In Which Archie Feeds the Famishing By P. G. WODEHOUSE and Pie Leads to Peace Illustrated by JEFFERSON MACHAMER ___ _s _ I THE lobby of the Cosmopolls hotel was a favorite stamping: ground of Mr. Daniel Brewster, Us proprietor. He liked to wander about there, keeping a paternal eye on tilings, rather In the manner of tlie t jolly Innkeeper of the old-fashioned novel. Customers who, hurrying In to dinner, tripped over Mr. Brewster were apt to mistake him for the house detective, for his eye was keen and his aspect a trifle austere, but, nevertheless, he was being as Jolly an .Innkeeper as he knew how. Most of the time, Mr. ferewster stood In one spot and Just looked thoughtful; but now and again he would wander to the marble slab be hind which he kept the desk clerk and run his eye over the register to ace" who had booked rooms— like a child examining the stocking on Christmas morning to ascertain what Santa Claus had brought him. As a rulp, Mr. Brewster concluded this performance by shoving the hook back across the marble slab and resuming his meditations. But one nlght-ln the early, spring, he varied this procedure hy starting rather violently, turning purple, and utter ing tin exclamation which was mani festly an exclamation of chagrin. He turned abruptly and cannoned Into his son-in-law, Archie Moffam, who, in company with Lucille, hla wife, happened to be crossing the lobby on his way to dine in their suite. Mr. Brewster apologized gruffly, then, recognizing the victim, seemed to re ~ grot having done so. “You mustn’t bully Archie.” said Lucille severely, “because he’s an angel and I love him, and you must learn to love him, too.” "Clive you lessons at a reasonable rate,” murmured Archie. Mr. Brew ster regarded his young relative with a lowering eye. “What’s tho matter, father dar ling?” asked Lucille. “You seem up am upset,” Mr. Brewster snort ed. "Why, what’s happened?” • “Those darned McCalls have regis tered here.” "No!” "Bit beyond me. "this,” said Archie. “Deep waters and what-not. Who are the McCalls?’’ “Some people father dislikes.” said Lucille. “And they’ve chosen his hotel to stop at. But. father dear, you mustn't mind. It’s really a compli ment. They've come because they know it’s the best hotel In New Tork.” Lucille steered her husband to the elevator. “Poor father:” ’ she said, aa they went to their suite. “It’a a sham*. They must have done It to annoy him. This man McCall lias a place next to some property father bought In Westchester, and he's bringing a lawsuit against father about a bit of land which he claims belongs to him. He might have had tact to go to an other hotel. But, after all. I don t suppose It was the poor little fellow’s *W^ fault.'He does whatever Ills wife tells him to. "Mr. McCall is one of those little, meek men. and his wife's one of those big, bullying women. It was she who started all the trouble with father. Father and Mr. McCalt were very fond of each other till she made him begin the suit. I feel sure she made him come to -this hotel Just to annoy father. Still, they’ve probably taken the most expensive suite In the place, x which Is something.” Archie was at the telephone. Ills mood* was now one of quiet peace. Of all the happenings which went to make up existence in New York, he liked best the cozy, tete-a-tete dinners with Lucille In thelr^aulte, which, owing to their many engagements— for Lucille was a popular girt with many friends—occurred all too seldom. “Touching now th® <*u**tlon ^ o. browsing and sluicing,” he said. "I’ll he getting them to send along a waiter." “Ofi, good gracious:" ‘-•What's the matter?” ".I've Just remembered. T promised fiKhiolly I would go and see .lane Murchison today, I must rush. She s sure to make me stop to dinner. I tell you what. Order something for me. and. if I'm not back In half an hojir, start.” The waiter arrived, booked the order, and departed. Archie hail Just completed his toilet after a shower bath when a musical clinking with out announced the advent of the meal. He opened the door. The waiter wag there with a table congested with things under covers, from which escaped a savory and appetizing odor. In spite of hla depression. Archie's soul perked up a trifle. Suddenly he became aware that he was not the only person present who was deriving enjoyment from Hie scent of the meal. Standing beside the waiter and gazing wistfully at the foodstuffs, was a long, thin boy of aliout 1G. He was one i f those boys who seem all legs and knuckles. He 1 id pale-red hair, sandy eyelashes, and a long neck; and hla eyes, as he removed them from the table and raised them to Archie's, had a hungry look. "That smells good," said the boy. He Inhaled deeply. “Yes, sir." he con tinued, as one whose mtisd I* definite iy made up; 'Umt atnellH good!” Before AiVhJe • ould reply, the tele