--F
y --
"V
t.
IT
1
THE ADVERTISER
RTISEE"
'Jl
n. w. FAiur.BOTUKn.
T.C. HACKXB.
X.C.H1CTXB.
FAIRS R OTHER .&. H.VCKEJR,
0- r s
iPAjgKBROTHER. & HACREB,
Pabllsucrs and Proprietors.
Published Every Thursday Morning
at r.Rorsviraxi.E. xebiiaska.
Publishers. Proprietor.
A D YEKTISlXa RATES .
One loch. one ynr
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111
win i i n nsar urn hi ww wmmm&r- - -, --- - - m
jrrrrwiiffigagaBHaeMMwaaBHMwaaMigMMMHBMMMieaaMiaMwwae
4 -a . - -- i : wrss3
i aH Rr nB HI IB -R WR jH s jf &H
no o
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106 7""
se
r
Kacb succeeding Inch, per year ..,
Ono Inch, per month
Each additional inch, per montb .
TKR"IS, IN AITVAMJEt
One copy, oneyear
One copy, six nHptjni . -
rtnoonnv. tfrree'tJTOTI U - ''"
sir oo
j oo
i 50
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Letniladvertlsements at lecal rates 0esn:hr"
A3-All transientadvertiscznentssanst be pale
forts advance.
t fit mm
eg" Io paper sent frosithcofnceantllpsfd t.r
ESTABLISHED 1856.
BE0WNVILLE, NEBRASKA, THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 1880.
VOL. 24.-M). 44
HEADING MATTER 0XEV.ERT PAGE J Oldest Paper in tlie State
OFFICIAL PAPER OFTHECOUSTT
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$
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4 I
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7l2S
OFFICIAL DIRECTORY.
District Officers.
? 5" 5Six I3.Z":wTrrirTAnUr:
WILMAMU .VooVRir.. Wrl Clerk.
Contitv Officers.
SAM'LM'I.RKMT
tTONV
Clerk and neeorder
- ... .irHPT
J M. KI.BfKXKH
T.rriTIP r'lMTTtrRIt-. - agM
..Jhcrltl
...Ooronei
Snn-eyor
.Seheo) SBperlntpndent
Sons lT.WHII.VAX f misslonon,
City Officers.
- t r.iKOV Mnvor
- T. rA.Hn Paiip-Jadce
. vr .r.knL "
. k 'M"l 1 . - ....--.-. - - -- -
3 R.IKVKE't-.
s A.(P2;f
2 G. KCBM
1" flerk
..TrPR.'!ure
Marsba
COTJNCrr.VEN.
W HESBY.t
JOSKTW-HTY. f
A ItOIMHON
A H II.MOUK i
r XRIWURT)
1st "Ward
..2nd "Ward
3rd "Ward
E. IIUIIAUT.
r.;-llJllll.UFijMM'
BUSINESS CARDS.
T II . BROVDY.
tj . Attorney unci Conn-elor nt Ln.
&ni.vMreio BaaU.lteDWitvineeb.
Q A. OS0N.
O. . ATTOIWEY ATU-tt;
OlHce. So. 1 Matb street. Itrownvile. eb
A R. ITOT.LADAY.
A. rlivKlclnn.Snrceon.01Ktetrlclni.
OTiCt!.-! M mi street. Brownville. &.
QTU LT. & T44 O UA S.- 1 -
O TTOUXKVS AT IjAAV.
-???,.. ox-er THewlre ITHI & Ce.'s store, Brown
v 'le.Seh.
TT, S"CrTIrK.
. ATTORM5V ATWW.
Oil. e over J. I- Mc5et'0t Bro'ssUJre. Brewnvllle.
Jfuraiki..
W7T- ROGERS.
WUlrlvHlsetatteati to anyleRlbnMness
en'nSlMrhere. OBice 1b the Key building.
r.ruv.nvlll.Xeb.
T W. GIBSON,
KUAOTCSniTIl AM) UOHSK-SIIOEIt
Vrkdne t wder BMltafaeHnKaranteed
r-r-t street. btweH Xln and Atlantic. Brown
v.""e.Keb.
P
AT.
CLIXE,
-FT!, FASIIMI -VIH.J-
M4 ROOT AM) SHOE MAKER
cr-TOX WKK BMMleloaftrdiw. and fltslway
K mi-ant. ilHiaF neadg" 2 promptly done
SjOj No. Z: XlSr.3niwiivRleeb..
TACOR MAROHN,
MERCHANT TAILOR,
and doalerln
HneEn?lIsli.Ftenrh. Scotch and Fancj Cloths
e.tins, Kir.. Klc.
Rrnwnville. Kcbraslta.
B. G. WHITTEIHORE,
DEAJEIt IN
GROCERXE5.
IPROVISIONS,
SEWING KACHINES
SF.WIXC. JIACHIXE KEPA1KS A SPECIALTY,
will iy xlf hlchost nmrket price fer "scrap
Iron hi( mgs. Main st., West Brownvllle.
BAILEY,
.sttirrsn and iikai.kk in
ltv;e stoce:
MM) H'XriLT.K, NEBRASKA.
rrmt61flle'5C'CuJI and got prices; Pwatit
In handle mr tXeuk.
ifllcr-!1: - MHlItiRl Bk.
C
HARL.E3 H15LMEK,
I'ASHIONAnE .
