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About The Omaha morning bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 25, 1923)
How 1 Nearly Lost My Husband," Narrated After Approved Fashion of Heart and Home Magazines ^ 1 --*-By STEPHEN LEACOCK. IT was after we had been married about two years that I began to feel that I needed more air. Every time I looked at John across the breakfast table, I felt as If I must have more air, more space. I seemed to feel as 4f I bad no room to expand. I had begun to ask myself whether I had been wise In marrying John, whether John was really sufficient for my development. I felt cramped anpi shut in. In spite of myself the question would arise in my mind whether John really un derstood my nature. He had a way of reading the newspaper, propped up against the sugar bowl, at breakfast, that somehow made me feel as if things had gone all wrong. It was bitter to realize that the time had come when John could prefer the newspaper to his wife's society. But perhaps t had better go back and tell the whole miserable story from the beginning. I shall never forget—I suppose no woman ever does—the evening when John first spoke out his love for me. I had felt for some time past that It was there. Again and again, he seemed about to speak. But some bow bis words seemed to fail him. Twice I took him Into the very heart of the little wood beside mother's house, but It was only a small wood and somehow he slipped out on the other side. Perfection, on a Garden Bench. "Oh John,” I had said, "how lonely nnd still it seems In the wood with ^0* one here but ourselves. Do you ^think,” I said, "that the birds have souls?” “I don't know,” John an swered, ‘‘let's get out of this.” I was sure that his emotion was too strong for him. ‘T never feel a bit lonesome where you are, John,” I said, as we made our way among the underbrush. "I think we can get out down that little gully,” he an swered. Then one evening In June after tea I led John down a path beside the house to a little corner behind the garden where there was a stone wall on one side and a high fence right in front of us, and thorn bushes on the other aide. There was a lit tle bench In the angle of the wall and the fence, and we sat down on It. "Minnie,” John said, "there's some thing I meant to say—” "Oh, John,” I cried, and flung my arms round his neck. It all came with such a flood of surprise. "All X meant, Minn,—" John went on, but I Shecked him. "Oh, don't John, don't say any thing more,” X said “It’s Just too perfect.” Then I rose and seized him by the wrist. "Come,” I said, "corhe to mother,” and I rushed him along the path. We Cry Once Around. As soon as mother utp-us come in hand In hand in this way she guessed everything. She threw both her arms round John’s neck and fairly pinned hint against the wall. John tried to speak but mother wouldn’t let him. "I saw it all ^V-ong. John.” she said. "Don't ^apeak. Don't say a word. I guessed your love for Minn from the very start. I don't know what I shall do without her. John, but she's yours now; take her.” Then mother began to cry and I couldn't help crying. ' too. "Take him to father,” mother 1 said, and we each took one of John's wrists and took him to father on the back verandah. As soon as John ssw father he tried to gpeak again—"I think I ought to say," he began, but mother stopped him. "Father," she said, “he wants to take our little girl away. .He loves her very dearly, Alfred.” she said, "and I think it our duty to let her go, no matter how hard It is. and Oh! please Heaven, Alfred, he'll treat her well and not misuse her or heat her,” and she began to sob again. Our Wedding Day. Father got up and took John by the hand and shook it warmly. "Take her. hoy," he *aJd. "She s all yours now, take her.” So John and I were engaged and In due time our wedding day caipe and we were married. I remember that for days and days before the J wedding day, John eeemed very ner- I vous and depressed; I think he was worrying, poor boy, as to whether he could really make me happy and whether he could fill my life as it should be filled. Hut I told him that he was not to worry because I meant to be happy, and was deter- j mined just to make the best of every thing. Father stayed with John a good fleal before the wedding day. and on the wedding morning he went and ' fetched him to the church In a closed carriage and had him there all ready sgv^ten we came. It was