,X.SSRSiww s V ..1 If if r V s 8 s i SX.i WHEN WE DROP THE BROOM AND NEEDLE. When wo drop the broom and needle and beneath the falling lcaes Take the long, long sleep that coined to Will an angel come to comfort every soul that sits and grhnea, With a message clear as writing on a Saying, "She that passed away, though her feet were made of clay, Bore a hcarfas chaste aa gold, Though she woic the coiiiinon okc, every ayllalile she spoke Was uplifting, glad ami bold. No indifference or dlidain kept her free from other' pain. . Life waa precious to lief, every drop. Tor the querulous complaint, for tlio breath of scandal faint, She had necr time to Htop. She hai gone, but.ntlll her fare, like a sun beam, haunts the place, And the memory of her foot upon the Like a bre'eze upon the brow, like a per fume from a bough, , Put an end to sighing, mourning and despair." When the silent voices call, and the dajs and years shall fall, .Silent fall, like the leaves upon the lea, Will the angel speak such words of you and me? , , Good Housekeeping. X11KH AS GOOD AS GOLD. MMiwKsa8rBflHirrtHUt IT was n pleasant place the old mill where ltlln Clinton lived with her father, and where his father had lived before him. rur llfty yearn the biiHy wheels had turned .u their plaeeH, and tnoriiliiK "Her morn ing, iih boy and mini, Peter Canton had listened to their music, until ho felt iih If he could never be content to live or ole nnywhero else. It wiih a lovely landscape, too, Hint was spread out before him as he looked out fiom the mill window, with pretty Kltn peeping over his shoulder. In the tops of the elm trees life wns beginning to stir, for It wua the llrst brlKlit day In May; and down In the short, green grass, the sort wind eiept long with niurmu'lng enrcHses. There weie apple trees full of blush ing bloom, and oer them red-breasted loblns were twUtcilug. "All," said Rltn, with n long, wish ful bicnth, "shall we not be happy when It Is all our own? Those smiling hollows nud little drenms of bills, that green lane and the beautiful meadow, and best of all, this dear old mill." "What would you do, child," said the old miller, without turning his head, "If you had to give It all up and go away to a sttange place V" "What do you mean, papa? Surely theie Is no such danger as Hurt for us?" bald Kltn, opening wide her blue eyes. The old man sighed wearily, ns he turned away from the fnlr landscape. "Papn, you would not leave this denr home? Why, If I were In the fairest garden In the world, 1 should dream of the old stone mill, hear the sound of our laughing waters, and die of homesickness!" "Illta, dialing, you do not mean what you say?" "I do, Indeed, papn. You are vexed about thnt little mortgage, are you not?" "Little, Itita? It Is a hundred nml llfty dollars, and llfty Is all 1 have been able to save In these lust two yeats." rtl know It," returned Rltn, with n bright blush; "but, papa, only last night Gustnve said ho would buy a share In the mill, und then you can pay the debt that so worries you!" "When you and Gustnve marry but when will that be?" "Next summer, papa. He will hnve no money until then. Hut wo cnu all wnlt a little to be so nappy I" Itltn laughed merrily, but old Tcter Cnuton groaned. "Now, papa, something else troubles you. Let me share your secret, that Is clouding your face In the midst of all this sun shining." "Rita," said the old man, slowly, "you iove Gustnve dearly?" "Surely, papn, with the life of me." "And you could never give lilm up to mnrry another?" "No, no! Why, pnpn, trouble has liewlldered your brain." "Yes, little Rltn, I fenr It Is so. Old Toudeldorf, who held this mortgngo, to his own loss, for It was duo Two years ago, lias sold It to his nephew, and the young mnu demands It at once, with Interest." "Not Hafe Vondeldorf!" exclaimed Itltn, with Hashing eyes. "Yes, Itltn; and he will make only one compromise." "What Is It?" she nsked, with n sparkle of determination In her blue, beautiful eyes. "That you will consent to be his wife, my child. Then he will never trouble me for the money. And. Hltn, ho Is coming to-night for his answer." "Oh, papa!" sighed Kltn. softly, "Is there no other way to save you such distress?" "lie Is u rich young tuau, nud can give yon a better home than Gustnve can provide." "What care I for his gold when be In lugs no true