Nebraska Newspapers

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rTfl
. THE A.b VBRT-ISEft
(THE- ADVERTISER
S.-W-TJUBBSOTHEa. . T.O.HACKXX .
FAIRBRGTHER Jfc BACKER
. Publishers AFroprle'ters.
-, L "
B. W. rAIKCKOTHEK. T. c. backseT"""
FAIRBROTBER & WICKER
PabHuuers aad Proprietors.
Published Eve.y Thursday Morning
AT BBO'WSVIIiI.E, NEBRASKA.
ADVERTISING RATES.
Onetneh.one ynr... , . ff 0
Each sncceedlntjjnch.pex. year 5 oo
One Inch, per rannth.. ,,,,;; l oo
Each additional Inch, per mnntn... , ,, 60
Leral advertisements at legal rates- Onesqtmro
UOHnesorj,onpareJl.orIe)arstlnsertlor it CO
eachsubseqnentinsrtlon ri,c.
SST Alltranalentadvertisementftmhst be nsld
forln advance. p
TERMS, IN ADVANCE: a
One copy, six months
nnf itirso mnntln . "
T yoDapernentfromtheomceantllp&WtcT.
ESTABLISHED 1856.
J
BEOTTNVILLE, NEBRASKA, THURSDAY, MARCH i 1880.
VOL. 24.-FO. 37.
READING MATTER OX EVERY PAGE Oldest Paper in the State
OFFICIAL PAPER 0FTJIEC0OTT
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50 .
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OFFICIAL DIRECTOR'S".
uistnct "" !.
B. B.POCN n ZTZ-ni!trlct Attorney
J. a WATSON :.pjT District Clerk.
WILLIAM: 1L IIOO ri
Cotmtv Officers.
r.TT ConntvJndKe
J7r i?t nKTS0N-.3r.-.Clerk and Rocnrder
A. ".""iJJJSSyp- imir -lierifl
,T. M. KT.itNER im Coronpt
C B.PAUKKU. -.; nrvpvfr
itm!'rPr;uTrB!i--Zloo1SUPerlnt.ndent
vb. X AfRAATfl.
iZZ- '4- nwf S V Commissioners
PBA.XK BEDFERN
City OScors.
w.t. noiKn5;
t u nnr.unun
i. n. iwwi 2""J
K. A.nstplN. -"
-Marfr
Urollca Jndce
rier
.Trpnrr
". Marshal
JOHN. W. L.'J r.
cnnNCir.MEX.
.lsflVurd
ind "VVjird
tniPPIT 1 il . '
-' - -
A.Utr.M-yiTj .
Trd Ward
S0CIA1. DIRECTORT.
V1 - am A f
n- Pr ;'ThunUlay .ven.nC.
fi. P. Witauw. Ptor.
at Khifl n. m..and .: P-"- ?,rn- WPd-.psday
morn!nfrrlp(. P"! v- J VKrnr.n. Pastor.
tIop fim Sabbath In each month. B. J. J on
bov. Pastor. .
Triet.
School.
nrn.vnvtU- T'nlon-Ord rliool-TTjj
Temple of Honor. . an
div Pvpnlnc In Odd Vedow "- vc,.r:
proconlWlv WPlPntned. J""'.!,. V 1)
Wni. II. FT.ovrV. Bee: T.C- " ""
noon. Ml "i Mhi: 5m,t
nackar.S.'C: Mrs. T.S.MInlck.Snpt.
Red RiLTjon-CluTi
M-t t;- flr-tTudr or eich month. B. ii. iiai
ley.Pna.; A. ri.Ollmorboc
" I. O. ofO.T.
t i t n n P. Rectlnr
m.ptlntr Tndav nl "RC V.II.Otlmore.
tc:. Jw roc'iran.sv. ,.
S CoIheO. T.
C. KInsy. B. Soc
Knirhts of Pythias.
IX.4 ., , - ,r t MppI pvptt
tenlcht- roMl-xllv Invited. I. ". Bautr. v.. i
1). D Adams. K. of BS.
Stt-d mHn!r ":"T,1r" n pvlrv iitnr-
rtav PV-nlns; forl-rt.ini. ?5H'5aw Camp-Intprr,.n-c.
J.J."crcer. .. Jt. "'
Davison. M.K.H. I- '".. c,.,h
Mr f-ii.,,ifOoti'inn,1,rvo. t, ' ...
'VnJlrini-on.l Vond-r inrhmoMh. K.V.
1'urnavE.r-.: A-W'.NIckril.ItPC.
,tr.-Mi' atMiKonli Hall on ine n ,ev
dv?. iu W. I'urnas. M. P. Sov. PT.Bamej.
Mrs. E. C. Handley. V.r. r.
niomai Bath. Oo. Crow. J . f t.
LiL-irv ,--.ti-n B M Ballcy.PrM.: A.K
Jllinorp.Secu: W-n.n.iver.
Chornt Vnlon.-J. C. McKaoshU.n. TrU J. B.
