How 1 Nearly Lost My Husband,"
Narrated After Approved Fashion of Heart and Home Magazines
^ 1 --*-By STEPHEN LEACOCK.
IT was after we had been married
about two years that I began to
feel that I needed more air. Every
time I looked at John across the
breakfast table, I felt as If I must
have more air, more space.
I seemed to feel as 4f I bad no
room to expand. I had begun to ask
myself whether I had been wise In
marrying John, whether John was
really sufficient for my development.
I felt cramped anpi shut in. In spite
of myself the question would arise
in my mind whether John really un
derstood my nature. He had a way
of reading the newspaper, propped up
against the sugar bowl, at breakfast,
that somehow made me feel as if
things had gone all wrong. It was
bitter to realize that the time had
come when John could prefer the
newspaper to his wife's society.
But perhaps t had better go back
and tell the whole miserable story
from the beginning.
I shall never forget—I suppose no
woman ever does—the evening when
John first spoke out his love for me.
I had felt for some time past that
It was there. Again and again, he
seemed about to speak. But some
bow bis words seemed to fail him.
Twice I took him Into the very heart
of the little wood beside mother's
house, but It was only a small wood
and somehow he slipped out on the
other side.
Perfection, on a Garden Bench.
"Oh John,” I had said, "how lonely
nnd still it seems In the wood with
^0* one here but ourselves. Do you
^think,” I said, "that the birds have
souls?” “I don't know,” John an
swered, ‘‘let's get out of this.” I
was sure that his emotion was too
strong for him. ‘T never feel a bit
lonesome where you are, John,” I
said, as we made our way among
the underbrush. "I think we can get
out down that little gully,” he an
swered.
Then one evening In June after
tea I led John down a path beside
the house to a little corner behind
the garden where there was a stone
wall on one side and a high fence
right in front of us, and thorn bushes
on the other aide. There was a lit
tle bench In the angle of the wall
and the fence, and we sat down on
It.
"Minnie,” John said, "there's some
thing I meant to say—”
"Oh, John,” I cried, and flung my
arms round his neck. It all came
with such a flood of surprise.
"All X meant, Minn,—" John went
on, but I Shecked him.
"Oh, don't John, don't say any
thing more,” X said “It’s Just too
perfect.” Then I rose and seized
him by the wrist. "Come,” I said,
"corhe to mother,” and I rushed him
along the path.
We Cry Once Around.
As soon as mother utp-us come
in hand In hand in this way she
guessed everything. She threw both
her arms round John’s neck and
fairly pinned hint against the wall.
John tried to speak but mother
wouldn’t let him. "I saw it all
^V-ong. John.” she said. "Don't
^apeak. Don't say a word. I guessed
your love for Minn from the very
start. I don't know what I shall do
without her. John, but she's yours
now; take her.” Then mother began
to cry and I couldn't help crying. '
too. "Take him to father,” mother 1
said, and we each took one of John's
wrists and took him to father on the
back verandah.
As soon as John ssw father he
tried to gpeak again—"I think I
ought to say," he began, but mother
stopped him. "Father," she said, “he
wants to take our little girl away.
.He loves her very dearly, Alfred.”
she said, "and I think it our duty
to let her go, no matter how hard It
is. and Oh! please Heaven, Alfred,
he'll treat her well and not misuse
her or heat her,” and she began to
sob again.
Our Wedding Day.
Father got up and took John by
the hand and shook it warmly. "Take
her. hoy," he *aJd. "She s all yours
now, take her.”
So John and I were engaged and
In due time our wedding day caipe
and we were married. I remember
that for days and days before the J
wedding day, John eeemed very ner- I
vous and depressed; I think he was
worrying, poor boy, as to whether
he could really make me happy and
whether he could fill my life as it
should be filled. Hut I told him that
he was not to worry because I
meant to be happy, and was deter- j
mined just to make the best of every
thing.
Father stayed with John a good
fleal before the wedding day. and on
the wedding morning he went and
' fetched him to the church In a closed
carriage and had him there all ready
sgv^ten we came. It was a beautiful
iJly in September, and the church
locked Just lovely. I had a beautiful
gown of white organdy with tulle at
• the throat, and I carried a great
bunch of white roses, and father led
John up the aiele after me.
The First Oath.
