STRIKING A FEW OCTAVES!
-By o. o. McIntyre—
I have recently been taking piano
lessons by mail. I had high hopes
of being able to offer something
In the way of a parlor trick when
Invited out for the evening. I am
Sone of those mental zeros to be
found in almost any gathering
where everybody else is merry and
bright.
I somehow manage to find the
moet uncomfortable chair in the
place and while the others exchange
what is known in New Yorks as
gossip and in Hollywood as dirt I
just twiddle my thumbs.
There comes a time when the
hostess usually has a pang of sym
pathy for me and tries to bright»n
my evening by showing me a hand
painted miniature of grandpop.
Whenever they begin showing you
miniatures it means that if you
ever had an idea there was a wild
strain in you and that you might
become the life of the parly you
were being kidded.
You are just a social dud. So
that is why I fell for the lure of
a music by mail ad. The trouble
with those birds is that they never
give a sucker an even break. I
thought in two weeks 1 would be
able to play one of those dashing
tunes they play at the movies. Vou
know—"Launching of the S. 8.
Colorado"—and then the close-up.
'The Governor’s Daughter.”
But after a month 1 can’t even
play "Blue Bells of Scotland” and
1 will be willing to trade all my
music lessons for a couple of ani
mal crackers. I don’t even know
how to put on the loud pedal and
the second Instalment on the piano
Is due Tuesday.
Defeated by the Villain.
There was s time when I was
something of a mandolin player.
I used to sit out on the front
porches with the girls, play, “1
Guess I’ll Have to Telegraph My
Baby,” be served with one of those
medicated bandage things known
as a Jelly roll and a glass of milk
and go home imagining I awas
cat's cuff.
About that time a new hotel clerk
arlved from the city with an ac
cordion and left us mandolin play
ers high and dry. How we hated
fellow
. nere is something about a fel
low who plays the piano the girls
like. They cluster about him. fix
I S'N'T HE
JUST TOO,
cure»
rnij .. I ..........--...ss wssw iSWSi
“Cake eaten are now known aa nx hounds."
his tie. and pick fluff of his shoul
der. He seems to wear a halo of
romance. It might be—and often
is—the only thing he can do, but
he manages to have a dinner suit
and be invited everywhere.
I'm not knocking the mualc-by
mail idea. There ' may be those
who can master It in this fashion,
but I'm not one of them. It was
rather disconcerting to be at the
dally practice just as a bellboy at
my hotel came to deliver a package.
I did a two finger exercise for his
benefit and he said It was rather
good.
It’s Just a Gift.
“I play a little myself.” he ven
tured and I gave over the piano
stool to him. He sat down and
made the piano birtn. He had nev
er taken a music lesson in his life
and played entirely by ear.
He even did some of those pieces
where you cross your hands and
run a few scales by ripping proc
ess, with the index finger. If he
had been a good strong boy I
would have given him the piano to
carry away with him.
I wonder why it is you rarely
find a real fat man who plays the
piano. As a rule piano players are
thin, rangey and have to stand
twice to make a shadow. I sup
pose if the fingers are pudgy you
can't reach the octaves. Also you
never find a fat pickpocket. If I
can’t learn to play the piano I can
at least sneer at those who do.
Piano players should be started
on their career early in life. I got
away to a bad start. I took three
lessons from the piano professor
in our town. He charged 25 cents
a lesson and made $20 a month ex
tra by being the depot agent. Aft
er the third lesson he got a regu
lar job as a brakeman and left all
the piano fledglings in town flat.
Turning Back the Pages.
I used to make quite a study of
piano players in the old days of
.the saloon back room. Just a soci
ological study, of course. They
were good tough lads who gave
freely of their art for pitched nick
els and free drinks^ They had a
way of throwing one leg across the
other sitting half sidewise and per
mitting a rolled cigaret to hang
loosely from their lips.
They •’improvised" things and
about the only exercise they got
was shortly before the last round
when they plopped off the stool to
the floor in a sort of haze. Some
times they slept on the pool table
and other times where they hap
pened to fall. The barkeeps spoke
of them as "piano artists" and
most of them had gold teeth and
wore careless looking flannel shirts.
I remember in the days when
“Over the Rhine” in Cincinnati was
a flourishing row of beer concert
halls and the piano player was quite
a fellow. If he looked over at your
table and bowed a greeting you got
about the same reaction that some
people get when Belasco greets them
in the lobby.
Important, Yet Democratic.
The beer hall pianist seemed to
ua In those days as a personage.
When the girl with the pale taffy
hair sang her sentimental songs she
had a way of flashing him a smile
that rather made you envious. And
the cross table comedians with
green whiskers would speak to him
familiarly as Eddie or Jimmie. Still,
at that, he was democrtic and easy
to meet. The offer to buy him a
beer made him your friend.
But that type of pia.-*-* - issed
out with the saloon. Today they
take their cue from Paderewski—
wear flowing locks, flowing ties and
handkerchiefs in their cuffs. They
seem far above mundane things an#
go in for atmosphere.