heart with It?" "Hut he loves you, lay child" "No! He loves only himself, nud he would not even regurd n snered prom ise, when I should bo his wife. Papa, never wish me such a fate as that!" "As what, Miss Ulta?" It was ltafo Vondeldorf, who hntl stolen In upon them unawares, who put the question. "Wo were talking alwut lenvlng our home, Rafo Vondeldorf. Do you know It would brenlc my father's heart to leave tho old plnce?" "You need not leave It, Miss Rltn." "I mil not speaking of nivself, but of him. Ills peace of mind Is dearer to ine than my own pleasure! A thousand times dearer!" "There Is n way to Insure It." "There inny be more ways than one," she snld, thoughtfully. "Why look further, Hltn? You can pay your father's debt, If you will." "Did yon know, when you came here, Rnfe Vondeldorf, that 1 had promised to be Gustavo Foder's wife?" "I I had beard such a rumor," ho replied, stammering. "It Is not rumor merely, but truth! Wofild you make a perjured woman your wife?" "I would do anything to win you, Itita. You shall pay me for the old mortgngo!" "I have no money," snld Illln, cold ly. "Hut your denr little linnil, fnlr Rita that Is ns good ns gold." As good ns gold! What nut thoso words Into his mouth! Little he knew, us ho stood watching her delicious young beauty with eager eyes, of the train of thought he had started! "How long will you give me to de cide?" she nsked In a low voice. "You may choose your own time. Hut If your answer Is 'no,' the mill must be soldi" "You may go now, nud a week front to-night I will give you my answer." There was nothing els for him to do, for Itita had turned her bade on him. and wns leaning over her"7nther with n flushed but eager face, He drew IT fierce luciitli of desire, ajHie thought to himself what n treas ure' lie would gain, nud then turning nwny, went down the valley out of sight. Rita's heart was dancing with in her, for she leinemb'ered she had what was as good as gold, nnd thnt with thnt treasure, she could buy her father a full cup of Joy, The next dny Rltn was missing from tho mill, nud neither her father, Gustnve, nor Rnfe Vondeldorf knew where to look for her. Just as they were preparing to search for her, Gustavo received n note, saying tho wedding outfit was purchased, ami he should be ut the mill with their old pastor, the next night. "Gustnve, she will mnrry Rnfe. She Is cruel to nsk you to come!" Hut Gustnve trusted the girl he loved, and so he waited pntleutly for her arrival. .lust nt dusk she came home, nud after kissing her old father nud put ting in his trembling hand a purse of gold, she turned to Gustnve, who waa watching her curiously. "Gustnve, will you make me your wife to-night, and come to help father with the mill?" "Yes-but take oft the little cap, Rita. It makes you look ho odd." "My little cap," Inughed Rita. "That Is to be the badge of my wifehood, Gustnve. You must lenru to like It." Then Rita stood up with her lover, and promised to be his true nud loving wife; over them the good old pnstor stretched his bauds In blessing, nud the old father kissed them nnd called them his children. Then Itltn took off her odd little cap nnd burst Into tears. "My glory Is gone, dear Gustavo. Do you love mo less?" "Rltn!" screnmed her father, "you have sold your beautiful golden hair! The golden glory thut wrapped you like a veil Is gone!" But Gustnve held her In nts strong nrms and k I used her, and so she found cournge to tell the story: How the old merchant who had stopped ut their bouse one night, had looked at her wonderful hair, and of fercd her two hundred und llfty dol lars for It, telling her that In nil his life he had not ween such n treasure. "It Is ns good ns gold," he had snld, and when Hafe had used the same words, ncchlentnlly, the thought had Hashed through her mind thut so she could redeem the denr home, nud mnr ry her Gustnve. Rafe Vondeldorf was bitterly en- raged, when he came for his answer, to Hud Rltn already a bride, aud he took the money obtained In such a strange wny, with n very bad grace; but the three hnppy hearts In tho old mill minded bis anger very little, for the debt was honestly paid, aud Rltn, dear, fair Rita, would never die of homesickness. Saturday Night. Young lew Crim Patrons, Every duy a big freezer of lee cream Is made In the Senate restaurant. No Senator ever eats