Literary Bureau Reads Novels to Order for Busy Millionaires
-By STEPHEN LEACOCK.
We lately have been etruck,—of
rourse not dangerously,—by a new
Idea. A recent number of a well
known magazine contains an account
o( an American multliVillUonalre who,
on account of the pressure of his brain
power and the rush of hla business,
lound It impossible to read the fiction
of the day for himself. He therefore
caused his secretaries to look through
nny new and likely novel and make
a rapid report" on Us contents, indi
cating for his personal perusal the
specially interesting ,parts.
Realizing the possibilities coiled up
In this plan, we have opened a special
agency or bureau' for doing work of
this sort. Any overbusy multimillion
aire, or superman, who becomes our
client may send us novels, essays, or
books of any kind, and will receive a
icport explaining the plot and point
tnt out such parts as he may with
propriety repd. If he cgn once find
. time to send us a postcard, or a postal
cablegram, night "or day, we under
take to assume all the further effort
of rending.
Our term$ for ordinary fiction are
$1 per chapter; for works of travel,
10 cents per mile;, and for political or
other essays, 2 cents per page, or $10
per iden, and for theological and con
troversial work, $7.50 per cubi^ yard
extracted. Our clients are assured of
prompt and immediate attention.
We are enabled to insert here a
sample of our work. It was done to
the order of a gentleman of means
engaged in silver mining in Colorado,
who wrote us that he was anxious to
get "a holt” on modern fiction, but
that he had no time actually to read
it. On our assuring him that this
wav now unnecessary, he caused to be
sent to us monthly parts of a serial
story, on which we duly reported as
follows:
January installment.
Theodolite Gulch, the Dip, Canon
County, Colorado.—Dear Sir: We beg
to Inform you that the scene of the
opening chapter of the "Fortunes of
Barbara Plynlimmon" la laid in
Wales. The ecehe ia laid, however,
very carelessly and hurriedly and we
expect that it will shortly be re
moved. We cannot, therefore, recom
mend it to your perusal. As there is
a very tine 'passage describing the
Cambrian Hills by moonlight, we en
close herewith a condensed table
allowing the mean altitude of the
moon for the month of December in
ihe latitude of Wales. The character
of Miss Plynlimmon we find to be de
veloped In conversation with her
grandmother, which we think you had
better not read. Nor are we prepared
to endorse your reading the speeches
of the Welsh peasantry which we find
in this chapter, but we forward here
with in place of them a short glossary
of Welsh synonyms which may aid
you in this connection.
February Installment.
Dear Sir: We regret to state that we
find nothing in the second chapter of
the "Fortunes of Barbara Plynlim
mon” which need'be reported to you
at length. We think it well, how
ever, to apprise you or the arrival
of a young Oxford student in the
neighborhood of Miss Plynlimmon’s
cottage who is apparently a young
man of means and refinement. We
enclose a list of the principal Oxford
colleges.
We may state that from the conver
sation and manner of this young
gentleman there Is no ground for any
apprehensive on your part. But if
need arises we will report by cable
to you Instantly. '
The young gentleman In question
meets Miss Plynlimmon at sunrise on
the slopes of Snowdon. As the deBcip
tion of the meeting is very fine
send you a recent photograph of the
sun.
March Installment.
Dear Sir:
Wur surmise was right. The scene
of the story that we are disgesting
for you is changed. Miss Plynlimmon
lias gone to London. You will be
gratified to learn that she has fallen
heir to a fortune of 100,000 pounds,
which we ara happly to compute for
you at 1486,666 and 66 cents less ex
change. On Miss Plynlimmon's ar
rival at Charing Cross station, she
is overwhelmed with that strange feel
ing of isolation felt In the surging
crowds of a modern city. We there
fore enclose a time table showing the
arrival and departure of all trains
at Charing Cross.
April Installment.
