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About The Omaha morning bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927 | View Entire Issue (April 22, 1923)
Literary Bureau Reads Novels to Order for Busy Millionaires -By STEPHEN LEACOCK. We lately have been etruck,—of rourse not dangerously,—by a new Idea. A recent number of a well known magazine contains an account o( an American multliVillUonalre who, on account of the pressure of his brain power and the rush of hla business, lound It impossible to read the fiction of the day for himself. He therefore caused his secretaries to look through nny new and likely novel and make a rapid report" on Us contents, indi cating for his personal perusal the specially interesting ,parts. Realizing the possibilities coiled up In this plan, we have opened a special agency or bureau' for doing work of this sort. Any overbusy multimillion aire, or superman, who becomes our client may send us novels, essays, or books of any kind, and will receive a icport explaining the plot and point tnt out such parts as he may with propriety repd. If he cgn once find . time to send us a postcard, or a postal cablegram, night "or day, we under take to assume all the further effort of rending. Our term$ for ordinary fiction are $1 per chapter; for works of travel, 10 cents per mile;, and for political or other essays, 2 cents per page, or $10 per iden, and for theological and con troversial work, $7.50 per cubi^ yard extracted. Our clients are assured of prompt and immediate attention. We are enabled to insert here a sample of our work. It was done to the order of a gentleman of means engaged in silver mining in Colorado, who wrote us that he was anxious to get "a holt” on modern fiction, but that he had no time actually to read it. On our assuring him that this wav now unnecessary, he caused to be sent to us monthly parts of a serial story, on which we duly reported as follows: January installment. Theodolite Gulch, the Dip, Canon County, Colorado.—Dear Sir: We beg to Inform you that the scene of the opening chapter of the "Fortunes of Barbara Plynlimmon" la laid in Wales. The ecehe ia laid, however, very carelessly and hurriedly and we expect that it will shortly be re moved. We cannot, therefore, recom mend it to your perusal. As there is a very tine 'passage describing the Cambrian Hills by moonlight, we en close herewith a condensed table allowing the mean altitude of the moon for the month of December in ihe latitude of Wales. The character of Miss Plynlimmon we find to be de veloped In conversation with her grandmother, which we think you had better not read. Nor are we prepared to endorse your reading the speeches of the Welsh peasantry which we find in this chapter, but we forward here with in place of them a short glossary of Welsh synonyms which may aid you in this connection. February Installment. Dear Sir: We regret to state that we find nothing in the second chapter of the "Fortunes of Barbara Plynlim mon” which need'be reported to you at length. We think it well, how ever, to apprise you or the arrival of a young Oxford student in the neighborhood of Miss Plynlimmon’s cottage who is apparently a young man of means and refinement. We enclose a list of the principal Oxford colleges. We may state that from the conver sation and manner of this young gentleman there Is no ground for any apprehensive on your part. But if need arises we will report by cable to you Instantly. ' The young gentleman In question meets Miss Plynlimmon at sunrise on the slopes of Snowdon. As the deBcip tion of the meeting is very fine send you a recent photograph of the sun. March Installment. Dear Sir: Wur surmise was right. The scene of the story that we are disgesting for you is changed. Miss Plynlimmon lias gone to London. You will be gratified to learn that she has fallen heir to a fortune of 100,000 pounds, which we ara happly to compute for you at 1486,666 and 66 cents less ex change. On Miss Plynlimmon's ar rival at Charing Cross station, she is overwhelmed with that strange feel ing of isolation felt In the surging crowds of a modern city. We there fore enclose a time table showing the arrival and departure of all trains at Charing Cross. April Installment. Dear Sir: We beg to brinjg to your notice the fact that Miss Barbara Plynlimmon has by an arrangement made through her trustees become an inmate, on a pecuniary footing, In the household of a family of title. We are happy to Inform you that her first appearance at dinner In evening dress was most gratifying; we cap safely recommend you to read In this con nection lines four and five and the first half of line six on page 100 of the book as enclosed. We regret to say that the Marquis of Slush and his eldest son, Viscount Fitz-buae (courtesy title) are both addicted to drink. They have been drinking throughout the chapter. Wre are pleas ed to state that apparently the second son. Lord Radnor of Slush, who is away from home, Is not so addicted. We send you under separate cover a bottle of Radnor water. May Installment. Dear Sir: We regret to state that the affairs of Miss Barbara Plynlim mon are In a very unsatisfactory po sition. We enclose three pages of the novel with urgent request that you will read them at once. The old Mar quis of Slush has made approaches inwards Miss Plynlimmon of such SIIVERTIHKMENT. Dispels Fevers, Eliminates Colds, Cures Constipation lied Cross Liver Pills, a treatment (hat removes the cause and restores the patient to health; aids1 In prevent ing sickness