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Ruse
But It Was Very Unexpectedly
Tbwa.ted.
By iVILLARD BLAKEMAN
Copyright. 1910, by American tress
Association.
On coming dome from business 1
found my wife lu the dumps.
"Wbut's the mutter, dear?" 1 asked.
"It's all up with us."
"Bottom dropped out of the uni
verse?
"Worse. Aunt Abigail will have to
live with us. She's written that her
friend witb whom she has bad a home
is to give up ber bouse the 1st of May,
and that throws ber out. 1 am ber
only relative, and of course she ex
pects me to take her in."
"She's a bit crauky, isn't she?"
"Cranky is no name for it."
"Well, we'll have to make the best of
it"
Aunt Abigail arrived. We bad previ
ously considered our home entirely our
own. With the coming of our relative
we saw at once " that all this ' was
changed. She settled herself down
with an appearance of permanency
that mode my blood run cold.
Well," she exclaimed, looking about
her, "bow did you ever come to build
this bouse down In a hollow it must
have been a swamp once when you
could as well have put it up on that
bill, where you could see something?"
We live here winter and summer.
Aunt Abigail. Up there we would
freeze in cold weather."
Freeze! Nonsense! Some people are
always afraid they'll breathe a little
fresh air. I'm not. 1 sleep with my
window open, and J like to have a gale
blowing In Tight on me. You should
have fronted your bouse to the south.
I can't stand this. We must get rid
of her, I said to my wife."
"To turn ber out would be awful."
"We needn't do that. We cau fix it
so that she will go of her own accord."
"For heaven's sake explain."
"You know the homeopathic princi
plelike cures like. Well, my Uncle
Robert is .more disagreeable, if that is
possible, than your Aunt Abigail. He
is a dictatorial old curmudgeou. witb
no respect for any one's opinion but
bis own. He is as poor as a church
mouse, living in a miserable room in a
rookery by himself. He amuses him
self abusing bis neighbors from bis
window and shying anything be can
get bis hands on at the cats. Now, it
bas occurred to me to bring bim here
as a foil for your aunt. She can't pos
sibly endure to stay in the bouse with
such a man. and when she's gone I'll
find a way to get rid of Uncle Robert.
Perhaps they may both go to get rid
of each other."
'Your plan seems rather impractica
ble to me. Billy, but I have a good deal
of confidence in those roundabout ways
of yours. Suppose we try it?"
So 1 wrote Uncle Robert offering a
home temporarily and. if be liked It,
as long as be lived. He accepted eager
ly, and It was not long before he was
down upon us bag and baggage.
"My dear boy." he exclaimed, pat
ting me on the back, "bow you do re
mind me of your father! He and I
were Inseparable as boys, and I've car
ried you on my shoulder often. N And
to think that I'm to have a home with
you! Put me anywhere. A garret is
good enough for a broken down old
codger like me. Phew! Somebody's
been smoking here. Do you smoke?
How I bate tobacco! It makes me
sick."
'1 won't smoke any more in the
house since you've come, uncle," 1 said.
"On. don't mind me. 1 can stand
anything: got to stand it. I've made
a dead failure of life and don't deserve
anything else. You don't mind my
opening the window, do you just to
let the odor out?"
"Fanny has a bad cold, you know."
"Just the thing to cure ber. Let ber
breathe the cool air of heaven."
Up went the window and out of the
room went Fanny. Half an hour after
my uncle arrived dinner was announc
ed. I was watching our guests when
they entered the dining room. It was
like a dog and a cat at first catching
sight of eacb other. Both seemed to
crouch for an encounter. Neither
spoke to the other for some time after
taking seats at table. Then a remark
of Uncle Robert's rubied Aunt Abigail.
"This women's voting craze" he
was beginning.
"Voting what, sir?"
"Craze, madam." raising his voice.
"I'm not deaf. 1 heard , you well
enough. I object to you calling wom
an's suffrage a craze."
"Are you an advocate of woman's
suffrage, madam?"
"1 most assuredly am."
"I believe in any oue who advocates
a principle standing by that principle
and not attempting to straddle"
"Sir!"
"That Is. to equivocate or knuckle
down, defending the cause with all
his or her strength. Per contra. I re
serve the same privilege for myself.
Woman's suffrage I consider the most
abominable, diabolical. - illogical rot
that, was ever sprung on a Christian
people."
"And I consider it one of the holiest
eauses"
"Aunt Abigail," Interposed my wife.
"do let me help you to tbls little bit
of wing. You're not eating enough' to
feed a sparrow."
"I'm Inclined to think." remarked
Uncle Robert, "that there's a good deal
tat tbls new Idea of diet. Tbls man
Wiint's-hls-name who Is pr-.vins that
the less we tai the more work we cm
do is going to create a revolution."