Ice cream In the dny time, and the few Indies who take lunch lu the restaurant rarely call for It. The chief patrons of the frozen food nre the page boys. The love of these youngsters for Ice cream surpasses nil understanding. It Is u purely Juveulle tnste, nnd they In dulge In It to their hearts' content. The substantial sandwich, the succulent pie, the ninety and nine other things that a sensible man would select for his lunch have no attraction for tho bright little fellows. They wiwt Ice cream nnd plenty of it. At lunch time hnlf n dozen pages can be seen bury ing their noses into henped-up plates of Ice cream, while their faces are the very mlrrorH of contentment. If It wasn't for tho pages the ice cream freezer would have to go out of business. Washington Post. Missed Ills Cham-. During his lecture to chlldtcu nt the Society of Art, Mr. E. Walter Mnuu der told his audience uu Instructive story. A certain lecturer In astronomy observed that some of the students were not paying due attention, "Mr. So-and-so," ho called out to one of them, "will you be good enough to tell us of what tho corona Is composed?" The student nddressed hesitated for a moment, nud then blurted out: "I did know, sir, but I've forgotten." The professor looked nt him, nud then ex claimed; "What a calamity! Hero we have tho only mnn who over knew the composition of the coronn, and he has forgotten!" Loudou Chronicle. THENEWCENTURYSOUTH FACTS PROPHETIC OF THE COM. MERCIAL RISE OF DIXIE. Tim Ilrmarkaliln Inttuslrlnl Achieve ments of the Last Klght Years Atlan tic anil flulf Ports That Am Fronting by the flrowth of Commerce. Tho half of the continent lying south of tho Ohio nud of tho Plntte Is loom ing up ns an unconquerable trade mag nate, with probably unshakable deter., initiation to do business, on the near est snlt water. Tho Southern States, In their remarkable Industrial nehlvc ments of the last eight years, are more than re-enforcing the territory of the Mississippi nnd of the Red nivcr of the North. Between the Iron, coal aud timber of the South nnd the agriculture of the Southwest there has arisen a spontaneous Interchange that seems to grow by Its own force. The cotton mills below the Mason nnd Dixon line, contrnry to former custom, send their output straight to the dry goods and denim merchants of the Mississippi nnd the Missouri, Instead of the regions dispatching their or ders to Boston and New York. Wagons from Georgia nre ranking their wny Into the farms of Oklnhoma nnd Ar kansas, while Kjjnsas City Hour nnd St. F.onlfl corn, Kansas City hide's and St. Louis shoes go ns far ns North, Cnrnllnn and Eastern Tennessee. Cool nndTrou from the" vicinity of Birming ham and Knoxvllle nre taking the con tracts for the building of tilt steel freight cars to ply on the Southern ronds. St. Louis has long since made use of the hard woods of the South to fortify Its position as the principal manufacturer lu the United States of car furniture, of street cars, nnd the like. Since the Spanish war has brought the trade with tho West Indies Into prominence the heavily capitalized and determined Illinois Central has been seconding the efforts of the peo ple of New Orleans to mnke that point the principal port of entry for trade with not only the ndjncent Islands, but with South America. To some ex tent the pressure of this movement has been felt nmong the South Ameri can firms whose headquarters ore nt New York. Mobile, ns the terminus of the Southern Railway, nnd as the nearest seaport for the Iron Industries of Alabama. Is growing In the volume nnd variety of Its articles of com merce. I'ensncoln Is strengthening ns one of the principal ports for the tramp steamship traflic in the South n trnllle which wont to New York nnd Boston, Philadelphia and Haiti more before the awakening of the South nnd the perfecting of the rail road lines. Again, along the Atlantic const north fiom Florida to the Chesapeake Bay, Brunswick, In Georgia, Is be coming the largest shipper of hard wood lumber. Charleston and Savan nah nnd carrying cotton manufac tures, furniture, etc., to Europe, South America and South Africa. At Nor folk Is a harbor naturally the strategic point for tho trade of the whole South Atlantic slope. Five or six railroad systems concentrate In the city, nnd It has recently been fixed upon by n number