Hints to Travelers
How to Conduct Yourself in a Pullman and Make Yourself Solid
-By STEPHEN LEACOCK.
CUE) following hints and observa
tions have occurred to me dur
ing a recent trip across the con
tinent: they are written in no spirit
of complaint against existing rail
road methods, but merely in the hope
that they may prove useful to those
who travel, like myself, in a spirit of
meek, ohservant ignorance.
1. Sleeping In a Pullman car pre
sents some difficulties to the novice,
i 'are should he taken to allay all
s»nse of danger. The frequent whist
ling of the engine during the night
Is apt to he a source of alarm. Find
out. therefore, before traveling, the
meaning of the various whistles. On"
means ‘‘station," two, "railroad cross
ing." and so on. Five whistles, short
and rapid, mean sudden danger.
When you hear whistles in the
night. sit up smartly in your hunk
and count them. Should they reach
five, draw on your trousers over your
pyjamas and leave the train instant
ly. As a. further precaution against
accident, sleep with the feet towards
the engine if you prefer to have the
feet crushed, nr with the head to
wards the engine, if you think it best
to have the head crushed. In making
this decision try to be ns unselfish as
possible. Tf indifferent, sleep cross
wise with the head hanging over
into the aisle.
2. T have devoted some thought to
the pronev method of changing
trains. The system which I have ob
served to he the most popular with
travelers of my own class. Is some
— thing as follows: Suppose that you
^ have been told on leaving New York
that you are to change at Kansas
<7ity. The evening before approach
ing Kansas City, stop the conductor
in the aisle of the car (you can do
this best by putting out your foot!
and tripping him), and say politely.
"Do I change at Kansas City'.’" He
says "Yes." Very good.,Don’t believe
' him.
On going Into the dining car for
supper, take a negro aside and put it
to him as a pergonal matter between
a white man and a black, whether
he thinks you ought to change at
Kansas City. Don’t Vie satisfied with
this. In the course of the. evening
pass through the entire train from
time to time, and say to people
casually. "Oh. can you tell me if I
change at Kansas City?" Ask the
conductor about it a few more times
in the evening, a repetition of the
nuesfion will ensure pleasant rela
tions with him.
Rrfore falling asleep watch for Iris
passage and ask him through the
curtains of your berth, "oh, by the
way, did you say I changed at Kan
sas City?" Tf he refuses to stop,
hook him hy the neck with your
walking-stick, and draw him gently to
jour bedside. In the morning when
the train stops and a man call*
‘ Kansas City! All change:’’ approach
the conductor again and sa>’, "Is tills
Kansas City?” Don’t he discouraged
at his answer. Pick jourself up anil
go to the other end of the car and
say to the brakeman. “Do you know,
sir. If this is Kansas City?"
Don't be too easily convinced. I If
member that both brakesman anl
conductor may he in collusion to de
ceive you. Kook around, therefore,
tor the name of the station on the
signboard. Having found it. alight
and ask the first man you see if
this is Kansas City. He will an
swer, "Why, where In blank are your
blank eyes? Can’t you see it there,
plain as blank?" When you hear
language of this sort, ask no more.
You are now in Kansas and this is
Kansas City.
3. I have observed that it is now
the practice of the conductors to
stick bits of paper in the hats of the
passengers. They do this, I believe,
brush, and mark the passengers In
such a tvay that he cannot easily mis
take them. In the case of IllW
headed passengers, the hats might be
politely removed and red crosses
painted on the cranium*. Tills will
indicate that they are bald. Through
passengers might be distinguished b/
a complete coat of paint. In the
hands of a man of taste, much might
be effected by a little grouping of
It would be simpler if the conductor should nail the paid-up passenger
to the back of the seat.
Sleep crosswise with the head hanging over into the aisle.
to mark which ones they like best.
The device is pretty, and adds much
to the scenic appearance of the car.
But I notice with pain that the sys
tem is fraught with much trouble for
the conductors. The task of crushing
two or three passengers together, In
order to reach over them and st*ck
a ticket into the chinks of a sd:i
skull cap is embarrassing for a con
ductor of refined feelings. It would
he simpler if the conductor should
carry a small hammer and a packet
of shingle nails and nail the paid up
passenger to the hack of the seat.
Or hotter still. let the conductor
carry a small pot of paint and a
painted passengers and the leisure
time of the conductor agreeably oc
t upied.