by keeping the bowels active, the blood cool and lowering arterial tension. Excellent for liver, stomach, bowel troubles, gall stopes, appendicitis, biliousness, dropsy, Indigestion, dy spepsia, constipation. Their mild but wonderful laxative action cleanses the blood by natural means, overcoming the various all mSnts of the digestive system. Red Cross Liver Pills are put up in watch-shaped, screw top bottles. Bold In Omaha by Kherman McConnell and othsd druggists for 25 cents. m r a scandalous nature that we think it best to ask you to read them in full. You will note also that young Vis count Slush, who is tipsy through whole of pages 121-125, 128 133, and part of page 140, has designs upon her fortune. We are sorry to sec also that the Marchioness of Buse under the guise of friendship has insured Miss Plynlimmon's life and means to do away with her. The sister of the marchioness, the lady dowager, also wishes to do aw*ay with her. The sec ond housemaid, who is tempted by her Jewelry, is also planning to do own. Meantime, we are sorry to say, lie proposes to work. August Installment. The Viscount is seeking employ ment. " September Installment. The Viscount Is looking for work. October Installment. The Viscount is hunting for a job. November Installment. We nre most happy to inform you that Mias Plynlimmon has saved the situation. Determined to be worthy of the generous love of Viscount Rad With one blow he felled Fitz-bime to the floor; with another he clasped the girl to hilt heart. away with her. We feel that is thistf goes on she will be done away with. June Installment. ' Dear Sir: We beg to advise you that Viscount Kitz buse, inflamed by the beauty and innocence of Miss Plyn limnton, has gone so war as to lay his finger on her (read page 170, lines 6-7). She resisted his approaches. At the height of the struggle a young man, attired in the costume of a Welsh tourist, but wearing the stnmp of an Oxford student, and yet carry ing himself with the unmistakable hauteur (we knew it at once) of an aristocrat, burst, or bust, into the room. With one blow he felled Fitz buse to the floor; with another he clasped the girl to his heart.. < "Barbara"’ he exclaimed. ' "Radnor,” she murmured. You will be pleased to learn that this is the second son of the Marquis, Viscount Radnor, just returned from a reading tour in Wales. P. P. We do not know what he read, so we enclose a file of Welsh newspapers to date. July Installment. ) We regret to inform you that the Marquis of Slush has disinherited his son. We grieve to state that Vis count Radnor has sworn that he will never ask for Miss Plynlimmon’s hand till he has a fortune equal to her ADVERTISEMENT. Alkali in Soap Bad for the Hair Soap shou/d be used very carefully, if you want to keep your'hair looking its best. Maffiy soaps and prepared shampoos contain too much free alkali. This dries the scalp, makes the hair brittle, and ruins it. The best thing for steady use is Mulsifled cocoanut oil shampoo (which is pure and greaseless*, and is better than anything else you can use. Two or three teaspoonfuls of Muldl fled in a cup or glass with a little w arm water is sufficient to cleanse the hair and scalp thoroughly. Simply moisten the hair with water and rub the MulBifled in. It makes an abund ance of rich, creamy lather, which rinses out easily, removing every particle of dust, dirt, dandruff and ex- is oil. The hair dries quickly an., evenly, and It leaves the scalp soft, and the hair fine and silky, bright, lustrous, fluffy and easy to manage. You can get Mulsifled cocoanut oil shampoo at'any pharmacy, It ia very cheap, and a few ounces will supply every member of the family for months. Re sure your druggist gives you Mulsifled. .“Hurt to Stand” Mrs. Elsie Peek, of Inman, S. C., whose portrait is reproduced above, says that she has found CARDUI, the Woman’s Tonic, of great benefit on two occasions, whrh she describes as follows: “I was sick and weak and had a pain in my side. I was so weak-looking until some of my older neighbors asked me about my trouble. 1 ‘told them how my side and back hurt, and how it hurt me to stand. They told me of Cardui and my husband got it for me. "When my last baby came I evidently took cold. I . . . suffered afterwards quite a bit I did not feel like I -was getting my strength, though I got up to do my work. . . . I sent for Cardui and could see I was getting the usual good result*. After about four bot tles, I was up, feeling fine, doing my work. "Cardui builds me right up, and I tell my neighbors and friends about it. It is simply fine for weak back and a run-down system/' The medicine which Mrs. Peek took is a perfectly harmless, vegetable extract of mild-acting tonic medicinal herbs. Thous ands of other women, who have taken Cardui, have reported recovery of strength and normal health by consistent use of tnijj well-known remedy. If you need Cardui, go to your drug gist and get a bottle, today. It wifi help you. CARDUI Jor WomenS Ilia a. l.4. _ __ ^ nor, she has arranged to convey her entire fortune to the old family lawyer who acts as her trustee. She will thus become as poor as the viscount and they ran marry. The scene with the old lawyer, who breaks Into tears on receiving the fortune, swegring to hold and cherish it as his own. ts^ very touching. Meantime, as the viscount is hunting for a job, we enclose a list of advertisements under the heading "Help Wanted—Male." December Installment. You will be very gratified to learn that the fortunes of Miss Barbara Plynlimmon have come to