of cooperating railroads ns n live stock shipping centre. With New port News. It drains the conl and Iron fields of West Virginia, somnwesiern Pennsylviinln nnd Eastern Ohfo. The commerce of Newport News Itself ad vanced from $3,250,000 lu ISSTi to $28, 100,000 In 1809. Over on the western boundary of the Southern States Memphis moves along swiftly with lis lumber mills nnd Its Interstate trnfllc. Justifying Its assumed name, "the Gate City." aud practically completing a cordou-of ac tive, advancing cities nround the aren In which wns waged the civil strife of the sixties. All these cities nre com petitors of the North nnd East. They are carrying business toward the South nnd West. Where the States In the vicinity of St. Louis und Knn sns City lack manufacturing estab lishments to support their position ns Jobbers, these communities supply the lack and Join forces lu the Gulfwnrd tendency nnd In the tendency toward the South Atlantic. Where the States In the vicinity of Atlanta or Jackson may lack In the staples of the soil, the West supplies them. The geography of It nil Is against New York. Arthur I. Street, In Alnalee's Magazine-. lit nix! hounds For Itnllnruy Hevtlee. Bloodhounds nre now n part of the equipment of the Oregon Short Line. The hounds will be kept nt certain sta tions In Utnh. Wyoming ami Idaho, where their presence Is thought to be most needed, tne character of the country nud the small number of In- i.ni.itniitu iiffnrrilnir excellent onnor tunttlcs for the operations ot train rob bers. The moment thnt wort! of a train robbery reaches the rullrond otllclnla a speclnl engine nnd enr containing a pack of bounds will be sent to tne scene ut full speed and with resolute right of wny. Tho bloodhound speclnl will stop at nothing until It arrives at the spot where the- bandits were last seen. Experienced men In charge of the dogs will put them on the trail. Denver Evening Post. Lundoo loltc T'arrn. The metropolitan police of London number 13,705. During the past year eighty-one were Injured whllo stop plug runnwny horses und twenty-one were hurt by vehicles while regulnttng trnfllc. The property btolen lu tho twelve months was valued at $500,000, a sum less than has been recorded slnco 1600. There were 1708 bur glaries, ngnlust 1872 lu the previous yenr. Tho number of ex-convicts let loose from London during the year amounted to 081. The public left In licensed vehicles 17,000 umbrellas and 200 wotches SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. The olive Is n comparatively recent fruit In the United Stntes. for, while It hns been grown since the time of the enrly mission fathers In California, It Is only within the past twenty years thnt It hns become of commercial Importance. A new tea company, Influenced by Dr. Shepard's success, has Just bought 0000 acres of Innil In Colleton County, 8. C Intending to raise tea for the markef. The company pnld $20,000 for tlio land, and will plant but 100 acres this season, as It is now rather lato to begin tho preparation of the ground. Next year over 5000 acres will be planted, nnd the output Is ex pected to exceed 300,000 pounds. Near Rio Grande City, Texas, an Im mense deposit of an unknown gaseous substance hns been discovered. Pieces of It Ignite quickly nnd give out n strong flame, Which lasts for n re markably long period. It Is snld by scientists that tho substauce Is either nn unknown mineral or ordinary clay highly charged with natural gas. In either case the value of the deposit as fuel Is Immense, ns It covers many thousands of ncrcs, nud is of Immense depth. -slFfo''4':t?"'t The United Stntes Fish Commission hns presented to the Academy of Nnt urnl Sciences n collection of tlsh from P" orto Rico which contains examples of new gencrn and species recently made known to science by Drs. Jordan nnd Evcrmnnn In their mouumentnl vol ume on the "Fishes of North Ameri ca." This work comprises over 33,000 pnges nnd nearly 400 plates. By Its compilation the authors have certain ly laid lchthyologlcnl science under a deep debt of gratitude. ' Banana flour meal Is prepnred by cutting the fruit Into suitable pieces, drying and grinding. It Is snld to have been used by native Inhabitants of tropical countries since enily times. Recent experiments show thnt the dried banana Is a more nutritious food than the