a beautiful iJly in September, and the church locked Just lovely. I had a beautiful gown of white organdy with tulle at • the throat, and I carried a great bunch of white roses, and father led John up the aiele after me. The First Oath. T r»memh<T that mother cried ft good deal at the wedding and told John that he had stolen her darling and that he must never misuse me or beat me. And I remember that the clergyman spoke very severely to John and told him he hoped he realized the responsibility he was taking and that it was his duty to make me happy. A lot of our old friends were thers and they all spoke quite sharply to John and sll the women kissed me and said they hoped I would never regret what I had done, and X Just kept up my spirits by sheer determination and | told them that I had made up my mind to be happy and that I was going t#> be so. Ho presently It was all over and we were driven to the station and got ' the afternoon train for New York, and when we rat down In the com partment amorjg all our bdndboxer and flowers, John said. "Well, thank Ood, that's over." And I said, "Oh! John, an oath! on our wedding day, Minn. I didn't mean—’’ but I said, "Don't John, don't make It worse Hwe&r at m« tf you moat, but don't make it harder to bear." The Precious Honeymoon. We spent our honeymoon In New “York. At first I had thought of going somewhere to the great lonely woods, where I could have walked i nrter tho great trees, and felt the silence of nature, and where John should have been my Viking and captured me with ills spear, and where I should be his and his alone and no other man should share me; and John had said all right. Or else I had planned to go away somewhere to the seashore where I could have watched the great waves dashing themselves against the rocks. I had told John that he should be my cave man, and should seize me In his arms and carry me whither he would. But I lookd over all the ho • began to come into my married life, which I suppose I ought to have fore seen. I mean the attentions of othor gentlemen. X have always called forth a great deal of admiration in gentle men, but I have always done my best to act like a lady and to discourage It in every possible way. I had been innocent enough to suppose that thla would end with married life, and it 1 shifted the style of rollar he was wearing to a tighter kind that 1 liked better, and brushed his hair backwards, which gave him a more alert look. tel and steamship folders I could find and it seemed impossible to get good accommodation, so we came to New York. I had a great deal of shopping to do for our new house, so I could not be much with John, but I felt it wiiS not right to neglect hint so i drove him somewhere In a taxi each morning and called for him again in the evening. One day I took hirr> to the Metropolitan museum, and' an other day I left him at the Zoo, and another day at the aquarium. John seemed very quiet and happy among the fishes. I Notice Some I.ittle Things. So presently we came back home and I apent many busy days in fix ing and arranging our new house. 1 had the drawing room done in blue, and the dining rdom all in dark pan elled wood, and a boudoir upetairs done in pink and white enamel to match my bedroom and my dressing room. There was a very nice little rcom in the basement next to the coal cellar that I turned into a "den" for John, so Chat when he wanted to smoke he could go down there and do it. John seebned to appreciate his den at once, and often would ctay down there so long that I had to call to him to come up. When I look back on those days , they seem very bright and happy, j But it was not very long before a I change came. I began to realize that | John was neglecting me. I noticed it at first in small things. I don’t ; know Just how long it was ty^ter our | marriage that John began to read ; the newspaper at breakfast. At first lie would only pick it up and read , it in little bits and only on the front | page. I tried not to be hurt at It. and would go on talking Just as brightly as I could without seeming to notice' anything. But presently he went on reading the inside part of the paper, and then one day he opened up the financial page and folded the paper right back and leant It against 1 the sugar bowl. I could not but wonder whether John's love for me was what it had been. Was it cooling? I asked myself. And what was cooling it? It hardly seemed possible when I looked back to