A
Qorman Humor.
Jlie feadency of tho German comic
rfi (o employ continuously tho
mmo characters um "producers of
nlrtli" (H the subject of nn article In n
Ik-rtin pftjxjr by I.tidwlg Htuicr. Tho
wrUef mcntloiiH oh the tno.st consplcit
mil of the funny llKiirca the absent
tnlmlod professor whoso hiihltual tun
irlfa losing proclivities have mnile
ncnccHllonH laugh. This llgurc hud Kb
origin of. a time, ho hiij'h, when tho
tnnri of letters was n holplcss person
In the ncllvo world a dreunier dwell,
lag In realms away from tho aeltinl
hdiI therefore blind to his Htirroiiuil
Ings. In this form ho Iiim been rep
tnsCJ)(ed In (he comic papers. Hut
;onnany, be think, not the professor,
Jias been and Is iK'ing carleatured. The
jjrofeMSor lodny must be a wldo awake
mail, for Moloney, is no longer an Is
land. 'IIhiho are not the days for sleep
ami for dreams. Another abided char
iicKsr N the lieutenant who. having no
ifoo (o light, is always i.hown as untit
ling coixpioHtA where Amor has com
rnantl. The old maid is auother of the
Ktm'lc flKtires, and one of eipial itnpor-
laneo Is Mr. Nowlyrich. Of the latter
it Is wild: "He Is always full of fear I
litid suspicion. lie knows that he has
$M'c: misplaced, and he sways from
wide (i side like u timid rope walker.
This malccs him really funny, and wo
must laugh at his unties."
Too Slow to Be n Soldier.
In a room on the top door of a Inrgc
factory a. lxy was amusing himself by
Kuing through the bayonet exercise
widi n long handled brush In lieu of a
i-Illo Ills Ikws, coining ickly upon
lilm, gave him a box on the ear for
wasting ids time. The sudden blow
caused the lad to lose Ills balance and
Tall down t lie hoist shaft, but fortu
nately he kept his hold on the brush,
the bundle of which, getting across the
KliaCI, broke bis fall and enabled him
1o grasp tho chain, down which he slid
In Mfely. The Inna was horrllied atj
the effeci. of his action and rushed j
?rvn(lHe!i and gasping with fear down
the eight Highlit of stairs to tlie base
nueul, exporting to ilnd a mangled
trndy for which he would have to ac
count lie was, however, Just in time
?o ee the lad drop on his feet un
harmed, ho, recovering his self pes
ticssloti and his breath, ho exclaimed:
"Want to bo a soldier, ehV Well,
you're too slow for that Why, man, I
can walk down all those stairs quick
er than you can fall down tho hoist
ttbnft"- London Answers.
Toward tho Pole,
lev eight feet thick on tho ocean and
Know fa lline; even in summer such Is
tho wealher experienced in the polar
ffvt'fons. WJiou tho air Is dry and still
Jl Is remarkable bow low a tempera
ture can be borne with ease. One ex
plorer lells us that with the thormoino
Str at I) dogrecH It was too warm for
t-lialing. Tho summer weather in this
region h, moreover, In some respects
jjilensant and healthful. Within the
urctle 7.one there aro wonderfully col
ored sunrises and sunsets to bo seen.
They are both brilliant and Impressive,
llul the nights tho nights are monot
onous and repelling. A rigid world
Juried In everlasting snow, silent save
for the cracking of tho Ice or the wall
of the wind. Travelers in these re
gions experience many discomforts.
The keen air causes their skin to burn
and blister, while their lips swell and
crack Thirst, again. lias been much
wmplaincd of, arising from the action
of the low temperature on the warm
body
Clave It Up.
A friend of the writer recently made
application for a public appointment I
a small Scottish town, and. thluktn
that hlo chances of success would '
greater by a little Judicious cam
lug, ho resolved to call upon a feu
the town councilors. In whoso ha
the appointment lay. Of the ci I' d
nitarlcs' position In ptlva.e lfc
knew nothing. .!ourne.lng to tin- b
In question, ho hired a cab at tie r.i
way station and requested the i
to take him to Councilor Meets. ,
treasurer. Tho councilor wiir. i"
in his blacksmith's shop shoehi : ,
horse.
"I'll see somebody of more Impor
tnnce than this, anyhow," said the can
dldate to himself, and, turning to the
driver, lie said, "Drive me to Councilor
Maltland's olllce."
