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- - NEBRASKA.
LOVE, THE BEGGAR.
"Child, beware : hare a care :
Loie is false, and Lore Is fair:"
Soys the graadatne at her wearing: ,
"If he come with timid wooing, -
Or with bolder words pursuing;
Listen not, he is deceiving.
For your future hurt and grlevlngs
Love is erer false and fair!"
"Love is fal: Love is fair!
Trust to xne to have a care:"
Says the maiden; "I believe her.
And if Love, the bold deceiver.
Dares to come -with lipsa-smiltng.
Or with honeyed words beguiling.
I wfll float kirn! I w:ll soout him!
All bis witcheries reviling 1"
Says the maiden, gayly smilinz, .
"Trust to me to have a care:" "
"Let Hie In! O let me in!
For swee; pity, let me in!"
Cries a voice in woeful pleading;
Quickly bow .the maiden, speeding
Opes the door, and fhere i lying
Beggar-boy a-sobblng. sighing.
Locks of pold wet with dw.
Rosebud mouth, eyes of blue.
Seeking hers in mute appealing.
Dimpled hands In hers a-stealing.
To her breast, silken nest.
Tenderly the maiden tola him.
-Crooning softly as she holds him.
Till he gently sinks to rest.
"Have a care! child, beware!
Any semblance Love can wear!"
Cries the grandame at her weaving;
"Watch him well: LU him tell
(Though for that there's no believing)
What bis name, whence he came.
For mayhap 'tis -ore deceiving!"
"Naught care I what his name V
Says the maiden to the damo.
Flaming up in sudden passion.
Seemlier I trow 'twould be
If your speech took other fashion
Than to rail at chanty!
As for this poor babe a sleeping,
Evn now m dreams a-weeping.
(Pretty, dear! have no fear.
Nought to harm shall come a-near !)
If "tts Love as you say"
"He will show his wings some day!
To your ruing and undoing.
Show his wings and fly away!"
"Wings the fleetest huh, my sweetest !
T will bind past all untyinjr."
Says the maiden, softly sighing;
"J will hold him. safe enfold him
Love shall never fly away!"
"Lore is fale! Love is fair!
Silly maidens to ensnare!"
Sighs the grandame at the weaving;
Love brings ever bluer grieving, '
And a weary weight of care '.'
Love Is true! Love is fair!
"Every ill of life beguiling!"
Sings the maid with lips a-smiling.
"Love is tender, true and fair!"
Good Ilouteltrping.
A TREASURE CAVE.
JL "Wrecked Sailor's Advoaturo on
Penan? Island.
For two weeks, upon a certain occasion, T.
Jack" Tar, able seaman, belonging to the
port of Plymouih, and liaviug scarcely been
taught to read aad write, was worth my
millions. I had more clear treasure under
my hands than would have bought the
Aston, the Goulds, and the Vauderbilts
combined. It is a curious story, and though
I can tell it only in a plain, sailor-like fash
ion, it may be of interest.
The Straits of Malacca, as you all know,
is that narrow body of water between the
island of Sumatra and the Malay peninsula.
Beyond are the Java Sea. the islands of Java
and Borneo, and if you sail far enough you
will bring up at New Guinea. As you enter
the Straits from the northwest you have
"'Acheen Head on the richt, biing the butt
nd of Sumatra, aad Penang Island on the
left, this latter lying off the Malay coast,
and being for years the rendezvous of
pirates. Up to 1S5S-9. at which time British
cruisers shelled this island so often and so
vigorously as to kill off even the monkeys,
from IWO "to 1,000 Malay pirates lived on
Penang, and preyed on the commerce pass
ing through the Straits. They had a sort
of government of their own, a fleet of fifty
light craft, and they often sailed a hundred
miles out into the Indian Ocean in search of
merchant vessels.
In those days nearly every merchant ves
sel carried an armament and extra men,
aad a tussle with pirates was counted on
with as much certainty as a change of
weather. Between lS-w and 1S5S no less
than thirteen English vessels were cap
tured within fifty miles of Penang Island.
Include in this list those taken from the
Americans. French and Germans, and the
total number would be at least twenty-five.