the wild passion with which he J had proposed to me on the garden bench, that John's love was waning. But I kept noticing different little i things. One day in the spring time I saw John getting out a lot of fish ing tackle from a box and fitting It together. I aslfed him what he was going to do, and he said that he was going to fish. I went to my room and had a good cry. It seemed dreadful that he could neglect hi* wife for a .few worthless fish. So I decided to put John to the test. It had been, my habit every morning after he put his coat on to go to the office to let John have one kiss, just one weeny kiss, to keep him happy all day. So this day when he was get ting ready I bent my head over a big bowl of flowers and pretended not to notice. I think John must have been hurt as I heard him steal out o/i tip toe. Well. I realized that things had come to a dreadful state, and so I sent over to mother and mother came and we bad a good cry together. I made up my mind to force myself to face things and Just to he ns bright as ever I could. Mother and I both thought lhat tilings would be better If I tried all I could to make some thing out of John. I have always felt lhat every woman should make all that she can out of her husband. Ho I did my best first of all to straighten up John's appearance. I shifted the style of collar he was wear ing to a tighter kind that I liked bet ter, and I brushed his hair straight backward instead of forward, which gave him a much more alert look. Mother said that John needed waking up, and so we did all we could to wake him up. Mother came over to atny with me a good deal, and in the [evenings we generally hud a little mu ale or a game of cards. About this time nnolher difficulty Rent a Piano $3.50 $4.00, $8.00, ale. Per Month 419 S. 16th Omaha gave me a dreadful shock to realize that such was not the case. The first one 1 noticed was a young man who came to the house, at ant hour when John was out. for the pur- j pose, so he said at least, of reading j the gas meter. He looked at me in just the boldest way and asked me to show him the way to the cellar. I don't know whether it was a pretext or not. but I Just summoned all the 1 I over the keys in such a mournful way that I knew he must have fallen in love with me. Of course I told John nothing of all this. Then there was Mr. McQueen, who came to the house several times to play cribbage with John. He had been desperately in love with mo years before, at least I remember his taking me home from a hockey match once and what a struggle It was for him not to come Into the par lor and see'-mother for a few minutes when I asked him; and though he was married now and with three children, I felt sure when he came to play crib liage with John that it meant some thing, He was very discreet and hon orable and never betrayed himself for a moment, and I acted my part as if there was nothing at all behind. 1 See Ixive Dwindling. Then presently a new trouble came. T began to suspect that John was drinking. I don't mean for a mo ment that he was drunk, or that he was openly cruel to me. But I think he was drinking bevo by himself, too, though 1 could never he sure of It. At any rate he often seemed queer and restless In the evenings, and in stead of staying in his den he would wander all over the house. Once sve heard him—1 mean mother and I and two lady friends who were with us that evening—quite late (after 10 o'clock) apparently moving about In the ran try. ''John,” I called, "is that yeti?” “Yes, Minn,” lie answered, quietly enough, I admit. "What are you doing there?” I asked. "Ixiolc Ing for something to eat," he said. "John." I said, “you are forgetting w-hat is due to me as your wife. You were fed at 6. Go back.1' He went. But yet T felt more and more that his love must he dwindling to make him act as he did. 1 thought it all over wearily enough and asked myself whether I had done every thing I should to hold my husband's love. X had kept him in at nights. X had cut down his smoking. I had stopped his playing cards. What more was there that I could do? I Deride on the Great Step. So at last the conviction came to me that I must go away. I felt that I must get away somew here and | think things out. Just face things as they were. So one morning I said to John, "John, I think I’d like to go off somewhere for a little time, just to be by myself, dear, and I don't ■ want you to ask to come w ith me ] or to follow me. but