl m.w uic maker. He said
iw:k outtly n mutt her Iv th' Mart.
He u;t off iultker than th Imported,
i-oiiint in.l, mi' hh quick Murt nave
'ii . n viif l ' a.lvnn:iK' V r th f .!
tin himw: it m n In fh dlpl'mmtle. J
....t. if. i ",;tht If It w i-n't f'r lit i
r"pht f r lh t'ttitf Uleootv, an' Ifi
h wtvn't I"' i tin' mul' to -nvt-t i
iH' trrt. h l e tud run th pihhiuu
! -l!f ti lo-ud,
iv cvri HinnliC, thul was a or
on Diplomacy
row iv th Diplomats an' they had
other griefs. It was hard to dance th'
two-step an escape cuttin' off their
legs with their coords, their gloves
busted at times, an' now an' thin a
southern congressman tapped wan iv
thim on th'. shoulder an' says: 'Snow
ball, dash back to th' pantry an fetch
me another slice iv this here pie, an'
be quick about it or 111 blow ve'er
black head off.' That was on pleasant,
but th' life gin'rally was a cheerful
wan, an' if they cud read th' pa-apers
they often knew what they were doin'.
"But 'tis all changed now. Th' am
bassadure has no snap. He's got to
keep thrained to th' mlnnyit, an' whin
he goes up to th' Whie House he wears
fightin' thrunks undher his unyform
an' carries tennis bats, fenein' masks,
wrestlin' togs, an' boxin' gloves in his
bag. With th' Prisidint come Into of
fice he looked th Diplomatic Corps over
an' says he: They need healthful ex
ercise. They ar-re an anemic lot' An'
thin ye began to read in th' pa-apers:
'Th' arrival of Baron Speck von Stern -burg
as German Ambassadure at
Wash'nton has sint a thril through
diplomatic circles. F'r a long time th'
infloonce iv Germany has been wanin'.
Th' former Ambassadure was a larned
man, but th' most exercise ho iver took
was polishing his eyeglasses. Th' Ger
man Impror was in despair fr th'
Fr-rinch Ambassadure, Moosoo Jusse
rand, was at th' white house ivry day
conductin' important negotiations with
a tennis bat in th' back yard. Th'
Fr-rinchman is a fine tenniser, but
sthrange to say th' Prisidint can Just
beat him ivry time. It suddenly oc
curred to th'. kaiser to sind over Speck,
who is wan iv th' best soordsmen in
th' German army. Th' change was In
stantanyous. Yisterday th' Fr-rinch
Ambassadure was seen weepin' and
beatin' on th' White House dure with a
tennis bat while th' German Ambassa
dure made faces at him through th'
window. Baron Speck has lost wan
ear f'r th' fatherland, but he has ne
gotyated a threaty f r th' free export
lv dachshunds Into this counthry.
"Former fav'rite Ambassadures ar-re
secretly delighted with th' change, but
there ar-re fears that important divol
opmints may follow. Th' Jap'nese Min
ister has not been himsilf since he
taught th' Prisidint Jiu-Jltsoo an' was
severely cut be th' glass iv a skylight
through which he was thrown. Th
Fr-rinch Ambassadure may go home
an' his Governmint is negotyatin' with
a prom'nent handball player. Th
Swedish Governmint will make an at
timpt to have Hackenschmitt riprisint
Sweden at Wash'nton. Last night th'
Prisidint was in an especially Jolty
mood at th' diplomatic reclption, where
he showed th' British Ambassadure a
new thrip. It wint off very well. Th'
Ambassadure on'y said: 'My word.' as
he sat down on an andiron. Th' Eye
tallan Ambassadure is lookln' very
gloomy afther an unsuccessful attimpt
to teach th' Prisidint a new game iv
cat's cradle. Th Prisidint said it wud
be all right if ye used wire cable an'
whoiver lost a hand lost th' game, too.
He is detarmined to establish closer re
lations with th' South American ray
publics an' he has challenged th dark
hued diplomats to a grand rasslln
match, whin he will take thim all on at
wanst. Th' Ministers iv Chile, Peru,
Argentine, Brazil, Uruguay, an' Icwa
door have hurriedly left town. Th'
gintleman lv th old school fr'm the
north iv Ireland. A good man. He's
what they call a Liberal In England.
A Liberal In England Is a man who
believes in th' same things that radical
men in this counthry believe In like
J. Pierpont Morgan or Andhrew Car
naygin. He's in favor iv takin th'
poor man's money nway fr'm arrys
toeracy an' glvin' It to th' plain rich.
