THINGS TD LIKE TO KNOW HOW TO DO!
- ’ By o. o. McIntyre-—-—
AUC aujii Xiuvot auuvivmviu sat
the world. It seems to me, is to be
able to unfold the little collapsible
; seat In a taxicab without breaking
a finger-nail or into a sweat.
I never saw the man who was
able to do it. Even if you get the
hang of one. there is not much
to brag about, for each one has
its own combination. And try to
work it!
If I should ever be appointed to
the dictatorship of the world. I'd
make my first assistant the man
vftio could operate a folding taxi
seat.
Early Ambitions.
That kind of a fellow would be
a help if I had an uprising or any
thing. My earliest ambition in life
was to know how to remove dan
druff from a horse with a curry
comb.
The first time I tried it the
horse shifted positions and so did
two of my toe-nails. That proved
discouraging. Toe-nails may not be
valuable but there is no sense wast
ing them.
Even now I still purr to the idea
of currying a horse. I wonder why
it Is we go through life not learn
ing how to do the things we really
like to do. Certainly there is no
harm in learning how to curry a
horse.
Tet so great are my inhibitions
I believe I'd feel silly going into
a Avery stadle. if there are any,
and saying to the head keeper:
“Mister, have you an extra horse
to curry?”
New Attitude Record.
I used to know a fellow who
drove nitroglycerine over a rough
mountain trail. He was a sort of
hero of mine. Every step of the
way he flirted with death. There
was a day when a wheel of his
wagon came off and he established
a new altitude record.
Despite this, I always thought I'd
like to drive a nitroglycerin wagon.
During many insommniacai nights
I have pictured myself driving
over a rough highway with two
dabble graps in front and six
milk cans of nitroglycerin in the
back. That seems to me the top
of the world in genuine hair-rais
ing adventure. Still, -there are so
many things to do and so little
“He wax sort of a hero of mine.”
time to do them I have never really
gone out of the way to find a first
class nitroglycerin wagon to drive.
You, of course, know those fel
lows that sweep gracefully through
the air from bounding rubber mats
—single, double and even triple
somersaults.
There used to be a pair at the
Hippodrome. It all seemed so easy
and so full of excitement and fun.
I have talked to at least a dozen
men—one a staid old banker—and
all confessed they would like to be
rather expert on the bounding mat.
To my way of thinking there Is
just as much exercise in it as golf
or horseback riding, yet not one of
us would take it up.
Your Morning Bounding.
Imagine a friend calling at your
house some morning and the butler
explaining you are not to be seen
Just now—you are doing your morn
ing bounding. Of course, one might
miss the mat but I have never met
anyone who has. Mat bounders ap
pear to get along ail right.
Of all labor done with the hands,
shoe repairing to me is the most
fascinating. I can stand for an
hour before a cobbler's window
watcmng mm drive pegs, snip leath
er and hammer away at a pair of
■hoes. There is something comfort
able looking about a cobbler's seat.
There is a delightful disorder about
his bench—with Its myriad little
gimcracks of different sorts.
There are evenings that I sit in
hopeless boredom at a theater or
at some lagging party when I could
be pegging away at a pair of old
shoes. A cobbler’s outfit woul^l not
break anyone and in a year we
prohably give away the cost of one
to those Impertinent young men
who brush ofT Imaginary bits of
fluff from our coats in washrooms.
Yet if any of us would buy a cob
ler’s outfit and our friends would
find it out—well they'd begin talk
ing behind our backs and re
call other Instances when we acted
rather strangely.
And is there anything more in
triguing than digging a splinter
from under the finger nail? It
seems to me there should be some
way when a man becomes com
pletely suffocated with ennui that
he could go out some place and get
a splinter under his nail. He could
completely forget himself for many
moments. Nothing in the world can
so inspire concentration.
Some of these days I'm going to
give a splinter party. I believe all
the guests would enjoy it more
than the average social gathering.
Ah, the Trap Drummer.
Then there's trap drumming.
Breathes there a man who hasn't a
secret yearning throb to beat a
drum—especially is this true in the
era of Jazz. It is certainly a harm
less sort of amusement. It may b«
childish, but we all have our Ju
venile streak.
I'd love to be a good trap drum
mer. Yet. I don't know how to start
at my age of life. In fact. I've often
wondered where a man goes to •
learn the art of drumming. Are
there snare and bass drum profes
sors? If there are. I have never
been able to find them.