T r»memh<T that mother cried ft
good deal at the wedding and told
John that he had stolen her darling
and that he must never misuse me
or beat me. And I remember that
the clergyman spoke very severely
to John and told him he hoped he
realized the responsibility he was
taking and that it was his duty to
make me happy. A lot of our old
friends were thers and they all spoke
quite sharply to John and sll the
women kissed me and said they
hoped I would never regret what I
had done, and X Just kept up my
spirits by sheer determination and
| told them that I had made up my
mind to be happy and that I was
going t#> be so.
Ho presently It was all over and we
were driven to the station and got
' the afternoon train for New York,
and when we rat down In the com
partment amorjg all our bdndboxer
and flowers, John said. "Well, thank
Ood, that's over." And I said, "Oh!
John, an oath! on our wedding day,
Minn. I didn't mean—’’ but I said,
"Don't John, don't make It worse
Hwe&r at m« tf you moat, but don't
make it harder to bear."
The Precious Honeymoon.
We spent our honeymoon In New
“York. At first I had thought of
going somewhere to the great lonely
woods, where I could have walked
i nrter tho great trees, and felt the
silence of nature, and where John
should have been my Viking and
captured me with ills spear, and
where I should be his and his alone
and no other man should share me;
and John had said all right.
Or else I had planned to go away
somewhere to the seashore where I
could have watched the great waves
dashing themselves against the rocks.
I had told John that he should be
my cave man, and should seize me
In his arms and carry me whither he
would. But I lookd over all the ho
•
began to come into my married life,
which I suppose I ought to have fore
seen. I mean the attentions of othor
gentlemen. X have always called forth
a great deal of admiration in gentle
men, but I have always done my best
to act like a lady and to discourage
It in every possible way. I had been
innocent enough to suppose that thla
would end with married life, and it
1 shifted the style of rollar he was wearing to a tighter kind that 1 liked
better, and brushed his hair backwards, which gave him a more alert look.
tel and steamship folders I could
find and it seemed impossible to get
good accommodation, so we came to
New York.
I had a great deal of shopping to
do for our new house, so I could
not be much with John, but I felt
it wiiS not right to neglect hint so i
drove him somewhere In a taxi each
morning and called for him again in
the evening. One day I took hirr> to
the Metropolitan museum, and' an
other day I left him at the Zoo, and
another day at the aquarium. John
seemed very quiet and happy among
the fishes.
I Notice Some I.ittle Things.
So presently we came back home
and I apent many busy days in fix
ing and arranging our new house. 1
had the drawing room done in blue,
and the dining rdom all in dark pan
elled wood, and a boudoir upetairs
done in pink and white enamel to
match my bedroom and my dressing
room. There was a very nice little
rcom in the basement next to the
coal cellar that I turned into a "den"
for John, so Chat when he wanted
to smoke he could go down there and
do it. John seebned to appreciate his
den at once, and often would ctay
down there so long that I had to
call to him to come up.
When I look back on those days ,
they seem very bright and happy, j
But it was not very long before a I
change came. I began to realize that |
John was neglecting me. I noticed
it at first in small things. I don’t ;
know Just how long it was ty^ter our |
marriage that John began to read ;
the newspaper at breakfast. At first
lie would only pick it up and read ,
it in little bits and only on the front |
page. I tried not to be hurt at It.
and would go on talking Just as
brightly as I could without seeming
to notice' anything. But presently he
went on reading the inside part of the
paper, and then one day he opened
up the financial page and folded the
paper right back and leant It against 1
the sugar bowl.
I could not but wonder whether
John's love for me was what it had
been. Was it cooling? I asked myself.
And what was cooling it? It hardly
seemed possible when I looked back
to the wild passion with which he J
had proposed to me on the garden
bench, that John's love was waning.
But I kept noticing different little i
things. One day in the spring time
I saw John getting out a lot of fish
ing tackle from a box and fitting
It together. I aslfed him what he was
going to do, and he said that he was
going to fish. I went to my room and
had a good cry. It seemed dreadful
that he could neglect hi* wife for a
.few worthless fish.
So I decided to put John to the test.
It had been, my habit every morning
after he put his coat on to go to the
office to let John have one kiss, just
one weeny kiss, to keep him happy
all day. So this day when he was get
ting ready I bent my head over a big
bowl of flowers and pretended not
to notice. I think John must have
been hurt as I heard him steal out
o/i tip toe.