Dear Sir: We beg to brinjg to your
notice the fact that Miss Barbara
Plynlimmon has by an arrangement
made through her trustees become an
inmate, on a pecuniary footing, In the
household of a family of title. We are
happy to Inform you that her first
appearance at dinner In evening dress
was most gratifying; we cap safely
recommend you to read In this con
nection lines four and five and the
first half of line six on page 100 of
the book as enclosed. We regret to
say that the Marquis of Slush and
his eldest son, Viscount Fitz-buae
(courtesy title) are both addicted to
drink. They have been drinking
throughout the chapter. Wre are pleas
ed to state that apparently the second
son. Lord Radnor of Slush, who is
away from home, Is not so addicted.
We send you under separate cover a
bottle of Radnor water.
May Installment.
Dear Sir: We regret to state that
the affairs of Miss Barbara Plynlim
mon are In a very unsatisfactory po
sition. We enclose three pages of the
novel with urgent request that you
will read them at once. The old Mar
quis of Slush has made approaches
inwards Miss Plynlimmon of such
SIIVERTIHKMENT.
Dispels Fevers,
Eliminates Colds,
Cures Constipation
lied Cross Liver Pills, a treatment
(hat removes the cause and restores
the patient to health; aids1 In prevent
ing sickness by keeping the bowels
active, the blood cool and lowering
arterial tension.
Excellent for liver, stomach, bowel
troubles, gall stopes, appendicitis,
biliousness, dropsy, Indigestion, dy
spepsia, constipation.
Their mild but wonderful laxative
action cleanses the blood by natural
means, overcoming the various all
mSnts of the digestive system.
Red Cross Liver Pills are put up in
watch-shaped, screw top bottles. Bold
In Omaha by Kherman McConnell and
othsd druggists for 25 cents.
m r
a scandalous nature that we think it
best to ask you to read them in full.
You will note also that young Vis
count Slush, who is tipsy through
whole of pages 121-125, 128 133, and
part of page 140, has designs upon
her fortune. We are sorry to sec also
that the Marchioness of Buse under
the guise of friendship has insured
Miss Plynlimmon's life and means to
do away with her. The sister of the
marchioness, the lady dowager, also
wishes to do aw*ay with her. The sec
ond housemaid, who is tempted by
her Jewelry, is also planning to do
own. Meantime, we are sorry to say,
lie proposes to work.
August Installment.
The Viscount is seeking employ
ment. "
September Installment.
The Viscount Is looking for work.
October Installment.
The Viscount is hunting for a job.
November Installment.
We nre most happy to inform you
that Mias Plynlimmon has saved the
situation. Determined to be worthy
of the generous love of Viscount Rad
With one blow he felled Fitz-bime to the floor; with another he clasped the
girl to hilt heart.
away with her. We feel that is thistf
goes on she will be done away with.
June Installment.
' Dear Sir: We beg to advise you that
Viscount Kitz buse, inflamed by the
beauty and innocence of Miss Plyn
limnton, has gone so war as to lay
his finger on her (read page 170, lines
6-7). She resisted his approaches. At
the height of the struggle a young
man, attired in the costume of a
Welsh tourist, but wearing the stnmp
of an Oxford student, and yet carry
ing himself with the unmistakable
hauteur (we knew it at once) of an
aristocrat, burst, or bust, into the
room. With one blow he felled Fitz
buse to the floor; with another he
clasped the girl to his heart.. <
"Barbara"’ he exclaimed. '
"Radnor,” she murmured.
You will be pleased to learn that
this is the second son of the Marquis,
Viscount Radnor, just returned from
a reading tour in Wales.
P. P. We do not know what he
read, so we enclose a file of Welsh
newspapers to date.
July Installment.
)
We regret to inform you that the
Marquis of Slush has disinherited his
son. We grieve to state that Vis
count Radnor has sworn that he will
never ask for Miss Plynlimmon’s hand
till he has a fortune equal to her
ADVERTISEMENT.
Alkali in Soap
Bad for the Hair
Soap shou/d be used very carefully,
if you want to keep your'hair looking
its best. Maffiy soaps and prepared
shampoos contain too much free
alkali. This dries the scalp, makes
the hair brittle, and ruins it.
The best thing for steady use is
Mulsifled cocoanut oil shampoo (which
is pure and greaseless*, and is better
than anything else you can use.