fresh. It contains less protein than wheat flour or rice, its nutritive value resting almost wholly In Its ni trogenous elements. Bnnnnu Hour cnu be used In combination with milk, su gar, etc. In the preparation of custards, cakes and similar nt tides. A botanist In Germany hns been ex amining the flowers of Euiope with .. view to discovering what proportion of them give out pleasant odor, and what effect color hns on this point. He found thnt only 120 out of 4300 kinds of flowers have a pleasant odor, nearly all the others being offensive. The sweetest nre those with white or cream-colored petnls nnd the next sweetest. In order, are tho yellow, the red, the blue, and Inst, the violet. Out of more than 300 varieties of the violet only thirteen were found to be sweet. At the Yule observatory an Interest lug use has been found for the bicycle wheel. By llttlng such a wheel with a series of opaque screens placed nt regular Intervals and then rotating It. with the aid of a small motor, nt the rnte of from thirty to llfty turns lu a minute lu front of the cameras used to photograph meteors, Dr. Elkiu bus succeeded in measuring the velocity of the meteors' HIgbt. The principle de pends upon the Interruptions produced by the screens in the trulls of light mnde upon the photogrnphlc plntes by the flying meteors. The velocity of tho wheel Is known ut every Instaut by means of a chronogrnpblc record, nnd the length of the interruptions Indi cates the speed of the meteors. Tho UrlUsh Wolf. Britain has- been infested with wolves from that remote period con ventlonnlly termed "the curliest times." Their fossilized remains nre frequently discovered, their boues lie about the untidy floors of prehistoric caves, the bnrrow-folk made necklaces of their teeth. They nre mentloued In Welsh and Saxon laws. The Normnn, how ever fond of the "tall deer," was not affectionate toward the wolf, fur In many feudal tenures, down to the year 1430, appears an obligation to hunt him. An entry La the account rolls of Whitby Abbey (quoted by Mr. Hurt ing) records u payment for dressing wolf skins In tlie yeur 1301 posslblj the Intest strictly historical evidence ns to the English wolf. Mr. Hurting mentions n tradition Ilia one Barnes, lu the timo of Henry VIL, was nick named "Roast Wolf." because he de stroyed so many of these auimuls, which Infested Durham nud Yorkshire (according to- another legend) during the reign of Elizabeth. In Scotland, owing to Its physical character, they existed until n much Inter period. So recently us 1577 an act of the Scottish Parliament or- dnlnod a wolf hunt In ench barony four times a year. Sir Ewem Cam eron, slew the lust wolf In Lochcber In 1080., London Spectator. About Natural l'olltenttM. Good manners are not n mere matter ol form. It Is, of course, essential thnt there be some staudnrd of deport ment, but tne garment of formal po liteness Is rnnlly assumed, and may conceal depravity. True politeness, the klud thut cannot bo counterfeited, Hutls Its source in a good heart; sin cerity Is Its chief clement. To bo polite In the true sense, one must be well mannered lu thought nnd feel ing. If n mother brings her children up to be self-risiiectlng, sincere, and considerate of others, sho need not drill them much In the external forms of politeness. Sho may rest assured that they will have innnte good breed lug, which Is a key to ninny of tile world's storehouses of success nnd happiness, Julia Wurd Howe, In Success. ENCLAND'S NATIONAL DISH. Consul at Liverpool Nays It Is Now Jam Not Ileef. A wholesale emigration of the Amer ican smnll boy nnd girl might seem probable If the latest report of James Boyle, United Stnte Consul nt Liver pool, should be dlssemlnnted among the youngsters. For Mr. Boyle makes the astonishing statement: "It Is prob ably a fact that Jam nnd not beef Is now the nntlonnl dish of the British er." Mr. Boyle points out thnt, except so far nn the very noor tare concerned, Jam or marmalade is on every English brcnkfnst table, and nn almost univer sal "sweet" (the English for dessert) nt luncheon nnd dinner Is n compote, stew, or tart, of which the chief In gredient Is preserved fruit. Mr. Boyle says: The English people arc the largest consumers of Jam In the world. It Is probably the fact that Jam and not beef Is now the national dish of the Britisher or, at