Well. I realized that things had
come to a dreadful state, and so I
sent over to mother and mother came
and we bad a good cry together. I
made up my mind to force myself to
face things and Just to he ns bright
as ever I could. Mother and I both
thought lhat tilings would be better
If I tried all I could to make some
thing out of John. I have always felt
lhat every woman should make all
that she can out of her husband.
Ho I did my best first of all to
straighten up John's appearance. I
shifted the style of collar he was wear
ing to a tighter kind that I liked bet
ter, and I brushed his hair straight
backward instead of forward, which
gave him a much more alert look.
Mother said that John needed waking
up, and so we did all we could to
wake him up. Mother came over to
atny with me a good deal, and in the
[evenings we generally hud a little mu
ale or a game of cards.
About this time nnolher difficulty
Rent a Piano
$3.50
$4.00, $8.00, ale.
Per Month
419 S. 16th Omaha
gave me a dreadful shock to realize
that such was not the case.
The first one 1 noticed was a young
man who came to the house, at ant
hour when John was out. for the pur- j
pose, so he said at least, of reading j
the gas meter. He looked at me in
just the boldest way and asked me to
show him the way to the cellar. I
don't know whether it was a pretext
or not. but I Just summoned all the 1
I
over the keys in such a mournful
way that I knew he must have fallen
in love with me. Of course I told
John nothing of all this.
Then there was Mr. McQueen, who
came to the house several times to
play cribbage with John. He had
been desperately in love with mo
years before, at least I remember
his taking me home from a hockey
match once and what a struggle It
was for him not to come Into the par
lor and see'-mother for a few minutes
when I asked him; and though he was
married now and with three children,
I felt sure when he came to play crib
liage with John that it meant some
thing, He was very discreet and hon
orable and never betrayed himself
for a moment, and I acted my part
as if there was nothing at all behind.
1 See Ixive Dwindling.
Then presently a new trouble came.
T began to suspect that John was
drinking. I don't mean for a mo
ment that he was drunk, or that he
was openly cruel to me. But I think
he was drinking bevo by himself, too,
though 1 could never he sure of It.
At any rate he often seemed queer
and restless In the evenings, and in
stead of staying in his den he would
wander all over the house. Once sve
heard him—1 mean mother and I and
two lady friends who were with us
that evening—quite late (after 10
o'clock) apparently moving about In
the ran try. ''John,” I called, "is that
yeti?” “Yes, Minn,” lie answered,
quietly enough, I admit. "What are
you doing there?” I asked. "Ixiolc
Ing for something to eat," he said.
"John." I said, “you are forgetting
w-hat is due to me as your wife. You
were fed at 6. Go back.1'
He went. But yet T felt more and
more that his love must he dwindling
to make him act as he did. 1 thought
it all over wearily enough and asked
myself whether I had done every
thing I should to hold my husband's
love. X had kept him in at nights. X
had cut down his smoking. I had
stopped his playing cards. What
more was there that I could do?
I Deride on the Great Step.
So at last the conviction came to
me that I must go away. I felt that
I must get away somew here and |
think things out. Just face things as
they were. So one morning I said to
John, "John, I think I’d like to go
off somewhere for a little time, just
to be by myself, dear, and I don't ■
want you to ask to come w ith me ]
or to follow me. but just let me go."
We each grasped one of John's wrists and took him to father.
courage I had and showed him lo the
head of the rellar stairs. When he
came up he professed to have read
the meter and he left the house quite
quietly. But I thought It wiser to
say nothing to John of what had hap
pened.
There were others, too. There was
a young man with large, brown eyes
who rame and said he had hen sent
to tune the piano. He rame on three
sparate days and he bent his ear
John said. "All right Vinn. When
are you going to atart?" <
The cold brutality of It cut me td
the heart, and I went upstairs and
had a good cry and looked over
steamship anil railroad folders. I
thought of Havana for n while, be
cause the pictures of the harlmr and
the castle and the queer Spanish
streets looked so attractive, hut then
I was afraid that nt Havana ft woman
alone by herself might be simply per
Making Monday’s Business
Equal Saturday’s
Frankly speaking, Monday is a dull day
with us. We have determined to create
Monday business. The prices giveitf below
and the Monday shoppers, we believe,
will do it.
