SHADES OF WARD M’ALLISTER
—-----By o. 0. M’INTVRE.
Not so long ago some touch of
human perversity gave me the urge
to become a sort* of social lion—a
Ward McAllister or a Henry Lehr.
Tt urn* puerile vanity. Hitherto it
tressed Itself in loud socks
es whose colorings could not
by any means be classed as trivial.
I wanted to hot-dog it among the
social swanks. Through a mistake
in names, chance gave me my op
portunity. I received an invitation
intended for another to one of those
glorified bal-masques where ladles
wear ropes of pearls around their
necks and the men filagreed silver
things on their hips.
The guests sometimes come to
these affairs In grand limousines
and are carted away in patrol wag
ons—feet up. O. yes, New York so
ciety at times is rough.
I thought of costuming as a Cas
anova. That old bird seemed to be
popular wherever he went. I had
in mind a black Venetian suit—with
brocaded stockings hiding my
skinny legs, limbs or whatever they
are, lace falling about the cuffs, a
black turned up hat with a cpck
ade, wig and other things that were
The kitten's meow in a dead cen
tury.
Quick, Watson, the Needle.
A theatrical costumer outfitted
me and, if I do say it myself, I was
somewhat of a dandy. I knew I
couldn't stay for the unmasking
for society would welcome me just
about as much as the kaiser would
Lloyd George.
Anyway, I dolled all up. hired a
taxi that must have been a wonder
about the time Napoleon was a ca
det, and fared forth on my first ad
venture among the four hundred.
Outside the street was roaring
with handsomely equipped ve
hicles—horse drawn and motor pro
pelled. There were necklaces of
lights stretching across the street.
Sidewalks were carpeted and
flanked on either side by flowers.
A major domo In high fur hat with
gold chin strap and more grim*
cracks on his bosom than John
Philip Sousa acted as carriage
starter. He was certainly gorgeous.
He took a look at my taxi and
the beetle-browed fellow who drove
r** and I think he expected Gyp the
" 'Blood to step out. But when he
saw my short pants with silver
buckles, well, they got him. He
inspected my handsomely engraved
W X SHAAC ASK ^
a him t'o ceAve
^ _ OuieTLV^/
I
*■*»»«* »«■ > T.
“Ladies and gentlemen; There is a person in the room who does not be
long here.
invitation and bade me welcome.
I walked up to .the grilled en
trance with nty knee* imitating a
brand new set of castanets just in
from Spain. Awaiting me was the
host togged up in the manner of a
Moorish Prince. He had rings on
each finger and his coatume was
of that lustrous silk that must have
made it tough sledding for silk
worms. I had to reach up to shake
hand—one of those kind.
In the reception room was a scene
of splendor such as I had never be
held. Not even in the movies where
I get most of my idea of splendor.
It was decorated with exquisite tin
sels, spider-thin silks embroidered
in gold and a great fountain rose
and fell under soft colored lights.
It was no place for the son of a
hotel keeper.
But there I was, although any
moment I expected to be counting
the stars In the middle of the car
tracks. Other guests were fussing
around, bowing and scraping and
I was meandering about in the
manner of a step child.
Finally a bugler—who had pants
not a whit better than mine—ap
peared In a suddenly opened door
way and sounded a few notes. I
didn't know whether it was a sig
nal for food, dancing or an acro
batic act, but I fell in with the rest
—nonchalantly chewing my wad of
gum.
Those Who Can—March.
It happened to be the signal for
the grand march and for those who
could walk straight it seemed all
right. But it was easy to see what
they had been serving in the recep
tion room was not pink lemonade.
I would never call the march grand.
Still, It was their party, and I as
an unbidden guest would not do
one thing to mar It. I’m that way
—ever thoughtful of others.
Atter they untangled from the
grand march, two Jazz bands—one
at each end of the room—played In
unison. I selected as a partner for
the dance a woman who was also
in Venetian costume. At least ws
had someth ng In common in our
costumes. She was tall, stately
and like one of those Longhi paint
ings with a tricorne over one ear.
