The Red Cloud chief. (Red Cloud, Webster Co., Neb.) 1873-1923, May 31, 1923, Image 7

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l.? VAnEW-aA JU.WTIf'IWMH.WIW.i Hip. jauM
Matrimonial Adventures
The Tenth
Mrs. Tulhington
Ellis Parker Butler
Author of "Tlir. Incubator
llahj," "('oiifeHhitin iif n.
Il.ully," "Hint l'up." "(hrer.
fill MiiiibrIpm," "lied !liiul,"
"Ilinnliili Ilciin," "(lout's
lYlltlirr," "I'lillo O11I1I1." "I'lss
Is rijt," "Jn rami." etc.
Opyrtht by OnltoJ feature Syndicate
I ilo not bollovo thorn nro many
people In this country who nnod
nn Introduction to Kills I'nrkcr
Huth-r, whosu llrit fntno arrived
Mltli a llttlo Htory called "I'lK9 Is
l'ltrs." That fatno has been ki-ovv-Iik
Bteaillly ever bIiico with his
many books, short storle.i nntl
mnvine pictures
He Ina lectured, too, In all parts
of the United States and Is, por
Imps, best known na ono of our
most popular humorists, though
he writes Union of a serious and
Interesting nature, alio. Ho pays
he Is ono of tho few American
wrlmrs who did not bejrln his litor
nr training on a nowflpaper.
Ho was born In Muscatine, In ,
and wont Kast bout 23 ycara ngo.
He is very modest about himself.
It Is dlflliult to pet him to to'l you
anythlnK. but I finally did extract
that he Is married and thlii fully
lunllfleri to write for the Star Au
thor Series of Matrimonial Adven
tureshas four children, two of
whom aro twins: and that when ho
Is not wrltlnc ho would llko to bo
fishing ami that ho l.i much Inter
est d In tlno cultivation of tulips.
You have an understanding when
you are tf.lklnj; to him of tho ureat
popularity of his work, for ho seos
the llttlo kindly, human points of
life In a humorous way thnt never
hurt.H and with such amuzlntr ln
FlKht. too. Ho Is constructively
"Thi Tnth Mrs. Tutktnp;ton" Is
n h.mnrous story yos, but hasn't
it a serious sldo?
My only excuse for throwing George
Itthi'ra into the lily-pool at midnight
Is tV;ii I thought ho was my wlfo
Swan. As n president of n bank and
a h!ghly respected and weighty citi
zen J most seriously object to being
allo'f "Italdy," and I particularly oh
Joe: to being slapped gaily on the top
of ry liend with an open hand. Or
any other kind of hand. And I be
llevrd this Tlthers person my wife's
brother, I'm ashamed to say was In
Turope. Naturally, then, when I had
been dreaming that my wlfo was
standing above me In n divorce court,
denouncing me to the Judge, nnd de
claring that even the sight of my bald
head had come to be nauseating to
her, my first thought when I felt the
slap on the head nnd heard, "What
lio, ttaldy!" was that Susan was at
tacking me. In an Instant I bad
leaped from tho marble bench and had
grappled with my attacker. George
Tlthers cried out a moment too late,
for Iliad already glen a mighty heave
and had thrown hint full length Into
the lily-pond. As my mistake became
apparent to me as I saw George
Tlthor. coming nut of the lily-pond
on Ms hands and knees, I apologized
"I beg your pardon," I said; "I
thought you were my wife."
"Bother! I should think so!"
GecViie said as ho emerged and shook
himself like n dog. "Hut It's not a
nlco way to treat a lady, Tulky; Is It,
no'? Wife drowning Isn't done In the
best circle any more, you know. Hut,
T siy: lias It come to this, really?
The little gray home In the West must
be off Its feed, what?"
Now, my home Is not gray nnd It Is
not In the West; It Is white marble
mid on Long Island; but I lot that
pns!), Genrge Tlthers had In his silly
way put his finger on tho exact fact ;
our hnmo was "off Its feed," as ho
chos to say, and entirely off Us feed.