I know a celebrated cartoonist
who strikes me as having the right
idea about trap drumming. I see*
no reason for hiding his name. He
is Fontaine Fox. He doesn't care
much to dance and if he is at a
gathering where there is dancing h#
makes friends with the trap drum
mer, and before you know it, the
drummer is out enjoying himself
on the front porch with cigaret,
while Mr. Fox takes his place.
He has become a skilled drummer
—can slap the skillet and jangle
the cowbell without missing a beat.
Another romantic post I'd like to
fill is motonnan on a subway ex
press train. Far up front in his lit-,
tie old clothes, he burrows his way
through the mighty blackness by
merely turning a handle.
Station after station flashes by.
He can chew tobacco and have time
for mature reflection. The subway
motorman ought to be a good phil
osopher. One hour he may be on
the outer riin of Brooklyn and the
next scurrying under the Bronx.
He is always on the rush—yet he
can be cool, calculating -and com
fortable.
Now all of these things I’d like
to do may sound silly, and perhaps
are, but I believe most of us are
too hidebound by the usual conven
tions.
His Heart’s Desire.
I hearken to the courage of a
millionaire I know. (He’s about the
only one* I know, too.t He has
motor cars, private golf courses,
riding horses, polo ponies and what
not. J4e has been all over the
world and has lived a full life.
Since he was a boy he always
wanted to play a mouth organ. He
was too poor at the time to buy
one and Jater in life too busy piling
up a fortune to take up the instru
ment. But still the old desire was
there and six years ago he began
to practice. He can now play all
the Jazz stratagems of the day
along with a few arias by the old
masters.
Nearly every evening he plays for
a half hour or so. He Is not
ashamed of his newly acquired art.
In fact it seems to be the one thing
of which he is rather l>oastful.
That is good Sense and sound rea
soning. Too many of us skip
through life neglecting th ngs we
really want to do. After I finish
this I am tempted to go over in
town and buy a top. I've had the
urge to spin one lately.
Copyrisht. 1923.
ABE MARTIN On Girls and Triflers
“In ever' community ther's cou
ples that have been goin’ t’gether
fer years." declares Miss Fawn
Lippincut. Then she goes on t’
say, “Ther’s th' feller that either
haln't gut th' money or th' moral
courage t’ git married, but he likes
t’ have a girl t’ talk to, a girl t’
take places when he gits passes t’
somethin’, or an Invitation t’ some
thin' where he's supposed t’ bring
a girl. He don't care particularly
about any girl, but he likes t* have
one Jest fer appearances, like an
umbreller, or a dress suit, or a
cigarette holder, or somethin'. He
regards a girl as part o' his equip
ment. It haln't so bad fer a feller
t’ keep comtieny with th' same girl
a few times on approval, but he
ought t' show some signs as t' what
is In his mind before he scares all
th' other fellers away. Ther's so
many poor. ole. thin girls that have
been kidded along fer years an'
then dropped that somethin' should
be done about It. Many a tired
out. shop worn girl, would be grab
bed up In a minute it th’ outside
world dhln' think she wus engaged,
when an It Is she's only monopo
lised. Oirls make a big, glarin'
mistake by gluin' so tight F a fel
ler before they git his ring, when
they might be gittin’ up a little
competition by cast in’ around a lit
tle. Few fellers’ll propose t’ a girl
if they think nobuddy else wants
her. Then, too, a lot o’ simple glria
let a feller know they love him. Of
all th’ wretched mistakes, either
before or after marriage, that's th’
most gigantic. Fer a couple t’ give
up an' marry after ther sick o' one
another is another pop’lar route out
of a deplorable mess. Statistics
show, or you kin Jest look around
your own neighborhood, that short,
snappy .engagements turn out Jest
as well as long, fretful, tortuous
engagements filled with quarrels,
an’ mlsunderstandln's, poutln’s an
expense, fer no couple Is really ont’
one another any better after
sparkin’ five or six yearn then they
are after spoonin’ five or six hours.
A husband has got t' own you be
A gMnt submarine, with a dis
placement of 2,600 tons, was recent
ly launched at Chatham, Kngland.