In 1S5C the uirates attacked a Russian cor-
-vctte which had anchored in the Straits to
Tepair damages, and although she finally
beat them off, it was only after a conflict in
which s,he lost half her crew. Theybecamo
so bold before they were driven out that
nothing was too big for them to attack, and
they were utterly reckless as to danger.
Well, sirs, in the summer of 1S.V I was a
foremast hand on the Liverpool ship Castle
Groat, bound throueh the Straits and be
yond, and we came within sight of Acheen
Head without having noted a suspicious
craft. We had six cannon, plenty of small
arms, and a full crew aboard, and for the
last two days we had beftn ready for any
thing which might turn up. I can remem
ber that we ratherhoped for a scrimmage, for
we knew what a murderous set they were
and wanted revenge, but it was the opinion
-of the officers that we should go through
-without a shot. The pirate fleet seemed to
be away on some expedition, and the best
glasses aboard failed to make out any thing
of a suspicious character.
We came up with Acheen Head about
:f our o'clock in the afternoon, and the wind
all at once died away. The tide was against
-us. and the ship was allowed to drive over
-within a mile of Penang Island before being
brought up with theanchoron a sort of mid
dle ground, which pave the iron a good hold
in five fathoms. It was proposed to wait
here for the tide to turn and for a favoring
breeze, as the channel was not then thor
oughly surveyed: but in less than half an
hour the clouds began to bank up, and it
-was seen that a storm was at hand. Just
before sundown we got it from dead ahead,
and it came with great fury. The heaviest
gale could not have kicked up much of a sea
" in that spot, and as we had every thing snug
aloft, no one felt any uneasiness. Ten min
utes after the storm struck us, and while
everybody but the watch on deck was under
shelter from the downpour of rain, I was or
dered out on the jibboom to secure the fly
ing jib, which had been carelessly stowed.
I felt as safe as I do this moment sitting in
my chair, but I had not yet performed my
- before sundown we trot it from dead ahead.
task when a sudden heave of her bows, ac
companied by a shake to starboard and port,
as if the ship was an angry horse, loosened
my hold and dropped me into the boiling
sea. One can never tell how these things
occur, but personal careltmeni is at the
-
1 IUIU UU UlUWAllft UC1UCUUUU31J UA4U,
laadif Icriodont-whichl have no recollec
tion of loin?, no one on deck heard it. I was
swept away from the ship is an instant. In
deed, when I 'fought my head above the
foam and,' sprang up in the water to look
around, the rain and spray bad hidden the
ship from sight.
I had no doubt that I was driving straight
out into the Iadian Ocean, but I do not re
call that I was frightened or in despair
Sailors take more ttose, shares than any
other class of men in the world, and, as a
rule, they depend more on luck to bring
them safely through. I turned onmy back,
being a good swimmer, shipped as little
water as possible and thanked my stars that
the uproar had temporarily driven the
sharks to deep water. In almost that very
location, a year before, I had seen a shark of
such dimensions alongside the ship that eve
ry one aboard had been called up to view
the monster. His length was estimated at
thirty-hvo feet, and he could have bitten a
bullock in two at a snap. I fought off all
thoughts of my peril, knowing that if I got
rattled I should soon go under, and in about
half un hour I felt sure that 1 heard the
noise of waves breaking on shore. It wasn't
live minutes later when I was driven over a
coral reef outside of Penang Island, and in
live minutes more was on the beach of the
island itself. The last of the tide, aided by
a current, had carried me to the pirates,
headquarters instead of out into the ocean.
The storm still held, making the afternoon
as dark as evening, and, though I had care
fully husbanded my strength, and had been
in the water only half an hour, I crawled up
beyond the run of the waves, and lay on my
back a long time before I could walk about.
By that time night bad set in, and there was
little danger of my being discovered unless
I ran against somebody. At this point the
forest camo down almost to the water's
edge, and my first move was to get under
cover. I had hardly moved back into the
woods when I heard voicas, and knew that
several men were patrolling the sands. Had
I been three minutes later they would have
found me.