I made George remain where he was
while I explained the mntter fully and
to It" least detail. Toward tho end of
tho first hnlf hour, as the night grew
chilly, his teeth began to chatter nnd
a Utile later he sneezed many times,
with gradually Increasing violence,
'hut ho Ustened patiently. This deep
ened my 'bought that George nnd his
precious wife must bo (lend broke
figaln, bu I was glad to htu-e even a
dead-brole brother-in-law hear the
truth about Susan and myself. That
truth wrs that after twenty years of
mnrrled life wr hated each other. As
a matte of f.vt the reason I was on
the niaible bench by tho Illy-pool at
mldnlgl t wrifl because I bad told
Susan I woiild never again spend an
hour i nder the same roof with her
nnd thnt tomorrow wo would begin
seemlr but Immediate preparations
for a ser,irntlnn and divorce. I had
meanf to spend the night on thnt mar
ble bench,
"I fit.. !" Georgo exclaimed between
sneeies, when I had concluded. "The
Jlttlc old troublo has become quite a
snorter, what? .Tolly full tlmo the doc-'
lor Mas called, yes? Arrived In the
nick of time, didn't I, Tulky? And, I
say, do you mind If I ensconce mself
In tho pool a lilt? The water seems
n bit warmer than tho nlr."
The Idiot, I do believe, would have
gono back Into the pool, but that pre
cious wife of his came out looking for
Mm. She teemed to take his Illy-pool
hath us a matter of course, aulte as If
It was n habit of his to bnthe la Lily
pools nt mldulght, fully clad as 1
have no doubt It Is.
"llathlng, Genrge?' she said, after
she had greeted me kissed me, mlpd
you J "Ho huru to have a brisk rub
before you turn In. Jcntl you can come
Into the bouse now, Augustus; Susan
has explained everything and the
chauffeur Is sleeping In tho kitchen.
Susan has taken his room In the
garage; temporarily, 1 hope, but It Is
a very comfortable room. You do
treat your servants well, Augustus. It
Is a lovely trait."
"Susan attends to the servants," 1
said reluctantly.
"Does she? She does everything so
well, doesn't she?" said George Tlth
ers' wife.
I might have said. In reply to that,
"Too confounded weMI" but I did not.
"The trouble," said George, when be
had pom od himself a chill-preventer,
"Is that Susan is a wife In a million.
I'll say In eight million. You told her
she was a wife In fViMlon, didn't you,
old top, when you were u newly-wed?"
"None of your business t" I grow led.
"Ah I Ho confesses"' said George
Tlthers. "And now, Gussle, mo lad.
because she Is Just that a wife In a
million wives exactly like her you
are sore. What? Horedt Hltlng the
old fingernails with ennui! Dead sick
of dear old Sue. and denr old Sue dead
sick of nice old Giistus! The trouble
with you and Sue, me lad, Is that you
need n couple of stage-managers.
That's trouble Number Ono. And
troublo Number Two hnngs on It
you're both natural bigamists"
"Stop right there !" T cried.
"Llko all of us L'l:e all of tisl"
said George.
"Not another word!" I exclaimed,
exceedingly angry.
"Whoa up!" George said then. "Stop
here I The bosw says stop. We're
through. Amelia. only meant to tell
him of Lord Algy nl Lady Mercedes,
but he sajs 'stop J' t1 we stop!"
"Oh, Lord Algy nnd Lady Mercedes !"
exclaimed Oontgf's wife. "The hap
piest two people; Much a happy pair!"
"Always marrying! Alwti.vs marry
and gay. what?"
The poor wretr'i laughed heartily at
his miserable pun.
"So cheery and happy! Alwa,s ill
vorclng each other and mnrrylng some
body else, and mtirrylng each other
ngaln so gnyly!" exclaimed Amelia.
"Hecauso a man gets tired of the
dear old wife after twenty years, even
If she Is my sister," said George.
"And of the dear old reliable hus
band, even If he Is the most respect
able old baldy," said Amelia.