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60c Ipana Tooth Paste....37C
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00c Sal F^epatica .42c
30c Sal Hepatica.21 C
40c Fletcher's Castoria. . 27c
G0c 0. K. Phosphate of Soda,
at .29C
GOc King's New Discovery, 39c
70c Sloan’s Liniment ... 39c
$1.26 Creo Mulsion .DSC
$1.15 Lydia Pinkhant’a A’eRctnble
Compound .89C
HOUSEHOLD WANTS
$1.20 Lysol .78<*
fiOe Lysol .fltlC
30c Lysol .lt>C
50c Witch Hazel .2Mc
50c Glycerine and Rose Water,
at .2Wr
50c Tr. Iodine .2t)C
10c Kunhrite Cleanser . r»r
$1.00 Rubbing Alcohol... 79C
TOILET ARTICLES
OOe Mulsified Cocoanut Oil H7«*
SI.00 Swiaco Hair Tonic..58$*
50c Swisco Hair Tonic.... 2tlO
$1.00 Quinine Hair Tonic title*
SHAVING PREPARATIONS
35c Colgate’*, Williams’, Palm
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sticks .27c
$1.00 Gillette Rladca.title*
50c Gillette Blades . . . 2tiC
$5.00 Autostrop Razors, 82.7it
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Bed Pan*, Clinical Thermometer*
and Sick Room Supplies 33*-3% Off
Camels, Spurs and Lucky Strike Cigarettes,
12? package, $1.20 * carton.
sccuted )>y attentions from gentle- '
men. They say the Spanish 4em- •
pernment is something fearful. So I
decided on Bermuda instead.
Telegram for John.
I said nothing more to John, but j
in the next few days I got all mv I
arrangements made and my things
packed. And when the last afternoon ;
came I sat down and wrote John a
long letter, to leave on my boudoir j
table, telling him that I had gone to
Bermuda. I told him that I wanted
to be alone: I said that I couldn't tell
when I would be back—that it might
be months, or it might lie years, and
I hoped that he would try to be as
happy as he could and forget me en
tirely, and to send me money on the
first of every month.
Well it was just about that moment
that one of those strange coincidences
happen, little things in themselves,
but which seem to alter the whole
course of a person's life. T had nearly
finished the letter to John that I was
to leave on the writng desk, when
;ust then the maid came lip to my
room with a telegram. It was for
John, but 1 thought It my duty to
open it and read it for him before I
left. And 1 nearly fainted when 1
aw that It was from a lawyer in
Bermuda—of all places—<uid it said
that a legacy of $200,000 had been
left to John by An uncle of hi| who
had died there, and asking for instruc
tions about the disposition of it.
A great wave seemed to sweep over
me, and all the wicked thoughts that
had been in iny mind—for I saw now
that they were wicked—were driven
clean away. I thought how com
pletely lost poor John would feel If
all this money came to him and he
didn't have to work any more and
had no one at his side to help and
guide him in using it.
l/ove Triumphs.
T tore up the wicked letter I had
written and hurried as fast as I
could to pack up a valise with John's
things (my own were packed already,
as I said.) Then presently John
came in and I broke the news to him
as gently and as tenderly as I could
about his uncle having left him the
money and having died. I told him
that I had found out all about the j
trains and the Bermuda steamer and |
ftod everything all packed and ready1
for us to Nave at once.
We left f\T New York that eve- j
nlng and after we had been to Ber- !
rnuda and arranged about a suitable
monument for John's uncle and col- j
lected the money we sailed for Eu
rope.
AH through the happy time that has
followed, 1 like to think that through
all our trials and difficulties afflic
tion brought us safely together at
last.
(Copyrlsht, 3123.)
—..
What Is believed to be the largest
ruby In (he world was recently re- ,
c ived In I.ofidon. The stone is oval
In shape weighs 22 carats and is val
ued at $60,000.
Passing of th e Clawhammer
. &_
It Has Gone the Way of the Prince Albert and
the Tile Hat—Read This and You’ll Find
Out Why it Is.
?* the clawhammer cjat fading out
of the pii^ure? N'o,4f% already faded.
As far as Omaha Is concerned the
clawhammer Is enagged In a neck
and neck race with the Prince Albert
and the tile hat to see which first
reaches the shadows where the has
beens creep. The Prince Albert and
the silk hat still do duty at corner
stone layings and funerals, the claw
hammer at weddings; that’s all.
It was at a formal ball held not
so long ago that the death knell of
tight. The dinner jacket/or Tuxedo,
Is more comfortable. And then I
think most men have a sneaking
hunch that they look silly In a claw
hammer, a* though their wive* made
'em dress up. And then again I think
men have an idea they don’t look
bad at all In a dinner Jacket, sort of
'shetklsh’ you know.”