The loss of a foremast hand to a ship with
a full crew is of little conseque-'-e nothing
to bo compared to the loss of a sky-royal or
a few fathoms of a new rope. In his case he
is logged as gone overboard, and his effects
are sold at auction. In a week he is forgot
ten, and the chances are that no one ever
receives the back pay due him. If a sail is
lost, the money to replace it comes out of
the owners' pockets, and they may criticise
the seamanship of the captain. I would be
missed by the mate after a few minutes, and
he would report that I had been shaken into
the sea and drowned. No boat would be
sent out after the storm abated, and no boat
would coast Penang Island on the chance af
my having reached it. The ship would pro
ceed on her way as soon as possible, and
whatever was dona for me must be done by
myself.
About eleven o'clock that night the storm
abated, the sky cleared up, and a light wind
came out of the northwest to help the ship
on her way through the Straits. I distinctly
heard them weighing the anchor, and but
for fear of sharks would have swam out to
her. She was too far off to make my voice
heard, even had I dared to raise it. As soon
as the rain and wind ceased I heard voices
plainly enough all around me, and a shout
or two from me would certainly have result
ed in my discovery. Bedraggled, chilly and
disconsolate, I wore the night away, and at
the first signs of dawn I crowded further
back into the woods. The island to-day is
mostly cleared, having been burned over
several times, but at that date it was a solid
forest. The tropical vegetation was needed
by the pirates as a cover. They had erected
several barracks and storehouses, and these
were in a natural opening about half a mile
below the spot where I was washed ashore.
At that spot was an opening in the reef,
with a natural harbor. Before moving I
looked for the ship and found her gone, and
then I knew that I must depend solely upon
myself to get out of the scrape.
I went back into the dense woods for a
mile before coming to n halt. There were
parrots, monkeys and snakes in plenty, and
the vegetation was so dense that I could
hardly penetrate it. I saw from the first
that there was an abundance of wild fruits
and coooanuts, and in going the mile I came
across two fine springs. No matter how
many people there were on the island, I
stood a good chance of escaping them as
long as I held to the woods, for there were
no beaten paths, and the tameness of the
birds and monkeys was proof that they had
not been much disturbed. The sun came
out hot after awhile and dried my clothes,
and when I had picked up a breakfast I sat
down to plan. I had been through the
Straits several times, and I knew the nar
rowest part was at least two hundred miles
below me. There, opposite the islands of
the north coast of Sumatra, the Straits were
not over twenty miles wide, and the chan
nel ran within five miles of the Malay coast.
If I was to get off by way of a ship, I must
find and steal a craft of some sort, and either
put to sea or reach the mainland and follow
the coast down. I, however, failed to settle
fully on any plan, and finally went to sleep,
andthougb the monkeys and parrots chat
tered in my ears, and a dozen snakes may
have crawled over me, I slept like a log for
many hours, and awoke to find the day
nearly gone. I therefore hunted about for
supper, hid myself away in a lot of vines,
and put in another night. Next morning I
had a narrow escape. I was moving about
in search of breakfast, being now very
sharp set. and had climbed a tree to get at
some wild fruit, when I heard a iwrson
making his way through the forest, and
soon thereafter a Malay passed directly be
neath me. He was fancifully dressed, heav
ily armed, and without doubt one of the
pirates. He was moving cautiously, but not
like one in search of any body. and. after a
minute I dismissed the fear which had
arisen at sight of him. I had not been seen,
and it was hardly possible that my presence
on the islaud was suspected. As may be
supposed, I kept very quiet until the fellow
had passed out of heating. What troubled
me most was the fact that he disappeared
in the direction I intended to take, thereby
giving rise to the fear that there were set
tlements on both side3 of me. However,
after about an hour, I beaded down the
island, and when I had gone a couple of
miles and found no break in the fevest, I
was somewhat reassured.