The cabman thereupon drove him to
the local joiner's shop. This was
worse even than the smithy, and In
despair he ejaculated:
"Drlvo me to Councilor tlray's."
"I am Councilor Cray, sir." replied
(he cabman.
The answer staggered the candidate,
lie quietly paid his fare and disap
peared, resolved to leave his fnte in
(heir hands without prejudicing them
in any way in ids favor. London
Standard.
When Lifo Was Little Valued.
The Uli'i capital offenses which the
old English law recognized as punish
able by deatli did not keep down crime,
and with the aboUMon of the deatli
penalty for all crimes but murder
crime in England, as well as every
where else all over the world where
the death penalty has been modllicd,
lessened markedly, notes the l'.cUon
Traveler.
Eduinnd Ibirke said that he could in
!.'s time obtain the assent of the
house of commons to any bill that car
ried the death punishment.
A man's life was not very valuable
In those strenuous days. If lie scratch
ed his name on Westminster bridge.
If he wore a wig or false mustache or
any other disguise on a public road, If
lie cut down a young tree. If he stole
property wordi more than $l.'J."i. if lie
had been transported for crime and re
turned a day ahead of the expiration
of his term of punishment. If he wroto
a threatening letter, if lie stole a hide
from a tanner's, for any and nil of
these things and for 100 more than
these he was hanged by the neck until
lie was dead.
AppreolaUd the autifut
That it Is not always well to put
on one's dowdiest garments when one
goes to visit the poor Is the tno-iil
of a story told In an (English in, :
zlne recently. There etc ' . i
lenthroplsts, act-on. nu t i'u
a professional and in-
teur. The profc:- mi, had i
to take the innate .
Blum dwellers in i i 1 1 I
don. At the appo nil .
teur, who happen1- n a du
ll great beauty, a: mm' I nl the li
uf her friend, a da..ilnur apparition i.i
court dress, tiara mid .ic els 0'i.
my dear." gasped the pinfc I'liial.
falling helplessly ,t- the nearest
chair, "don't you ivn 'nit we are
going to one of tin- lowe.-t and mist
squalid slums' I can t puiiiilM' that
you will bring nnj ol that hack with
you." Hut the beauty only laughed
"That's all right." she said. "I quite
understand you lint poor people love
beautiful things. Their children espe
cially are captivated with tine drives
and feathers, .lust wait and ,ou will
see!" And the professional did see.
Those poor, half starved, half nakel
t'.iiun dwellers had eyes for no one but
the dazzling young beauty who had
done them the infinite honor of comhig
to see them In her most beautiful
frock and Jewels.
Mild Hazing.
The proprietor of a plumbing estab
lishment downtown baa a poor opinio
of goat Initiations. A young tuna,
dapper nnd twenty, camo into his
plumbing shop nnd asked to see an ex
pensive porcelain bathtub. The pro
prietor explained at length the good
qualities of n certain make.
"This seems to lie an excellent one,"
said the young man.
Without warning ho jumped Into the
bathtub, drew his coat closely around
him and exclaimed: "Quick, turn on
the wnter! I want to try it."
The proprietor thought he was In
sane and. soothing his head. said.
"There, there, you're all right."
"Yes." the young man . gurgled
splashing in the Imaginary wa(er; "K's
very comfortable."
Then he In'gan to squirm and splut
ter. "Quick, quick!" he cried "Turn off
the water! I'm drowning!"
"Walt till I reach the raucet." said
the proprietor softly, side stepping to
the telephone
Just at this moment two other young
men. a trille older, enteied.
"Well. Hobby, had your bath?" they
Inquired.
"Yes."
"Then come down to the vegetarian
restaurant and order a side or roast
beef." New York tSlobe.
n u
1A v t
if Br -sdl
Loading Freight by Cards.
"I don't know whether the practice
is still kept up in tho far south, but 1
remember how tickled I was at seeing
the method used In loading goods into
freight cars down In Mississippi some
while ago," said a railroad ninn of at
Louis.
"A lot of strapping black fellows will
be on the Job under the supervision or
n white man, who will he issuing or
ders with great volubility. 'Put this
aboard the king of diamonds; take this
to the ace of hearts; load this on the
ton of spades; this to the jack of clubs,'
and so on. and then you'll notice each
one of the long Hue of freight cars lias
tacked on It some one of the fifty-two
cards composing a full deck. The Sen
egamblan loafers for the mosj. part
were Ignorant of letters and figures,
but every man df them knew the paste
board emblems which he had often
handled in games of seven up. 'That
next to craps is the chief diversion of
tho colored sports of nixie." Balti
more American.