“Do you shimmy?" I asked.
And the quick shrug she gave to
her shoulders would have made
Gllda Gray bust right out crying.
“I certainly do not,” she said
with a hauteur that would shame
a London bell hop.
“Well, anyway,” I said, "let’s
dance. "And so we whirled away.
I know there was something about
ms she didn't like. I think it was
those brocaded stockings—or what
looked so bent and warped beneath
mem.
"A beastly season at Deauville,"
I ventured.
"Re-al-ly," she drawled.
"Where did you spend the sea
son?”—from me. You know society
does everything by seasons except
Its drinking. That's an all-year
around event and quite two-fisted.”
Just Uke a Drummer.
"Here and there," she said. And
somehow I got the idea she might
Be a traveling salesman.
But the music stopped and I
started with her to one of those
long low divans where if you don't
watch yourself you'll sink in up to
your neck.
“A delightful daijce,” I said, bow
ing.
"Really." she drawled again. And
I fret she was spoofing me. But
that was unnecessary. Profes
sionals have worked on me in that
line.
So I left her, not caring if I ever
saw her again. I almost hoped she'd
break her fan.
I idled about for several dances
and nobody talked to me but a
lackey and he merely asked me to
get out of the way while he opened
a window.
I thought maybe if I walked over
to the other side of the room some
one might at least talk to me. It
seemed almost as far as a "sleeper
jump,” and when I finally arrived,
a lady asked me to fetch her a
glass of water. I think she thought
I was some of the help.
All I seemed fit for was to stand
around. And I wasn’t any great
•shakes at that. After two or three
more dances there was a clash of
the cymbals. Somebody had to make
an announcement. I never went to'
a party yet that amounted to any
thing that somebody didn’t have to
make an announcement.
But I never expected one like this.
I know how a person feels when he *
skates into an open hole. Br-r-rl
Page One-Eyed Connelly.
The host stood on a platform and
said quietly but firmly: "Ladies
and gentlemen: There is a person
in this room that does not belong
here. I shall ask him to leave ,
quietly or request detectives to use i
force.”
There w^a a murmur of conver
sation. then a buzz. Who had
crashed the gate? I knew I wasn't
going to tell. I was going to keep
that secret. It looked as though
everybody was looking at me, so
somebody must have been telling,
but It might have been imagination.
It playa strange tricks, they say.
If It were me, one thing was sure
my debut into society was a hefty
flop. I walked around the room
looking tor some sort of exit but the
only one I could see was all crowd
ed up. So I decided to sit down and
accept my fate. After ail I had in
the old days thrown out of a lot of
places so one more wouldn’t hurt.
It couldn't spoil my social career.
It was already spoilt as carrion.
Then a man got up and started
out. They didn't mean me after all.
He was a tattle tale for one of the
society weeklies that prints the
carryings on in high circles.
That was that. But I didn’t tarry
much longer. When a dance struck
up, I ambled out. leaving the four
hundred flat on its back and went
straight home, changed rny clothes
and dropped into Jake's cafe whero
the customers bring their own Haw
dust and where men are men even
if eggs are not always eggs. My
social career had ended. I'll stick
around with my own gang from
now on.
(Copyright. l»23.)
GOSSIP IN THE GA Y CITY By Basil Woon
Paris, Oct. 20.—Strange sciences,
whereof few men wot, exist in the
shadow of modern achievements.
Two ladies in France, eminent
graphologists, have lately an
nounced that, because modern hand
writing tends more and more to the
vertical, young girls are becoming
less sentimental and more inclined
to materialistic life.
•‘What,” says Gabriel Reulllard.
essayist, writing in Kxcclsior, “will
young girls think of this? ‘The ris
ing feminine generation is less dis
posed to accept the domination of
the elder and is more resolute W»
the firm intention to be independ
ent and to regard life without a
mirage, ...