The country soon became very rough and
stony, and. although this rid me of the
thickets, I had to cross some ravines which
tried my legs exceedingly. When I had
crossed two I descended into a third, and, as
it seemed to trend to the east, which was
I very nearly my direction, I followed it in
stead of clambering out. At the bottom was
a rivulet, which probably became a river
after a long spell of wet weather. I kept a
sharp lookout around me, but there was not
the slightest evidence that anv one had ever
passed that way before. After a walk of
half a mile the ravine bore off to the left,
and I selected a spot to climb out. It was
right among the thick bushes, in order that
the noise I should make would frighten away
any lurking serpents, and I had drawn my
self up about fifteen feet, when a bowlder on
which I stepped sank under my feet into the
earth, and as I went over backward I heard
a smothered yell from the earth. I was ter
ribly scared for a moment, and as I picked
jTMU up I listened for a minute or two to
see If the sounds would be repeated. All
was quiet, however, and Iteized a bush and
pulled mysoir "up ttowneTO the stone' tod
sank. There was a hole in the earth as large
as a bushel basket, and J saw that a care of
some sort existed below. It took five minutes
of lodTcing'around to' find it; as-the mouth
was cunningly hidden" by Trnea.'but as soon
as found" I knew that human beings had
been there. It was a hole about twenty-Jive
feet long-, and at the spot where the cave f
was it was twenty feet high. I could enter
the mouth only on hands and knees, and I
did 'not ro far in tmttl the light which came
down assured me that it was racaut. And
yet it was- not.' As I crept ia to where the
rock had crashed through I found that it
had fallen upo-i a man very probably the
native I had seen early in the morning. He
had been sitting down, and the big stone had
fallen upon his head and crushed him out of
shape. The yell I heard was his death cry.
I was ready to crawl out and take to my
heels as I made thus discovery, br t another
detained me. The fall of rock an I dirt had
knocked over a torch which the mat. had
lighted, and now a bit of flame flared up all
of a sudden to show mo that the cave con
tained boxes and baskets. I dug out the
torch, b'.ew up the flame, and became dumb
with astonishment. It was a treasure cave
the receptacle of the pirates' plunder.
I have been told by Malays, who may have
been Penang pirates, that under the rules
which bound those rascals together a
treasurer was chosen for every gang.
Every thing of value was turned over to him
to care for, and once in about every two
years he made a division of the spoils. This
treasure had to be zealously guarded, and in
this instance it was so carefully hidden that
no one but the treasurer could have found
it. He had come in advance of me to add
fresh plunder to the great store, and there
were jewels in his hands as ho lay there a
bloody mass.
Some of you may doubt what I am going
to tell you. but there is abundant proof in
the Royal Museum, in the old files of the
Timer, and yet in my own possession. The
treasures of that cave amounted to millions
upon millions of dollars. It must have been
the bank of a thousand pirates, and it had
probably been several years since a division
was made. Many of tho baskets and boxes
were of European make, but there were
many of native manufacture. The pirates
had not stored away silks and velvets and
laces. They had no such common stuff as
that. The treasure consisted of money,
watches, diamonds, rings, bracelets, car
rings, watch chains, charms, and whatever
else could bo called jewelry. There were
crosses and badges and medals by the score,
and no less than six jeweled hilts of swords.
There were at least fifty gold chronometers,
and I verily believe the number of gold
watches would have reached five hundred.
Unlettered and unlearned, and brought up
to look on a 50 note as a fortune, I would
not have believed that the world held so
much money as I found here. There were
English. American, French. German,' Rus
sians, Swedish, Belgian, and all other sorts
of paper monev, and gold and silver was
heaped up until my eyes were ready to an
swer for hat pegs.
Strange how human nature works! Be
fore finding this wealth I would have given
a j-ear of my life to know that I could make
the next hundred miles in safety. I had no
sooner got my eyes on the great wealth
than I bean to figure oa how I could keep
evervlast shilling of it. I would not go
without it. A quarter of an hour ago I was
alarmed at the slightest sound. Now f
would have faced and fought the. whole
pirate gang. I never suspected I had such
determination, or that I would care so much
for money. It took me a good while to cool
off and calm down, and then I found my
self in favor of sticking right there. I was
like two men arguing. There wasn't one
chance in a thousand of my getting off with
a tenth of the plunder, and to remain there
was to invite discovery. Then the other
chap, as it were, argued that 1 was a fool to
leave such wealth behind, and that I had
only to remain in the cave to be hidden from
any search that the pirates might make.
As a result I stayed. There was fresh
water at hand, plenty of wild fruits around
me, and the only unpleasant thing was the
corpse. As soon as my mind was made up to
stay I pulled it out from under the stone and
buried it in the bank as weu as i couiu witn
onlv a stick and my hands to work with.