PficUer. Sc.
uess Manager.
BUSINESS CARDS.
l R. FTOTiADAY.
i . T'Hvrl.rcron.OhvtPtr Icliin.
Offlce.U M6lu street. BrownvIlle.-b.
OTULTi THOMAS.
omre. ovpr Thwdore Hill A Co.N store. Brown
vIIle.Neh.
TL. criTTK.
nmVfl ovpr J. T MctleeA Bro'sstorc. Bro nvllle.
jfrbraVa.
S. ATTORNRT ATT. AW.
Oftice.yo.Sl Main nret.Brownvlle. eb
A. oiov
-r- zt nnmnY.
tj . Attorncj- and Counselor at L.aiv,
OKlceoverStata BanE.Brownviii.-....
WT. ROGERS.
. Attorney anil ConifeloratLftW.
WllWIvedlllsent attention to anyle?alblness
erurustpdtohlsrare. Ofllce in the Boy building.
Brownvllle. Neb.
W. GIBSON,
nilLCKSlIITn AND HORSE SHOEU
Workdone to order and satisfaction guaranteed
First street, between Main and Atlantic, Brown
vil.le.Neh.
'ACOB MAROHN,
HERCHANT TAILOR,
and dealerln
FincEnsIixli.Ftcnch, Scotch and Fancy Clothx
Vestinn, Etc., Etc.
Brownvllle. IVebraJdia.
B.
M. BAILEY,
SUIPPEK AND BKALER IS
LIVE STOCK
BROWXriLLE, XEBRASKA.
Farmers, please call and get prices; I want
to handle your stock.
Office First Mattonal Bank.
B. Bell Andrews, ML D.
HOMEOPATHIC
PHYS1CE&N I SliBOEOH.
jtywill give prompt attention wall night calls-Ji
Special attention given to Medical and Surzica
Diseases of Women, and Medical and Surgical Ii-s-eacs
of the Eye. Oftice over Gates store, next Or.
Collins. ResMene lour door north oi Bratton's
ttore on Sixth street, tn the Vancll house "Htf
IUABLES HELMER,
FASHIONABLE
Boot and Shoe
TT;vlnt bought the ens.
torn shop of A. Roblson,
T am nremrexl to do work
of all kinds at
Reasonable Rates.
jrjj-Repalrlng neatly and
promptly done.
Shop No. 62 Main Street,
jSroionvillC) Nebraska.
LETTER HEADS,
m BILL HEADS
Neatlyprlnted atthlsofflce.
I.WI 111 lit. I ....
K. nctiPART i
f
'ZF2Mi?
T i ir I TTTHr I" -' ' J'
jJSgjg
.IS
B-At4V-rr J-i
i . JT-j-
wdWiijsWoghtin6olo.
Pain cannot stay where It Isused. Ttlsthecheap
fst medicine ever mane Five drops cover a sur
face f.Iarpens the band. One dose enrps common
Sore Throat. Oneb"ttIehas curPd Bronchitis. cO
cents' woriii has cured an OiU-itanalu? Cou?h. It
pos'tivevcurea Catarrh. Athm..and Croup Fif
ty certs om has cured Cncic fn The Bad:, and
tnesamequaiuTiyLr Tie Back oftiht year-.' stand
ing. Hearts supped nock and ull other Tumors,
Rluimatis ij. a id Pa i and soreia-s-s In any part, no
matter where 5t may he, nor frem what canv It
may ari-e. it al wavs dfes you Kood. Tw city-five
cents worth h?s cured biid caes of chronic and
Rl'iody Dyentery One teaspoonful cures' "oliciu
fifteen minutes, ttiviilcu enny case of piles that
U possible to core. Six or eight nppiicailon are
warran ed to cure any case of Kxoorinted Nipples
or IuHamd Breast. " FcBm '?. If applleil of en
and bound up, there Is never the siisatest di-color-ationto
theskln. 'It stop the pain of a burn as
snnn. as applied and IsapoitlvecureforCiiilblains.
Fronted Few, Boils. Warts. Corns and wounds of
every description on man or bea. Price. j0 cents
and!. Trial Mze. 15cpnts. FOSTRR. MILBUP.X
,fc COi Sole Proprietors. Buflalo. K Y.
soio in urownviueuyA. v. icKeu.
1UTH0KIZED BY THE C. S. G0VEKX3IENT.
irsiNaiiona
OF.
BROWNVILLE,
Paid-up Cajntal, $50,000
Authorized " 500,000
IS PREPARED TO TRANSACT A
General Baatinff Business
BUT AND SELI.
COIN & CURRENCY DRAFTS
on all the principal cities of the
United States and Europe
MONEY LOANED
On annroved necurltv only. Time Drafts discount
ed. and special accommodations sranted to deposit-
rs. Dealers in bovisusjut iiuxsua,
STATE, COUNTY & CITY SECURITIES
DEPOSITS
Received paysbleon demand and INTERESTnl
lonedoa time ctrtiUcates of deposit.
