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About The Wageworker. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1904-???? | View Entire Issue (Aug. 8, 1908)
When Cooks Leave. "Can you assist me?" pleaded the; beggar. "1 really don't know where my next meal Is coming from." "Neither do I,' replied Cltley. "Cooks haven't the slightest regard tor appetites, have they?" An Example. "It you want a thing well done you simply must do it yourself," declared Mr. Wyss. "Yes," agreed Mrs. Wyss, with a touch of sarcasm, "I remember bow; nice you looked the time you cut your own hair." A Foreign View. Mrs. Gunson: "Count, do you con sider American girls good enough to marry foreign noblemen?" Count Golde: "Madame, ze beggar cannot be ze chooser." Something Stronger. Pat: "Sir? Ye nivver heard o' th' big wind in Ireland? Begobbs, mon, y'r wan in tin thousand! Thot wind blew Ivveryting lengthways, sideways hie idgeways, shortways; sure hie it was th' strongest thing as ivver blew against a mon!" The Listener: "There is something stronger, Pat!" Pat: "Tell me what, now! Phat is tronger?" The Listener: "Your breath" Making it Pleasant for Him. .. Mabel Papa, what did you say to Harold that upset him so? He was absent-minded and nervous all the evening after he had been In to ask your consent. Mabels Papa Oa, nothing much. After giving my consent, I merely ad ded that I hoped he wouldn't back out,, same as all the other fellows had done, when he found out what a temper you had. Real Base Ball. (W. J. Lampton in New York World.) Oh, take me away from the base ball game Where science is at the bat And the players play In a teci-nical way Till a rube can t tell where they're at Where scores are highest when noth ing at all And nobody takes a base; Where nobody makes Any sort of mistakes And everything's just in place. Where spectators keep on the watch for plays So close that it gives them a pain; And whatever's done In hit. catch or run They scream at to take oft the strain. Oh, carry me back to the old-fashioned game That doesn't know science at all, Where the sides go in With a whoop to win, And they don't do a thing but play ball. Where twenty or thirty or forty runs Are likely as not to be made; And the bags are hot From many a swat In games that are played as i played. Where the catcher don't look like an armored knight And the pitcher is not so Intense, The batter can't hit 'Em a little bit. But bangs 'em clean over the fence. Where something is doing that sure stirs up the soul About every minute or so. With the home runs made And double plays played And the whole darn thing on the go. Where grandstand and bleachers are all of a kind. And are there because they are there To see a good game That's good just the same Though science be up in the air, Oh, take me away from the base ball! game Where scientists have the call, And give me the play That lasts half a day Hurrah! That is bail; that is ball Lincoln Directory expert GLEANERS AND DYERS And Pressert of Ladies'. Gentlemen's snd Children's Clothing. Write for Price LisL J. C. WOOD & CO. 1322 N ST., LINCOLN, NEB. HERBERT E.GOOCH CO. BROKERS rD DEALERS Grain, Provisions, Stocks, Cotton nln Office, 104005 Fraternity Bids;. Lincoln, Nebraska. Bell Phone IH3 Auto Phone S8S0 I.Hritmt IToniift in State TALKS ON TEETH ALVEOLAR METHOD If you have two or more teeth in either jaw, we ran replace the mtaafnir teeth with the beanuiui Aiveoinr meinoa. it win pay you to come any dintance for thia beautiful work.. We tighten looms teeth and cure sore gums. We do all hranchea of Dentixtry. Work dona Immediately for out-of-town patrons. Located here for years. BOSION DENTISTS, 1818 O Street. Lincoln, Nebranka. Tift's Ranch at Taft, TEXAS This famous ranch, the best in the coast; eountry, at reasonable prices, easy terms.' Write na today fur particulars. WHITE & LEVI, 716 P SI., Lincoln, Nebraska. SOUTH DAKOTA LAND Now is your opportunity to buy Bouth Dakota land at best prices. Large list to alert from. Write us for particulars. WHITE LEVI, 716 P St., Lincoli, Nebraska. Gasoline Engines Onr-new 4 cycle motor Ja designed -. CUSHMAN MOTOR CO., LINCOLN, NEBR.j ALL RUN DOWN. Miss Delia Stroebe, who had Com pletely Lost Her Health, Found Relief from Pe-ru-na at Once. Read Wliat She Says: MISS DEIXA STROEBE, 710 Rich mond St., Apploton, Wis., writes: Tor several years I was in a run down condition, and T could find no re lief from doctors and medicines. I could not enjoy my meals, and could not sleep at night. I had heavy, dark circles about the eyes. "My friends were much alarmed. I was advised to give Peruna a trial, and to my Joy I began to improve with the first bottle. After