There was no alarm that day, but on the
next day I had no sooner eaten a hasty
breakfast and returned to the cave than I
heard men in the woods. From an hour
after sunrise to sunset the pirates were con
stantly coming and going through the
ravine, calling to each other and to the miss
ing man. It was the same for the next
three days, and the hunt was given up or
extended far beyond me. They may have
reasoned that the man had sailed away from
tho island, and I have no doubt that search
ing parties were started out by sea as well
as by land. I had to lie quiet now, and dur
ing the three days' I suffered much from
hunger and thirst. I knew the fellows
would not give up a? long as there was any
hope, and it was well that I was over cau
tious. On the fifth day a hundred or more
of them were in the ravine for several
hours, pulling down rocks, uprooting
bushes, and passing so near the mouth of
the cave that I held my breath. This
minute search satisfied them aid no one
came near me again.
It was two weeks to a day before I con
tinued my journey. On the second day after
burying the body I exhumed it and stripped
it of outside clothing, and when ready to go
I left my sailor togs behind me in place of
them. After handling every thing over and
over again I fought down my avarice and
used judgment in determining what to take.
I unset and took over eighty diamonds, up
ward of 16,000 in English paper money,
about 2,000 in English and American gold,
and a little over 1,000 in French notes.
The paper money was all bills of large de
nomination. I wanted to load myself down,
but 1 had sense enough to realize the tramp
before me. I could not, however, resist se
lecting three of the finest gold watches, one
of which can to this day be seen in the Royal
Museum at London. It is of French make,
but has never been further identified.
It was a terrible trip I undertook. For
six days I lived on fruits and berries, and
was often without water, and in this time I
did not make ten miles in a straight line,
being constantly alarmed and paying no
heed to the compass points. On the sixth
night, about midnight, I camo to a beach
and a settlement. It may have been the
one near which I first landed, and probably
was. After making sure that no one was
about, I approached the beach, hunted out
a canoe-like craft which I thought I could
manage with a paddle, and I launched it
and put out into the Straits without raising
an alarm. Wind and tide were both in my
favor, and at sunrise next morning I was
picked up by the Lord Nelson, an English
ship inward bound, fifteen miles below and
off the island. Two or three years later,
when we had the pirates on the run, I
beaded a party to secure the rest of the
treasure, but we found only aa empty cave.
Accident or search had at last revealed the
storehouse to others. -V. T. Sutu
The Government ornithologist ait
Washington estimates that the surplus
in the United States treasury would
not suffice to pay the bounty for ezter
urinating the English sparrow in Nw
York State.
FARM AND FIRESIDE.
. -When stung by a bee or a wasp,
make a" paste of common earth and
water,, put oa the place at once and
cover with a cloth.
j To gorge an animal with food only
serves to overwork the stomach in the
attempt to digest more than it is realis
able to.nnd as a result much is avoided
by the animal, and-goes to waste.
English Bread: One large cup I
bread epouge, two-thirds cup milk, two
thirds cup sugar, one-half cup hutter,
one cup English currants, one-half cup
raisins. Mix stiff as bread, knead, let
rise twice and bake in one long loaf.
Rich Currant Pie: Ono tea-cup
each of green eurrants, sugar and sweet
cream, mixed. Line a piepan with
crust, beat an csff. stir into the mix
ture, pour in the pan. lay over bits ol
butter, cover with an upper crust and
bake. Let cool and sprinkle the top
with powdered sugar.
(ierman Pudding: Butter a pie
dish and put in a layer of bread crumbs,
then a layer of apples, pared and quar
tered, then a layer of brown sugar, a
layer of very finely chopped suet, or
butter, ltepeat the layers till the dish
is full, having bread crumbs at the top.
Bake three-quarters of an hour in a
moderate oven. Serve, with sauce, or
with sugar sifted over the top. Good
Housekeeping.
A relreshing and nourishing drink
for an invalid with a weak, irritable
stomach is barley water. Wash two
ounces of pearl barley in cold water.
Put it in a half pint of boiling water;
boil five minutes. Pour off this water
and add to it two quarts of boiling wa
ter; boil it to one quart and strain.
Flavor with fresh lemon juice and
sweeten slightly.