phope bell rang. It was Lucille. • on firming her Jifophecy that dans would insist on her staying to dine “Jane," said Archie Into the tele phone, "Is a pot of poison. The waiter la here now, setting out a rich banquet, and I shall have to est two of everything hy myself-" He hung up the receiver, and. turn ing. met the pale eye of the tong hoy, who had propped himself up In the ! doorway. "Were you expecting somebody to dinner?” asked the hoy. "Why, yes, old filend; T was." • “I wlah—” •'Oh. nothing.” J4 Archie was not an abnormally rapid ' thinker,-hut he began at tbls point to get a clearly defined impreaalon that this tad. If Invited, would waive the formalities and consent to Join hla meal. Indeed, the Idea Archie got was Hint, if he were not Invited pret ty amui, he would Invite himself. ’•Yes.” he agreed; “It doesn’t smell fcfid- what?” “It^jlje^oud," I*** ho*'- “Oh, % doesn't it? AVake me up in the night and ask me if it doesn't.” “Vou've dined, T suppose—what?” said Archie. "I never dine.” “What?” "Not really dine, I mean. I only get vegetables and nuts and things,” “Dieting?” "Mother is.” "I don't absolutely catch the drift, old bean,” said Archie.. The boy sniffed with half clbsed eyes as a wave of perfume froAn the poulet en casserole floated past him. “Mother's a food-reformer.”' he vouchsafed. "She lecture* on It. Sb* lone after the other in the same ring Ion the same evening, and given eni a. handicap, too. 'R would have otn swallowed tills 'ere o'Oowd. without turning a hair, as a relish with 'is ten. I'd got a couple 'undred dollars on Mm. and thought myself lucky to get the odds. And now—" Mr. Blake relapsed into a tortured silence. . "But what's the matter with the blighter?" asked Archie. "Why cun t he go over the top? Has he got Indi gestion?" “ 'Indigestiop!' " Mr. Blake laughed another of his hollow laughs. "You couldn't give that boy Indigestion If you feil '1m on snfety-rnzoV blades. "Seems last night, Instead of'golng and resting Ms mind at a picture^ palace, like I told him to, 'e sneakefl off to some sort of a lecture down on Eighth avenue. 'E said 'e’d seen a piece about it in the papers, and it was about rational eating, and that kind of attracted Mm. 'E sort of thought 'e might pick up a few- hints like. 'K didn’t know what rational to his, one of the first persons lie raw as lie entered the lobby of the Cpsmopolis was tbe long Tx>.v. • “Well, well, wait:’- said Archie. “Were we are again—what?" He prodded the boy amiably in the lower ribs. "You're just the chap 1 was looking for. (lot anything on for tho time being?" The boy said he had no engage ments. "Then I want you to stagger round with me to a chappie 1 know on Sixth avenue. It's only a couple of blocks away. I think I can do you a bit of good. Put yon onto somethtng tolerably Pipe, if you know what 1 mean. Trickle along, laddie; you don't need a hat.'" They found Mr. Blake brooding over his troubles still. . The long boy scanned the poster. A gleam appeared in his rather dull eye. "Well?'' "Home people have all the luck, said the long boy feelingly. "Would . you like to compete— what?” f - The boy nulled a sad smile. “Would l? Would I? Say—” "1 know,” Interrupted Archie. The word was like a battle-cry. At about 9 o’clock on the following morning, in a suite at the Hotel Cos rnopolis, Mrs. Cora Hates McCall, the eminent lecturer on rational eating, .was seated at breakfast with her fam ily. Before her sat Mr. McCall, n lit tle, hunted-looking inun, the natural peculiarities of whose face were ac centuated by a pair of glasses of semicircular shape, like half-moons with the horns turned up. Behind these, Mr. McCall’s eyes played a perpetual game of peek-a-boo, now peering up over them, anon ducking down and behind them. He was sip ping a cup of anti caffeln. On his fight, toying listlessly with a plateful of cereal, sat his son, Washington. Mrs. McCall herself was eating a slice of health-bread and nut butter. For she practiced as well as preached the doctrines which site had striven for so many 'years to inculcate In an unthinking populace. Her day always began with a light but nutritious breakfast, at which a peculiarly un inviting cereal, which looked and tast’ed like an/dd straw hat that had been run through a meat chopper, competed for first place In "the tils broke off. "What is the matter, Washy?’’ It seemed that the habit of shudder ing at the thought of pie ran in the McCall family, for, at the mention of the word, a kind of internal shimmy had convulsed Washington's lean frame, and over ids face there had come an expression that was almost one of pnin. "Pie—” proceeded Mrs. McCall, In her platform voice. She stopped again abruptly. "Whatever is the matter, Washington? You arc mak ing me nervous," “I’m all right.” Mrs. McCall had lost the thread of her remarks. Moreover, having now finished her breakfast, she was in clined for a little light reading. One of the Subjects allied to the matter of dietary on which she felt deeply was the question of reading at meals. She was of the opinion that the strain on the eye, coinciding with the strain on the digestion, could not fail to give the latter the short end of the contest; and it was a rule at hey table thut the morning paper should not even be glanced at till the conclusion or the meal. She said that it was up setting to begin the day by leading the paper, and events were to prove that she was occasionally right. All through breakfast, The Citron makes pop and m# llv* on vegetables and nuts and things." Archie was shocked. "My dear old chap, you must suffer agontes—absolute shooting-pains!" He had no hesitation now. Common hu manity pointed out his course. "Would you car# to Join me In a bits now?" “Would I?" The boy smiled a wan smile. "Would I? Just stop me on the street and ask me!" "Come on In, then," said Archie, rightly taking this peculiar phrsse for formal acceptance. “And clohe the door. didn't want to miss It. 'E came In here Just now.” said Mr. Blake dully,- “and 'e was a changed lad. Scared to death 'e was. Said the way 'e'd been going on In the past, It was a wonder 'e’d got any stum mick left. It was a lady that give the lecture, and this boy said It was amazing what ahe told 'em about blood-pressure end things 'e didn’t even kndw ’e 'ad. She showed 'em pictures—colorsd pictures—of what sppens Inside the injudicious eater s stummlck who doesn't chew his food, "Wake you up In the night and ask you! I knew I could rely on you, old thing.” He turned to Mr. Blake. "Here's the fellow you've been want ing to meet the finest left and right hand eater east of the Kockles: He'll fight the good fight for you.” Mr. Blake's English training still retained a nice eye for the distinc tions of class. “But this young gentleman’s a young gentleman,” he urged doubt fully. yet with hope ehlning In his eye. "He wouldn't do It.” “Wouldn't do what?” asked the boy. like or her husband and ton witn a mdre than usually offensive brand of imitation coffee. Mr. McCall was in clined to think that he loathed the near-toffee rather more than .the ce real, but Washington held strong views on th« latter's superior ghastli ness. Both Washington and hie fath er. however, would have been fair minded enough to admit that It was s close thing. Mrs. McCall regarded her offspring with grave approval. "I am glad to see* Lindsay.’ she said to her husband, whose eyes sprang dutifully over the glass fence uiul it wan like a hurtle field. K »ald 'e would no more, think of eatln' a lot of pie Uiun 'e would of ehootln’. Tin self, and, anyhow, eating |de would he a quicker death. I reasoned with Trn, Mr. Moffntn, with tears In my eye* llut there wuen't any doing anything with hint. 'K give me the knock and 'opperi It down the street to huy nut*. Two 'undred dollars and more gone pop. not to talk ©f the BO dollar* > would have won, and me to get 2B of!’’ Archie took hie tobacco and walked pensively back to the hotel. He was fond of Joe Blake, and grieved for the trouble that had oome upon him. It was odd, he felt. , how thing* seemeil to link thetnselves tip to get her. The woman who had delivered the feleftil lecture to the injudicious enter* of the West Hide could not he other than the mother of hi* young gueat of last night. As If destiny were suiting her plans ...» .. . "Why. snve the old homestead by taking on the chumplon. Dashed sad rase, between ourselves. This pour egg's nominee has given him the raspberry nt the eleventh hour, and only you ran save him. And you owe It to him to do something, you know, because It was your Jolly old mater's letfure Isat night thaj made the nom inee quit. You must charge In and take hla idace Sort of poetic Justice, don't you know, and whatnot." He turned to Mr. Illakc. "When I* the conflict supposed to start? Twothlr ey? You haven't any Important en gagement for two-thirty, have you? "No. Mother's lunching *t some la dles' club nnd giving s lecture after ward. I can slip away." Archie milled his head. "Then leg It where glory wait* you, old bean." The long hoy was gaging earnestly at llw poster. "I'lsT he said In a hushed voice, tr dm he heard id* name, inni waany ha* recovered 111* appetite. When he refuaed hi* dinner last night, I was n fin Id that he might lie alckenhtg for aomethlng. Kapectnly a* he had quite h fluahed look. You noticed hie fill Bil l'd look?’ ’’He did look fluahed. "Very fluahed. And, when he aald Hint he hml no appetite, I am bound to any that I wn* anxtoua. Hut he la evidently perfectly well thl* morn ing. You do feet perfectly well thl* morning, Waahy?" The heir of the McCall* looked up from hla cereal, "t’h huh." he *ahl. Mr* McCall nodded "Surely now you will ngiee, I4nd any, that n eureful and rational diet la what a Imy ticeda. 