"Especially If he Is tho same dear
old reliable husband," George correct
ed her. "It's the blessed routine that
warps 'em. don't you tlilnk?"
"Hntherl" said Amelia heartily.
"It's like being married to tho bally
old Westminster Abney, what?" said
George. "Act of parliament needed to
permit even tho riotous Innovation of
a new tombstone. Not n new hair on
Old Hald-Top in thirteen years! Not
a new-stylo hlc-cough out of dear old
Suilc since tho wedding bells!"
"Stop It!" I cried Irritably, for he
was pnttlng tho top of jny bond, the
silly donkey. "Leavo my head alone!
Whnt about this Lord Algy and this
Lady Mercedes If you must talk?"
"Oh, they're Just off-agaln on-ngaln
gay llttlo murders, Augustus!" George
said. "Tired of ono wife, get another;
tired of one husbnnd, get nnother. It's
done In their circle. A man does get
tired of the snmo old wife. Itnutlnn
stuff, If you get me. Deadly monotony,
what? Sick of the sight of her; hate
her what?"
"It's In us," said Amelia placidly.
"The bigamy thing, I mean. Any man
who can afford It and Is not restrained
by convention or his ethics hops about
a bit; has a variety. King Solomon,
the sultan, Henry Eighth, Lord Ilyron.
And Tit by, here."
"In a way of speaking," said Tlthers
"And myself, Tithy," said Amelln.
"In a wny of speaking, as you remark,
darling. And Cloopntra, and the queen
of Shobn by all accounts."
"Now, stop this nonsense!" I said.
"You know, both of you, that you do
not run about after other men and
women "
"Well, rather not!" cried George.
"He don't get us, Amelln; he's n lilt
dense. Tell him."
"Marriage," said Amelia, "Is nlmost
never a failure; mnrrled life Is. Mar
riage Is tho first Joining of two pcoplo
together, nnd Jolly sport It Is with the
getting acquainted Intimately, rubbing
sharp points together, nnd nil. Some-l
thin' Interestln' nil tho while, what?
And then, In n few years five, maybe,
or ten, or twenty comes married life;
tho routine stuff. Awful bore, some
times; snmo old wife; samo old hus
band; same old ways nnd everything!
Nothing now ! They get Jolly well sick
of ench other, nnd no wonder."
"A man n man with a business to
attend to can't bo running n round
divorcing his wife every day or so," I
"Crickets, no!" exclaimed George
Tlthers. "Ilo'd be doing nothing else;
that's not tho right card the right
card Is to marry tho whole lot at the
first Jump oft, If you get me."
"I don't," I said dryly.
"You did It, though," said Amelia,
with a laugh. "Susan did It, too. It's
a poor stick of a woman thnt Isn't a
doen women, and a poor stick of u
man that Isn't half a dozen men."
"Whnt we mean," Tlthers broke In,
"Is that you and Sue need to be stage
managed, what? You two have twenty
roles In you, between tho two of you,
but you won't change. You, Augustus,
keep In the middle of tho stage forever
and a da? as the Heavy Father nnd
Sue has been pla".lng the Faithful Wife
twenty long years. 'Twentieth year of
the appearance of Hon. Augustus
Tulklngton end Mrs. Augustus Tulkltig
ton In their disgustingly fnmlllar parts
of Honorable Augustus Tulklngton and
Mrs. Augustus Tulklngton,' what? it's
not a wonder you want n divorce; it's
a wonder you don't tnutder each
Amelia Tlthers was looking at tno
"You can't grow new hnlr," she said,
"hut ".on might wear n wig occa
sionally." "Whnt ho, yes!" cried Tlthers, Jump
ing front his chair excitedly. "When
he stages himself ns the Coned toil
Elderly A-s, what? A toupee, what?
And white spats t And ti monocle? No,
not n monocle. A monocle can't be
Hut It was done. It was not it com
plete success, It would not stick In my
c.c. but I dangled It from a siring and
learned to swing It around my fore
finger quite well. Exceedingly well, 1
niaj say.