"Have you ; d opted his idea?" asked
Aunt Abigail spitefully.
Considering I nut 1 bud just filled Un
cle Robert's plute for the second time
this was unkind.
'I have (lot. . umdiirn. for the reason
tbat I am not yet satisfied that Ills
views are correct. I'm nothing If not
scientific. 1 must see a thing proved
before 1 adopt it."
"Would you prove woman's suffrage
before adopting it?"
This was quite bright of Aunt Abi
gail. '
"1 admit." replied Uncle , Robert,
"that to prove it before adopting it
would be impossible, it isn't neces
sary to prove XX.. Any fool -cau see
that the idea is ridiculous."
"Uncle." 1 interrupted for-the pur
pose of calling a truce and preventing
Aunt Abigail from firing a return shot.
"let me fill your glass."
"No, sir." putting his band over it
"not at all. sir. I drink just one glass
of wine witb my dinner. And that's
enough for any man."
"Quite right." I replied and filled my
own for the third time.
"One Is too much for any man. espe
cially an old man." snapped the aunt.
"Nothing Is so disgusting to me as an
old toper."
The shot, while it applied partly to
me, was fired at Uncle Robert.
"Not at all." he replied. "One glass
Is good for the system. You know
what St. Paul says.. 'Take a little wine
for the stomach's sake.' " 1
"Yes." retorted Aunt Abigail, "and
I Know that the devil can quote Scrip
ture." This wes so- well turned that I felt
like patting the old lady on the back.
But it did not squelch Uucle Robert
for the simple reason tbat be was un
Bquelchable. The skirmishing went
on, getting hotter and hotter., till at
bast, to prevent an open rupture, my
wife arose from the table. She. poor
woman, was dreading a fracas, and I
was not anxious, to have a break occur
so early In the game.
As soon as Fanny and I were alone!
together we eat down and laughed.
"Did you ever see anything work
more beautifully?" I said, slapping my
leg.
"Never."
"Let them go their own gait. My
opinion is that one or the other will
get out within a week."
Every day my uncle came to me and
said tbat he couldn't live In the same
bouse with a cat and was going to
morrow. Every day Aunt Abigail went
to Fanny and said she could not possi
bly endure that opinionated old heath
en and she was casting about for an
other home, but it was dreadful that
she should be alone in tbe world, with
no one to lovebut Fanny, and Fanny
must needs be Incumbered by all ber
husband's relatives. I told my uncle
that If I were deprived of tbe comfort
of caring for my father's brother In
his old age it would break my heart
Fanny made faint hearted attempts to
quiet her aunt and agreed with ber
that my uncle was a trifle hard to get
on with, regretting at tbe same time
that he had the same claim on me that
ber aunt bad on her. It is true that
occasionally there would be a lull in
tbe hostilities and we would find the
two chatting quite amicably. But tbls
was when they happened to strike
some subject which was a pet with
botb. As soon as they drifted into
topics on which they disagreed the
roar of battle recommenced.
Several weeks passed in this way.
and Fanny and I were getting impa
tient for the denouement, when one
day uncle came to me and said tbat
be would like 'to have a few words
with me and Fanny alone, i He looked
very serious, and I felt quite sure he
would announce his departure. He
was a born gentleman, and nothing
would be further from his 'nature than
to hurt one's feelings, and to appear
ungrateful would break his heart. I
called Fanny Into the library, shut the
door and waited for the old man to
speak.
"My dear boy." he began, taking my
hand, "and my dear little girl." taking
Fanny's hand. "1 have- something to
announce which will surprise you. I
am going to leave you!"
"Oh. uncle!" we botb exclaimed, try
ing bard to appear much disappointed
even shocked.
"Yes. I am going away, and your
aunt is also going."
This was indeed a surprise.
"Your kindness has brought about a
great change in two lonely lives. ' For
a time it seemed to both of us that we
must thwart your plans for the happi
ness of both of us. It has not seemed
that we can live under the same roof
together."
He paused, and 1 bought he was go
big to shed tears. Then he added ab
ruptly: '
"We are botb going to leave you to
morrow."
"Both?"
"Yes. both. We are to be quietly
married at 9 o'clock and leave on a
short wedding trip on the 10 o'clock
train."
"Goodness gracious!" from Fauny.
"Great Scott!" from me. '
"But we shall be gone only a few
days."
"And then!" exclaimed Fanny and I
breathlessly.
"And then." resumed the old man,
putting a bund on each of our heads,
"we return to spend the rest of our
lives with our dear uieee and nephew."
Heaven helps those who help them
selves. At any rate, heaven came to
our relief. I inherited $20,000 from a
maternal uucle. Of this I put $"..000
In a house for the old couple and In
vested tbe rest In an annuity for thnra,
Strangely enough, they are quite con
tented together.
t
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