DrnEfTOP.'1. Win T. Den, B. M. Ballev. M.A
Handley. Frank E. Johnson, Luther Hoadley
Wni. 1'i alsher.
JOHN L. CARSON",
. B. DA VISON. Cashier.
I. CMcN At7 O HTON. Asst. Cashier.
President.
IsTO. 4c3.
JOSEPH BOO
H
16
Proprietor
Old Reliable
Mi
hut mmm
MiH
uiiii ummiL
i
Give Him a Call
And you tvill be tvell
Served wltU tUe best
the 3Iarkct afford.
m
v
ri
IK
TV
isro. -3.
(v
At, Tlie
GROCERY AND PROVISION
y store oir Ii
To Xj. Jones
Is the place to get
Grocevies,
Provisions.
Confection st
JFine Cigars,
Toilet Soaj),
Canned Goodsf
JPresJiJButtcr,
Etc., Etc., Etc.
"VVe also kep all the best brands of
flour. and evervthlns usually Ueptluj
a Hrst class grocery store.
We have In con
nection with our
house u firstciass
FEEDSTORE
TUTTJS
PSLLS
INDORSED BY
PHYSICIANS, CLERGYMEN AND
THE AFFLICTED EVERYWHERE.
THE GREATEST R3EBICAL
TRIUMPH OF THE AGE.
THTTG Till I Ci !t- Tr has M
!U! IO r I LLa a ceeded in comhinins
CUSE S1CKHEADACHE. gS. "S
TUTT'S PILLS
CURE DYSPEPSIA.,
TUTTS PILLS
CURE C0NSTIPAR0N.
TUTT'S PILLS
CURE PILES.
ticSOtaSTKEXGTUINO,
Puna ative. and a Jf t
RIPTIXO Tokic. i
Thilr first aPTarent
effect is to increase tho
appetite by caushigthe
food to properly as
similate. Ttmsthesys
teials nonrishen, and
by their tonic action on
the aigestive organs,
regular and healthy e
vacnatious are pto-
TUTT'S PILLS
dnced.
The rapIiTitr Trith
which PERSONS TAKE
nM n ecu .... f,.
I CURE FEVER AND AGUE.
Ithe influence cf these
TUTT'S PILLS
ills, indicates their a-
antahnity to nouri?
CURE BIU0US COLIC.
TUTT'SPILLS
the bodv, liencc their
as
efficacy in cenng ner
vous debility, mclis
choly, dyepeptift. wa$t
ina of the mnf clcslup-
Cure KIDNEY Complaint.
TUTT'SPILLS
tgishncss ot the liver,
Bchronic constipation.
tumiujijaiuumuiiuw
Ptrengthto the system.
Sold everywhere.
Price 25 cenr.
0e
53 Murray troctt
yew YOBK.
CURE TORPID LIVER.
TUTT'S PILLS
.WPART APPETITE.
TRic&SIBiiS4a
-siiia
Bank
JEREMY GREEN.
His Adrciitnres iu the City..
Jeremy Green left ths potato field
jtieta quarter before 12 by the bud; and
went in to dinner. Instead of resort
ing to the 'weed' as a solace for wear
iness, he levoted his spare time to the
Weekly Harrator the only newspa
per he vi-r took. As he was poring
over Us contents thai eventful noon
lie all ut (JDCeJeajK'd '.bout time feet
in the air, and in his descent brought
down his fi-t with such force on the
table that be overturned a huge pan
of pnup that liitt mother had prepar
ed for dinner, beside breaking a few
dishes.
What is the boy 'about?' fairly
thundered the fathpr.
'He haa spilt the soup, broke the
blue platter, and, dear vaf, I don't
know what tdtfe!' replied hid mother
in a calm, though vexrd tone.
Jeremy'n next uenpatinn was that
of an affectionate carets from lhea!i
of an immense borae-whip. Thiw
wan the first appeal for good lehavior
he had received from hid pa in four
or five yearn. For a moment lie
looked tmvugely at the old gentleman,
and thought of hid own f-uperioriiy of
ftrength, but soon quelled his piiuilis
tio desires and sul down to the Karra
tor, or rather to the advertisement
that -o elated him. It was a call for
agents. Ten dollars a day guaranteed,
etc. For particulars-, R'y & Co., N.
8 Village avenue, A , N. Y.
were to be consulted. Jeremy has al
ways been coullnvd to the farm, and.
feeling tired of it. c msidered this a
a chauge for him, so he resolved at
once to give the business a trial.
He planted potatoes all the after
noon, keeping one or two rows ahead
of his father, and milked the cows as
uriiial ihatught, but the next morn
ing before daylight he was on the
way to the city. About noon of the
name day he entered the village of
Smytbeville, juat twenty-five miles
fiom home, feeling tired, hungry and
a little disturbed in conscience. -Iu
tttis condition he called at Farmer
Smythe'u, where he procured dinner
and an invitation to remain until the
following morning aud resit himself.