Boot and Shoe
n?i
&k. r -
Having bought the cus
tom shop of A. Ilobison,
I am prepared xo do work
if nil L lulls sit
&-ISM Reasonable Rate?.
- 3D;5Qf 52-U.-P ih lug neatly and
jVci promptly uone.
T " Shop No. 62 Main Street,
ISroirn r? W?, .Ychrftsfca.
HambSelonian Stallion
MoMAHON.
Recorded in Walao? Trotting Reg
ister and Eruco's American
Trotting SudBook.
Dark buy horse, rowy o Holl.ulay
Co bred lv Gen. W.T Withers. Lestncton.
Kr ircl"v AdmiiiKtralor. recfiul 'i-Ca'-,
sou of ltov4fk'sHamlletonlRn.Sireof Dex
ter reer.! 2:17';-. first dam ot McMahon,
JIa'ttteWBfc by-Vlmot, son iifUoxander's
AtHlKlteii.ke or GWilsmTrti TiIaTH. record
3:11- ,seeiR dam Monogram, iMembrlno
Chief, sire of Lnflv Thornrecord tA&i.
For extended pedigree, and other Informa
tion, call oii'or address.
CEO HATCIIETT,
Brownvllle, Nebraska.
We Mean Crt. Not Merely Relieved
And C !'- Jtytrc titint tre Claim-
BHT!Kr? .-- mo fiiilnrownnrt tio illnp-pointiucnti-
IT you ar? Cronbled wllh
HICK 1SUAUACUK u can bfi-atilyanil
tjuicUly ct:rft. :ii. tiiiudix-d lite lictn
iilrrsTdj. VtV.hnll Lx jiraecl (o mull a
fcliir"r trt) inonlnlm ta ny- futoreHtttl.
C ARta'S" LITTLE LIVER PILLS
At!H a!' frw-msof Wi niisiH-ss. pn-vnt Conli
imuttu au.. i - .ssi-. inm'ic Iigefitioji. relieve
Jiitx-- li":ii liearty euti hi, correct Disorders
rf.yjiii ."Tlr-?a wg":
miunn
late I"'" " "N,': Tlr!l jii '. ukm.jusi
unelrt'
i.ii at a A. Tfccr ar-- purely veca-
. .- . ! .11- i.'tr iitui nh si I cjinr ivr.
in m ft m T" ." .-.- . - w -- --
i rrwe'r i
r . - - .
frrtaa
'"-- :' .... .1. .. U...... L Mnn.a
rW-- lt' U
ap'iit'.be. Prio-2 cents,
- r U. rc erf.-j.t W aiail.
CKTJ'It 1II""r'3E CO-, EKIK. PA
Sold by A. W. N Ickcll. 2Tyl.
T0TFUL Kews for Boy and Girls 11
Xf rooncana uiaii j. jr.n .IN
VENTION iut patented lor tnem,
forHoajetise!
yret and t5croll Sawing, Tumin?,
Boring. Drniing.Grindine, Polishing,
Screw Cntiing. Pneei 15 to .550.
I Send 6 cit for 1 00 papa.
EFIIEA1M ER0WK, L7e!l, lUa.
I 3'!-6: 4 " ,Jt4i5f'fesft.
Nerrecs Sufferers-?he Great Snropean Hen-
eij-Dr.J.B.Sinpscn'E Specific ileaicine.
It is a positive roie forSpcr.natorrbea, Seminal
wp-iJcihv, Impotencj-, nnd all diseases resulting
from Rcll-ul)iifc.fia
JlEFOltE.
A FT EH.
lnentfil anxiety.
ps J memory.
Pnlns in UjcV or
Rid-, and diseases
that lead to con
somjitlOH.irnam ty and an early
jjrae. Tlio 8p
rlfio Medicine Is
bemir u&ed with
J'woiHlerfBl 4ucres. I'amphlets ?entfrec to all
VnU ror them and get full particulars. Price.
KlM-iflc, $1.90 per package, or six packaces for 5 on
Address all order to J. B.SIJIPSOK MEDICINE
CO.SSm. V and 106. ilaln ttrcet. HuGT lo. '. "i.
rg-Sold In lSroivnvlUe by A. VT. Nlckel!.Cyl-al
Vl'THOKIZED RY THE U. S. COYEHXaiENT.
O F-
13 Tt O TV 3WIJLX.13.
PahTvj) Capital, $50,000
Amtltovized
a
500,000
IS ritEPATtKDTO TRANSACT A
fieneral Banking Business
BUY AND SELL
OOIN & OUEEENOY DEAFT1S
on all the principal cities of the
United States and Enrope
MONEY LOANED
On approved security only. Time Drafts discount
ed. and special accommodations cranted to deposit
rs. Dealers In GOVEBNiTENT BONDS,
STATE, COUNTY & CITY SECURITIES
'DEPOSITS
Received payableondemand.and INTEREST al
lowed on time certificates of deposit.
DrnECTOR'S.-'Wm.T.Den, B. jr. Bailey, 5LA
Ilandley. Frank E. Johnson, Luther Hoadley
Wm. Fralsher.
J0HX L. CARSON,
A. R. T. VISON. Cashier.
I. C.SlcNAUG IITON. Asst.Cashler.
President.
ESTABLISHED IN 1858.
O I, T E S T
EEAL
ESTATE
A&nnsrcY
IN NEBRASKA.
William H.JEjEoover.