any rate, Jam (Includ ing marmalade) runs bacon n close second. As the United States Is now supplying a large proportion of the beef and bacon consumed In England, she can also, by proper metnoas, cap ture a great s'laie of UlP tl'"l2 jH JanT, preiefVes' etc., In this coliGlry. It Is well known that nowhere In the United States can better American fjeef and bacon lie bought than can be bought In England, and many Atnerl can visitors declare that better Ameri can beef can be had In London nnd Liverpool than can generally be ob tained in New York or Chlcngo. Ship pers of American beef to this market understand that they must send over the very best In order to compete with the home nnd colonlnl product. The English trade In jams nud pre serves Is increnslug nil the time. A great revolution is go!n,g on In the Eng lish table, more especially nmong the middle nnd working classes. Whnt were n few yenrs ngo expensive delltn cles. found only on the tables of the well-to-do, are now to n great exteut articles of dally consumption by the musses, Now York Tribune. The Senator and the I'rlnce. There Is n Canadian Senator who once bought n newspaper from the future King of England, aud be hasn't got over It jt. When Prince George was doing his sen-service he wns sta tioned some time nt alli '.ifnx aud he used to run out Into 'tlio surrounding country on little expeditions. He wns returuiugonoue occasion by trnln from a flying trip to n nearby village when the Senator encountered hltn. The Senator, who, by the way, was the Hon. Thomns A. Teinpie, of York County, New Brunswick, and Is known ns a rather pompous individual espied the Prince sitting In the smoker sur rounded by n pile of newspapers, and wearing his undress naval uniform, th enp of vhleh bore some resem blance to that worn by 'H uniformed trulnboy. "Here, boy!" called the Senntor sharply, "Give me a paper." The young Prince looked up and quietly handed the lawmaker one of his papers. The Senator flshed out two of the cumbrous Cuuudlon coppers nnd held them out. The Prince took them gravely, nud luy them ou the seut beside him. Senntor Temple found out Ids mis take, und wns a very unhappy man, for if a Canadian Senntor does not reverence roynlty, who does? New York Sun. Italy's King Studies 1'olltlca, Victor Emmuuuel III. Is new to par liamentary life, as during his father's iclgu he kept quite out of politics. The only time he Is ever known to have expressed an opinion wus after the disaster of Adown, when he came ex pressly to Rome to warn King Hum bert ugnlnst Crisp!, his reward being n mouth's confinement lu a fortress. He Is now extremely busy studying the practical working of Parliament, to which end every Deputy hns free audience to him dally ut 11 u. m. He Is represented ns a man of sterling honesty, so that this initiation iuto political intrigues cannot fall to tie a great disillusion, but will materially help to u Just estimate of persons and things. He certainly starts well equipped for the nice, ns no. sooner lmri he ascended the throne than by a series of ucts he gained, nt on& bound, the love nud coulldeucc of the nation, which before had been someUilng less than lukewarm. Now what Is- required for a triumphant lluish Is to prove him self above all energetic, nnd to have the true Interests of u su.terlng coun try nt heart. So far ho has shown every disposition to rultlll this Ideal. How to Vo u AtadAtoJie. In Central Ohio n number uf people have been bitten by mud dogs, und the mudstone Is having all It can do. This Is the metuod of treatment: A small incision Is mnde In the skin of the patient, preferably ou the hand. Then the stone, which. Is about the size of the end of a man's thumb, nnd translucent, is placed uikiu the cut. If It sticks there the patient Is infected. If it does not there Is no fear of hydro phobia. Such is the popular belief. If the stone sticks It Is allowed to stny there until It Is filled with the poison of the disease, which tnnkco the stone turn palo green In color. The Demon Calculator,, According to the Newcastle (Eng.) Chronicle, an Industrious calculuUr has beeu searching out some interest- lug facts concerning the new century. He jKiliit:. out that the twentieth cen tury will contain 30,525 days, which lacks but one day of being exnetly 5218 weeks. The mlddlo duy of the