His father and Farmer Snathe once
went to school together; Jeremy now
profited hy it -But we hardly think
he would. have lerried, so anxious
was he to get to the city, only that'
Farmer Smy the had three very pret
ty girls. Heptalina, the oldest, was
IS. just a year younger than himself,
and so fast did their acquaintance
progress that he'becarae the owner of
a card bearing her name and addrf p? j
before they parted. Jt-remy stoweo
ii away in his left vest pnei;pr,.feeling
thHt the donor was, to say at the least,
an nimel, and that he somehow or oth
er had taken a leap info paradise.
The remainder of h-i journey was
passed in a kind of delightful trance,
from which he did not thoroughnly
awake until he found himself in view
of the city. Then his heart gave a
ereat throb, for was he net soon to
know his destiny ? He never had been
to the city before, aud the sights were
rio new and startling that he was in
tremor of excitement by the time he
reached the locality iudicated in the
advertisement. He found theavenne
a dirty one, N 8 a dilapidated con
cern and the woman at tho door of
very haggish appearance; hut lie
summoned courage to inquire if a man
was living there who emp oyed
agents She replied that there was.
and showed him iutu a small, tdialitd-ly-furnished
apartment, where an
oily-tongued old fellow infoi medium
that the article to be canvassed for
was a grease extractor of the greatest
merit; he considered it the most
marvelous di?-covery of the age, and
the rapidity of its sale was unprece
dented ; agents were making fortune-;
theartiule wh put tip in 50 cent hol
lies; he would be pleased to furnish
Jeremy with a few dozen, appoint ter
ritory, etc. He charged agents half
prinp, so their profits were enormous.
Jeremy told the old gentleman he
would take but a dozen bottles, as he
had not the means for a large invest
ment. The teriitory he would decide
upon before he left. The old gentle
man hintpd to Jeremy that it might
he as well for him to begin to canvass
in riome final 1 country place, a- he
was, well, a little verdant. Jeremy'
temper rose slightly, but'he made, no
reply, for who wants to be told he If
green,1 even if he knows he is?
After hinting this, the old gentle
man left the room to get the bottles in
readiness for Jeremy. He, had no
sooner goue than a girl of 12 or 13 en
tered the room by another door
Coming close to Jeremj, she whis
pered, 'Are you going to be an agent
for the grease extractor?' Jeremy re
plied that he was intending to be.
Well, now; if you will never tell
the old man nor woman, I'll tell you
where you can look through a key
hole and see him prepare it.' she
said, adding that she knew he would
not think it wrong when heknew the
cheat there was about it.
She then directed him to the door
where he could see the article pre
pared. In the first place, theprofess
er, as the girl sneeringly called him
took a bar of common bar soap, im
mersed it in a pail of water, shook the
pail, and then filled, corked and seal
ed the bottle.
That aonp.' ?aid the girl, -he boys
in quantities of a soap maker in the
country, It Is good soap for washing
clothes; but will no more remove
grease spoti) thart any other common
aoap. An agent never goea with it but
once. But by advertising he makes
fools of i good many and considerable
money out of it.
'Do you tell everybody that cornea
the 8 line you have me ? asked Jere
my. 'No, I don't often get a chance,' she
replied; 'you see, the old woman just
went out, or I should not have cot in
here. I mean to get away from them
pretty soon , as -nrt as I can get anoth
er place. They both drink and abuse
me shamefully.'
Jeremy did not stop to hear more,
but took his hat and ran into the
street, went at such -a pace until he
wbb out of fight of the - house that a
policeman cm the curuer had a great
nnti..n of arresting hint on suspicion
of some crime.
He nevvr heard what the profesor
of the grease'extractor thought of his
conduct. Dear, good Jeremy ; he felt
li9 was top honest a fellow to peddle
soap-suds at 50 cents a half-pint bottle
evetif his dreams of wealth were all
dispelled in a moment. He. of
course, felt a pangof difiippoiutment,
aud resolved to return home again,
after making a tour to the :,y'0
he wandered up and down the6tms,
looking into shop windows andcrjrat
the gold-lettered signs and placards.
till sundown. Then he entered a
bakery, invested4 cents in biscuit,
which he speedily devoured, and in
quired for a place where he would be
apt to get a night's lodging. A snap
pish woman behind the counter ad
vised him to go to the Montros
House, across the way. Proceeding
thither, he stalked into the doorway,
as he imagined u millionaire would.
and asked the clerk, 'How much
wjll you ak to keep me here to
night? A lillie, slick Inured, dandy-looking
fellow, whom Je.remy al
ready had his eyes on as a pickpocket,
or somebody of about that stamp,
stood by, saying, 'Aw, how gr-en,'
etc. Jeremy tood it as long as he
could, until tne clerk told him his
lodging would b 75 cents; then,
turning upon the dandy a disdainful
look, offered to lick him for just 2
cpntB. The clerk immediately in
formed Jeremy that no fighting was
allowed iu the house, but if he wish
ed to indulge in that recreation, he
might as well go to the Porter House,
just a block away. Suddenly taking
the hint, Jeremy went as-directed.