"I don't know what his qualifica
tions f'r th Job ar-re. He looks pretty
old to me f'r a gymnast. He's a book
man an' that's bad. I niver knew anny
wan byt Teddy that eud thratn fr
a foot race on llthraehoor. What did
this la-ad write, ys ye? He wrote a
book wanst that Hogan read, called
'Th American Common Wealth. He'll
find a gr-reat deal more wealth whin
he comes uver an' If h go" to New
York an stay at n fashionable hotel
he'll see that It's Jut a common us
Ivt it was. ! don't know whether 'it
u gomi book or a bad, ! njver read It. j
Hogan H.iy 'tis full Iv Infnrmi ttn
about thut tvn .wyrnlnt that rail
road l'tlshllnH an gr-reat fl-n.nueen j
have become no mu h Inthrcxied lr v i
l ite, th' whalt'e-call-lt? th' i oiMU
I tit ton. Th. rf ain't a i.U!ui I'lt-M
dint In thl i oti;ithry that lu-'i't ik. ;
t'ltrcd; 'Now that je cull n-e .uunini
t it, 1 wud Uy down me lite tr th" ;
ar old otvsiliutiou, like ej.Mia)l ;
th' uri:tn h which "lljindt olf ,
our rUnit i.lllnnitl I'iUldUtts, a na j
tK.ii' n hle!" Me fj Int Manlmun H
In te:tr ctrr th' vuttMm on th' coa-i
By F. P. Dunne.
stltutlon an' is thlnkin' lv havin' th
counthry an' givin' away all his hard,
even tough-earned, money. Jim Still
man rather thin see th' constitution
maltreated be subphoeny Sarvers is
goin' abroad without anny flourish iv
thrumpets, but undher an assumed
name. But if I was th' British Am
bassadure 'tis th" constitution iv Tld
dy Rosenfelt I'd keep me eye on.
That's th' on'y wan that
"But annyhow what difference does
it make at all? Sure, who cares who's
Ambassadure? Manny years ago 'twas
a dlvvle iv a Job. Th Ambassadure
was a part iv his own counthry
transplanted. Whereiver he wint he
was a walkin' United States iv Amer
ica. If anny wan asked him what th'
policy iv his counthry was his answer
was: 'I make it up as I go along.'
It took about a year f'r him to ray
poort annythlDg he had done an' an
other year to get th' reproof back, so
he lad a free an' riochous life, declared
war, punched prime ministers in th'
eye, an' gin'rally misbehaved himsilf,
an' no wan at home cared what he
did. Be th' time they knew anny thing
about it it was old news an' he was
up to some other devilment.
"But now how is it? Sure an Ambas
sadure is about as vallyble as a till y
phone op'rator. He has to make th'
connections an' if he listens or cuts in
he's fired. He's a messenger an a
slow wan fr'm wan Governmint to an
other. He goes up to a King with a
sealed envelope an' hands it to him
with th' remark: 'Sign here. That
night, maybe, a man raps at his dure
an' says: 'Ar-re ye th' fellow that
brought th' message thl mornin'? 'I
am,' says th' Ambassadure, hi ten in' on
his soord. 'Then I've come to tell ye
to pack ye'er thrunk an' go on th'
eight fifty-five. Ye'er benighted Gov
ernmint has asked us to come outside
if we dare an' we've wired thim that
we dare.' "
"I heerd Hogan say there was talk
in th' English pa-apers iv goin to war
with us about Japan," said Mr. Hen
nessy. "I'd like to see it. D'ye think
they will?"
"Th English pa-apers," said Mr.
Dooley, "like our own ar-re conducted
be renowned warryors.. But, , do, , yo
think .if therorwas oii'y wan Jbjifcher
shop in th' city I'd thry to wreck it?"
(Copyright, 1907, by H. H. McClure Co.)
THE WORLD FOR A WEEK.
SENATORIAL elections occurred in
many states. The Nebraska legis
lature followed the precedent set two
years ago In electing the candidate
designated by. the state convention of
the party in control of the legislature.
Norris Brown the republican candidate
was elected without delay by a strict
party vote. Cni?ressinan Joseph M.
Dixon, republican, was elected to suc
ceed Senator W. A. Clark, democrat,
of Montana. Simon Guggenheim, re
publican, was elected to succeed Thom
as Patterson, democrat, of Colorado.
Senator Burnham of New Hampshire
was re-elected, as were Senators Fry
of Maine and Crane of Massachusetts.
Congressman William Alden Smith
was chosen to succeed Senator Alger
in Michigan, and Senator Cullom,
nominated last summer by direct pri
mary, was endorsed .In caucus in the
Illinois legislature. A deadlock oc
curred in lUiode Island where Senator
Wetmore who is a candidate for re
election was third in point of strength
upon the first ballot. Charles Curtis,
congressman from 'the First district,
will succeed Senator Benson in Kansas.
Robert L. Taylor, who defeated Sen
ator Carmack nt the primaries was
elected in Tennessee, and Henry A.
Richardson was elected to succeed Sen
ator Alice in Dcleware.