a most pleasing termination. Her marriage with the Viscount Radnor was cele brated very quietly on page 231. (We enclose a list of the principal chuaches In London.) No one was present ex cept the old family lawyer, who was moved W> tears at the sight of the bright, trusting bride, and the clergy man, who wept at the sight of the check given him by the viscount. After the ceremony the old trustee took Lord and Lady Radnor to a small wedding breakfast at a hotel (we en close a list). During the breakfast a suden faintness (for which we had been watching for 10 pages) overcame him . He sank back In his rhair, gasping. Lord and I.ady Hadnor rushed to him snd sought in vain to tighten his necktt#. He expired under their care, having Just time to Indi cate In his pocket a will leaving them his entire wealth. This had hardly happened when a messenger brought news to the vis count that his brother. Lord Fltz huse. had been killed In the hunting field, and that he (meaning him. him self) had now succeeded to the title. Lord and Ixtdy Fitz-buse had hardly time to reach the town house of the family when they learned that owing to the sudden death of the old mar- i quis (also, we believe, in the hunting field), they had become the marquis and marchioness of Slush. The marquis and the marchioness of Slush are still living in their an- > eestral home in London. Their lives ; are an example to all their ten-1 antrj^ In Piccadilly, the Strand and eta^where. * Concluding Note. Dear Mr. Gulch: We beg to acknowledge with many thanks your cheque for $1,000. We regret to learn that you have not been able to find time to read our digest of the se^al story placed with us at your ordej. But we note with pleasure that you propose to have the ‘ Women Name Delegates to Rome Meeting Discuss Possibility of Selecting American to Succeed Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt. Dew Moines, la., April 21.—Pos sibility of electing another American woman to succeed Mrs. Carrie Chap man Catt as president of tlie Inter- : national Woman Suffrage alliance 1 has come In for much discussion here following the recent convention ' of i the National League of Women Vot ers. Mrs. Catt, it was learned dur ing the sessions here, plans to retire from office in the international body "essential points" of our digest "boiled down" by one of the business experts of your office. Awaiting your commands. < We remain, etc., etc. (Copyright, 1923. Metropolitan Newspaper I Service and Dodd, Mead St Uo. > at the ninth annual congress to be held in Home next month. The American delegation to the Rome congress, announced tonight. Includes: Mrs. Maud Wood Park, Mrs. Frank J. Shuler, Dr. Katherine Davis and Mrs. Frederick Nathan, New Tork: Mrs. James G. Paige, a member of the Minnesota legislature'- Mrs. Ann Webster, chairman of the social hygiene committee: Mrs. W. Y. Mor gan, Hutchinson, Kan.: Miss Caroline Roberts, Baltimore; Mrs. Craig Mil ler, Marshall, Mich.; Mrs. James Mor rison, Chicago; Mrs. Gifford Pinchot and Mrs. John Jay O'Connor, Wash ington, chairman of the committee on child welfare. The alternates ate: Miss Alice Howell, University of Michigan; Mrs. Julian Nathan, Paris; Mrs. Genevieve Parkhurst, Mrs. Evle D. Prendergast. New York; Mrs. John T. Murphy, Santa Fe; Mrs. Henry Twitchell, Santa Fe: Mrs. Gaiilard Stoney, Washing ton; Mrs. Walter Peck, Providence, R. I„ Mrs. Helen Lovell Million, Des Moines; Miss Janet Richardson, Washington; Mrs. Frank Griswold. Radnor, Pa., and Mrs. Martha H. Elliott, Boston. Mrs. Park, Mrs. Paige and Mrs. Pihchot have been named to a com mittee that will visit various Eu ropean countries for a study of wo 1 men's activities and report to Amer i ican women * organizations. Landlord* In France are liable fa I fine* varying from 500 to 5,000 film‘ a if they refuse to rent home* to famll jfes with children, or If "they moke ] children a pretext for raising the 1 rent. AIIVF.RTlsEMEJiT. FRECKLES \ow Is the Time to (jet Kid of These I gly Spots. There '» no longer the slightest need of feeling ashamed of your freckles, ias Othine—double strength—Is guar anteed to remove these homely spot*. I Simply get an* ounce of Othine— double strength—from any druggist and apply a little of it night and morning and you ahould soon see that even the worst freckles have begun/ to disappear, while the lighter one* have vanished entirely. It is seldom that more than an ounce is needed to completely clear the skin and gain a beautiful clear complexion. Be sure to ask for the do ible strength Othine as this is sold under guarantee of money back if it fails wo remove freckles. For One-Half the Rent You Pay Ask Your Lumberman DO you realize that lumber has been more staple and sold relatively at ' a lower price than any other commodity enter ing into the construction of a home; also that nation-wide the people are realizing this? Omaha is a city of home owners. t|Nearly heads the list nationally now; cities everywhere are extensively building homes, and Omaha must continue its home building program in order to hold its own. tjYour civic pride should make you answer the call to “OW N YOUR OWN HOME.” { If you are contemplating the building of a home, ice strongly urge that you do not procrastinate, but get busy now. # * * % V Don’t Fail to UT 9 C 9 11 . 199 T.d.y »d All This See - I 1 T/^ O I r\l IdrPrCl Week at Orpheum The Photoplay J V^UlldlVlul The.tr. A Stirring Feature Picture With a Moral for All Good Citizens Shown in Connection With the Orpheum Vaudeville Program Omaha Lumbermen