Meeting at the door an object that he
'took -eitlfer forthe propVietor or a
whisky-barrel, he abruptly inquired :
'Keep fellow here to-niiiht who is
ready to fight any city dandy
who dares to insult him ?'
Well, yes; them's just the kind.
Here Jim, show him to room 26.' was
Use reply. In ten minutes Jeremy
was iu bed aud asleep. Half an hour
later he was awake, aud bade fair to
remain so An attack from those
venomons insects vulgarly termed
bpd-bugs required his wakeful atten
tion. They were apparently so nu
merous tiiat, unless hasty and viei
lan means were resorted to, Jeremy
feLt he must be annihilated. Thus he
fousht in gopri earnest. All night
long the siege lasted. Thewlauirht
er was terrible. The number of the
slain amounted to about 9.070, accord
ing to Jeremy's estimate. The gory
shpets were a sight to behold.
Musing upou his conquest iu the
morning. Jeremy concluded he iiad
well earned his night's lodging. So
hp dressed himself, crept softly riowu
the stairway, whieked nut the door,
and scampered down the street with
out settling his bill.
About 10 o'clock, as he wassaunter
iiur up Arlington avenue, a heavy
hand urnped his shoulder, a pair, of
handkuff-4 were thrust on his wrists,
and a voice, loud enough to arouse
the seven sleepers, exclaimed: 'You
are ray prisoner.'
'Prisoners must be scarce,' replied
Jeremy, 'since a simple country Ind
like me c;mnot. walk the streets with
out being arrested.
Perhaps it Is more of an offensej
than you think to leave a hot' 1 wiih-
I out paying your bill,' the officer re
plied, marching Jeremy along tn the
lock-up. After reaching that vile
abode, which appeared' to be filled
with profane, drunken wretches,
poor Jeremy began to think his
father's potato field was a more be
coming place for him. But he was
compelled to remain there until the
next day, when he was-taken to the
Polire Court. The case was the first
on docket, and to Jeremy's great re
lief shortly disposed of. After a lit
tle parley by the lawyers, the prison
er was allowed to plead his own ca-e.
and the following was (he sum and
substance of his speech :
'Gentlemen, I suppose I committed
h great mistake by not paj'ing my bill
at the Porter House, But when I re
late the sufferings I endured that
night, and you realize my hair
hrpadth ppcape, j'nn must admit I am
the aggrieved party. No soldier on
the battle-field ever fought for his
life as I fought for mine between the
hours of S in the evening and 6 in the
morning, utterly annihilating be
tween nine and ten thousand of the
longest-billed, ravenous insects,
which country people innocently call
bed-bugs, that I ever encountered.
Oh, it was a hard night's work. I
would rather have hoed potatoes three
days (laughter), and I thought I
earned my night's lodging, and that
the proprietor of the hotel would
think I ilid him a great favor. So I
left the bouse as quietly as possible,
feeling I had done my duty, hoping
the next weary traveler, who occupied
No. 2G, would not meet with bo "hear
ty a reoeption as fell to me. GentU
men, the affection those insects mani
fest for mankind is indeed marvelous,
and I find in my case that their dem
onstrations are very exhausting to
one's vitality.'
Everyone In the court-room was
convulsed with laughter as the pris
oner now Bat dowu, appxrently from
sheer weariness, wiping his eyes with
his coat sleeves. He was released by
paying $1 and cost9, which took the
last penny he had.
In a few hours he left the city, shak
ing the dust from his No. II bovine-
hide bon's, convinced that the country
was the place from him. The follow
ing night he slept in a barn twelve
miles from the city, suffering much
from the craviugs of hunger, and
was hotly pursued the next morning
aUnut daylight by the proprietress of
the place, with an uplifted broom,
and the fiercest imprecation. She
allowed no tramps on her premises
over night, and the next time he
came that way he had better not call
Jeremy assured her he would not.
We think he would have been quite
disheartened at the continuance of ill
luck only that hp was hut a few miles
from Farmer Smythe's, a paradise hp
hoped to reach, even in bis enfeebled
condition, at noon, and be was not
disappointed iu his calculations.
At 12 precisely, that day, he dined
off a luscious dish of ham and eggs,
with the Smy thp family. To them be
related the story of his adventures in
the city, no eveu omitting the disa
greeable details of his encounter at the j
Porter House, incarceration at the!
lock-up, etc.
Heptaliua was more affected and in
terested atthe recital thaneithernf the
others, and wept and laughejl alter
nately, her sympathies all with Jere
my. 'Well, Jertmy, you have found a
good, haven at last. I will be glad to
have,you with me as long as you can
content yourself, and will pay you
for helping me on the farm, my work
being a little behindhand.'
This Farmer Smythe said, patting
his youug friend on the shoulde-r in a
very friendly way.