“ 'Romance is departing from the
life of the average girl in her teens,
never had more than a poetical
This is a good thing, for romance
je. It tended to make girls mor
bid and distrait. Often It was not
healthy.
" ‘The rising generation of young
women is discarding romance for
the realities of life, especially
sports. Soon the "clinging vine"
type of French girl, and the type
which yields to the first ardent
lover, wiU be extipet.’
“What a prospect,” concludes
Reulllard, "for the romanclers of
. the next century!
“With the banishment of romance
as the absorbing element in young
girls’ lives shall we see also the
death of sentiment—or even the
doom of love?”
"The doom of love”—queer phrase
from the pen of a Frenchman!
And while we are on the subject
of love, here is another cherished
Illusion shattered by those profes
sional pessimists, the statisticians:
Love, say the gentlemen of form
ulas and figures, is no longer the
main reason for suicide.
Four . thousand recent suicides
were examined in order that the
above startling fact might be
brought to view. How many of
these do you think were caused,
directly or Indirectly, by unfortu
nate love affairs. Just precisely
306'
Domestic sorrow is the main
criminal. .Three hundred and sixty
one suicides were its toll. Money,
fatal money, came In aecond with
311. Poverty and ruin accounted
*Uwr 377 each, remorse for 1S4 and
dissipation for 121.
But this isn’t all. The love sui
cides have been classified them
selves, and only 11 of the 306 were
the result of lovers’ quarrels. Still
fewer—five—were the outcome of
infidelity. t
But ‘‘unrequited love" came to
* the bat with 117 tragedies, and de
sertion by a loved one caused 88
suicides. Fifty-eight persons, most
ly women, killed themselves because
their marriages did not materialize
and 16 because their fiances died.
Are men more morbid, more
neurasthenic, than women? In Eu
rope they are, If we are to believe
statistics, which show that only 37
per cent of the persons who took
their lives were women.
"Why is a fat man Jolly?"
"Why does a fat man wear light
colored clothes?"
These are among a aeries of ques
tions put by the French Two-Hun
dred-Pound club, which counts
among its members some of the
most prominent fat men of France.
This club, by the way, insists
that fat men are not lazy, and to
uphold its contention rejected *
candidate because he did not move
quick enough.
Members are organizing a swim
around1 Paris in the Seine. The
swim will take a month, and each
section will start with an aperitif
(French for cocktail) and will end
with a banquet.
The bulkiest member of the
French government, Henri Beraud,
who wrote “Le Martyre de I'Obese,"
called the "Fat Man’s Classic,” is a
patron member of the club. •
A great argument has just been
settled by a court In the department
of Aveyron, France.
Aveyron la where Roquefort
cheese coincs from. This clr-wse is
made in the neighborhood of the
town of Rodez and is then taken to
the other end of the department
and placed In the salt cave* of
Roquefort, the little village which
gives Its name to the cheese.
Only in these caves can Roque
fort cheese obtain Us proper flavor,
its delicate texture.
Recently the company which
owns the Roquefort caves declined
to accept for ageing some cheese on
the ground that it was not proper
Roquefort, having been made from
cows' milk. Oenuine Roquefort, it
was explained, can only be made
from ewes' milk.
The dairy protested, whereupon
Chief Mexican Bull Fighter Paid
$150,000 for Seasons Work
New York, Oct. 20.—Those who
regard Babe Iluth and Jack Demp
sey as the highest paid athletes in
the world are invited to consider
the case of Oaonita. chief of the
bullfighters of Mexico, now sum
mering in Hpnln. Oaonita—an af
fectionate diminutive of Qaona—col
lects more than $150,000 for an
opera-length season and Is rated a
millionaire.
It is declared In Mexico City that
boxing and baseball are displacing
bullfighting In Mexican popularity.
If that is so—and there are indi
cations that it is—and if star base
ball players and boxflghtess are paid
on the same scale as bullfighters,
Mexico may have to arrange for
still further financial assistance
from the international bankers.