4. I have observed In traveling in
the west that th» irregularity of rail
road accidents Is a fruitful cause of
complaint. Th» frequent disappoint
ment of the holders of accident policy
tickets on western ronds Is leading to
widespread protest. Certainly the con
'dltiona of travel in the west are alter
ing rapidly and accidents can no
longer be relied upon. This is deeply
to be regretted. In so much as, apart
from accidents, the tickets may be
said to bo practically valueless,
(Copyright 1#:3.)
Expedition W ill Study
Bird Life in Hawaii
Washington, March 10.—A scientific
expedition to study bird life in the
Hawaiian islands will leave San Fran
j cisco about March 21, it was an
nounced today.
The biological survey of the De
partment of Agriculture, the Bishop
museum of Honolulu and the Navy
department will co-operate in the »x
petition, which will be under the di
red ion of I>r. Alexander Wetmore and
Charles B. Rena of th* biological sur
The scientists will make their
studies on the dozen or more islands.
reefs and shoals embraced in the
Hawaiian islands national bird reser
vation. stretching for more than l.iiOO
miles toward Japan from the Hawaiian
archipelago.
fdeluded in the reservation is Lay
san island, celebrated as a breeding
place for albatross and other sea birds,
where the past, plumage hunters of
other nations committed serious de
predation.
The biological survey plans to rid
the island of a large colony of domes
tic rabbits which threaten to destroy
the little vegetation remaining on
Laysan, which is menacing several
species of small land birds peculiar to
this area.
;■ .
Hidden qualities largely determine
the value and life of a dosed car.
Beauty of line and finish and refine -
- ments are surface indications and im
portant ones. But your satisfaction
with a dosed car depends to a great
degree upon factors that are unseen —
the in-built qualities that come from
correct design, use of highest grade
materials and careful workmanship.
It is impossible to get more out of a
car than the maker has built into it.
The 23 series Studebaker Light-Six
Sedan is a quality car. It is built to
endure -to give lasting satisfaction.
Both body and chassis aproduced in
Studebaker plants where painstaking
craftsmanship has always been the rule
and the practice. And Studebaker has
been building quality vehides for sev
enty-one years.
The Sedan body is substantially built.
It will last for years and retain its
beauty and comfort. Evidence of its
hidden goodness lies in the fact that
down under the paint and varnish, the
pillars, roof rails and supporting
members are made from specially se
lected ash. Good ash is expensive but
Studebaker uses it because it best com
bines the proper strength and weight.
Four wide-opening doors make it easy
for all passengers to get in or out with
out inconvenience to each other. A high
grade heater affords summer warmth on
cold, damp days. The wide windows
give broad vision in every direction.
When you buy a Light-Six Sedan you
are really accepting the judgment of
100,000 owners who have found the
Light-Six chassis so satisfactory.
Studebaker quality is traditional
1923 MODELS AND PRICES — /, o. b factories
LIGHTSIX fiPRCIAL-SIX "I B?C. SIX
3 /»«—., ttr W. B . 40 H P 3 Pm— . /19* W D . 30 H P. 7 T— . /*>' W B . *0 H f
Touring__$ 975 Touring____ $127'j Townng ..$\7r>n
Ro^dTWi-975 - MW * ’P“* '~ ~122
Coup* Rcmttotcr o p*<4 Phi.) 130*
fJPmm.)_lias r^ior(VP(»r » - Cnupr (iPui ) 2550
M«n .,_ _1SS0 S**j*n20 V> 9**Un17W>
Term» to Meet Ymjr Convenient:*
The 0. N. Bonnev M otor Co.
2554 Fimim Street HA rney 0676
23 SERIES STTUDEBAKER LIGHT-SIX SEDAN $1550
Four wide-opening door*. Eight day clock.
Quick (ic+ion cowl ventilator. Attractive coarh
laiwgt. Heater. Mohair velvet plush upholetery.
Glare proof viaor and windahirld i Iranri Thief
proof tranamimlon lock. Dome light. Interior
fittinga of etched dull ailver finnh
THIS IS A STUDEBAKER YEAR
King Tut Sets
New Styles in
Women’s Wear
Hieroglyphic Embroideries
Copied from Tombs Appear
on Dresses—Lotus and
Serpent Introduced.
I.ondon, March 10. — King Tutenkh
amun may have been dead a long,
long time, but he is right on the job
today setting the new styles.
The spell of ancient Egypt is on
the world of fashions. Dressmakers
and milliners are visiting the British
museum in searcli of Inspiration for
the models of spring. The craze for
all manner of fawn and sand tints—
desert colors—has created the right
atmosphere, and gowns and draperies
are falling into the Egyptian line.