taking six bottles I felt completely cured. I cannot say too much for Pcrnna as a medicine for women in a run-down condition." Pe-ru-na Did Wonders. Mrs. Judge J. F. Boyer, 1421 Sherman Ave., Evanston, 111., says that she bo came run down, could neither eat nor sleep well, and lost flesh and spirit. Pe runa did wonders for her, and she thanka Parana for new life and strength. WAS TOO MUCH FOR PAPA. Childish Questions Were Becoming Entirely Too Personal. There is a member of the faculty of Qeorge Washington university, who, to use the words of a colleague, "is as rotund physically as he is profound metaphysically," says the Philadel phia Ledger. One day the professor chanced to come upon his children, of which he has a number, all of whom were, to his astonishment, engaged in an earn est discussion of the meaning of the word "absolute." 'Dad," queried one of the young sters, "can a man be absolutely good? "No." "Dad," put in another youngster. can a man he absolutely bad?" "No." "PaDa." ventured the third child, a girl, "can a man be absolutely fat?' Whereupon the father fled In- continently. IT SEEMED INCURABLE Body Raw with Eczema Discharged from Hospitals as Hopeless Cutl cura Remedies Cured Him. "From the age of three months until fifteen years old, my son Owen's life was made intolerable by eczema in its worst form. In spite of treatments the disease gradually spread until nearly every part of his body was quite raw, He used to tear himself dreadfully in his sleep and the agony he went through is quite beyond words. The regimental doctor pronounced the case hopeless. We had him In hospitals four times and he was pronounced one of the worst cases ever admitted From each he was discharged as in curable. We kept trying remedy after remedy, but had gotten almost past hoping for a cure. Six months ago we purchased a set of Cuticura Remedies. The result was truly mar velous and to-day he is perfectly cured. Mrs. Lily Hedge, Camblewell Green England, Jan. 12. 1907." A Good Reason. "Why was Mrs. Smithers so vio lently opposed to the marriage of one of her twins?" "I think it was because of her being such a very particular housekeeper. "What on earth had that to do with It?" "You see, she hated to break a set. The Comparison. Towne Yes, my wife Is able to dress on comparatively little money. Browne Oh, come now! Compara tively little? Towne I mean a little compared with what she thinks she ought to have. Philadelphia Press. A woman never gets so old she is not interested in how many dresses a bride gets. A coat of arms doesn't always hide the family skeleton. SICK HEADACHE Positively cured by these Little PilLs. They also relieve Dis tress from TJyspepsia, In digestion and Too Hearty Eating. A perfect rem edy for Dizziness, Nau sea, Drowsiness, Bad Taste In the Mouth, Coat ed Tongue, Fain In the Bide, TOBFID LIVER. They regulate the Bowels. Purely Vegetable. SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. Genuine Must Bear Fac-Simile Signature CARTERS llTTLE IVER PILL8. REFUSE SUBSTITUTES, G30G3dS7 1 1. o LAW tKo (IVER :SKSS2, Thompson's Eye Water ODD YARN SPINNER J JOHN W. KERN IS LIKED FOR HIS STORIES. Democratic Vice-Presidential Candi date Once a School-Teacher Many Insist on Spelling Name "Curran." Indianapolis, Ind. There is no bet ter story-teller to be found than John W. Kern, the Democratic nominee for vice-president, although when he in dulges in the humorous for the benefit of his friends it Is always of the clean est sort. Mr. Kern has a keen taste for the satire in life. His friends recall one of his sarcastic utterances indulged In on an occasion when he was dining with W. J. Bryan not long ago. At the time Mr. Kern was being dis cussed as a vice-presidential possi bility. Some one jocularly remarked that a few years in Washington as the vicv president of the country ought to please Kern greatly. The question arose as to the expense of living in Washington. 'Yes," said Kern, "I understai-.d that it is costing Vice-President Fair banks about $50,000 a year. Now, mi that rate, considering the state of my physical fortune, I could live in Wash ington about one day." Mr. Bryan was greatly amused at the utterance, it is said, and often al ludes to Mr. Kern's remark. As long as somebody doesn't orgrn- ize a Curran club, J. W. Kern can go happily through the campaign. Cur ran is a good enough name and all that, but it does not happen to be Ills name. And many people, since he has been one of the big guns in Indiana politics and his name has been often spoken, have used it Curran. Not long ago Judge Pritchard of the criminal court received a letter fram a man concerning the trial of Harry P. Brunaugh, then