ceutury will be .limitary 1, 1031. Fif teen out of the hundred years will be gin on Wednesday, aud tho same num ber on Friday. Fourteen will begin ou each of the other days of the week. THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Wise Man Oetllns: Into the Whirl High Art A Prolonged Agony Tho Chief "Dlnarenre" Short Lesson A Itnrat Longing, Ktc., Ktc. He keeps a cat for exercise She knows what she's about; To let her in, he has to rise And then to let her out. Soon he must let her in once more And so it noes all dav: That man gets muscle-work galore Who keeps a cat, I say. ' r Detroit Free Press. . Qettlng Into tho Whirl. "Is Mrs. McSwngger a member of tho swell circle?" "No, she Is simply clinging o the periphery." Columbus (Ohio) State Journal. -, 'iiuitfSW ' "rfT Jll. .! ' a., i High Art. "Oh, Mabel, where did you gel such a lovely braiding pattern for your Jacket?" "I copied It from my brass bed stead." Detroit Free Press. . J4.f3 i A Prolonged Agony. C "Henry, you're such a sleeper. I'm sure you'd like those arctic nights, six months long." "No; you're mistaken. In three months you'd begin by telling mo It wns time to get up." Chicago Record, The Chief "IHrrorenco." Tommy "Sny, pnw, whnt Is the dif ference between nn amateur poet and n professional?" Mr. FIgg "The amateur poet, my boy, Is the one tint keep the profes sional starving." ludlnunpol.s Press. Short Lesson. Little Nephew "Is It true, uuclo.t thnt the bark grows thickest on one side of a tree?" Old Uncle Grout-"Yuss!" Nephew "Which side, uncle?" Uncle Grout "The outslde."-.Tudge. A Itural Longing. "Sny, our bookkeeper is foolish." "What do you mean?" "Why, he says when he gets old ho wnnts money enough to go out and live where he van sec the moon go down behind a hedge." Chicago Rec ord. Large Dlsconnt For Cash. "If the late Collls P. Huntington's fortune was equally distributed throughout tho nation every man. woman nnd child would get n dollar." "Sny, ol' boy, I'll assign my dollar to you for a nickel in cash." Cleve land Plaiudenlcr. Sound Argument. Arabella "George, Jcar, I want some money." George "Why, I gave you a check yesterday." Arabella "Yes, dear, I know, but the doctor said I was to lutve plenty of change." Plek-Mc-Up. j Ho Had Ileen Kxposed. "Whore are you rushing so fast?" "Up to the health otllcv to get vac clnnted." "Eh! Been exposed?" "Yep. Telephone girl thfs morning gave the pesthouse number by nils take!" Cleveland Plnindoaler. A Veteran. Ethelluda (who has been singing her new songs without a sign of approval from Felix) "You nre tiresome,- Felix you have no enr for uuisfe." Felix (artfully) "Never mind, dar ling, I have au eye for beauty." (And Ethelluda was soothed.) Pick Me-Up. More In Sorrow Than Anger. "Judge," said the lady who was ac cused of battering her husband, "It Is true thnt I struck him, but the weapon I used proves that I did so more In sor row than lu nuger." "Whut did you hit him with?" "A sud Iron. Your Honor."-Baltl-more American. A llasls of Settlement. "Did Morgan give you the lie?" "Yes; and his second hns Just been trying to ndjust mntters peticeubly "Showing the white feather, .oh! What did he propose?" "Thnt Morgan should withdraw thf epithet If I would admit the fact." Leslie's Weekly. Itrlggs's Justlflcntton. Brlggs "Bertler Is an ass, that's what ho Is. Ho Is always ou the wrong side of every question." Hurleigh "But ho sayB the same thing of you." Brlggs "Well, and doesn't thnt prove whnt I say of blm?" Bostou Transcript. A Different Point of View, Wllllo (crying) "Mamma boo-hool Joe hit me with a great big brick. Boo-hoo!" Mamma "And whnt did you do to him, denr?" Willie "I hit blm gently with that Bnme little brick he throw at me." Harper's Bazar. On Second Thought Less Vicious. A henpecked man being told thnt an old acquaintance wns married, ex claimed, "I mil glad to hear It." But, reflecting a moment, he added, In n toue of compassion and forgive ness: "And yet I don't know wrfy I should bo; he never did mo nuy harm." Tlt-Blts. Admiration. "Do you think that orator knows Just what ho Is talking about?" a.tjued one auditor. ' ' "Of courso he does," answered Iho other. "But we don't. Thnt's tho point where he demonstrates his men tal superiority and commands our ad miration." Washington Stur. 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