Hieroglyphic embroideries copied
from the tombs appear on dresses of
marocain and crepe. In some cases
these antique reproductions are
printed oil the fabric, and very strik
ing effects are thus obtained.
The emblematical lotus flower and
the serpent are introduced into these
designs, and the serpent motif plays
its sinister part in millinery and head
dress. Scarab ornaments appear on
gowns as well as hats. In the case
of the former, the swathed draperies
are held in place by strange Egyptian
ornaments of enormous size. These
mummy dresses are seen chiefly at
night, hut some of the newest coat
frocks are closely swathed round the
figure.
Cleopatra hats or iridescent gauze
with ear flaps of metallic embroidery
I or heavy fringe, are another phase of
the rapidly developing Egyptian
vogue.
Just Trying It Out on the Dog!
-By O. O. M'lNTYRE.
My cinnamon colored chapeau is
lifted to the doughty Englishman of
C3 winters who crossed the Atlantic
recently to spend two days at the
New York dog show.
And. while I know there are a lot
of arguments to prove how foolish
she Is, I have a secret admiration for
a wyman at the same show who
stripped $2,000 front a healthy roll
of notes in exchange for a Wooded
Boston puppy, .strapped a diamond
bracelet about its neck and walked
away.
. T have gone through life hating
only one Individual and he is the
butcher back in my home town who
tossed my trusting dog, Clay, a piece
of raw meat filled with ground glass.
Clay, after a night of suffering, died
licking my hand and all through
those terrible hours he would feebly
wag his tail as I stroked his head.
Bog lovers are few. Perhaps it Is
some complex. Things, these days,
generally are. 1 know of only two
men who hold the dog in the same
esteem as I. One is Albert Payson
Terhune, the novelist, who lives at
Pompton Bakes, N. .B, so he may be
surrounded by his collies. The other
is Fred C. Kelly, also a writer.
There are any number wlto will tell
you a dog Is all right in its place and
all that. My idea of the place for
a dog is in the hhme, his bed beside
bis master's, his plate on the floor
beside the table.
At the recent dog show I met a
man who might be considered just a
little off In -the upper story'- But he
baa been successful in business; in
deed, he is a man of affairs. I thins
the genuine dog-lover will understand.
Ills Greatest Thrill.
As a boy he loved dogs, but his
parent* would never permit hint to
have a dog in the house. At 21 hr
made a largo sum of money In ft busi
ness deal. The first thing he did was
to purchase a $7,000 rug for the par
lor and when it arrived he filled a
plate full of food for his dog, invited
the canine in and j>erniltted him to
eat it on the rug. He said no thrill
in life had ever been so great.
As a reporter l once ‘‘covered’’ a
rather famous New York murder trial.
It was brought out on the stand that
the accused had on two different occa
sions poisoned dogs. But he wn* ac
quitted of the murder charge. A
shrewd old reporter vvrote this note
and slipped it to me when the dog
poisoning story was brought out,
"That fellow is guilty as hell." Two
months later he confessed
On Forty-eighth street in N'cw York
there is a kindly old man who doc
tors dogs free of charge. ICe has a
small Income and he gets happiness
out of his charity. I asked him re
cently why lie devoted his time to
such work. He said that few peo
ple would believe his story and he
rarely told it.
/ He was out hunting in Iowa when
he was "a young man. There was an
accidental discharge of his shotgun
and he was wounded in the hip. His
pointer dog streaked it across the
fields to the village anil began bark
ing at the door of the only doctor
in the town. The doctor's curiosity
was aroused. He mounted his horse
and followed the dog to where his
master lay bleeding to death. In an
other half hour the victim would have
been beyond medical help. The doc
tor, so far as he could recall, bad
never seen the dog before.
In my personal experience with
dogs I have seen things so uncanny
that ). hesitate to tell them. Once,
while living at an uptown hotel, there
was a hallm&n that my rV*g disliked.
He v.as the only person l» have ever
seen toward whom he showed > real
ly vicious attitude. That hallman was
later arrested for attemptlnfc to rob
my rooms and some rooms adjoining.
In New York the law requires that
every dog appearing on • tlie street
shall not only be muzzled but leashed.
I sometimes wonder if my dog doesn't
give <a secret chortle when he passes
the streets where dope peddlers are
openly hawking their soul-destroying
packets. •
The most perfect dog, according to
experts at the recent dog show, is the
wired-haired fi« terrier. This breed
is supposed to embody every good
point that a perfect dog should have.
Mongrel is Smartest.