Where one has no refrigerator and
am get ice regularly, it will pay to
make a rough substitute. Take two
second-hand dry goods boxes, one from
three to four inches smaller than the
other. Put sawdust in the bottom of
the larger one and place the smaller
one on it, and pack around with the
same. Put a tin spout through the bot
toms for a drain pipe. Put shelves
at the ends of the inner box, leaving a
space for ice in the middle. Fit tops
with hinges to each box. and set the
whole upon a block at each end so that
a pan can be set under to catch the
drip. X I" World.
NOTES ON CUT-WORMS.
Baggcstloos by Clareure 31. Weed, Ohio's
State EntouioIojfUt.
There are few insects more trouble
some to the gardner than cut-worms,
and few which are more difficult to
fight. Although there are several
species of them, their life histories are
in general similar. They are hatched
from eggs laid by night-Hying moths
and feed upon various plants, especially
attacking the stem just above the
ground. After eating a few weeks
these worms go into the ground, where
they change into the chrysalis state,
and a short time afterwards emerge as
moths, or "millers" to lay eggs for an
other brood. These pests do most mis
chief in spring, as they winter over in
a half grown condition, sheltered under
boards, stones or rubbish, and are very
voracious after their long fast. These
cut-worms are not allowed to increase
entirely unmolested, but are preyed
upon by numerous enemies, l nave
found that they constitute a large per
centage of the food of young birds be
fore leaving the nest, and that they
are eaten by toads and frogs. There
are also numerous spiders and beetles
that devour them, and other insects
which deposit eggs within their bodies,
the eggs hatching into small parasitic
grubs that destroy the unfortunate
worms.
But the most destructive enemy
which checks the multiplication of cut
worms is a bacterial disease, a kind of
insect choleni. which sweeps them off
by thousands. Last year this disease
was exceedingly destructive in South
ern Illinois, where the cut-worms had
become extraordinarily abundant, and
one could hardly walk across many of
the oat-fields without seeing at every
step the dead and dying worms lying
upon the ground.
Of the dozens of methods that have
been recommended for destroying these
pests there are three which I believe
are of special merit, and are easily ap
plied to garden practice. They are,
first, tho poison method. This consists
in killing off the worms before the
crops are planted, by strewing over
the soil bunches of fresh clover or cab
bage leaves, which have been treated
with London purple or Paris green,
either by dipping them into a solution
of the poison, or dusting it on after
dampening the leaves. The half-grown
worms prowling about in search of food
eat of the baits thus set, and are de
stroyed before doing any harm. This
method has proved a practical success
with many gardeners, and is well worth
practicing where there is likely to be
troublo from these pests. Of course
children and stock of all kinds must be
kept away from the poisoned baits.
Tho second remedy is using boards
as traps. Last spring I wished to ob
tain a large number of cutworms for
experimental purposes, so I went to a
pasture where many loose fence boards
were lying about, and found the worms
beneath them by scores. The boards
were frequently visited during the
spring and many pints of cut-worms
were collected. This experience con
vinced me that the method could often
be used to advantage in gardens. The
third plan is digging out the worms
where plants have been cut off. This
is practicable in most gardens and will
pay well, for although the worm has
destroyed one plant it will soon go to
another, and may keep it up for a week
or more if his career is not checked.
Ohio Farmer,
A PERSECUTED WOMAN.
What She Hud to Say for Tleraelf la a New
, York Police Court.
She sat on the prisonerVdock, "and
every once' in a while she mopped her
eyes with a dirty handkerchief. She
was fat. more than forty, but not fair
by any manner of means.
Justice You may as well give up
trying to shed crocodile tears, for they
are entirely lost on me. madame.
Prisoner (sobbing) Nobody has
has any pity for a poor, broken-down
woman.
"According to the testimony you
stole a pair of stockings from your
neighbor, Mrs. Smith. '
"I hope I may fall to pieces if I did.
I hope I may be run over by the caw il
I did. I hope I may take"
"Another pair of stockings?"
i"No; I hope I may take the small
pox if I did."
"Unfortunately, you admitted to the
policeman who arre.sted you that you
stole the stockings," replied the jus
tice, with a very cynical smile.
"Ho caught me by the arm where I
had my vaccinate, and it hurt so that I
was out of my head. I didn't know
what I was saying," replied tho unfor
tunate female.
"You are a tough one. Don't you
admit being in Mrs. Smith's room oa
the 20th of June?"
"Yes, your honor, I called on Mrs.