Two or three teaspoonfuls of Muldl
fled in a cup or glass with a little
w arm water is sufficient to cleanse the
hair and scalp thoroughly. Simply
moisten the hair with water and rub
the MulBifled in. It makes an abund
ance of rich, creamy lather, which
rinses out easily, removing every
particle of dust, dirt, dandruff and
ex- is oil. The hair dries quickly
an., evenly, and It leaves the scalp
soft, and the hair fine and silky,
bright, lustrous, fluffy and easy to
manage.
You can get Mulsifled cocoanut oil
shampoo at'any pharmacy, It ia very
cheap, and a few ounces will supply
every member of the family for
months. Re sure your druggist gives
you Mulsifled.
.“Hurt to Stand”
Mrs. Elsie Peek, of Inman, S. C.,
whose portrait is reproduced above, says
that she has found CARDUI, the Woman’s
Tonic, of great benefit on two occasions,
whrh she describes as follows:
“I was sick and weak and had a pain
in my side. I was so weak-looking until some
of my older neighbors asked me about my
trouble. 1 ‘told them how my side and back
hurt, and how it hurt me to stand. They told
me of Cardui and my husband got it for me.
"When my last baby came I evidently
took cold. I . . . suffered afterwards quite a
bit I did not feel like I -was getting my
strength, though I got up to do my work. . . .
I sent for Cardui and could see I was getting
the usual good result*. After about four bot
tles, I was up, feeling fine, doing my work.
"Cardui builds me right up, and I tell
my neighbors and friends about it. It is simply
fine for weak back and a run-down system/'
The medicine which Mrs. Peek took
is a perfectly harmless, vegetable extract of
mild-acting tonic medicinal herbs. Thous
ands of other women, who have taken
Cardui, have reported recovery of strength
and normal health by consistent use of tnijj
well-known remedy.
If you need Cardui, go to your drug
gist and get a bottle, today. It wifi help you.
CARDUI
Jor WomenS Ilia a. l.4.
_ __ ^
nor, she has arranged to convey her
entire fortune to the old family lawyer
who acts as her trustee. She will thus
become as poor as the viscount and
they ran marry. The scene with the
old lawyer, who breaks Into tears on
receiving the fortune, swegring to
hold and cherish it as his own. ts^ very
touching. Meantime, as the viscount
is hunting for a job, we enclose a list
of advertisements under the heading
"Help Wanted—Male."
December Installment.
You will be very gratified to learn
that the fortunes of Miss Barbara
Plynlimmon have come to a most
pleasing termination. Her marriage
with the Viscount Radnor was cele
brated very quietly on page 231. (We
enclose a list of the principal chuaches
In London.) No one was present ex
cept the old family lawyer, who was
moved W> tears at the sight of the
bright, trusting bride, and the clergy
man, who wept at the sight of the
check given him by the viscount.
After the ceremony the old trustee
took Lord and Lady Radnor to a small
wedding breakfast at a hotel (we en
close a list). During the breakfast
a suden faintness (for which we had
been watching for 10 pages) overcame
him . He sank back In his rhair,
gasping. Lord and I.ady Hadnor
rushed to him snd sought in vain to
tighten his necktt#. He expired under
their care, having Just time to Indi
cate In his pocket a will leaving them
his entire wealth.
This had hardly happened when a
messenger brought news to the vis
count that his brother. Lord Fltz
huse. had been killed In the hunting
field, and that he (meaning him. him
self) had now succeeded to the title.
Lord and Ixtdy Fitz-buse had hardly
time to reach the town house of the
family when they learned that owing
to the sudden death of the old mar- i
quis (also, we believe, in the hunting
field), they had become the marquis
and marchioness of Slush.
The marquis and the marchioness
of Slush are still living in their an- >
eestral home in London. Their lives ;
are an example to all their ten-1
antrj^ In Piccadilly, the Strand and
eta^where. *
Concluding Note.
Dear Mr. Gulch:
We beg to acknowledge with many
thanks your cheque for $1,000.
We regret to learn that you have
not been able to find time to read our
digest of the se^al story placed with
us at your ordej. But we note with
pleasure that you propose to have the ‘
Women Name
Delegates to
Rome Meeting
Discuss Possibility of Selecting
American to Succeed Mrs.