As nn. thing seemed preferable to
divorce. Susan and I, after thorough
consideration of the matter In com
pany with Georgo Tlthers and his wife,
agreed to appoint -George and Amelia
stage managers of our married life
nnd I allowed them u liberal compen
sation. Afier a long consultation
Gi-go nnd Amelia decided that It
would be best for George to be my per
sonal manager while Amelia managed
Susan. I agreed to everything In ad
vance, but 1 was surprised wlietv
George presented me with a sheet of
paper at the top of which be had writ
ten "Cast of Characters." On this
sheet were written six varieties of bus
bands, all men of my acquaintance,
and no two alike. At the bead of the
list was written "January Self, pros
perous banker." And following this
was "February 11. 1 Dlggleton, club
man, henvy sport," and "March Win
ston Hopple, lllrt, lady-clui-sor," and so
on down to "June Carey S. Flick, con
ceited elderly fusser, etc." July I was
t'j'iln to be "Self, prosperous hanker."
An 1 on for tho second six months.
As the month was now August I was
to be, not no self, but a person resem
bling as nearly as possible II. I'. Dlg
gleton. For the month of August Su
san was to have as her husband not
myelf lint, to nil Intents and purposes,
some one equivalent to II. 1. Dlggle
ton. George Tlthers saw that I was
fully equipped with manners and
habits; when he could not be sure what
II. 1 Dlggleton would do be Invented
something new for me to do Instead.
1 admit that as the day approached
when I was to become a practically
new and unknown husband to Susan I
became keenly excited. Tills was not
because I was to bu another man but
because I knew I was to have in Susan
an entirely new wife. 1 bail never
been so Interested In anMhlug In my
life. When- the thirteen trunks, con
taining the thirteen complete sets of
costumes Susan was to wear In her
th'rteen impersonations came Into the
house and were carried to the store
room I actually trembled with excite
ment as I saw them and noticed the
huge white numerals painted on their
sides. I say thirteen trunks because
Amelia Tlthers had decided that,
month by month, Susan should be thir
teen women. She felt that Susan, be
ing n woman, was equal to the task,
and by letting Susan be a different
womnn each month for thirteen months
while I ran, so to speak, In n cycle of
but six months, it would be many years
before the same husband could have
the same w lfe. If, for example, Susan
should be Mary P. Miller In August to
my H. P. Dlggleton, there would lie
no danger that she would bo Mary P.
Miller to my II. P. Dlggleton tho next
August, because If Mary P. Miller was
wife No. 1, when August came again
Susan would be wife No. l.'l, and the
next August she would bo wife No. 12.
Thus a continuous novelty was as
sured. On the glorious August morning
when our experiment was to begin I
opened my eos nnd raised myself on
my elbow to take u last look for
twelve months at the old Susan
Tulklngton. Sho wns not there.
leaped from bed, bathed and hurried
Into the clothes George Tlthers had
supplied for my Dlggleton Impersona
tion and hnstencd down stairs.
"Your wife?" Amelia Tlthers said
pleasantly. "Ob, you'll not see your
wlfo this month at all! She Is, this
month, ono of the gatldy ladles who
lly from their husbands In tho sum
mer. Susan has gono to Newport,
thence she goes to Alaska. You can
aspect her as the second Mrs. Tulklng
ton on or nbout the first of September."
I can assert that Susan and I did
not quarrel that August. In fact, I
never loved and longed for Susan as
truly as I did toward the end of that
month. I wasted, so to speak, my II.
P. Dlggleton role on the desert nlr, but
George Tltlicra kept me spurred to the
role and I am sure I did well. I made
uso of all my clubs nnd I did enjoy
them. I played more miction brldgo
than In all my previous life.
"Gus," ono of my friends said. "I
hardly know you! You're like a dlf
feient man. Mabe you didn't know
It, but j on were getting stupid and
stodgy ou were getting In the 'old
family man' rut. Well, bid 'em up;
hid 'em up!"
I met, toward tho end of August, u
banker from Nome. He hnd met Susan
at Portland.