Jeremy said he would remain a week
or two and then return home, as no
doubt his parents were anxious about
him.
At the end of a mouth Jeremy start
ed homeward, with his great heart ov
erflowing with happiness. Heand
Heptalina had madeYcontract for life.
Just one month from then she would
become his bride.
He was not long walking the twenty-five
miles, and as soon as he was in
sight of the old homestead his father
and mother both hastened to meet him
and rain tears of love on his neck.
Jeremy was remindedof the account
given of the Prodigal Son, still wa
aware that their cases varied, as he
had not waited much in riotous liv
ing. Nor was thefatted calf killed, al
though the joy of those parents'
hearts was great at his return, for Jer
emy had been a good, obedient boy,
and was all their dependence.
He could not gather courage, at
first, to tell them of his engagement
to Heptalina, but when he did he was
told by tiiem both that the old house
should be enlargpd, and that they
would all live and die in the same
placp.
Thus Jeremy resumed hie labor on
the old farm, never leaving itagaiu to
secure an agency.
After haying he brought home his
bride, and all went 'merry as a mar
riage bell.'
IlcHgious Views of Thomas Paine.
Paine evidently held just about the
religious opinions held by Jefferson
and the leading French and Ameri
can public men of the day, but Paine
was an open-hearted, outspoken na
ture, and if he hud views about kings,
and queen, and liberty, and mason
ry, and Christianity, he must tell
them to the world. He had no pow
er of concealment. It stands true
that be wa ju-t as eager to over
throw a religion as he was to over
throw h king. That lie toiled hon
estly atall forms of destruction is
hardly to be denied. He was sincere,
but often iu the wrong. The public
mint! must come very slowly up to
new views upon some details of its
religions, and hence Bishop Colenso.
a man of piety and of goodness, ha
gone beyond Puiup iu attacking the
literalism of the Old Testament, aud
even Professor Smith, the Scotch
Preshyteiian, has taid some thing-'
Mbout the Old Testament ages which
Thoina- Paine would have been giud
to know in his day. Paine's remark
'that the book of Ilnth is only the
siili account of a country girl who
wished to marry her cousin." is a
briet and rather pleasant commenta
ry compared with the commentarv
of modern times that Hull) all the
rest of the world of nien ami women
came from protoplasm, and without a
heaven or a God. David Swing in
the Chicago Alliance ( (Insect).
The Peach Borer.-Four years
ago I heard that the wiuter onions or
shallots set around the trees would
prevent borers- from working on
peach trees. I tried the experiment
on fifty trees just set, and on exam
ining them tn-d'iy I find many trees
not thus protected are full of wormB,
but I' have never found a worm on
one with onions growing around It.
L-set eight to twelve around each
tre9. Prairie Farmer
! When von bnrv an old animosity,
nevermind putting up a tombbtone.
THAIS AND JIAX DE QTJILLE.
terminating Redskins iTilli Babbit
jletal. They Fire a Whole
Printing Oflicc From a
Howitzer.
It was nearly twenty years ago
when Dan Da Quille and Mark Twain
attempted to start a paper in Mendo
cino couuty. They took the type
and material of their recently de
funct newspaper establishment iu
San Francisco, and loading the stuff
on a big wagon, struck out into the
country to retrieve their fortunes.
They packed their type ju-t as it
stood in the forms, tied op the arti
cles with etout cords, by a prooess
well known to printers, and packing
them closely in boxes, vowed to es
tablish a newspaper somewhere
which would be the leading expo
nent of politics and history for the
Pacific Coast. Had not an unfortu
nate circumstance taken place, it is
quite evident that the same newspa
per which thei contemplated build
ing would have been alive to-day.
Their journey over the mountains
was utterly uneventful until they
reached Simpson's Station, a spot
well known to old travelers on that
route. Here they met a party of emi
grants making for Lower California,
and the latter had with them a small
mountain howitzer, which they had
brought with them across the plain?.
Twaiu took a great fancy to thie
gun, and offered $50 for it, with two
kegs of powder thrown in. The emi
grants were glad enough to part with
it, as they had concluded the time for
its use had passed. Dan thought the
purchase of the artillery and milita
ry supplies was a reckless piece of ex
travagance, 'and said as much, but
Twain replied :
"When we start our paper we must
fire a salute. A newspaper office with
artillery has a big bulge on the busi
ness. No well regulated office in Cal
ifornia should be without a howitzer.
If a man comes in for a retraction, we
can blow him into the next couuty.
The howitzer goes."
This silenced the argument, and
the next day the two journalists took
the road with their printing outfit
ami artillery.
On the uext night they camped in
a mountain ravine fifteen miles from
Simpson's, aud after building the
usual camp fire, fell asleep. About 11
o'clock the horses awakened them by
prancing about, and the two journal
ists were led to the conclusion that
nothing less than a party of Iudians
were making arrangements for a
night attack In the clear moonlight
they could be distinguished about
hail a mile away at the foot of the
ravine. The idea of encountering In
dians hud never entered the heads of
the two fortune-seekers, aud they had
no arms. Suddenly Twain brighten
ed up, remarking:
"The howitzer."