in progress, and the man spoke of "Mr. Curran," mean ing Mr. Kern. "Such is fame," suggested the judge, "through two campaigns for governor and still Mr. Curran!" "Yes, such is fame!" sighed Mr. Kern. John W. Kern has always been proud that he was once a school-teach- John W. Kern. er. Before he was 16 years of age he taught district school In Howard coun ty. He was a slender youngster at the time, weighing little more than 100 pounds. Many of Kern's pupils were iaore than 20 years of age and in size ivere grown men. He taught one school for two terms with much success and gave up the occupation of "school master" to become a lawyer. While getting his earlier education Mr. Kern attended what was called the Indiana Normal School of Kokomo. He rode to school each morning on horseback and carried his luncheon. He has often admitted that he recited his lessons to his horse during the noon hour and that frequently on. the way to and from school he indulged in flights of oratory that made the old horse prick up his ears. Affability has always been one of Mr. Kern's prominent characteristics. He is keenly satirical, but his satire never wounds. In appearance Mr. Kern is not a rugged man. He is of slender build, hut possesses strong vitality. Two or three years ago his health failed, and he and his friends believed that he was rapidly going into-a decline. His physician sounded the warning, "con sumption," in his ears, and he started in to make a fight for his life. He sought a moderate climate in the south, and after six months' stay came home a new man. Since then his health has been good. John W. Kern has for years worn chin whiskers. It is his habit softly to caress his. beard when he is at work. Often his political friends have made jokes about "John Kern's whis kers." "Don't you mind them," Mr. Kern has frequently replied. "They are a comfort to me." One day two or three politicians called to see Mr. Kern at his office. One of them, who was jocularly in clined, remarked: "I'd like to see Mr. Kern without those whiskers." Turn ing to Kern, he asked: "Why do you wear them, anyway?" Kern stroked his beard thoughtfully for a moment, and turning to tis caller remarked: "Well, I think I wear them chiefly because they belong to me." SAVED AT THE CRISIS. Delay Meant Death from Troubles. Kidney Mrs. Herman Smith, 901 Broad Street, Athens, Ga., says: "Kidney disease started with slight irregularity and weakness and developed into dan gerous dropsy. I Le came weak and lan guid, and could do no housework. My back ached terribly. I had bearing down pains and my limbs bloated to twice their normal size. Doctors did not help, and I was fast drifting into the hopeless stages. I used Doan's Kidney Pills at the criti cal moment and they really saved my life." Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box. Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y. WHY HE WAS WORRIED. Fly in the Ointment That Was Handed to Good Man. "Why," asked the good man's wife, are you so thoughtful? You look as if something disagreeable had happened. "Perhaps," he replied, "I am fool ish to feel as I do about it. My con gregation has raised a purse for the purpose of sending me to Europe." "And are you sorry it isn't large enough to enable you to take me with you? Don't let that cause you to feel depressed. It will be very lonely here without you, but I know you need the rest, and I shall be very sensible. I can spend the summer at some quiet, inexpensive place, cheered by the thought that you will return refreshed In mind and body." "It is very good of you to look at It in that way, my dear. I appreciate your feeling. But the gentleman who made the presentation speech said he was sorry the amount that had been raised was not larger so that I might be able to remain away longer, and somehow it seemed to me that ap plause was more hearty at that point than anywhere else in the course of his remarks." Chicago Record-Herald. PROOF. She How do you know he's a book keeper? He Well, I loaned him a book about five years ago and he never re turned it. The Sort of Thing He Liked. In an early day in Stone county, Missouri, a farmer's boy rushed into the office of Dr. T. J. McCord of Ga lena and urged the doctor to come quickly to see his father, who seemed to be dying. Said the doctor. "What ails him, and what has he eaten?" The boy said: "Oh, nothing much but 14 roastin' ears for supper." "Well," said the doctor, "just go back and throw him a couple of bundles of oats ard tell him I will be up there in about 30 minutes." From Judge's Library. Socialistic. The Patient Doc, I can't hay you no money while I ain't gone none, a'ready. Vill you dake it