"Some, wife!" he said enthusiastical
ly. "Some lively lady, Mr. Talking
ton! Just shows how folks can be
mistaken Henry Torker, who was
down here last year, said your lady
was ono of these house-broke Indies,
one of the nice old family ior.son.s. Oh,
bo r
It was with some trepidation that I
awaited Susan's return In September.
I was grateful to Amelia Tlthers for
taking Susan far away while she was
lmiiersonatlnjj such a lively lady as Mr. '
Ilutchlns of Nome fond suggested shtt
was Impersonating, and I admit that
I was glml 1 was to filvo her tit for tut.
so to speak, since my September sched
ule called for me o be a Winston Hop
ple, lady killer and lllrt. After a (ow
evenings of coaching by George Tlthers
1 sure I would be utile to carry my
Hopple role In a manner that would
not aiise Susan the least monotony.
Two nt three of tho ladles In our
summer colony seemed quite willing to
nsslst me in giving the part verisimili
tude. W hen Susan arrived she gave me one
kiss nnd hurried to her room, hut
Amelia TSthers paused a moment.
" "U'll be surprised!" she whispered.
"Siisiiii Is doing it o wonderfully!
And our little practice trip came off
splendidly. You'll never again tiitnk
of .Susan as a stodgy, stupid married
old-thing sort of pet sou. You Just
wait '"
When Susan came down to dinner I
was Indeed surprised. I turned flout
Amelia Tlthers, with whom I bad been
tloing my best to tllrt, and gasped.
Such well, such lack of clothes;
Sinli aliimdance of lung eai rings!
"The umpire-typo!" breathed Amelia
Tlthers. "Doesn't she do It well?"
Sin did! For a few September dnys
I did try to lllrt with some of our
female neighbors, but before a week
was up I found l had enough to do In
making love to Susan unit In trying to
crowd between her and the men who
seemed to take her masquerading in
can est. We bad one row, with Susan
In siiuiy colls so to speak on the
l'iilse longue, when I told her what
t thought of her conduct and she
called attention to mine, hut we kissed
and made up like young lovers. The
net minute she was vamping old
Initi' Peabody, the silly old fool!
And I had to make eyes at his stuffy
old wife In self-defense. It was, In
deed, a hasty and hectic month, as
George Tlthers said.
"Thank Heaven," I said to George,
on the last day of September, "Ibis
month Is over. I hope Susan Is to lie
something respectable In October."
"1 say, ymi know !" George ?xc!.".!:".ivL
"let: don't rnow that wife or mine.
Up nnd doing, what? Always a little
bit more, what? Spread a bit more
sail Mint's her motto, If you get me."
"Von mean to tell mo " 1 gasped.
"Well, rather!" exclaimed George
Tlthers. "Upward and onward, so to
He was right ; Amelia must have told
him. "Well educated shovv-ghl who is
not Just sure she has man led the
right man," was what Amelia had cast
Susan for In October. It was with the
greatest dllllculty thnt I was able to
maintain my role of u man who re
gretted ills past and was seeking his
solace In good books. It was Indeed
haul lor me to sit with the second vol
ume of Henry Esmond nnd see Susan
making merry with half a doen brain
less noodles while her clothes were
practically an Incitement to unseenilv
"It has been a lovely month," Susan
snld at Its close. "I did feel so fiee. I
hope you're to be something retiring in
November. I'm to be "
"Whnt 7" I snarled. I do believe I
"Walt and see'." a said.
The next evening when I returned
from my bank and met Susnn I fell
Into n chair and stared at her. She,
who had never used rouge had used
it too, too abandonedly. Her gown I
can only describe It by saying that
even Mrs. Hlnterberry, who goes what
Is poetically the limit, would have
hesitated to wear If.
"Like the countess of Duxmlnster!
Amelia Tlthers breathed In my ear.
"Clile, yes?"
I shuddered. I hnd read of the
countess of Duxmlnster; It was sho who
gave the notorious party at which she
lost thirty thousaitft pounds sterling
and then hot nil her garments and
lust I And tills was but November, and
Amelia Tlthers' motto was 'Spread a
bit more sail,' nnd there were nine
more Impersonations on Susan's list!