Does ji general Ileal Estate Business. Sells
Lands on Commission, examines Titles,
makes Deeds, Mortgages, and all instru
ments pertaining to tne transfer of Real Es
tate. Has a
' ' Complete Abstract of Titles
to all Ileal Estate lu Nemaha County.
At Tlie
:R0CERY AND PROVISIOI
S5TOBE OF
T.
s
Is the place to get f
Grocaiiieti, ." t , && J, i
Provisions.
Confections,
JTiiiG Cigars,
Toilet Soapt
Canned Goods,
JPresJizBatter, P
Etc,i,Etc;,fEtcll
i
Wo also keep all the best brands or
flour, and everything usually kept In'
a first class grocery store.
I WeTiare lh con- f"
FEED STORE
nection"witi oar
house a tirst class
TUT IT'S
PILL
INDORSED BY
PHYSICIANS, CLERGYrVIEN AND
THE AFFLICTED EVERYWHERE.
THE GREATEST MEQIGAL
TRKUSSPH OF THE AGE.
THT'r'OJ Bf! f O! ! Tutt has ec
fUHv I I LLd geceded in combiiilngia
CURE SICOEADACH&lgSJSSt:
mrir T!B -.IHesjSfaSTKBKCTUiNO,
'S prlS bss-s
CURE DYSPEPSIA. 1 Their first opparrot
TIITT'Q PJ! S Qiarpctitcbycanriugtha
Ul E O TibLu food to -properly aB-
CURE CONSTIPATION. siiaUate.'TbMthcEys-
'temis nonnicd, and
TIITTie ntl t r ihyth-irlonltnctloacn
1UI I O riLLv
CURE PILES.
itbc durestivo orcans.
i regtJarcrd "healthy e-
THTT'apjiiat
dnced. '
The rr.'o.Uiir .Taili
I . V I k . iT-h'ri PrSCr.NC Tit'C-
CURE FEVER AND AGUEgON FLESH wfcffinauw
the Intlatncc of, tht3
TflTT'C DIIIC Pffis indicates their o
1 U I I 0 r.iLi.0 dsptaKUty to noarifh
CURE BILIOUS-COLIC. ? hc,3Cc lbeir
ciucacyin enncg ner-
TtlTTIO r"f I Cfvoas debility, melaa-
Cura KIDNEYjxplakLlgiliSesa of the livci,
m vlchrcnic constipation,
THTT'Q PHI iaadiraprtinghcalth&
I Wl S w I ibbWiUtrcnzmto therretesa.
CURE TORPID LIVER.
TUTT'S PILLS
. JHPAHT ArTETTTE.
Sold everywbere.
Price 23 cent".
OSicts
53 ainrnty Street,
NEW YOUK.
USE
For nil Dlseivsea of the Throat
j .. ..-. .!- -
anil Lungs tne
4 m-in-pTr TlrnTTTNT1!1 fl TTM
JfJl JJ Jl X J.S.J - Jk JL JULJb a. a
T- .i I ,... a .w.M in. .fh l ki. 4'HTnaTnmk
t l nt-,1 ill iiri uti' uiiimin imikd ,c-p. . u..uu
i. --- - . v.-.-.
' .a. 1.11. Im ICCU TT -W W 1 IV Vk..V l'f
uiujjiiuui: iiiuoj.i 'ill I '-i M 13 o- ai
Firs! National Bank
.Ki.
and Si. SA3IPX.E UOTTLES in Cents-
r-fVI.j.S:j -. - - -- i iw, Hi, - w
Re!AffSi8ttS3BALSAM
locals. o. C. Day & Rraclrott,
Sole Proprietors, Kansas City, Mo. 39m3
T ETTEil HEADS,
-3ILLHEAD)
, Neatly printed atthlEomcb. -'
Fate of a Fnst Yonng: Man.
Written in the States Prison of Illinois.
It'R curlons isn't it Billy,
The changes that twelve months
brln?
Last year I was at Saratoga,
As happv and rich as a king?
2 was ranking in pools on the races.
And feeling the waiters with "Tens,"
And slipping mint jaleps by twilight.
And to-day I am lieie lu the "Pen."
may
"Wlint led me to It? "What always
Irtuids men to destruction and crime?
The Prodigal son. whom you've read of,
Has altered some what in his time;
Hi- spends his substance as Ireely
As thttbiblical fellow of old.
But u hen it is cone hu fancies
The busks will turn inlo gold.
Champagne, and a box at the opera.
High Kteps'wltli fortune in Hush, -The
passionate kisses of women
Whobe cheeks have forgotten to blush,
The old, old htory, Billy,
If pleasures that end in tears,
The froth that foams for an hour.
The dregs that are tasted for years.
Last night, as I sat here and pondered
On the end of my evil ways.
There rose like a phantom before me
The vision of boyhood days.
I thought of my old home. Billy,
Of the school-house that stood on the hill.
Of the brook tliat flowed thro' the meadow;
I can hear its music still.
Again I thought of my mother.
Of the mother who taught me to pray,
Whose loTjewasa perfect treasure .
That I luedlessly cast away.
I saw again in my visions
The fresh-lipped dareless boy,,
To wl'om future was boundless
And the world but a mighty toy. ,
I thought of all this as I sat here,
Of my ruined and wasted life. 1
And the pangs of remorse were bitter.
They pierced my heart like a knife.
It takes some courage. Billy.
To laugh lh the face of fate.