The juvenile phenoma wear Lor#
Kauntleroy suits and are as rare
fully guarded as a dauphin. Whe»
the needs of genius were planted
they appear to have garnered the
entire crop.
in one of the great concert halls
not long ago the pianist was ren
dering one of those Intricate pieces.
A woman in the balcony happened i
to cough, lie stopped, snapped Into I
a spell of hysteria and went shriek- 1
ing into the wings and it took sever- I
al doctors to bring him around to
his normal self. Of course, it was
ail right. After all, th#e are tricks
in all trades but you cannot help
but think the lad lived for years
in a tenement flat on the level with
the elevated railroad where you
have to close the windows to carry
an ordinary conversation.
And then for one suppressed
little cough to upset him so Well
it is daubing it on a bit thick.
Girls who have to be coaxed *4
play the piano are a nuisance
After persuading them you general
ly find they have brought their
music along and expected to play
anyway and would have been hurt
if they hadn’t been asked.
Sax Hounds Hold Sway.
Just now the saxophone business
is putting a crimp in the popularity
of the pianist. The fellow who can
play a saxophone has the edge,
especially in New York.
And while I started talking about
pianos there is r*o reason why a
few paragraphs may not be de
voted to the saxophone. There is,
in the metropolis, an army of 16,
000 saxophone players.
Every boy going to college now
equips himself with one. Even old
men. daunted by the chill indiffer
ence that comes with years, are
learning to give forth the moaning
arias.
And young girls carry them in
stead of the uke. You can stir up
a duplicate of the Six Brown
Brothers in almost any gathering.
In one night cafe there is a sign:
"Patrons are not permitted to bring
saxophones to the table."
Cake enters are being referred
to as sax hounds.” And they
must be seen and heard to be ap
preciated.
(Copyright, liit)
Latest Developments
Resereh ami Invention
Throughout World
According to steam engineers, M
takes 10 tons of black coal, turned
into steam, to make one horse
power.
An all metal electric Incubator
haa been Invented, to hold from 60
to 100 eggs. It is heated automat
ically.
A pitchfork with removable
prongs, which can be replaced If
broken, ha* been invented by a Ca
nadian.
A substitute for wool is being
manufactured from cork in Spain.
The cork is first treated with chem
icals to remove any resinous sub
stances and to make it flex.ble.
The new anesthetic, made up of
ethylene gas. is a derivative of coal
tar. and is sn:<l to be non nauseating
and quicker in effect than any
other gaseous anesthetic now in
use.
p^aftcientific engineers at work in
the bureau of standards in Wash
ington are paid from $1,400 to $4,000
or $5,000 ji year. At the age of 70,
the head of a bureau receives a
pension of $1,000 a year.
To record the speed of racing
cars, an electrical timing device,
costing $6,000, is used. The time
is recorded as the front wheels of
the speeding machine touch a wire
which is stretched across the track.
A new tire Inflating safety device,
haa been tmtented. It is an air
guage which automatically cuts olT
the flow after the pressure has
risen to a point previously set on an
Indicator attached to the regular
hose connection.
The Prussian state library In Ber
lin, (lermany, haa a “talking de
part ment,“ which collection con
tains actual sounds of all languages
and dialects of the world. The rec
ords were made with the aid of a
talking machine
The new Don Pedro dam on the
Tuolumne river, near Modesto. Cal,,
la the highest dam In the world It
rises 2K3 feet. With appurtenances
It cost about $1,000,000. The wall la
1,040 feet long and 17$ feet thick at
base. The arch has a radius of 675
feet.
The meet famous rug In the
world, worth about $250,000, la in
the South Kensington museum, In
Kngland. It la known as the Arba
dll dug. ns It wns mnde In a little
Sown by that name. This wonderful
H$pet measures 34 by 17 feet, and
contains 30.000,000 knots. It took
16 years to make.
A process has been discovered is
England whereby skimmed milk
can be made Into a substitute for
ivory, ebony, amber, tortoise shell,
horn and other similar materials.
The composition is nonhiflamable.
odorless and can be drilled, glued
and dyed.
Prof. W. Lee Lewis of North
western university, inventor of
lewisite and other high explosives
and deadly gases used in the world
war. has equipped his borne with
a burglar alarm attached to a tear
gaa bomb. A11 he has to do when
the bomb goes off la to call the
police and tell them to bring an
ambulance.
Through a new proeeaa of ateel
tempering, a cold crowbar can be
chopped Into chunks with an az,
and a ateel rod can be whittled Into
shavings with a pocketknlfe. The
proeeaa consists of the use of cer
tain chemicals in water or oH In
the tempering vessel. It la declared
that any kind of tool—from a blunt
hammer head to a keen edged razor
—can be tempered to a perfection
never before attained.