Smith and she went out and got somt
beer and we drank it. and then I left
the house."
"Yes; and as soon as you left sh
missed a pair of her husband's stock
ings. She got a policeman, followed
you into a store, found the stockings ic
your pocket, and you owned up thai
you had stolen them."
"As I told your honor before, tht
cop pinched me on my vaccinate, and 1
was out of my head when I said that."
"Your brazeness beats any thing 1
have ever seen. Have you forgottet
that the stockings were found in youi
pocket?"
"Why. Judge, them were my owe
stockings."
"What were you doing with twe
pairs of stockings one on your feel
and one in your pocket?"
"I suffer from cold feet."
"The pair you had in your pockel
didn't keep your feet warm. Besides,
the weather is not cold in June. Again,
the stockings were marked with Mrs.
Smith's husband's initials W. S. foi
William Smith. What have you got to
say now?"
"Judge, I marked them letters there
myself."
"Your initials are not W. S."
"No; but that's the way I mark all
my stockings. Half of 'em I mark W.
S."and the other half S. S. This pait
in mv pocket I marked W. S."
"Why did you do that?"
"S. S. is my mark for summer stock
ings, and W. S. means winter stock
ings. I put this pair of winter stock
ings in my pocket because I read thai
there was a cold wavo coming, and 1
thought "
"This beats any thing I ever heard
in my life, and I have talked by the
hour with Colonel Ochiltree and Eli
Perkins. I shall hold you in a $500
bond to await the action of the grand
jury." Texas Sifting.
TRUE POLITENESS.
A Pretty Story Strikingly Illustrative el
Perfect Etlqaette.
In Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft's "Remin
iscences" there is a story told by Mr.
Charles Collette which is beautifully
and very strikingly illustrative of true
etiquette. A young soldier in an En
glish regiment had been promoted from
the ranks and given a commission in
another regiment. Before joining his
new command be was, according to
custom, invited to a farewell dinner by
the officers of his old regiment, placed,
as the guest of the evening, on the
right of the Colonel and helped to all
the dishes first. He was a fino young
fellow, but little used to the ways of
the polite world and the manners of
other dining tables than the humble
mess of those days in ranks. The
Colonel, one of the truest types of gen
tlemen, did his best to put his guest
at his ease. The soup was served and
then came a servant to the guest's side,
holding a large bowl which contained
simply lumps of ice. The weather was
hot, for this happened in India, and
cool drinks were an unspeakable boon.
The new-made officer stared at the
howl. The servant asked: "Ice, sir?"
( The Colonel chatted merrily to him on
his left. Others of the party began to
see the dilemma.
"Ice, sir?" again asked the waiter.
The guest, in ignorant desperation,
took a portion of the ice and put it in
his soup. A smile played lightly on
the faces of some of the younger offi
cers, when the bowl was offered to the
Colonel, who went on chatting to the
guest, and without moving a muscle of
his face also dropped a piece of ice into
his soup. Those who came afterward,
however, took their cue from their
Colonel or let the bowl pass; and the
young man breathed the sigh of relief
as he thought that after all he had
done the right thing. If ever a soldier
deserved the Victoria cross the Colonel
of that regiment did!
m m
Caution for Talkers.
Seven is the perfect number, and if
the following seven rules were faith
fully observed they would do something
toward making a perfect man:
Before thou openest thy mouth, think
1. What thou shalt speak.
2. Why thou shouldst speak it.
3. To whom thou art about to speak.
4. Concerning whom or what thou
art about to speak.
ti. What will result therefrom.
G. What benefit it can produce.
7. Who may b listening. UniUd
I rrUVJKTUM.
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.
A law prohibiting the distillation
of liquor goes against the grain in tho
West. X. O.Picayunel
Mr. Softleigh "What, in your
opinion, is'the limit to love?'' Mrl
Hardy "Matrimony." Life.
First Lady "Has your husband
quit smoking yet?" Second Lady (just
returned from the far West) "Well,
he ought to by this time; he has been
dead six months."
Professional gamblers have a great
many superstitions. One of the most
practical is that if they deal the cards
themselves they have a much better
chance to win. Somerville Journal.