"Ah, then It’s not entirely a ques
tion of comfort; it's vanity too?"
The manager grinned, albeit a lit
tle sheepishly.
"Well, that's Just my own opm
\ gTIQULTTe.
J eutc 613
VBRr
Cwex/SH
the clawhammer was indubitably
sounded. Wedding receptions have
come and gone and the dinner jacket
has disported Itself Jauntly thereat
with a bravado which snapped its
fingers at Rule No. 628 in the
etlquet books. Formal dlnnera have
been eaten and theater box parties
attended as unentailed as a Manx
cat. But when coats were worn
bobbed at a formal ball it became
time for the curious to prick up
inquiring ears.
To the manager of one of Omaha's
leading stores for men went an ap
peal.
"Tell me." he was asked, "Are you
selling any full dress »uits for men?”
He stared as thoug i he he'd been
asked for Tutenkhamun's tlephone
number.
"Do you mean clawhammers" h«
gasped.
"Yes, clawhammers, swallowtails
moonshine fronts, whatever you call
’em."
He smiled indulgently.
' No. No one ever a«k» for them
any more. We hardly keep a line in
stock.''
"What seems to be the main dif
ficulty?”
"Well. T think partly it's the der.c
!ng. Clawhammers fit iath»r snug.
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You do not need to put off buying your Baby Grand or Player
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Only 9635.00 |
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complete with compart
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We have many other
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and up.
Think of it! A Player Piano
Only $395
Complete with bench,
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We have a complete .lock of brand new Upriflit., dependable
Piano, priced at *275.00. *300.00. *350.00. *375.00
and up and we arrange term. a. low a. *0.00 per month.
Your old Piano gladly accepted a. a .ub.tantial part payment and
remember, three to five year, to pay the balance.
Remember there i. no other .tore in the middle we.I where you
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l.indeman dr Son., Rehr Bro.„ Premier, Camp St Co., and Schmotler
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with on« of
t h <• • • fina
Pianoa, fill in
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.SrhmotUr 6 Muollor Plano Co*
1414* III-1 R Pod go St.
Omaha. Nob.
Gontlomon: Ploaoo •w.4 m. 4.lul«i talinvlM
regarding tho Grand* Upright* Flavor Fiona I hovn
marhod with an ‘‘X."
Nam* .............. Add'ooo..
City.. Stoto..
ion,” he admitted. "But I think it's
supplanting the formal dress which
not so long ago w-as considered an
absolute requirement. The style
everywhere now is to look like a
waiter In a small Atlantic City hotel.
Omaha is not alone in its desertion
the clawhammer. Tuxedoes s^s
worn almost entirely In New Fork,
It is reported, and even In Washing
tog the dinner Jacket has made its
Inroads into diplomatic circle* and la
a good guess."
Ku Klux Klan Makes
Arrival in Ireland
Dublin. F'b. 24.—The Ku Klux
Klan has arrived in Ireland, accord
ing to C. F. Ridgeway, organizer of
the Irish Transport and General
Worker*’ union, the largest trade
union in Ireland.
"All the farmers are now in dis
pute with their men," Ridgeway
said, "and they hate formed them
selves into a flying column, even
Intimidating other farmers to force
them to join the organization, Jock
out the farm hands and compel
them to take a reduction in wages.
"In on» case that I know of the
Ku Klux Klan farmer* imposed a
fine of t4i upon a fanner who re
fused to discharge hi* laborers, Th»
marauders searched the farmer i
home arid, when he tendered a cheek
in *payment of the fine, refused tc.
take it. demanding money.
''Since this Ku Klux Klan has
i>een formed fires have been fre
quent among the farmers’ build
ing* and the workers aie being
blamed for the work of the marau
ders."' • ^
Duke Kahanamoku Invited
to Enter Swimming Meet
Honolulu. Feb. 24.—An Ipvitatlon
to Duke Kahanamoku, Hawaii's great
est aquatic star, to come to the island*
from Dos Angeles, where he has been
residing for the last nine months, in
order to participate in an army-civil
ian swimming meet in Honolulu har
bor next month, has Just been for
warded by George (Dadl ('enter, presi
dent of the local Amateur Athletla
union. Kahanamoku 1* asked to taka
part in the sprint events.
Salt Lake City Omaha New York
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