However, the man who makes n
good living training dogs for the
stage tells me the smartest dog ii
the mongrel. He says the dog that
was quickest to learn, in all his ex
perience, was a stray picked up on
the wat»r front. From a strictly ex
pert view the dog did not have a
solitary good point. He . was just
plain mut.
From the mop-liound to the Great
Dane, he also said, lie had never
found a dog that would bite unless it
sensed danger. Fear, he averred, on
the part of the individual inspired
fear in the dog. It is his contention
that the person who is absolutely fear,
less about dogs will never be bitten
and !n his 19 years’ association with
them he has proved it.
The late James fPordon Bennett,
when he was actively in charge of>
the N'ew York Herald, required that
each Moiyjay morning there should
appear on the first page of the Herald
a human Interest story about a <U>g.
He knew that dog atoriea were In
teresting blit he had another reason.
After the story appeared It was
marked with the name of the writer
by the managing editor and mailed to
Mr. Bennett In Paris. It was from
the writers of these stories that he
picked many of his executives.
It was his conviction that a man
who und"rstood and loved dogs would.
In a measure, understand men and be
fair and honest with them. He on^e
sent a reporter on a vacation trip
around the world because he had
written a capital dog story and upon
his return he was given a high post
in the executive cotuicil*.
A great oil magnate told a select
coterie of friends recently why the
man he was grooming for his place In
hi* organization lost out. The mag
nate was with the man on a trip
through some oil lield.s in Oklahoma.
A friendly i^’g came up to the car on
a lonely road and the man, without
reason, kicked it. That kick cost him
his future in that particular organiza
tion.
All of this may be wangdoolle. Per
haps we dog lovers are over zealous
in our affections. But if you don't
own a dog, go out and buy one, and.
if it doesn't Increase your Joy it living
at least t’.'i per cent, J'll roll a peanut
down Fifth avenue from the Plaza
Square to Thirty-fourth street.
(Copyright. 1*23)
Making SJO Bill Out of $1
Ends Badly for Convict
Atlanta, Ga„ March 10.—Making 20
out of 1—in dollars—is the latest
achievement, if it is an achievement,
of James K. Copeland, who Is serv
ing a one-year sentence for parsing
spurious money.
This last job was turned inside the
prison walls and for the purpose of
buying bootleg "narcotics" inside the
prison, he confessed.
\Msou*yJ
Touring - - - $490
Tha twin of tho Famous Croat Counti-y Economy
Car, retponaibla and dependable.
Roadster - $490
Comfortable, roomy. with ample luggage apace. Tho
rear deck ie removable.
2-Pass. Coupe - - $685
An all year car, handsome, wall finished and stuidy.
Coach - $785
Cray ape* >al spring suspension rontnbutes to tha
remfort of tha Coach.
4-Door Sedan - - $835
Hi# moat elegantly appointed closed car In its
price elate.
Chassis - $420*
Th«* opportunity dealer* seldom grt
Write or wire TODAY for
cgcncin.
Here is the greatest opportunity e- er precepted *o
dealers. You reed handle only the oi «* rar t.e*
light in your field hy ha- mg a >e«| "se||r- You
an build a rral business on I he (.a*-, t'ar W rite nr
wire today for The tiray Agency In • >ur territnr).
KOPAC BROTHERS
Aiito Distributors and Accessory Deslots
in Nebraska for More Thin Twenty Years
1116 Howard Slrret Omaha, Noh.
Kopac Brothers Bring
the “Gray” Car to Nebraska
At the New York Show and also at the Chicago Auto Show this marvel
ear was the sensation of the year. The Gray Car weighs 90 pounds
less than the Ford. It has Timkin bearings front and rear axles. Its
economy of operation was proven when a Gray Stock Car established a
W orld's Economy Record last year, traveling from San Francisco to
New York (4.819 miles) under the official sanction ami observance of
the American Automobile Association, with an average gasoline con
sumption of 33.8 miles per gallon.
Thousands of Gray users in the east will attest to its unusually low
operating cost. Its power will take you up any hill or through mud and
sand that any ear can negotiate. And all of the different models are
the most elegantly appointed car' in their price class.
If is equipped with the famous Gray Motor, tlie standard motors for
nearly half a century. See this “marvel car." It will answer your motor
car requirements more fully than any of the low -priced cars.
Kopac Brothers, Inc.
Di»tributor§ for 1 be Gray Car in Wfilfrn Iowa and Nebraska
111S Howard Slr*ft Omaha, Nfhraika
Branch Hpuim in Norfolk. $thuyl*r and Da*id City, Nobraaka
Tl*« Cut 4'door Sedti