I closed my cjes and groped for the
stair bannisters. When I reached the
upper lloor I dodged for the stairs that
led to tho storeroom. There, In a row,
were the twelve trunks. Number l
was not there; was evidently In Su
san's boudoir For a moment I stood
before trunk Number ft. It was tin
locked ; so were they all. I put my
hand on the lid and hesitated. After
all I could guess what might be In
trunk Number fi. I might as well
know the worst. I staggered to trunk
Number 1H.
Now, I trust I nm not a coward, but
I did not dare open the lid of that
trunk. A dozen times I drew u deep
breath and a dozen times I hesitated.
1 turned to trunk Number 12, to Num
ber 11.
"Augustus," I said to myself, "be a
man! Face this thing!"
I threw open tho lid of the trunk
containing what was to be, In effect,
the tenth Mrs. Tulklngton. At first
the trunk seemed to ludd nothing but
a few i od artificial Honors and some
liny, lumped In one small corner. I
lifted these. There was nothing else
In tho trunk! The red llowers, as I
looked at them, assumed a meaning
they were a wreath for the head; the
liny wits sewed to n narrow band.
There was extremely short hay. Pie
tines of Hawaii and the South Sim
Islands Hashed on my brain. I saw my
Susan or. n sandy bene':. In my im
agination I could see nearly all of
the beach nnd ncirly nil of Susan!
I felt sick; suddenly and extremely
sick! So this was to be my wife!
Tills was to lie the tenth Mrs. Tulklng
ton! I could feel the cold por,prn
tlon oozing nut of my pores. My
Susan In a hay hi-ip shade and a
wreath of red petunias!
I hardly dared turn my eyes toward
trunk Number 11. I dared not raise
tlin lid; I could think of notb'nt; but
Eve Eve In the Garden of Lden, 1
lifted tho tnink by the handle and i
shook It. Nothing I There was ab
solutely nothing In that trunk' And
be.vond It stood trunk Number 12.
And I eyom! that stood trunk Num-
her l.'ll
I went down the stairs slowly. Five
times I stopped and stood, trying to
overcome the trembling of my limbs; '
tr.vlng to regain my usual composure.
This unseemly business bad gone far
enough; trunk Number 10 might do
for a Lady Mercedes, but for a re i
spectable American wife no I The ,'
tenth Mrs. Tulklngton might please
Lord Algy but ns for pleasing Angus- .
tus Tulklngton- no I I met Susan in
the ball. I grasped her arm firmly
"Susan." I said, "I have had enough .
of this! I have had plenty of Susans." I
"Augustus!" she cried, nnd threw I
her arms around me. "Augustus, I
have had more Augustuses than I
could bear. I want Just my U Augus
tus! I want my plain old Augustus !" ,
"And I." I snlil lirlsldv. "wnri notli. ,
Ing bin my same old 'susnn. Tills
... ...
vvnoie tiusiness lias been nothing but
Idiocy. We can vary the monotony of
our iiiatrled existence without cowmlt
tlng Imitation bigamy by retail and
I was tremendously relieved, for I
admit now that I had been trillion
dously frightened. The tenth Mrs.
Tulklngton had upset me.
"Susan," I whispered firmly, for I
was not going to let her cnnie under
the Inlluetico of Amelia Tltlieis anch
or moment, "go up to your room ntid
prepare for a Journey a Journey with
our own husband, You nro going to
Palm Heuch with our Augustus, a i
spectahle hanker and married nnn.
In five minutes the car will be at fie
door. Hurry for wo have no time to
waste. Put Susan I" I added as she
turned to hurry up the stairs. "Su
san! Will you tell me one thlr?g?
What was In the eleventh trunk?"
"Nothing, Augustus,'.' she said, her
hand on the rail.
"And In the twelfth trunk?" I naked
with a deep breath.