just let me go." We each grasped one of John's wrists and took him to father. courage I had and showed him lo the head of the rellar stairs. When he came up he professed to have read the meter and he left the house quite quietly. But I thought It wiser to say nothing to John of what had hap pened. There were others, too. There was a young man with large, brown eyes who rame and said he had hen sent to tune the piano. He rame on three sparate days and he bent his ear John said. "All right Vinn. When are you going to atart?" < The cold brutality of It cut me td the heart, and I went upstairs and had a good cry and looked over steamship anil railroad folders. I thought of Havana for n while, be cause the pictures of the harlmr and the castle and the queer Spanish streets looked so attractive, hut then I was afraid that nt Havana ft woman alone by herself might be simply per Making Monday’s Business Equal Saturday’s Frankly speaking, Monday is a dull day with us. We have determined to create Monday business. The prices giveitf below and the Monday shoppers, we believe, will do it. EXTRA SPECIALS $1.00 Osoto Indian Tonic. 39C Woodbury's Facial Soap, per cake .18C Pebeco Tooth Paste.33C Saniflush .17C Palmolive Soap.8«* $1.00 Zepyrol .39C $1.00 Liquid White Petrolatum, at .Mir 60c Ipana Tooth Paste....37C PATENT MEDICINES $1.00 Snl Hepatica .84C 00c Sal F^epatica .42c 30c Sal Hepatica.21 C 40c Fletcher's Castoria. . 27c G0c 0. K. 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So I decided on Bermuda instead. Telegram for John. I said nothing more to John, but j in the next few days I got all mv I arrangements made and my things packed. And when the last afternoon ; came I sat down and wrote John a long letter, to leave on my boudoir j table, telling him that I had gone to Bermuda. I told him that I wanted to be alone: I said that I couldn't tell when I would be back—that it might be months, or it might lie years, and I hoped that he would try to be as happy as he could and forget me en tirely, and to send me money on the first of every month. Well it was just about that moment that one of those strange coincidences happen, little things in themselves, but which seem to alter the whole course of a person's life. T had nearly finished the letter to John that I was to leave on the writng desk, when ;ust then the maid came lip to my room with a telegram. It was for John, but 1 thought It my duty to open it and read it for him before I left. And 1 nearly fainted when 1 aw that It was from a lawyer in Bermuda—of all places—<uid it said that a legacy of $200,000 had been left to John by An uncle of hi| who had died there, and asking for instruc tions about the disposition of it. A great wave seemed to sweep over me, and all the wicked thoughts that had been in iny mind—for I saw now that they were wicked—were driven clean away. I thought how com pletely lost poor John would feel If all this money came to him and he didn't have to work any more and had no one at his side to help and guide him in using it. l/ove Triumphs. T tore up the wicked letter I had written and hurried as fast as I could to pack up a valise with John's things (my own were packed already, as I said.) Then presently John came in and I broke the news to him as gently and as tenderly as I could about his uncle having left him the money and having died. I told him that I had found out all about the j trains and the Bermuda steamer and | ftod everything all packed and ready1 for us to Nave at once. We left f\T New York that eve- j nlng and after we had been to Ber- ! rnuda and arranged about a suitable monument for John's uncle and col- j lected the money we sailed for Eu rope. AH through the happy time that has followed, 1 like to think that through all our trials and difficulties afflic tion brought us safely together at last. (Copyrlsht, 3123.) —.. What Is believed to be the largest ruby In (he world was recently re- , c ived In I.ofidon. The stone is oval In shape weighs 22 carats and is val ued at $60,000. Passing of th e Clawhammer . &_ It Has Gone the Way of the Prince Albert and the Tile Hat—Read This and You’ll Find Out Why it Is. ?