When tlie yearning ambitions of manhood
Are blasted at twenty-eight.
uai en
THE MINISTERS MISTAKE.
The sunset was painting all the for
est paths with gold ; the mossy boles
of the old treeB glowed in the level
light, ob if they hud been curved out
of glittering bronze, and the scarlet
vines alone the stone wall ouught
new splendor from the last rays,
while the silvery-white fringe of
wild clematis swung from the dead
thorn buhep, and here and there a
hi'd, perched high up against the
deep, vivid blue heavens, uttered its
shrill, clear vesper note; ami Mr.
Caryle, wulking home through the
Westhrook woods, thought .what a
beautiful world this was that God had
made.
Mr. Cari'l was only 24, and hod
been iu the Westhrook parish for
three months. Not long, but long
enough to discern, by the testimony
of his own expeiience, that there
were thorns as well as roseB in a coun
try pastor's life. It had seemed eo
beautiful an ideal when be looked at
it through the medium of his fancy,
standing on the threshold of the The
ological Seminary. It was beautiful
still ; but the ideality had all gone out
of it.
His mother met him at the door
step of the parsonage a brisk, spec-
.tacled little dame, in a turned black
i silk, with frills nf neatly-darned
luce, and violet ribbons in her cap.
"Well, Charles,'' she said, cheerily,
"here's a whole alateful of calls for
you."
- Mr. Carvl's countenance rather fell.
He had been anticipating an evening
by the wood fire, with the last num
ber of Blackwood's Jfagazine.
"Calls?" he repeated; "what are
tbey? and where are the'?"
He went into the little parlor as he
spoke the parlor where the coveted
wood fire was leaping and flashing on
the bright andirons, and a shaded
lamp was already burning on the ta
ble among his piled-up books and pa.
pers nnd took up the little slate.
"The Widow Corsett," be read, ad
ding, solto voce, "that woman again !
She has died once a week regular!'
ever since I have been in Westhrook."
"Charles!" mildly reproved bin
mother.
"It's a fact." asserted the young
clergyman. "I don't think people
ought to confound hypoohondria and
teligion in that blindfold sort of way.
t J - J--1 ,...- 1 i, l-
one u a ueai oeuer hpiiij itir uie uou
tor, and leave ofF scolding that
wretched adopted daughter of hers.
. I won't go that's settled! 'Meet
Deacon Daley and old Capt. Hartwick
at Flowersville Four Corners at 9:30
o'clock to-morrow.' Now I wonder
why people can't agree about their
own boundary lines without calling
In the clergj'man of the parish as un
pire between them."
"Dissension isuch a dreadful thing
nniong your flock, Charles," said his
mother."
"So i scarlet fever or small-pox,'"
caid Mr. Caryl, rather curtly; "but, all
the same. I don't see how I can be
held responsible for either one or the
other. '.Lend the manuscript of your
last sermon to old MissDadd to read.'
But I haven't any manucript to read
only half a dozen memoranda. I
preached.entlrely extempore lat Sun
day." "Couldn't you write it ofj from
memory?" said Mrs. Caryl, piteo.usly.
"The poor old lady seems so anxious.
Shesaid the sermon impressed her so
deeply."
"Really, mother, I think that's a
little unreasonable," said the pastor.
"Suppose every old lady in the parish
were to require me to write out a
twelve-pace sermon for her especial
benefit. 'Give Miss Hltts a Hat of
hymns for next Sunday.' - Yes. I'll
i HIHl MS well uu na nllj
. .. Ln. .... II .. . nn .v n
now as any time.
- , ,
"speaK to iMrs. mine's taaran.'
Mrs.
Prune's Sarah? Who is Mrs. Prune's
SaTah ? And what am I to speak to
, Qer aboutj pd ibe to know?.. de.
mantled the young clergj'man, in a
-ort of mild desperation.
"Don'tvou know?" explained Mra.
Caryl. "It's Mrs. Prune that lives
-.down by .the Haw-mill, in tho big
white house with the poplar trees in
front of it. And it's her step-daughter
that's come home from the third
situation, all on account of her rib
bons in her hat, and her pride in her
own pretty face."
"And I am to speak to her, eh?"
said the young pastor.
"Yes; you .are to speak to her,"
said his mother.
"I shall do nothing of the Bort,"
declared Mr. Caryl, with Bome em
phasis. "Butj'ou muBt, Charles!" pleaded
theold lady. "It'sin the lineof your
regular duty1
Mr. Caryl hesitated, and wrinkled
his brow In sore perplexity.
"Do you think so?" said he.
"I'm sure of it,"' declared the old
lady.
Conscientiousness was one of the
strong points of Mr. Caryl's charac
ter. He took tip his hat.
"If It's got to be done," said he, des
perately, "the sooner the better."
"But you will stop for your tea first,
CharleB?" urged Mrs. Caryl. "Hot
corn-Oread and strawberry jam "
"I'll atop for nothing!" said Mr.
Caryl. "Don't fret, little mother ; it
won't take me long to speak to Sa
rah." And he disappeared with a laugh.
As It happened, he never before had
been called upon to practice this par
ticular branch of his profession, plead
ing w,th the rebellious lambs of his
flock who thought more of their
bright eyes than they did of their
hymn-books, and he turned the mat
ter over iu his mind as he walked
along the frosty woodland path,
where the young moon cast a fitful.
evanesoent light, and the dead leaves
sent up a faint odor beneath his feet.