1 ahud.lri when I think of the growing boy* who are permitted by Irreaponaitde people to devour meat—candy—pie—” She i Icle had been lying neatly folded be side her plate. She now opened It, and with a remark about looking for the report of her yesterday’! lecture at the Butterfly club, directed her gaze at the front page, on which she hoped that a city editor with the best Intereats of the public at heart, had decided to place her. Mr. McCall, Jumping up and down behind his glasses, scrutinized her face closely as she began to read. He always did this on these occasions, for none knew better than he that his comfort for the day depended largely on eome unknown reporter whom he had never met. Today, he noted with relief, all seemed to be well. The story actual ly waa on the front page. Mre. McCall gave a aharp Shriek, and the paper fluttered from her hand. "My dear!" aaJd Mr. McCall with concern. Hla wife had recovered the paper, and waa reading with burning eyea. "Waalilngton!’ A banllsk glare shot serose the table and turned the long boy to stone—all eacept hla mouth, which opened feebly. "Washington!' Is this true? Washy closed his mouth, then let it slowly open again. "My dear!’’ Mr. McCall's voice was alarmed. "What is it? "What is the matter? Is anything wropg? ‘"Wrong! Head for yourself? Mr. McCall was completely mysti fied. Where, Mr. McCall asked him self, did Washington come in? He looked st the |«per and per ceived Immediate enlightenment. 1 lead-lines met his eyes. noon stuff in this boy. about a ton of it Son of (Ntra Bates McCall, Famous Food Reform lecturer. Wins Pie Eating Championship of West Side. There followed a lyrical outburst. So uplifted hn^ the reporter evident ly felt for the Importance of his news that he had been unable to confine himself to prose. "My children. If you fall to shine or triumph in your special line; If. let us say, your hopes are bent on some day being prealdent, and folks Ignore your proper worth and aay votive not got s chance on earth. < beer up, for, In these stirring day*, fame may lie won In many ways. Con sider, when your spirits fall, the case of Washington McCall. Ills mother (nee Miss Coil Rates! Is one who frequently orates upon the proper kind of food which every menu should Include. With eloquence the yvmld she urnus for chops and steaks and pork and beans. Sucb horrid things she'd like to crush and make us live ou milk, and ntusli. But. oh. the thing that makes her sigh Is w hgn she sees us eating pie! (We heard her lecture Inst July upon "The Nation's Menace- Pie I Alas, the hit It irmde was small with Master Washington McCall. For yesterday we took a trip to see the great pic eating champion, where men with bulging cheeks and eyea consume vast quantities of pies A fashionable West Side crowd be held the champion, spike (I'llowd, endeavor In defend his throne against an upstart. Blake's Unknown. He wasn't an Unknown at all. He was young Washington McCall. "The champion was a willing lad He gave the puhlto all he had. Ilia was s genuine fighting soul He'd lots of speed and much control No yellow streak did he etlnoe; he tackled apple pic and mince. This Was the motto on his shield "tVIViwds may buret. They never yield." Hlaj eyes he grill to start Still tad!. He eased hla bolt another Uo\p. Poor fellow! With a single glance, eh' saw that he had not a chance A python would have had to ci^wl and own defeat from young McCall "At last—long last—the finish came. His features ■ overcast with shame, O'Jkrwd. who faltered onee or twice, declined to cat another slice. He tottered off, and kindly men ral lied round with oxygen. Hut Washy. Cora Batcfl's son, seemed disappointed It wm done. 11" somehow made those present feel he'd barely started on his meal. We asked him, '‘Aren't you feeling bad?" "Me!" said the lion hearted lad. "Lead me"— he started for the street—"where I can get a bite to eat.” Oh, what a lesson does it teach to all of us. that splendid speech? How better can the curtain fall on Master Washington McCall?" Mr. McCall read this epic through; then he looked at his son. If such a thing had not been so Impossible, one would have said that hia gaze had In It Something of respect,- of admira tion. even of reverence. "But how did they find out your name?" he asked, at length. Mrs. McCall exclaimed impatiently, "Is that all you have to say?” "N'o, no. my dear; of course not. But the point struck me as curious." “Wretched boy,” cried Mrs. McCall, 'were you insane enough to reveal your name?” Washington wriggled uneasily. "Ilullo-ullo-ullo! What ho? What ho?" Archie, was standing In the door way. beaming ingratiatingly on the family. The apparition of an entire stranger served to divert the lightning of