This displacement Is greater by
more than 1.000 tons than of any
American or German submarine
now afloat. The “mystery ship"
will mount a 12-inch gun.
fore hia real nature crops out, an'
a bride has got t' need some new
clothea before she's anything like
herself. But girls, don't let some
trlfler corner you, an’ take up your
time, an’ exploit you 'mongst hia
acquaintances, till some nifftler
lookin', better painted damsel drops
along. Kvor' girl should havo three
or four likely fellers an' not throw
her homo open t’ any particular
beau, or spend her golden hours in
any particular car, until she finds
Jest who she wants an' has his ring
snugly on her finger. Kven ole,
shop worn girls, should pretend t*
have other engagements occasion
ally, an' not be available t’ ever'
trlfler that happens t’ need a girl
t' take somewhere. It's an awful
task fer a girl t' keep herself pre
sentable fer years, especially In
these days o' paintin' an' expensive
hose an' foot wear. It’s aging an’
wrinklin' not t‘ know what mo
ment she's liable t’ be culled up t*
go some place t’ fill In, t’ not know
whether some sleepy hunk Is sav
in' hia money t* propose, or what's
goin’ on In hi* mind. Oirla, first
git hi* ring, an’ then throw your
parlor* open an' shower your af
fections!”
Notes of General Interest
Good parchment paper will resist
repeated boilings in water.
Wrought Iron melts at 3980 de
grees Fahrenheit, and cast iron at
3497 degrees.
Insectology is the science of in
sects. particularly in their economic
relation to man.
Graphite, from tvhich lead pencils
are made, was first discovered in
Siberia in 1843.
Aluminum is the most abundant
of all metals, constituting nearly
8 per cent, of the earth's crust.
To win the highest rating of the
United Slates bureau of standards,
a watch must undergo 11 tests.
Industry in the United States
save approximately 3500,000.000 an
nually through scientific research
work.
An oxy aretelene torch, that will
melt through steels like a hot wire
through butter, cannot cut through
wood.
A new shopping bag has been de
signed which, when empty, can he
folded to the size of an ordinary
handbag
There are 20,000 professional
chemists In the United States, of
which number no fewer than 1000
are women.
One American automobile plant
operates 85 steam hammers and 57
forging and upsetting machines In
its forge shop.
An electric lamp has bean de
signed with two sets of A laments,
one being used to replace tho other
when burned out.
Straw is now being utilized by a
large American automobile manu
facturing plant for the production
of steering wheels.
Machinery used tn a transatlantic
steamship produces electric power
and light sufficient for a town of
70,000 Inhabitants.
Experiments have been made In
Madagascar with a spider's welt as
a substitute for silk. The result is
said to be successful.
A washboard lias been patented
with a reservoir on top for a sttap
solution, some of whlrh la ejected
when a button Is pushed.
Air brakes control each of the
eight wheels ef s new motor truck
for carrying loads long distances at
high speed
French engineers have designed
an airplane wing that can be given
an increased supporting surface in
flight to make landing safer.
An automatic locking device has
been Invented for street manholn
cover* to prevent accidents, due to
their being displaced by vehicles.
A machine ha* been invented for
fastening wire around shipping
cases, first tightening It. then twist
ing it, and finally cutting off the
ends.
■ A circular saw. made of a disc of
paper, has been invented which,
driven at high speed, cute through
a plank of wood as easily as a steel
blade.
A vegetable liber, known as eolo
dnnia. Is being successfully mixed
with wool in textiles and used alone
as a substitute for linen in tier
many.
A machine which automatically
reclaims books exposed to conta
gious disease germs by fumigating
each page in turn haa been in
vented.
\ _
Burglar alarms, which not only
give loud warning of the intruder,
but alao take a snapshot photo
graph of him. are being tested in
Faria, France.
A German inventor has produced
a one-man glider, resembling in
sonto ways a parachute, which
weighs only 3ft pound* and ran
be folded Up and easily carried.
To relieve the material of Inju
rious strain, stockings for women
have been Invented with n row of
buttonhole^ around the top edges
to which to attach the garters.
A substitute for petroleum, pro
ducod from fish and vegetable oil.
has been patented in Japan. The
Inventor claims that the new oil
can be used for heating and illu
minating purposes.
Combustion or burning will take
place under certain conditions In
an atmosphere of chlorine, creating
chlorides Instead of oxide*, as would
l>e the rase If an . article were
burned in the air.
Invention of a rapid firing auto
matic cannon capable of firing 20
ounce shell* at the rate of 120 a
minute, has been perfected by John
M. Browning of Ogden, Utah, noted
Invent/— /1-«V»