"Less than nothing, Augustus," naiil
1 .shuddered to think of what a vv'fe
may he capable when drivvn to It by
deadly routine.
"And In the thirteenth truni, Su
san?" I asked hoarsely.
"Why, you old silly, my mm
clothes," said Susan with a laugh;
"the clothes I was wearing when
Amelln and George came."
"Oil!" I said stupidly. "Oh! Well,
you've no time to pnek anything;
.vou'll take tho thirteenth trunk."
From Palm Peach 1 sent u Inrge
cheek to George Tlthers, and he nnd
Amelia were gone when we returned.
That was several years ago, but I can
not persuade Susan to allow me to
have those twelve trunks thrown out
of the sforeroom In the attic.
"No, Augustus dear," she always
syas, "I know now that monotony is
the one great curse of married life,
and I love jou so dearly, Augustus,
that I want always to have a few of
dear Amelia's trunks to windward."
Two Wlvca and Two Children Seem to
Be the Limit of the Pygmy's
A pygmy family rarely If ever com
prises teore than four to five persons.
A husband usually lias only one wife,
and never more than two, while two
children Is the average number, three
being considered too big a family to
rear. Tho babies are Interesting little
creatures, but to me they seemed to
compare .ery favorably with white
baliles. says a World Wide Magazine
The pygmy makes n good husbnnd
nnd father, though bo Is not averse to
giving his wife a sound beating when
her behavior seems to lilni to merit
drastic punishment. Partlcnhiily no
ticeable Is the low opinion which most
of the tribes outside the finest zone
have of these ipns-r little people whose
thievlni: propensities have earned for
them classification with pests like the
hyena and tho Jackal. One native
spnke of them In my hearing us "wood
rats" nnd spnt contemptuously ns ho
did so.
Britain's Debt ts "Scalawags." i
What chance of success In life had j
.Titmos Cook, who Is honored through- ,
out the I'ngllsh-spcaklng world as ex
ploror navigator? If he were In his
native illago today we can Imagine i
lilm being picked out by some earnest
reformer as nn example of the hope
less state to which boys "on the land" 1
are condemned. Ilefore bo was In his
lions ho was employed In scaring
crows, and when twelve years of ago '
he was apprenticed to a shop-keeper In
a III tie fishing village near Whitby.
He was evidently wither a ".scallywag" i
the Ilrltlsh empire owes much to Its
stnlVywiigs and his master cancelled
his Indentiiies. London Dally Tele
Most ncmnrkable Bird.
The honctzln of I'.ritlsh Guiana Is
one of the most remarkable birds In
the worlJ. Almost as soon as It Is
hatched tho young hnactln crawls
out of tho nest bv using Its wings us
forefeet. Tho "thumb" and "forefin
ger" of the wings have daw.s with
which the young lilni dimbs nbout the
branches. As soon as tho wings grow
strong enough to support the bird In
the nlr the claws disappear. The New
York Zoological park has Just got the
first spedmens ever to ho held In
eaptlv lly. Youth's Companion.
Ju3t "Line Upcn Line."
It Is not the spt.ri nt the start, but
the continued, unresting, unl'tistlng
advance that wins tho day.
Mrs. Robinson Tells How She
Found Relief by Taking Lytlia E.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
Amnrillo, Texas-" My back was my
ATcntost trouble, it would ncho so that
It would nlmost kill
mo and I would havo
cramps. 1 sulForcd in
this wny about thrco
years: then a lady
friend n uk pcs ted
thnt I try Lydia E.
Pinlchnna vegeta
ble Compound. I have
had better health
since, keep house and
am able to do my
work. 1 recommend
tho Vegotablo Com
P?und to my friends ns it has certainly
imfnn irt rrrnnf i-vl(nf " Til I'd f1 l lJrrj
Kivon mo (treat relief. " Mrs.C.B.RoB'
INSON.G08 N. Lincoln St, Araarillo.Tcx,
Tho Vcpctablo Compound la a splcndit
iicdicino for women. It relieves tho
troubles which cause euch. symptoms aa
backache, painful times, irregularity,
tircdand worn-out fcclines and nervous
ness. This io Bhown ngnin nnd again by
nuch letters as Airs. KobinBon writes
ns well as by ono woman tcllinganother.