"Speak to Sarah," he muttered to
himself, not without a certain precep
tion of the ridiculous side of the mat
ter. "And what may I say to her, 1
wonder?"
He knocked softly at the big front
door of the Prune mansion. A shuf
fling, uutidj' girl of 14 or 15 opened
it, hiding behind u shawl and a fringe
of curl-papers.
"Is Miss Prune at home?" he said.
"No, she ain't," retorted the girl.
Mr. Caryl paused. He scarcely
knew what question to ask next.
"Is Sarah at home?" hedemanded,
after a little.
"Miss Sarah ?"
"Well, I suppose It can hardly be
'Mr. Sarah,"' said the young clergy
man, half smiling. "Yes, Miss - Sa
rah, of course."
"She's at home," said the girl, un
graciously opening the door a little
wider. "Came this afternoon. Set
tin' in the parlor. Walk in."
And without further cpremony
Caryl found himself ushered into a
semi-dark apartment, where a tall,
slender young benutj of eighteen
summers or so sat before the fire, in a
pluin black dress, with the simplest
of cuffs and collars, and a single blue
ribbon fastened into the thick, dark
braids of her hair a person so entire
ly different from what he expected to
see that he stopped short in 6ome per
plexity. "Is this ahem! Sarah?" he ask
ed. "I am Sarah Fielding," sho respon
ded. "I have called to speak to you,"
said he, with a desperate rallying of
his verbal forces. "Perhaps, Sarah,
you may not know who I am?"
"No, I don't," said the girl, in some
surprise.
"I am Mr. Carj'l, the pastor of the
parish.
"I am happy to make your ac
quaintance," said the girl, putting
out one slim hand in the easiest pos
sible manner.
Tlie pastor hesitated. This was not
what he had looked for at all.
"Of course of course," said he.
"But how does it happen, Sarah, that
you are at home again so soon ?"
"Do you mean at Westhrook ?"
"Wheue else should I mean?" re
torte.d Mr. Caryl, crustily for he felt
that if he once abnudoned his tone of
authority he was lost. "Why didn't
you stay where 3ou were?"
Sarah colored up to the roots of her
hair. He could perceive that, even in
the uncertain rise and fall of the firelight-
. "I do not like the position,'' Baid
she In a low voice.
"But you oughttolike it," said Mr.
Caryl.
"You are not aware of all the cir
cumstances," pleaded Sarah.
"I am quite aware," said Mr.
Caryl, severely, 'that vanity is the
root of all your evils."
"Vanity ?"
The crimson was deeper than ever
now on brow and temple asshebalf
r rose.
"Yes, vanity !" impressively reit
erated the clergyman. "Be silent, if
you please, young woman, and hear
me out. You have a certain amount
of personal attractions, which appears
to have turned your head. Remem
ber tht beauty IsbutPkin deep. Call
to mind frequently thp ancient tidaue
that 'heud?ome Is as handsome does.'
After all you are neither Mary Queen
of Scotts, or Cleopatra. Now take my
advice, Sarah "
"But I have not asked for it!" she
cried out, in choked accents.
"No matter whether you have or
not." said Mr. Caryl, calmly. "It is
my business to volunteer good coun
sel, and yours to receive it. I repeat,
Sarah, take my advice, and go back to
your last place.. Apologize hnmbly
for yourshort-oomings; tell the wo
man 'of the house that you will strive
to amend your conduct for the future,
and endeavor to deserve her approval.
Put away j'nur silly ribbons, bows
and broaches" with a stern glance
at the poor little acate breastpin that
glistened at the girl's throat "and
leave the vain accessories of dress to
your betters, always remberlng that
the ornament of a meek and quiet
spirit"
But just at this point the young
olergymau's oration was abruptly
checked by the entrance of Mrs.
Prune herself, shawl and bonnet, and
breathing faster from the baste she
bad made. In one hand she held a
prodigious cotton umbrella; with the
other she dragged forward the untidy
damsel of the shawl and curl-papers.
"Here she is, Mr. Caryl, here she
is!" bawled Mrs. Prune, who did not
possess that most excellent thing in a
woman, "a low and gentle voice."
"A lazy, good-for-nothing, etuok-up,
vain minx.as needn't Buppose as I'm
going to do for her no longer!
You needn't hang back, Sarah ; it
ain't no good! Here she is, Mr. Caryl
here's Sarah !"
The young pastor stared in amaze
ment. "Is that Sarah?" said he.
"That's Sarah," panted Mrs. Prune.
"And who is this?" he demanded,
turning to the slim, dark-eyed girl
with the blue ribbon and agate
brooch.
"That's my niece, Sally Fielding, aB
has been governess of a family up in
Maine for three years," said Mrs.
Prune. "And she's down here on a
visit now come this very atternoou.
Hain't you been introduced yet? Mr.
Caryl, my niece, Sallle. Sally, this
'ere's "
But before she could finish the
words of her formal introduction, the
clergyman bad made a nervous grasp
for his hat.
"I I have been the victim of a
misunderstanding," stammered he.
"This young person told me that she
wa Sarah."
"So she is," said Mrs. Prune. "But
she ain't the Sarah as ia to be spoken
to."
"I beg a thousand apologies," Baid
Mr. Caryl, feeliug the cold sweat drip
from everj' pore.
Miss Fielding burst out laughing.