"We've got nothing but powder,"
said Dan.
"Well, powder'll scare 'em, and
we'll load her up."
The piece was immediately loaded
with a good big charge and the two
men felt quite certain that the In
dians, hearing the roar of the gun,
would beat an unconditional retreat.
The piece was hardly loaded aud
placed in position when about fifty of
the redskius came charging up the
ravine.
Twain seized a brand from the
camp-fire and was about to lay it on
the touch-hole when Dan yelled
"Hold on," as he rammed something
into the mouth of the piece, and re
marked :
" Turn 'er loose.''
The roar of the howitzer echoed
through the .lonely forests, and the
sitvagps, with frantic cries of pain,
reeled dowu the ravine iu wild con
fusion. "What in h II did you put in?"
asked Mark.
"A column of solid nonpareil and a
couple of sticks of your spring poe
try." "The poetry did the business, Dan.
Get one of your geological articles
ready for the next charge, aud I guess
it'll let the red devils out for the
present campaign."
The savages again advanced. Mark
attended to the powder, and Dan
sorted the shot, so to speak.
"Jeems Pipes' song, 'My Mountain
Home.'"
"Good for three Indians; sock'er
in
n
"An acrostic by John R. Ride, in
long primer."
"It'll piralyze 'em."
"Frank Pixley on the Constitution ;
half a column of leaded brevier."
"If it hits 'era the day is won."
"Your leader on Law aud Order."
"Save it as a last resort."
Dm pulled the typeoutof the boxes
and stuffed column after column In the
howitzer's mouth as the savages came
charging on. Another round from the
gun and the redskins rolled over and
over each other like boulders swept
away by a mountain cloud burst.
Mark, in an ecstasy of delight, pulled
an American flsg out of his effects,
nailed it to the tail-board of the wag
on and was about to mak- a speech,
when the dusky figures of the foe
were once ruore seen moving to the
attack.
The piece waa again loaded, and this
time with a double charge. Mark's
leaderou "Law and O der," the-pulf
of an auction house by Fred McCrel
ish ("as a sickener," Dan said)', Frank
Cirnsn' verges on "The R-h. Vll
"" w w """ w -..
jan agricultural article by Sam8e -
baugh, showing the chemical proper
ties of corn juice as an educational
lever, a maiden poetical effort of Olive
Harper, and some verses by Col. Cre
mery and Frank Soule completed the
load.
"That poetry, reaching 'em first,
will throw 'em into confusion, and
my editorial, coming upon the heels
of the rest, will result in a lasting de
moralization. It will be like the last
cavalry charge of the French at tho
battle of Austerl'tz
For the third and last time the
faithful howitzer belched Its typo
graphical compliments to the advanc
ing foa. The havoo was terrible
There was a wild yell from a scora of
savage throats and then the low
groans of the dying floated up the ra
vine on the gentle wind. The two
men walked over the field of slaugh
ter and counted fifty-six aboriginals
lying in heaps. The bodies were hor
ribly mutilated with nonpareil, long
primer, two line pica, bourgeois
"caps," inisere dashes, and unsorted
"My leader cooked that man's
goose," said Mark, pointing to a sav
age with his bowels hanging over the
limb of a cedar.
"My geological article did the bus
iness for him," rejoined Dan, nod
ding carelessly to an Indlun whose
head was lying twenty yards away.
"The pen is mightier thau the
sword."
"You bet. Hurrah for Faust and
Gutenberg."
"Is there any type left?"
"Not a pouud."
Ten days later the two journalistic
tramps reached Virginia City, weary,
discouraged and foot sore, and secured
a place ou the Enterprise.
TWAIN KE3IEMBER3 THE DEAD.
A fews daya ago Dan received the
following from his former partner:
Hartkokd, Conn., Jan. 1, 1SS0.
Dear Dan: I send yon the con
gratulations of the New Year. Do
you recollect the time we extermina-
ted (?) savages in Mendocino county?
If you can I wish you would make a
pilgrimage to that historic spot, gath
er the ghostly relics together, and
plantntablet (not tooexpensiveandat
yourown expense) for the memory of
tiie departed. Have a shooting stick
laying across a long bow, with our
monogram and coat (.farms entwined,
wnd some appropriate epitaph carved'
in the stones; an extiact from Carl
Schurz, "Peace Policy" might do En
closed is a dollar and a half for your
incidental expenses; you can dead
head traveling expenses. Your?,
Mark Twain.
P. S Send me a thigh bone of the
fallen chief b3 uext express. M. T.
Dan will attend to the matter iu the
spring.
The old howitzer used on the occa
sion 19 still in his possession. Car
son Arpeal.
Hank Monk's Favorite Hurse.