oud in drade? The Dentist Well, I might consider that. What's your business? The Patient I lead a leedle Choi man band. Ve'll come aroundt und serenade you effry nighd for a mont', yet! INDIANS WERE ON RAMPAGE. Impromptu Relic of Old Times at Valentine. Thursday a party of Sioux Indians, dressed up in their usual paint and feathers, were giving their war dances in Kilgore, a little town not far from Valentine, when the bunch became excited and dangerous from imbibing too much bad whisky, and led by one young buck, went to the hotel and tackled the landlord, Kerschel, one of the crowd holding him against the wall while the other beat him. His wife was frightened and ran for help which soon arrived and calmed the Indians and locked them out. Then the Indians proceeded to throw rock at the hotel, breaking out nearly all of the windows. They then continued their devilment by yelling and keep ing the inhabitants of the town bar ricaded in their homes until nearly morning, when they left, much to the relief of all the town folks. TRAGEDY AT SCHUYLER. At about 1:30 o'clock Thursday morning Louis Urban, a Bohemian aged forty-five years, shot and killed himself. From tne contents of some letters he left he is judged to be in sane. He imagined that he had many enemies who were trying to ruin his life and give him a bad name. On Tuesday he began to nail the doors and windows of his room shut, and since that time has remained in his room. An endeavor to break in the door brought forth a volley of bullets fired at the officials. He finally killed himself with a bullet through his head. In his room were found two re volvers, 100 cartridges, two daggers, axes, iiammers, natcnets and many clubs and loaded canes. He leaves no relatives. No Offense. Miss Passay Old Dr. Gruff was re marking to-day that the weather this spring was just like that of 1876 and he asked me if I didn't remember. Miss Knox Yes? Miss Passay Yes. Positively insult ing, wasn't it? Miss Knox Oh, surely not inten tionally so. He probably doesn't know what a wretched memory you have. Philadelphia Press. 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Food Products Libby's Sweet Mixed Pickles Tkat firm, crisp quality and delicious flavor is what you get when you insist on Libby's Nixed Pickles at your dealers. They are always the finest and never disappoint. It's the same with Libby's Sweet Gherkins and Sweet Midgets. Ask for them. Libby's Olives The cultivation of centuries marks the olive groves of Spain as the world's best. Libby's Olives are imported from the oldest and most famous of these groves. The resuit is a rare DroducL delightfully appetiz ing. Try one bottle and you'll buy more and never be without them. Libby's Preserves Pure, ripe fruit and pure sugar in equal parts, cooked just right and timed to the second, in Libby's Great White Kitch en, is the secret of the extreme superiority ot Libby s Preserves There's none as good at any price. Grocers and delicatessen stores carry all of Libby's Food Pro ducts. 1 hey are war ranted the best to both you and the dealer Write for free booklet 'Haw to Make Good Things toat."'. IdsIsI LIMy'ial your letter' i. Libby, McNeill Libby. Chicago. S9 DEFIANCE Cold Water Starch makes laundry work a pleasure. 1C oz. pkg. lw W. N. U., LINCOLN, NO. 32, 1908. J4$Jr1fM .w ma am kn b jth m nx-rpr IT This Is What I Catches Me! HNgl Kok OneThlrd Mora Staroh. M SDR As well as for the preserva tion and purification of the skin no other skin soapso pure, so sweet, so speedily effective as Cuticura. For eczemas, rashes, inflamma tions, chafings, sunburn, wind irritations, bites and stings of insects, lameness and soreness incidental to outdoor sports, for the care of the hair and scalp, for sanative, antiseptic cleans ing, as well as for all the purposes of the toilet, bath and nursery, Cuticura Soap and Cuticura are unrivaled. Guaranteed absolutely pure, and may be used from the hour or birth. ftnM throughout the world. Denote: T-ondon. 27. Charterhouse Sq.; Purls. 5. Hue de la P:iix: Austra lia a. lowns at co.. oyaicy; jnaia. u. jk. xuui. Calcutta; China. 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Special department for young boy s under 17 years. For inf orixuitfoii , add ro&s B. 1. Hay ward. Sup Cotner University BethHnY,Neb..Mncoln'8nestsnbnrB.CoLl.Glt Ijibcrul A'ris. Medicine. Scuooi.s: Bible, Music, Bx preftsiun. Business, Normal. Art. Acadkhv. til" ester- upon September 7. January 26. Bxpuuaea vary low. Bend for catAloir, etc. FULL POUND r -1 S a - no No premiums, but oncihird more starch than you get of other brands. Try it now, for hot or cold starching it has no equal and will not stick to the iron. -1 f