Not Much News.
In the sumiucr of l'.ui:; an exploring
expedition hot out from Cook inlet,
Alaska, In an attempt to climb Mount
.McKinley. the hlghoM peak on the
I American continent The.v went in
with a pack of cayuses through a hun
dred miles of tundra and then strug
gled for weeks over glaciers and
through terrible hardships, to emerge
j at last on the Chulitna river, down
I which they rafted to civilization, as
represented by Cook Inlet.
As they came in. worn, ragged, al
most dead from exposure and hunger,
a tall old man strolled up-diore with
four white men's dogs, says Itobert
Dunn in "The Shameless Diary of an
Explorer." They asked him the news
of the world.
"Waal, yer know the pope's dead,"
he drawled, "and tho cardinals held a
sort of convention and elected a new
pope,
"Roosevelt bo's agreed to complain
to the czar of Itooshia about them inns
sacrecd Jews, and some one's killed
that Queen Dragon of Servla trying to
Jump her claim to the throne. And
Itoosliln's going to fight the Japs. The'
ain't much happened this summer." i
Only Night Air at Night.
Speaking of Florence Nightingale
and her efforts to keep the world
."healthy, it seems pertinent to make
special mention of her mission in be
half of the open window at night. In
tho early years of her labors much nn-!
intelligent opposition to this method
of ventilation because of (lie supposed
Jiarinfulno.ss of the night air was ex-
jiressod, but Miss Nightingale had one
wlock argument in support of her posi
tion, it being (he question, "What air
Hindi wo breathe at night but night
alrV" )t was unanswerable from her,
opponents' point of view, even if it did!
Tint always convert them, but It did
lead a countless number into saner
trays of living and along the way to
Che present methods of treating tuber
culosis, Hoston Transcript.
Gamntized Oils.
The following advertisement of olive
oil is tiie work of a Hlo Janeiro linn:
"Ours oUvcb oils have garantlzed of
fllis quality. Diligently fabricated add
jaitralcd, the consumer will Had with
Diem, (ho good tas(e nnd perfect pres
ervation. For to escape to any conter
lolt, is necessary to requlere on any
Itiotles this contremurc deposed con
Jformnbly to the law. The corks and
tlhe iKUfts hare nil marked with tho
are.1' Case and. Comment
"Toe Housekeeping Instinct.
A bright little girl who had success
fully spelled the word "that" was ask
cat by bar teacher what would remain
after the "t" had lieen taken away.
"Tin cups aud saucers." was the
ljupyt reply.
Seir Composed.
Wie )le Is a person of perfect ense
nnd possession nnd is thoroughly at
home anywhere. Ho Yes, he even has
(the faculty of making you feel a (otal
Klranger in your own house. London
U'Ji-HltH.
Cruel Spring.
The talk hi the village hostelry had
been on the subject of vegetable
freaks, but at length it veered round
logouts.
"Did ever you keep a goat, Bill?"
Inquired a gray whiskered gentleman
in a corner seat.
"Did I ever!" answered (ho little
man addressed with rustle familiarity.
"I bought one last Christmas what
nearly brought me to tho work'us.
Eat anything, from tins o' blackln to
llatlrons. that goat would. Lucky
thing for me the spring killed It."
"I didn't know the seasons affected
goats," (diserved the gray whiskered
gent Ionian.
"Who's talkin' nbout seasons?" camo
the reply. "It was the spring of our
alarm clock what 'c made a meal of
one day as done It!" London Express.
Generally the Case.
"I wish you would mention this to
Jinks. It is highly important"
"I'll mention It to him today."
"But how do you know you will see
him today?"
"I'm bound to bump Into him. I owe
hhn money." St Paul Pioneer Tress.
No Mercy.
Mistress Sarah Jnne, what lias hap
pened? Sarah Jane Oh, mum, I've
fallen down tho stairs and broken my
neck! Mistress (tlrmly) Well, what
ever you've broken will lie deducted
from your wages. Sydney (N. 8. W.)
Bulletin.
He Could Not Will.
"Can you lend mo a fiver, old fel
low?" "Surely I can."
"But will you?"
"Ah, my will power has utterly do
rted me these days!" Town Topics.