"They are cheerfully grauted," said
she. "No. don't go away, Mr. Caryl,"
holding out her hand as he was turn
ing to depart. "I have learned that
you possess at lpast the virtue of
frankness. Shall we not befriends?"
And Mr. Caryl looked into the
dark-blue eyes and said, "Yep."
He forgot all about the hot corn
bread and strawberry jum at home,
nnd stayed to tea at Mrs. Prune's,
while the right Sarah escaped the in
tended lecture and the wrong Sarah
presided in a most gracious and win
ning manner behind the cups and
saucers, and old Mrs. Carvl laughed
heartily when her son explained the
curious recounter to her later in the
evpning.
"But why did she leave her situa
tion the wrong Sarah, I mean?"
said she.
"Because the young heir of the
house made love to her," said Mr.
Cary.l ; "and I don't wonder at it.
She's the prettiest little creature I ev
er saw In my life."
"Perhaps, then," said Mrs. Caryl,
doubtfully, "your advice wasn't bo
very much amiss, after all."
"Certainly it was," said Mr. Caryl,
with spirit.
The old lady looked Bharply at him.
"Charles," said she, "I do believe
you're struck with her."
"Nonsense!" said Mr. Caryl, turn
ing red.
But just three months later, when
the moon was at the full, and sleigh
ing parlies the rage, Mr. Caryl
brought Miss Fielding home from a
singing-school in his new cutter, and
told her a secret on the way that he
loved her.
And so the wrong Sarah was the
right Sarah, after all.
A Good Story Abont Grant.
From the Chicago Inter Ocean.
McVicker tells a good story of
Graut. On the Monday following the
General's arrival here, it will be re
membered that McVicker's theatre
was beautifully decorated in honor of
Grant's visit to the opera. The private
box of the manager was set apart for
the distinguished guest, and connect
ing therewith was a smoking room,
where between the acts the Genernl
enjoyed his favorite cigar. The opera
was Max Maretzek's new production
of 'Sleepy Hollow," and as it was the
initial performance, all concerned
were particularly anxious for its suc
cess. When the opera was partially
over, and while Grant was puffing
away in the smoking-room, waiting
for the rise of the curtain, McVicker
thought be would get an expression of
opinion from his guest regarding the
merits of the production.
'He seems to talk ea"y enough, said
Mack to himself, 'I'll Bee" what he
thinks of the piece, anyway.' So in
his quiet way he sauntered up to
Grant, and Baid:
General, how do you like the
operu ?'
- Grant Blowly took his cigar from
bis mouth and blew away a cloud of
smoke. 'Well,' he-replied, slowly, 'if
that fellow gets the girl and the $2,
000 it is all right.
I was satisfied,' says McVicker,
'that the General bad kept the run of
the story, but X .am not quite sure
what be thought of the. opera. -
SHE CURED HIM.
But He Got Yery Mad at the Means
She Employed.
Milwaukee Sun.
There is a man up in the Seventh
Ward that hasn't spoken to his wife
In over a week. He is so mad that be
will not go home for his meals, and!
the other day his wife went to his of
fice to get $6 to pay for some shoes,
and he told the clerk to pay her off
and let her go. He grates bis teetb
when he goes home nights, and comes
out of the house every morning
swearing. She came a joke on him,
that was all. He has, for years been
telling her that he was Bure be bad
got heart disease, and that he should
go off, suddenly, some time in the
night. She had got sick of such talk,
after hearing it thirteen years, when
she knew be was as healthy as a
yearling. Why, be did not even know
where his heart was, and could not
point out the location of any particu
lar portion of his internal improve
ments. But he kept talking about
death every little while and she said
she would break up that game as soon
as she could think of any way to do
so. A spell ago she bought one of those
India-rubber water hags, for keeping
hot water at the feet, instead of using
bottles. It would bold about three
quarts, and her husband did not know,
anything about it. One night after
she had the water-bag at her feet a
couple of hours, until the' were about
as warm as a piece of zinc, and her
husband was snoring away by note,
she thought what a good joke it would
be to put it on his stomach and wake
him up. She burst right out laughing
at midnight thinking of it. So she
took up the rubber bag of hot water
and put it on his stomach. The bag
was about as big as a cow's liver, and
about as warm as a piece of shingle
on a boy. It had not been on bis chest
over two minutes before he slowly
opened his eyes. She stuffed the up
per works of her night gown Into her
mouth to keep from laughing. He
raised up his head and said, "Harriet,
my end has come."
"Which end, Josiah?" said she as
she rolled over, "your head or your
feet?" And then she put a pillow in
her mouth, end reached over to him
and unscrewed the nozzel that holds
the water in the bag
"I am dying, Egypt, dying," said
he. "My heart is enlarged to three
times its natural size, and oh, I am
bleeding to death." She had opened
the nozzle, and the three quarts of
hot water was pouring over him, sat
urating him from head to heels. She
had not meant to let out more than
half a pint of wateron him, hut when
it got to flowing she could not stop it
and she got out of bed and told him
to savp.himeelf He attempted to stop
the flow of blood, and she struck a
light and asked him if his life pre
server had not sprung a leak, and
then he looked at the rubber bag, and
went and ruu himself through a
clothes wringer, and he slept on the
lounge the rest of the night, and he
says his wife Is the meanet woman
that ever drawed the breath of life.
She tells her friends that Josiah has
been miraculously cured of heart dis
ease. e
The Family Rndder.