"What was the text this morning,
John?" inquired a druggist's wife who
had been unable to attend church. "To
err is human," replied the arsenic ex
pert; "and it was a mighty sensible ser
mon.
' .V. T. Sun.
Time was when the college profes
sors used to box the ears of refractory
freshmen. They would have to take a
four years' course in sparring beforo
they could do it now. Burlington Free
Press.
President "Yes. Mr. Snapper, tho
faculty have decided that you have
broken the rules, and there is no course
for us but to suspend you." Student
"H'm; how about suspending tha
rules." Xew Haven News.
MLss Pounder (who has been having
a wrestling match with the keyboard of
the piano) "Have you a sensitive mu
sical ear, Mr. Tympanum?" Mr. T.
(more candid than polite) "Yes, I am
sorry to say I have." Boston Budget.
A physician has discovered that
the older a man grows the smaller his
brain becomes. This explains why tho
young men know every thing and tha
old men know nothing. The Sturdy
Oak.
A Colorado judge has decided that
a man is in duty bound to tell his wife
where he spends his evenings when
away from home. It would save many
a man trouble if he would do just thaj
without any order of the court.
Seaside hotel proprietor (to sea
serpent in search of an engagement)
"No, I don't think I shall have any us
for you this season; I've got the promise
of a society actress, two bogus lords, a
political convention, and a scandal in
high life, and my bill of attractions is
about full." Life.
"Do you know if Brown is a man
of ability, Dumley?" "I don't know
any thing about Brown, or his ability
either, and don't want to know. Ho
refused to lend mo twenty-five dollars
six months ago. and I haven't noticed
him since." "He seems to be a man of
financial ability. Dumley." The Epoch.
First Tramp "If I had my way
I'd have 365 national holidays in this
year." Second Tramp "You would,
eh? And then there would be ono
working day in every four years. O,
you are a nice one, you are! You
would make a galley slave of the poor
laboring man, wouldn't you?" Texas
Siftings.
'Why can not women make good
lawyers?" asks an exchange. Wo
never gave the subject much thought,
but we suppose it is because they can't
sit on the small of their backs, pile
their feet on a table, spit half way
across a room in a box full of sawdust,
and charge $15 a minute for it. There
may be some minor reasons, in addi
tion, but these appear to us to be tho
principal obstacles in the way of her
success at the bar. Burdette.
UNPROFITABLE WORK.
Julias Hawthorne KipUlas Why It Dees
Not Pay to Writ Book.
We may talk about the hardships of
American literature (having assumed,
for the sake of argument, that such a
thing exists), but what would be tho
state of that alleged literature if there
had been no American magazines?
Suppose I, as an American author,
write a novel, and arrange with a pub
lisher to bring it out at the price of $1
a volume, or 50 cents paper. If ha
has confidence in the book, the first
edition will be 1,000 copies; my shara
of the proceeds on the ordinary 10 per
cent basis is $100, payable at the end
of the year. If I live by my pen I
must subsist during that year on noth
ing at all. and when I get my $100 1
must pay out of it my debts for that
last year, and probably my present
funeral expenses, for who can live on
35 cents a day, even if he were not
obliged to starve to death before ho
could enter upon the enjoyment of that
princely income? But let us be ex
travagant and Utopian let us say that
my edition is 5,000 copies, instead of
1,000. In that case which perhaps
occurs as often as once in a thousand
times my reward amounts to the sum
of no less than $500 assuming, of
course, what is never the fact, that all
the copies- sold are in the dollar cloth
form, and none in the 50 cents paper.
Five hundred dollars a year for a suc
cessful novel! How many of our
authors make twice that? How many
ten times as much? How many twenty
times as much? I will engage to
entertain at dinner, at a rouud tabla
five feet in diameter, all the American
novelists who make more than $1,000 a
year out of the royalty on any one ol
their novels, and to give them all they
want to eat and drink, and three of tha
best cigars apiece afterwards, and a
hack to take them ho ae in; and I will
agree to forfeit $1,000 to the Home for
Imbeciles if $25 does not liquidate tha
bill and leave enough over to buy a
cloth copy of each of the works in
question, with the author's autograph
on the fly-leaf. One hack would bo
sufficient, ana would allow ot their
putting up their feet on the seat ia
front of them. Julian Havthornc, ua
MttfonT Magazine
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