According to students of ethnol
ogy, II great fundamental factor*
hav» Influenced the evolution of
civilized man. They are: Fire, the
bow and arrow, pottery, domestic
animals. Iron smelting writing,
gunpowder, printing, steam and
electricity.
ABE MARTIN On What the Auto Is Doing
• a ■
Our Idw of a Futile Cano.
we oo not oeny mat in automo
bile t* a great Invention an- a great
bleaain' to' mankind when properly
used, an’ we might In all truthrul
ness nay th' same thing about alco
hol. But how la th' automobile
bein’ used? We don't believe no
invented contrivance In all hiatory,
not barrin' th’ ahotgun. ot pistol,
th* golf stick, th' automatic planner,
th’ dlstillm' coll, th' bathin' suit,
or even th' roller skate, haa done
ao much toward th' general de
moralization of a nation aa th' auto
mobile. Th’ automobile la used t'
negotiate ever' sort o' deviltry un
der th' sun. 'cepi probly poison pen
letter wrltln’ Nine tenths of our
crimes an' calamities are made pos
sible by th' automobile. It haa un
leashed all th' pent up criminal
tendencies o' th’ agea. It’s th' cen
tral figure in murders, holdups,
burglaries, accidents, eio|iements.
failures an' sbscnndments It re
tards th’ realization o' th' prohibt
tlon amendment, an' It has well
nigh Jimmied th' American home.
No crime story is complete without
she or he or they tore out in a
high powered car. no robbery has
th' true ring unless th' bandits
Jumped in a waitin' csr an' mails
good ther escape. No girl la mlssln'
that wuin' last seen steppln’ in a
strange automobile. It didn’ used
f be so blamed easy t‘ rob a bank,
or murder snmebuddy. an' git away
In a buggy, or on a hand car. In
th‘ ole dot's criminals occasionally
grabbl'd a passin' freight train, an'
sometimes they had t' hide in
swamps an' thickets fer week*.
High brow defaulter* list'd t' have
r cover ther tracks till they could
climb In a Pullman an' start fer
Mexico, but they nearly alius got
caught. Hut t'day most any kind
of a criminal ia a couple o' hundred
miles t' th' good before a sheriff
kin find his hat. an' a daughter kin
elope an' be married an' settled in
Erie, Pennsylvania, before her par
ents miss her. Ever’ day marks
some nsw an’ disgraceful automo
bile escapade, some awful automo
bile calamity, or some sensational
escape in an automobile. An' ever'
minute in th' day somebuddy is
stealin’ an automobile. An' ther
haln't a day rolls by that some
buddy hain't soilin' ther sewin’ nut
chine, or ther home, or somethin'
on acoourft of an automobile. An'
it's too had that anything as grand
an' comfortable and useful as th'
automobile must be constantly mix
ed up In shady transactions o' ever'
sort, fer it must be admitted that
it's th' leadin’ figure in all th’
mischief that's goin' on. Maybe th
jails an' workhouses are empty, hut
that's not because th’ world is
gtttln' better. IPs because all th'
criminals escape tn automobiles
(Copyright. i»iS.)
Mars Nearer Earth in
1924 Than Any Time
During This Century
By PKOF. W. IL PICKERING.
Mandeville, Jamaica, Oct 6—At
midnight (London time) on August
SI, 1S24, the planet Mars will be
nearer the earth than has been the
case for over 12* years, and nearer
than it will be again during the
present century.
It will appear brighter than Jup
iter, and during the whole of the
months of August and September
will hang like a great red lantern is
our southern skies.
Regarding possible communication
with Mars little ran be said.
Two expert observers have, how
ever, in different years, independ
ently seen what appeared to be mi
nute bright flashes coming from
the planet
One of these observers was so
explicit as to say that they came
from the region of the Mare Aci
dalium. and that he saw three n
rapid succession early in the eve
ning and then, later, three more.
He has seen none since.
(The M are AcJdal.uro is one of
those dark patches on the surface
of the planet which, following the
same reasoning as that adopted in
the case of the me n. the 14th cen
tury astronomers thought to be
seas. Hence the name Their pre
cise nature is still unknown.)
Both observers agreed, however
that what they saw were probably
simply optical illusions, due to fa
tigue of the eye and could not jv'*
sibly have been real.
We have satisfactory evidence ot
intelligent life on the planet.
As to the "canals,” they certa.n
ly are not water channels, nor veg
etation growing along w.tter chan
nels
Wh»» the xanais Are.
They ire e.ther Kind* of m> ,st
ened soil or vegetation growing on
moistened soil They cannot be any
thing else, for we know of no solid
in the mineral world that darkens
and then fades out again in the
sunlight.
Nor is it likely that they are
strings cf animals. If there are
nocturnal shi'wera on Mars these
as they traveled along would leave
narrow hands of moistened surface
along which vegetation could spring
up.
If we assume Martians on th*
other hand, with intelligence at
least as gnat as that of ants, *hey
might, for some reason chooae te
plant the.: vegrtet n r. 1 r.g hard*.