A Nevada man who was having his
hair cut gave the barber particular in
structions not to remove a long lock
that projected in a somewhat unsight
ly way from tho front of his head.
'It don't become you, said the bar
ber. 'Can't help that, 'said the customer.
'Better lei me take it off',' said the
barber.
Just you leave it as it la.' said the
man.
But.' persisted the barber, 'I can't
give you a smooth , decent cut if I leave
the hair so long in front. It will look
like the very devil. I can't see what
you want it left there for?'
'That's because you don't know
what it is you don't know the UBe of
it.'
'I know It's a bunch of hair, and
know that it's devilish unbecoming
just where it is.'
'Yes, it is a bunch of hair, and it ia
sumetbingmore than a bunch of hair
It's the family rudder.
'The family what?'
'The family rudder. When things
don't go right at bome my wife al
ways grabs that lock of hair. She
would feel lost without it. When she
gets hold of that ahe can haudle me
ateer me in the right course, so to
speak and when I go in the right
course the whole family go iu the
right course aud all is well. I've got
used to it now and don't mind it.
Should I lose my hair and become
bald, orehouldyuu give me a fighting
cut all over, there would be no way
of steering me ; I should become un
manageable, and sooner or later a to
tal wreck. No, sir, don't disturb the
family rudder.'
A somewhat dignified resident of
Virginia City entered a barber shop,
which was full of men, and the boss
barber greeted him with : 'Hullo.
Charley !' 'I always like to come in
here,' said the dignified resident,
blandly. 'Tbere'B only one person in
the city that calls me 'Charley' be
sides yourself, and that's my wife. If
you'd only call me 'dear Charley,'
now, it would make me feel even
more at home. I don't happen to
know your first name, my friend, but
it's real kind of you to oall me by
mine.'. The barber said no more.
Joe Parson's Adventure.
Philadelphia Times.
Joe Parsons was a Baltimore boy
and a little rough, but withal a good
hearted fellow and a brave soldier.
He got badly wounded at Antletam,
and thus laconically described the oc
cur ranee and what followed to some
people who visited the hospital :
"What Is your name?"
"Joe Parsons."
"What is tho matter?'
"Blind as a bat, sir; both eyes shot
out."
"At what battle?"
"Antletam."
"How did it happen?"
"I was bit and knocked down, and
had to lie all night on the battle field.
The fight waB renewed next day, and
I was under fire. I could stand the
pain, but could not see. I wanted to
see or get out of thelfire. I waited
and listened, and presently heard a
man groan near me.
"Hello!" says I.
"Hello.your6eIf," aays'he.
"Who be you?" says I.
"Who be you ?" says he.
"A Yaukee," says I.
"Well, I'm a Reb," says he.
"What's the matter?" says I.
"My leg's smashed, saya he.
"Can you walk ?" saya I.
"No," says he.
'.'Can you see?" Bays I.
"Yes," eays he.
" 'Well,' says I, 'you're a rebel, bnt
I'll do you a little favor.'
" 'What's that?" says he.
" 'My eyes are shot out, sayB I,
'and if you'll show me the way, I'll
carry you out,' says I. ' .
" 'All right!' eays he.
" ' Crawl over here,' says I, and be
did.
" 'Go ahead," says he.
" 'Pint the way,' says I, 'for I can't
see a blessed thing.'
" 'Straight ahead,' eays he.
"The balls were flyin' all around,
and I trotted off and was soon out of
runge.'
" 'Bully for you, says he, 'but
you've shook my leg almost off.'
" 'Take a drink,' says he.holdingup
his canteen and he took a nip.
" 'Now let us go on again,' says he
'kind o' slowly,' aud I took him up,
and he did the navigation and I did
the walkin'. After I had carried him
nearly a mile, and was almost dead,
be said :
"Here we are ; let me down.'
"Just then a voice Baid :
"Hello, Billy, where did you get
that Yank?'
" 'WThere are we ?' says I.
" "In the rebel camp, of course,'
says he; 'and d d my buttons if
that rebel hadn't ridden me a mile
straight into the rebel camp. Next
day McCIellan's army advanced aud
took us both in, and then we shook
bauds aud made it up; bet it was a
mean trick of him, don't you think
so?'"
An Outraged Conrt.
It was in Tellco township, Arkansas
Court day. Justice Scatterfield pre
sided. He could neither read nor
write. Had been eleoted out of pure
fun, by a mischievous constituency.
A case involving $100 came up for
trial. George W. Beasley for plain
tiff, and Stephen W. Childress the
defeudaut; botb able lawyers. In
the progress of the case, defendant
proposed to introduce some evidence,
to which plaintiff's counsel objected.
To sustain his right to put it in coun
sel for defendant produced and read
"Greenleafon Evidence." This au
thority was directly in point. Beas
ley felt his case utterly hopeless, un
less he could dodge the law.
Rising with great gravity, he ad
dressed the court: "May it please
your Honor, I am astounded to wit
ness the impudence of friend Child
ress. He has actually tried to swindle
this court and get a ruling in his fa
vor by palmlngfoffEuglish law upon
this court for Arkansas law. What
have we to do with foreigners aud
their laws? Have we not the statutes
made by our law-makera to govern
us? Why, then, should we go tooth
er countries to learn how to adminis
ter justice? It is a contempt of this
court, aud, were I in your position, I
should fine any attorney heavily who
undertook to deceive me as Mr. Child
reas has done."