These women know what it did for
them. It Is Burcly worth your trial.
Housewives mako a nroat mistako in
nllowing themselves to bocomo so ill
that it la well-nigh impossible for them
to attend to their necessary household
Life s n burden when tho body
la racked with pain. Everything
worries and the victim becomes
despondent and downhearted.
To bring back the sunshine take
The national remedy of Holland for over
200 years; it la nn enemy of nil pains re
sulting from kidney, liver nnd uric add
troubles. All druggists, three oizes.
Look for tho namo Cold Medal on voxy
box and accept no Imitation
The Startling. Fashions of Yore.
lie went up with his mother to
"help" her clenn the attic. lie was
Just five years old. In the course of
tlie digging-out prncesi some fashion
magazines of 1S03 were unearthed.
Upon spying them, he Immediately be
gan to turn over the pages.
"Oil, ninmmii," he ciled, when be
saw the wasp wnKts nm (lowing
trains of a generation ago, "the ladles
haven't any legs." Kansas City Star.
Hla Wlfe'o Mortification.
First lie What did your wife say
when alio read that you were pinched
for speeding nt 00 miles an hour?
Second Ditto Oh, sho bad n fit.
She's been telling everybody I could do
75 1 Judge.
Table etiquette may be learned In
the home, but you get nil the new
wrinkles by dining out.
Back Given Out?
T T'S hard to do one's work when every
A diy brings morning lameness, throb
h'mg lmcknchc, and a dull, tired feeling.
If you suller thu, why not find out the
cause? Likely it's j our kidneys. Head
ache, dizziness and bladder irregulari
ties nuiy give further proof that your
kidneys need help. Don't risk neglect!
Uso Doan's Kidney Pills. Thousands
havo been helped by Doan'a. Tlicy
should help you. Ask your neighbor!
A Nebraska Caso
J. A. U HtlllKas,
1420 15tli Avonuo,
Central City, Nob.,
Bays: "I had nn nt
tnclc of lumbago
nnd I wns In pretty
hnd shnpo. I had
fihurp, it li o o 1 1 n k
pains In my sldca
and nil through the
nmnll of my hack.
The muscles in my
Blden hurt nt overy
move I mndc. I took
fitiniit twn hnxna
of Donn's Kidney Pills. Doan's
straightened mu up In flno shape."
Ctt Dou'i at Any Store, 60c a Bos
ftLk FLIC3. Neat.
cheap. Letts
all leuon. uade of
metal, can't plU-.or
tlporrr; will Dot toil
or Injure anythlnif.
(iaiiranteeu tlftctltti.
Bol'l. by dlT, or
6 by EXl'itnS3,
crvDad. 11.23.
UAWJUi UV'MMa, Hi Do KoU Ave, Urookljm. N. V.
Uray. thin, atraurslr
batr laakea oeupla
lool: rery old. It
in t nrcemanr a.
bottle o( O Ilan Hair
Color Kestortr will brink' bae'e original color
quickly etopt dandruff At all Rood drncpUli,
75c, or direct from H.i.Clj. CiraJtU, Hraai,, Two-
Now Is tho Time to Get Rid of Theio
Ugly Spots
There's no longer tho slightest need ot
feellnir afliumcd of your freckles, as Othlna
! douHiH stronKth la guaranteed to remove
thes' homely spota.
Sl.tiply get an ounce of Othtne from any
drugitlat and apply a little ot It night and
morning and you should boon see that even
the worst freckle havo hrgun to disappear,
while tho Hunter ones huvo vanished en
tlroly. It Is seldom that mors than an
lunie ll needed to completely clear the
il.ln and gain a beautiful, clear complexion.
II- sure to null for tho duuble-strength
Qthino, as this ts sold under Kuarantee ot
.money bach If It falls to remove freckle.
I IW .Midi
fprtM- .-r-ai