Mrs. McCall's gazp from the unfor tunate Washy. Archie, catching It between the eyes, blinked and held on to the wall. He began to regret that he had yielded to Lucille's entreaty that he should look In on the McCall’s and use the magnetism of hia person ality upon them in the hdt*e of induc ing them to settle the law-suit. "I think,” said Mrs. McCall Icily, "that you must have mistaken your room.” Archie rallied his shaken forces. "Oh, no; rather not! Better Intro duce myself—what? My name’s Moffam, yqji know. I'm old Brew ster's son-in-law. and all that sort of rot. If you know what I mean.” He gulped and continued. "I've come about this Jolly old lawsuit, don't you know." Mr McCall seemed about to speak, but his wife anticipated him. "Mr. Brewster's attorneys ere In communication with ours. We do not wish to discuss the matter." Archie resumed his discourse: "No—hut I say, you know! I’ll tell you what happened. I hate to totter in where I’m not wanted and all that, but my wife made such a point of It. She begged me to look you up and J see whether we couldn't do something about settling the Jolly old thing. How about it?" He broke off. "Great Scott! I say—what?" Bo engrossed had he been in his appeal that he had not observed the presence of the pie eating champion of the West Side. But now Washing ton, hearing the familiar voice, had moved from the window and was confronting him with an accusing stare, "He made me do It!" said Washy, j with the stern joy a l* year-o)d feels I when he sees somebody onto whose. shoulder* hs ran shift troubls from hhs own, “This’s the fellow who toot, me to the place.’’ "What ara you talking about, Washington?" "I’m telNsg you! Ite got m# Into the thing." • "Is this true?" Mrs. McCall glared Stonily at Archie. "Was It you who lured my poor hoy Into that—that "That hinge ovur on the , JlTesf Side?. Oh. absolutely! Th# fact is, don't" you know, u dear old pal of mine who runs a tobacco shop on Sixth avenue was rather In the soup. He had hacked a chappie against the champion, and the chappie was oon verted l>y one of your lectures and swore off pie at the 11th hour. Dash ed haril luck on the poor chap, don't you know' And then I g"t the Idea that our little friend here was th# one to step In ami save tits sltuaah: so I broaidied th£ matter to him. And I'll tell you one thing." said Archie handsomely, "I ilon't know what sort of a capacity the original chappie had. hut I'll bet he wasn't In -your son's class.’’ For many years, Mr. McCall* had been In a state of suppressed revolu tion. He had smoldered, but had not dared to Maze. Hut this startling up heaval of his fellow sufferer, Washy, had acted upon him like a high ex plosive. There was a strange gleam In his eye. a gleam of determination. "Washy!" .Ills voice had lost Its deprecating" mildness. It rang strong and clear. "Yes, pop?" "How many pies did you eat?" "A good few.” “How many? Twenty?" "More than that. I lost count." “And you feel as well as evsr?" "I feel fine." Mr. McCall met his wife# ey# wltn quiet determination. "Cora," he said resolutely, “I hav# com# to a decision. I’vs been letting you run things your own way a llttla too long In this family. I am going to assert myself. For on# thing, I’yo had all I want of this food-reform feol. ery. Look at Washy! Yesterday that boy seems to have conaumed anything from a couple of hundredweight to A ton of pie, and he has thriven on It. Thriven! I don't want to hurt your feelings, Coray but Washington and I have drunk our last cup of anti caffeln. If you care to go on with the stuff, that's your lookout. But Washy and I ar* through." H# si lenced his wife with a masterful ges ture, and turned to Archie. "And there's another thing; I never liked the Idea of that lawsuit, but I 1st you talk me Into it. Now I'm going to do things my way. Mr. Moffam, I'm glad you looked In this morning, I'll do Juat what you want. Take me to Dan Brewster now. and let'* call the thing off and shake hand# on It.*’ "Are you mad. Lindsay?" It was Oora Bate# McCall'a last shot. Mr. McCall paid no attention to It. He was shaking hands with ArchieX "I consider you, Mr. Moffam." ho said, “th# most sensible young man I* have ever met." Archie blushed modestly. "Awfully good of you, old bear.:" he said. "I wonder if you'd mind telling my jolly old father-In law that. It'll be a bit of news for him.’* (Copyrlfht. 1II8-) ADVKRI1IEMEM. Let Tanlac restore Your health IF your body is all fagged-out and run-down, if you are losing weight steadily, lack appe tite, have no strength or energy— why not let Tanlat help you back to health and strength? So many millions have been benefited by the Tanlac treat ment, so many thousands have written to testify to that effect that it’s sheer folly not to make the test. 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