Rids were opened on the 12th in
Washington from contractors who re
sponded to the request for bid to
complete the Tannrna can il. There
were four bid, the lowest of which
was that of Oliver & Rung of New
York city, which offers to do the work
for six snd three-fourth oer rent
of th money ii,l t. Th other bids
rangeu rrom seven to twenty-eight per
cnt, alt bid being required to m
made on n bnnh of the iK-rceiitage of
profit asked of the total c"t. The suc
cessful firm I well known in connec.
tlon with lnrme undertaking nd ha
n ! of f:ve million dollar. One
member of the firm ha don rli-.hu u
million dollar worth of construction
work In the j .t ten year, and An
!Mn M. Hung, the ofhr partner, wan
the huUiW of the lo' nhtn lock of I to
"VCll Me !f..in c hh! (it d the ih'ie. '
wu.'o fuso i.un Uo t ii.ikw.Ut r. Thf
fl'in b at the i i( -nil tin ttKitVved In
project r pte MUMjf nu ex nHiure of
t.1 Mum-mi.1
The firn dbatr of the jur to com
pare with the worst of last year came
on the 14th with an earthquake In the
island of Jamaica which practically de
stroyed the city of Kingston with great
loss of life, variously estimated at
from 500 to 1,000. A telegram from Sir
Alexander Swettenham, governor of
the island dated three days after the
earthquake gives the following account
of the damage:
"The evil effects have been confined
almost to three parishes of the island,
namely: Kingston, Port Royal and St.
Andrew. The fire at Kingston has
practically ceased; only coal and rub
bish are now burning. The district
burned comprises a triangular area be
tween the parade gardens, the sea,
Duke street and Princess street. The
parish church forms the apex of this
triangle, which comprises about one
thirtieth part of the town. The
wharves burned are George and Bran
day and Malabre, Haggart, Lyons, Sol
omon's Demercado, Henriques and one,
not both, of the Royal Mail Stearn
Packet company's wharves. The burned
area Is being cleared slowly owing, to
the indisposition of the population to
labor at double the usual wages. There
are a few bodies still covered with
ruins. The burials at noon today com
prise 343. The persons admitted to hos
pitals in Kingston total 440, excluding
some sixty cases sent to Spanish Town
from Kingston for treatment
"The population generally is en
camped on the parade grounds, the
race course and the open spaces. The
usual provision shops are in the burned
area and there is consequently diffi
culty In buying provisions. I am ar
ranging for sales temporarily and for
the transfer of persons to other parish
es. There was some pilfering last night
from deserted shops. The population is
wonderfully patient, but listless."
Measures were taken by the American
navy department Immediately upon
hearing of the disaster to forward re
lief supplies to the island and ship
loads of provision were on their way
within two days.
If a swell dinner should be given
in 'your honor;' would you know how
to properly use the silver prongs, har
poons and spoons at the right side of
your plate? Most women master this
accomplishment, but few men do.
D0LL1VER IS RENOMINATED
Affln Honored by tbe.itepnlillcHna
of Iowa Legislature. ,
DES MOlNES, la, JarK1- 2Lntted
States Senator J. P. Dolliver was
unanimously re-nominated by the re
publican senatorial caucus tonight
He will be re-elected tomorrow.
NOTICE
Copy of annual statement of Her
man Bros., Lincoln, Neb., at close of
budnes3 November 30, 1906: - ,. .
I RECAPITULATION.
Jobbing House: ' u
Merchandise on hand. . . .$128,956.65
Bills and accounts re
ceivable 121,625.00
Rebates due 201.22
Cash on hand and in
banks 2,943.83
Furniture, fixtures, tools,
sample trunks, etc 2,050.00
L $255,776.68
Factory:
Merchandise on" hand...$ 16407!l6
Machinery and fixtures,. 6,278.19
Cash in safe 45
22,385.80
Beatrice Stock:
Investment November 30,
1906 $ 25,408.02
$303,570.50
LIABILITIES.
Bills and notes payable. .. .$106,351.65
Capital stock paid in 170.200.0i
Undivided profits 1S.013.S5
$303,570.50
I. Charles Ilcrrnan, Secretary and
Treasurer of tho above named corpor
ation, do solemnly swear that tho
above is a true and correct statement
to the best of ray knowledge and be
lief. C1LUILK3 H HUMAN.
Subscribed In my presence and
wont to before me th!s 8th day of
January, 1907.
FRED R. DOLANSKY.
KlU:r II HUMAN. Notary Public.
Directors:
CHARMS HERMAN,
A. 8. HERMAN.
r-PATENTS thut PROTECT
WOOD, J. Cm & CO..
noce-snora to
Koukup ft Wood Expert cleaner
and dm. n:o N Ht.. Lincoln, Neb,
'honrn: Auto 1212. t 147. Mitt
order work ritrrfullv sUnnLM to.