Lesser stars, like Bllvetl and Freg,
have made more money In propor
tion to the length of their careers
than any of the star fighters or
boxers, not even excepting the
meteoric Klrpo, who is certain to
collect a vast pile of pesos In the
near future.
Oaonita lives In a very fine and
largo house in the embassy district
of Mexico City. Ha owns a number
of profitable apartment houses and
la a shrewd Investor in other ways.
He has adopted the American style
of capitalizing his fame by permit
ting his intrepid phiz to appear In
advertisements of many kinds.
When he quarreled with the pro
- prletors of the big bull ring he
could afford to break with them and
build one of his own.
Imagine Babe Ruth, peeved with
the management of the Yanks, build
ing a rival ball park In New York;
or Jack Dempsey setting up a ring
in opposition to Rickard's big am
phitheater over in Jersey! It isn't
done.
Toward the end of the bullfighting
season in Mexico City boxing shows
were drawing as heavily as bull
fighting and getting larger admis
sion fees. Visit* from such well
known fighters as Luts Ftrpo and .
Sam Langford helped to stimulate
interest.
Baseball remains in the aVnateur
stage, although admission Is charged
at the more important games. The
rooting is frequently of so ripe
and frank a character ns to bring
pink blushes to the cheek of the
most violent American fun.
The crowds are usuntly more or
derly at the boxing shows, although
at both soldiers are stationed at the
entrances to frisk the armed fan
for his revolver. The Mexican sport
fan is more easily het up than his
/
northern brother and more careless
ly Impulsive when armed,
Cas Mask for Trainmen
A gas mask has been invented for
train crews subjected to dangerous
gases thrown off by the locomotive
when passing through long tunnels.
By means of the mask a supply of
fresh air la delivered to the wearer
from a compressed air valve of the
engine, the air passing from the In
terior of the mask through a heat
insulating chamber formed by a
double wall, so that a current of
fresh air is continually supplied to
the mask, preventing the heat from
passing through the walls.
the Roquefort company retaliated
by bringing suit to restrain the
dairy from calling its cheese Roque
fort. The suit has just been won,
with damages. So now those who
delight in Roquefort cheese are
more or less protected.
One other thing about Roquefort
Cheese may be of Interest to eaters
thereof. This la the explosion of
the widely current belief that the
green spots in the cheese are caused
by copper wires.
Their real cause is mouldy bread,
which Is mixed with the cheese
when it is freih.
Interesting Notes from
Shop and Laboratory
The first machine gun was invent
ed in 1775.
Hugarless sugar has been maJe at
Liverpool university by means of
-the action of light on carbolic acid.
The largest submarine power ca
ble in existence is In Japan. It is
23 miles long, and weighs six ton*
per 1000 feet.
Prof. Oswald, Germany's greatest
chemical scientist, was awarded th<*
Nebel prize In that division on his
70th birthday.
The world record by fliers of tno
torless gliders is claimed by Otto
Martina of Germany. He holds the
record of seven miles and 80 yards.
Glenn L. Curtis, famous airplane
Inventor, says he can build a plane
which would travel 600 miles an
^iour. but that It would be im
practical.
Glenn H. Curtiss won the first
speed record In 1909 when he /flew
In an airplane at the rate of 43
miles an hour. The present record
for airplane flight Is 266 miles an
hour, or more than 390 feet a
second.
Fine Pony For You Now
Solve Tfclfl Paulo. Cot m Prime
Her* arc seven ponies in this pesf. fly
drawing three straight lines you can put
each pony in a pen by himself. You can
do this if you try. When you have solvod
this puzzle f will send you ft Beautiful
Hi rrl i ’ards and tell you how to get a Beau
tiful Shetland Pony. Bridle and Saddle
valued at 1150.00 for your own. More then
MS hoye and girls already have their ponies
end they are all delighted with them You
can gel a One pony aad be as happy as they
are. Send for my hlg plan right away.
I BILL BILL, At SMImmI Pony Mm
111 ropwlar BwMiac. I*. Nmk. law*