Good as a Corkscrew.
"Do you know how to take n tight
cork out of n bottle without a cork
screw?" was asked by a woman the
other day at a gossip party. "It's a
mighty good thing to know in nn
emergency. i
"My sister and I were coming back '
from the mountains, and she got faint
on the cars. 1 had a bottle of aro
matle spirits of ammonia In my bag. !
but when I tried to get the cork out I
simply couldn't make it budge.
" 'Let me take it out for you.' sug
gested a man h.-wi the aisle.
"Then, borrowing my pockelknlfe
and using Ids own with It. he removed '
the cork In a JilTy. He inserted the j
blades on opposite sides between the I
bottle and the cork, each one turned
hi a different direction. Then when
the blades were firmly pushed .in lie j
simply pressed the two together, gave
them a wrench sideways, and tho cork j
camo out without any trouble. I have ,
since tried it on larger bottles with
success. It is a trick worth knowing."
Exchange.
o yov got up
WItfH A I.AMK BACK?
Kfchtej Trouble Stakes Yott Miserable.
Almost everybody who reads the news
papers is wire to know of the wonderful
cures made by Dr.
Kilmer's Swamp-
Print tVin trmif tUt.
lrr&'rJ ne' ver ntK klad
- ft f &H. 'J ,-der remedy.
It is the great med
ical triumph of the
nineteenth century;
discovered lifter years
of scientific research
by Dr. Kilmer, the
eminent ktducv aud
bladder specialist, aud is wonderfully
successful in piomptly curing lame lxick,,
uric acid, catarrh of the bladder and
Hright's Dir-eiibo, which is the worst
form of kidney tiouble.
Dr. Kilmer's Swamp'Root is not rec
ommended for everything but if you have
kidney, livir or bladder trouble it will be
found just the remedy you need. It has
been tested in w many ways, in hospital
work and in private practice, und has
proved m successful in every case that a
special arrangement has leen made by
which all readers of this paper, who have
not already tried it, may have a sample
bottle Mint free by mail, also a book tell
ing more about 8wnnip-K.oot,iinil how to
findontjfyouhnvt kidney or bladder trou
ble. When writing mention reading thjs
generous offer in this paper andsend your
..! i.. -v.. it:i - fvLW
uuururis m j u , is.unn.-i
& Co., Hingh.-unton, i
N. Y. The regular
fifty-cent aud one-
dollar size Ixjltles are Homo of owamvltoot.
sold by all gtxtd druggists. Don't make
any mistake but remember the name,
Swamjt-Root, Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root,
and tlu address, l'ingliantton, N. Y., on
HSIHF-ZZHl xJ1u.a44aQ
every lwltle.
A
t vVioi-r- -j jriffiu.. -
ff. 1JM
.4rg,:C-:'?t?',
Murdered by a Statue.
The death of Keiillh. the half myth
ical king of Scotland, was one of the
most curious nnd remarkable In his
tory, If It may be called a historical
fact. It seems that Kcnlth had slain
Cruthlintus, a son, and Malcolm Duf
fus, the king anil brother of l-'ennella.
She, to be revenged, caused Wlltus. the
most Ingenious artist of the time, to
fashion a statue filled with automatic
springs and levers. Finished and set
up this brazen Imago was an admirable
work of art. In Its right hand Wlltus
placed a ewer and in the left an apple
of pure gold finely set with diamonds
and other precious stones. To touch
this apple was to court death. It was
so arranged that any one guilty tif such
vandalism would Ih Immediately rid
dled with arrows shot from loop
holes in the Ktnluto'.s body. Kenlth
was invited to see the wonder and,
kinglike (and Just as Fennolln hoped).
Hied to pluck the imitation fruit He
was Instantly riddled with poisoned ar
rows, dying where ho fell.
0. A. Nelson
Veterinary Surgeon
and Dentist.
Office. Ilrick H-trn
Still Ahead.
A congressman says he was riding
in a smoking car on a little one track
road and In the seat in front of him
sat a Jewelry drummer. lie was one
of those wide awake, never-let-any-ono-got-the-better-of-hlm
style of men.
Presently the train stopped to take on
water, and tho conductor neglected to
send hack a flagman. A limited ex
press, running at a rate of ten miles
nn hour, camo along and bumped the
rear end of the first train. The drum
mer was lifted from his sent and pitch
ed head first against tho seat ahead.