* the clawhammer cjat fading out of the pii^ure? N'o,4f% already faded. As far as Omaha Is concerned the clawhammer Is enagged In a neck and neck race with the Prince Albert and the tile hat to see which first reaches the shadows where the has beens creep. The Prince Albert and the silk hat still do duty at corner stone layings and funerals, the claw hammer at weddings; that’s all. It was at a formal ball held not so long ago that the death knell of tight. The dinner jacket/or Tuxedo, Is more comfortable. And then I think most men have a sneaking hunch that they look silly In a claw hammer, a* though their wive* made 'em dress up. And then again I think men have an idea they don’t look bad at all In a dinner Jacket, sort of 'shetklsh’ you know.” "Ah, then It’s not entirely a ques tion of comfort; it's vanity too?" The manager grinned, albeit a lit tle sheepishly. "Well, that's Just my own opm \ gTIQULTTe. J eutc 613 VBRr Cwex/SH the clawhammer was indubitably sounded. Wedding receptions have come and gone and the dinner jacket has disported Itself Jauntly thereat with a bravado which snapped its fingers at Rule No. 628 in the etlquet books. Formal dlnnera have been eaten and theater box parties attended as unentailed as a Manx cat. But when coats were worn bobbed at a formal ball it became time for the curious to prick up inquiring ears. To the manager of one of Omaha's leading stores for men went an ap peal. "Tell me." he was asked, "Are you selling any full dress »uits for men?” He stared as thoug i he he'd been asked for Tutenkhamun's tlephone number. "Do you mean clawhammers" h« gasped. "Yes, clawhammers, swallowtails moonshine fronts, whatever you call ’em." He smiled indulgently. ' No. No one ever a«k» for them any more. We hardly keep a line in stock.'' "What seems to be the main dif ficulty?” "Well. T think partly it's the der.c !ng. Clawhammers fit iath»r snug. 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We have a complete .lock of brand new Upriflit., dependable Piano, priced at *275.00. *300.00. *350.00. *375.00 and up and we arrange term. a. low a. *0.00 per month. Your old Piano gladly accepted a. a .ub.tantial part payment and remember, three to five year, to pay the balance. Remember there i. no other .tore in the middle we.I where you can purcha.e new Strinway, Hardman, Steinert, Emereon. McPhail, l.indeman dr Son., Rehr Bro.„ Premier, Camp St Co., and Schmotler St Mueller Piano, and Player*. If you I i * • DU t I id» Of Omaha and with on« of t h <• • • fina Pianoa, fill in tho coupon. .SrhmotUr 6 Muollor Plano Co* 1414* III-1 R Pod go St. Omaha. Nob. Gontlomon: Ploaoo •w.4 m. 4.lul«i talinvlM regarding tho Grand* Upright* Flavor Fiona I hovn marhod with an ‘‘X." Nam* .............. Add'ooo.. City.. Stoto.. ion,” he admitted. "But I think it's supplanting the formal dress which not so long ago w-as considered an absolute requirement. The style everywhere now is to look like a waiter In a small Atlantic City hotel. Omaha is not alone in its desertion the clawhammer. Tuxedoes s^s worn almost entirely In New Fork, It is reported, and even In Washing tog the dinner Jacket has made its Inroads into diplomatic circle* and la a good guess." Ku Klux Klan Makes Arrival in Ireland Dublin. F'b. 24.—The Ku Klux Klan has arrived in Ireland, accord ing to C. F. Ridgeway, organizer of the Irish Transport and General Worker*’ union, the largest trade union in Ireland. "All the farmers are now in dis pute with their men," Ridgeway said, "and they hate formed them selves into a flying column, even Intimidating other farmers to force them to join the organization, Jock out the farm hands and compel them to take a reduction in wages. "In on» case that I know of the Ku Klux Klan farmer* imposed a fine of t4i upon a fanner who re fused to discharge hi* laborers, Th» marauders searched the farmer i home arid, when he tendered a cheek in *payment of the fine, refused tc. take it. demanding money. ''Since this Ku Klux Klan has i>een formed fires have been fre quent among the farmers’ build ing* and the workers aie being blamed for the work of the marau ders."' • ^ Duke Kahanamoku Invited to Enter Swimming Meet Honolulu. Feb. 24.—An Ipvitatlon to Duke Kahanamoku, Hawaii's great est aquatic star, to come to the island* from Dos Angeles, where he has been residing for the last nine months, in order to participate in an army-civil ian swimming meet in Honolulu har bor next month, has Just been for warded by George (Dadl ('enter, presi dent of the local Amateur Athletla union. Kahanamoku 1* asked to taka part in the sprint events. Salt Lake City Omaha New York 1417 Douglas Street Qulityr A Credit Store for All the People. 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