Carrie Chapman
Catt.
Dew Moines, la., April 21.—Pos
sibility of electing another American
woman to succeed Mrs. Carrie Chap
man Catt as president of tlie Inter- :
national Woman Suffrage alliance 1
has come In for much discussion here
following the recent convention ' of i
the National League of Women Vot
ers. Mrs. Catt, it was learned dur
ing the sessions here, plans to retire
from office in the international body
"essential points" of our digest
"boiled down" by one of the business
experts of your office.
Awaiting your commands.
< We remain, etc., etc.
(Copyright, 1923. Metropolitan Newspaper I
Service and Dodd, Mead St Uo. >
at the ninth annual congress to be
held in Home next month.
The American delegation to the
Rome congress, announced tonight.
Includes:
Mrs. Maud Wood Park, Mrs. Frank
J. Shuler, Dr. Katherine Davis and
Mrs. Frederick Nathan, New Tork:
Mrs. James G. Paige, a member of
the Minnesota legislature'- Mrs. Ann
Webster, chairman of the social
hygiene committee: Mrs. W. Y. Mor
gan, Hutchinson, Kan.: Miss Caroline
Roberts, Baltimore; Mrs. Craig Mil
ler, Marshall, Mich.; Mrs. James Mor
rison, Chicago; Mrs. Gifford Pinchot
and Mrs. John Jay O'Connor, Wash
ington, chairman of the committee
on child welfare.
The alternates ate: Miss Alice
Howell, University of Michigan; Mrs.
Julian Nathan, Paris; Mrs. Genevieve
Parkhurst, Mrs. Evle D. Prendergast.
New York; Mrs. John T. Murphy,
Santa Fe; Mrs. Henry Twitchell, Santa
Fe: Mrs. Gaiilard Stoney, Washing
ton; Mrs. Walter Peck, Providence,
R. I„ Mrs. Helen Lovell Million, Des
Moines; Miss Janet Richardson,
Washington; Mrs. Frank Griswold.
Radnor, Pa., and Mrs. Martha H.
Elliott, Boston.
Mrs. Park, Mrs. Paige and Mrs.
Pihchot have been named to a com
mittee that will visit various Eu
ropean countries for a study of wo
1 men's activities and report to Amer
i ican women * organizations.
Landlord* In France are liable fa
I fine* varying from 500 to 5,000 film‘ a
if they refuse to rent home* to famll
jfes with children, or If "they moke
] children a pretext for raising the
1 rent.
AIIVF.RTlsEMEJiT.
FRECKLES
\ow Is the Time to (jet Kid of These
I gly Spots.
There '» no longer the slightest need
of feeling ashamed of your freckles,
ias Othine—double strength—Is guar
anteed to remove these homely spot*.
I Simply get an* ounce of Othine—
double strength—from any druggist
and apply a little of it night and
morning and you ahould soon see that
even the worst freckles have begun/
to disappear, while the lighter one*
have vanished entirely. It is seldom
that more than an ounce is needed to
completely clear the skin and gain a
beautiful clear complexion.
Be sure to ask for the do ible
strength Othine as this is sold under
guarantee of money back if it fails wo
remove freckles.
For One-Half the Rent You Pay
Ask Your Lumberman
DO you realize that lumber has been
more staple and sold relatively at
' a lower price than any other commodity enter
ing into the construction of a home; also that
nation-wide the people are realizing this?
Omaha is a city of home owners. t|Nearly heads the list nationally
now; cities everywhere are extensively building homes, and Omaha
must continue its home building program in order to hold its own.
tjYour civic pride should make you answer the call to “OW N
YOUR OWN HOME.” {
If you are contemplating the building of a home, ice strongly
urge that you do not procrastinate, but get busy now.
#
* * % V
Don’t Fail to UT 9 C 9 11 . 199 T.d.y »d All This
See - I 1 T/^ O I r\l IdrPrCl Week at Orpheum
The Photoplay J V^UlldlVlul The.tr.
A Stirring Feature Picture With a Moral for All Good Citizens
Shown in Connection With the Orpheum Vaudeville Program
Omaha Lumbermen