Ills silk hat was Jammed clear down
over his ears. Ho picked himself up
and settled back in his scat No bones
had been broken. Then he pulled off
his lint, drew a long breath and,
straightening up. said: "Htilly gee!
Well, they didn't got by us anyway!"
Got His Wish.
At the height of their nightly quar
rel the other day Mrs. Blank choked
back a sob and said reproachfully: -
"I was reading one of your old let
ters today. James, and you said In It
that you would rnthcr live in endless
torment with me than In bliss by your
self." "Well, 1 got my wish," Blank
growled.
The Dolphin Violin.
Tho Dolphin violin was so named on
account of tho beauty of the wood, tho
back of the Instrument resembling the
color of n dolphin. It was made by
Stradlvarius in 171-1, and It Is consider
ed the most beautiful violin In the
world. It Is owned by an Englishman
nnd Is valued at 3,000. Musical Home
Journals
&$ MAKE A GOOfl INCOME
mm muM.,Miraui'itta,tut wow.,. B
i.-n .u ant (f, li,. kH , .. -., ,i, - ,..,. - ,
. oV.,.1 ..". .."?." "-""'. ""-" w"l
.,...;,: -.?" "
,hu,.rJ::..-"..i,:. """" '
.,., -.,,,,.,, print latttlt
rplo:il rami Scone, Mionlni,' Stonk RhIaIdc In
ESTERN CANADA
Some of tlie choicest binds for Krnhi jrrowtntr
stock r.iisiti;: nnd mixed fnrniiusr in tho new dis
tricts of Snskatchcwiui and Alberta li.ivo re
cently been Om-iu'iI tor Svttlonient under tbo
Revised Homestead Regulations
Entry may now bo madu by proxy (on certain
condltlon-s), by the (nthcr, mother, boo, dauchtcr.
brother or shier of nn intendimr homesteader.
Thousands of homcMemls of ItX) acrca each aro
thus now easily nvailnblo in theso great irraln
trrowlm:, btock-ralslu nnd mixed farming sec
tions. There yon will find healthful climate, good
neighbors, churches for family worship, schools
for your children, nood laws, splendid crops,
and railroads convenient to market.
Kntry ftc- in each case is SI 0.00. for pamphlet,
"Lai.t Best NVtfst'purtlcnlarK as to ratc, routes,
best time to cu nnd whero to locate, apply to
WW. nrCNN'BTT
yil New York Life Hide. Omaha. Neb.
Canadian Government Apcnt
Slar0rillingM3cl!ineCo.,Akrao,0
i H
wL
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60 YEARS
EXPERIENCE
ijmTjja
Trade Marks
Designs
Copyrights Ac.
Anyone nonrtlinr n nl.ct rli nnd dwicrlpt Ion my
Quickly lucorultt our opinion froo whether an
tlvKiitlou l probably pitcnlnhlo. Communica
tions HtrioUyconUdeutlul. HANDBOOK onl'aionu
aontfree. Oldest nupiu-y for sucinitip pitonKv.
I'Htouts taken thrniiuh Jliuin A . receive
ijxclal notice, without chnrao, In tho
Scientific American.
A hnniMomply llhntrMiHi weekly. I.nrecat clr
riitiitlon of nny hcIoiiiIUr journal. Terms, $3 a
yoir: fmir months, II. Sold byull tiowwJpnlom.
MUNN&Co.3B,D'h'a New York
llrani.il Olflco. C25 V ft.. Waslilimlun. U.U
Mercer's
Barber Shop
Basement of
Potter Block.
Massaging
a Specialty
m INSURANCE
I against Plre, Lightning, Cy
clones and WindstorniB, boo
!oMO. B. STANSER,
nent for tho Farmers Union lasur-
aiice Co., Lincoln, Nob., tho boat In
surance company hitho s'ste
City Dray and Express Line.
V, TV. 6TUDKBAK15B, PROP.
Goods Delivered to any part of the city.
Charges as low as the Lowes!
CITY AGENTS FOR ADATS EXPRESS CO.
Residence 188.
TELEPHONES,
Offieii9.
tVvfavia-iid4vvuiabiirUAfridu;uUita"ib
4
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that our prices avkhaok lower, or at
least as low, as thoso of our competit
ors, but bkoausk wo take ospeoial care
of and protect all can bo classed us
REGULAR CUSTOMERS.
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PL ATT & PRBBS CO.
Coat. Lumber.
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