This had the desired effect. Turn
ing to the dumbfounded Childress,
and while.from "his eye-balls flashed
the living Iire,"the Court said: "Sir,
I am astonished at you in trying to
impose on this 'ere Court. It can't
be did! As it is the first time, the
Court wilUook over It. Butyou nev
er try it again. If you do, this 'ere
Court will fine you to the utmost ex
tent of the law. Judgment for plain
tiff; court's adjourned." Childress
appealed and swore worse than the
army in Flanders.
London Cor. St. Paul Pioneer-Press.
The enormous subscription of $100,
000 given by the New York Herald to
the Irish famine fund has not met
with half the notice it deserved.
None of our own papers have (so far
as I can see) given a single cent, and
the subscriptions generally through
out the United Kingdom are of the
the meagerest. In such a cause one
would haveexpected the purse-strings
of England to be freely loosened,
whilst as a fact, the offerings are sim
ply despicable.. Poor Ireland! how
woefully have your affairs been mis
ipanagod ! , - .
A Professional Fuuny Man.
If the fame of Alden has traveled
as far aa Indianapolis, it may interest
my readers to know something about
the man who writes what are suppos
ed to be the wittiest articles in the
New York press. Alden has now
been writing the 'sixth column edito
rial' in the Times for eight years. He
is paid $4,000 a year, and expected to
furnish nothing but this one article
of about a column In length. He can
do bis work when and where he
chooses, select his own topic and treat
it in his own way. He ia to be funny
every day in the year, at the rate of
$12 a day. When one considers the
strain of keeping up and forcing wit
every day in the year, the pay is not
high. A friend of mine who knew
Alden well before he devoted himself
to this specialty, tells me that the
change which the last eight years
have made in him are painful. Years
ago he was a genial, laughing fellow,
good hearted and a favorite with ev
erybody. To-day it is almost impos
sible to talk to him for ten minutes
without being offended or displeased
at the man's utter incapacity to talk
seriously of anything. He ba9 bo
much the habit of seeing only the
absurd and ridiculous in everything
that, no matter bow grave, a matter
may be distorted in his eyee. He
holds up a down's mirror in nature.
One of the consequences of continu
ing this style of writing through
years, is that his admirers are con
stantly in need of stronger doses.
What might have appeared very fun
ny to tbem five years ago, would be
tame to-day; therefore Alden'B ar
ticles grow more and more extrava
gant and blasphemous. His plan is
to take any absurd story which ho
finds floating around in the newspa- .
pers and embelish it in his own way,
never hesitating to shock the feelings
of many good people if he can raise a
Inugh ; so far does he go, sometimes,
that it is a matter of surprise in jour
nalistic circles here that the editor of
the Times allows bo many readers to
be offended. JYcu York Letter.
Says John B. Gough, I waa once in
a town in New York and saw a Church
that was building with a very Buperb,
symmetrical spire. From a small win
dow, high up, a plank waa pushed
out about ten feet and held by ropes
fastened within. Again I eaw a man
getout of that window and step right
on that platform without falling.
How many of you could do it? T'eaw
a man on the sidewalk who hallooed
to him. He put his hands on bis
knees and looked down and hallooed
to the man. How that man could
stand on that platform, and did, but
if I had set my foot on it the moment
I saw the depth of ISO feet below me
I should have gone. down, I could not
help it. No logio, no argument could
have helped me. I could not
help myself. Now I Bay, air, If
you can stand on that plank, and you
tell me you set me a good example,
and encourage me to follow it, and I
fall, what then ? Will not my blood
be found on your skirts?
The moderate drinker tells the
young man that be sets him a good
example. If there was a bridge that
holds 150 pounds, built over a gulf, to
fall into which was utter ruin, and
you weighed 130 pounds it is a safe
bridge to walk on as much as you
please. Another man comes who
weighs 200 pounds and you tell him
to follow your example. I don't like
the looks of that bridge, he says.
Don't be such a fool, you reply, I
have walked it for ten years, audit is
safe, don't mind what others say, fol
low my example lij your moderation,
exercise self control, don't get exci
ted, stop in a moderate way. So he
goes on till be sets his foot on the
center, and crash! be goes to des
truction. Dfd you set him a good ex
ample? Do you dare to tell that
young man you are safe in following
my example, unless you have studied
his susceptibilities, and that takes a
lifetime. Moderate drinkers, drink
if you will, but don'tdare to tell those
young men that you aet them a good
example.
A lying witness will tell a very
glib story, but he generally falls to
guard his weak points. At a recent "
trial in court the following took place
in attempting, to prove an alabi:
Attorney S. You say that Ellis
plowed for'you all day on the 29th of
November.
Witness (Refering to his book.)
Yes.
S. What did he do on tbe30th.
W. He chopped wood. ,
S. On the 31st?
W. That wasSunday , and we went -
eqirrel-hunting.
S. What did be do on the 32nd?
W He thrashed wheat on that
day.
S. What did he do on the 33d ?
W. It was raining and he shaved'
out some handles.
S. What did he do on the 34th ?
W. He chopped wood.
S. What did be do on the ?
But before the question could be
finished, the witness's wife seized
him by the collar and whisked him
outside of the witness-box, yelling in
his affrighted ear; "You old fool
don't you know there are only thirty-one
days in the month of Novem
ber?" i m
"Oh, she was a jewel of a wife!"
said Pat, mourning over the loss of,
his better half; "she always struck
me with the soft-end of the mop!"