Pantlind, who used to keep the
Ormsby House, tells a good story on
himself in connection with the pur
chase of a horse. He was going from
Carson to California, and resolved to
buy a horse and light wagon aud
travel in that way, because other peo
ple generally traveled on the railway,
and Pantlind doesn't like to do thiogs
as other people do. He was offered a
horse at a reasonable figure "a horse
that Hank Monk used to drive," the
owner said. Pant, hunted up Monk
and oBked him what kind of a horse
it was.
'That hoss,' said Mr. Monk, in a
drawling way; 'that there ho33 was
always my favorite '
Panflind wasiua hurry. He didn't
wait for further particulars, but rush
ed off and bought ''that hoss" at
once. He hitched him up and start
ed off that is, he tried to atart off,
and put in a good deal of time trying.
The horse was balky to the last de
gree. 'Confound him,' said Pant,
'he'd balk going down hill.' The
hlaud smile of the hotel keeper was
replaced by an angry frown when he
found Hank Monk and reproached
him for recommending the horse.
'I didn't recommend him. Pant., I
wouldn't. recommend him for uothiu'
'cept to feed crows.'
Why, hang it, didn't you say that
he was your favorite horse?'
Why, no, I didn't aud you didn't
wait ter hear what I wanted to say,
nohow. I was a-goin' ter say that
that hoss was my favorite safety-brake
in going down hiji with the coach.
You see, when I get the rheumatiz in
my off leg I can't handle the brake;
so Doc. Bon ton be alius puts that
there hoss on the wheel, aud he's bo
e-v-e-r-Iast-ing-ly all fired lazy that
he hangs back all the way down hill,
and holds the coach better'n I can. I
was all-fired sorry when I heerd Doc.
had sold him.' Virginia Nevada)
Chronicle.
i m
The estimated number of religious
denominations among the English
speaking communities throughout
the world are: Episcopalians, 18.000,
000; Methodists, 1G 000 000; Roman
Catholii-H. 13 500 0O0; Presbyterians,
10.250 OtiO; Brpti-tB. 8.000 000; Con
gregHtinnalisfs. 6.CK.K,000; Unitarians,
1000 000; minor religious sects. 1.
500 000; no particular religion. 8.500.
000. Total, 85.000 000
A German student said to a Profes
sor: "WliHt Tknow about Napoleon
can be summarized by the statement
that the name of the family begin-
with a large N and ends with a small
jone."
X Very Quiet Game.
There are some people who think it
awful wicked for husband aud wife to
sit down together of an evening and
play cards, while others can't sea
where the harm comes In.
'Why.' said the colonel a few daya
ago, when the subject of card-playing
was under dismission, 'doea any one
pretend that my wife and I can't play
a few game- uf euchre without disput
ing and arguing and getting mad over
it. Loafers can't, perhaps, but we
could play for a thousand years and
never have a word yea, we could."
The others shook their beads in a
dubious way, and the nettled colonel
walked straight to a stationer's and
bought the nicest pack he could find.
That eveulng. when his wife was
ready to sit down to her faucy work,
he produced the cards and said :
'May, I was told to-day that you
and I couldn't play cards without
disputing and getting into a row.
Darling draw up here."
Dearest we will not have a word of
dispute not one.' she replied,- as she
put away her work. .
The colonel shuffled away aud dealt
and turned up a heart.
I order it up,' she observed, as alio
looked over her cards.
I was going to take it up anyhow,'
growled the colonel, as uis chin fell,
all his own cards being black.
'Play to that,' aba said as she put
down the joker.
'Whoever heard of anybody lead
ing out in trumps!' he exclaimed.
Why don't you lead out with au
ace?'
Or I can play this hand.'
You can, eh? Well, I'll make it
the sickest play you ever eaw!. Ha!
took all the tricks, eh? ,VelI, I
thought I'd encourage you a .little.
Give me the cards it'B my deal.'
'You dealt before.'
'No, Ididu't!'
'Why, yea you did! We have only
played one hand.'
Well, go ahead and deal all the
time If you want to! I'll make two
off your deal, anyhow. Whal'a
trump?'
She turned up a club. He had only
the cine spot, but he scratched his
head, puckered his mouth and seem
ed to want to order It up. The bluff
rdidn't work. She took it up and he
led an ace of hearts.
'No hearts, "eh?' he sbonted as she
trumped it. 'Refusing suit iB a regu
lar Ioafer'9 trick. I'll keep an eye on
you. Yes, take it and that and
that and all of 'em ! It's mighty
queer where you got all those trumps.
Stocked the cards on me. did you?
Now, dear, I played as fair aa could
be, and made two, and if I make one
on your deal I'll skunk you.'
'I'd like to see you make oneon my
deal!' he puffed. 'I've been fooling
along to encourage you, but now' I'm
going to beat you out of sight. Dia
monds are trumps.'
'She passed and be took it up on
two small trumps. He took the 'first
trick, she the next two, he the fourth
and when he put out his last trump
she had the joker.
'SkuukeJ, skunked !' she exclaimed
as she clapped her hands in glee;-
You didn't follow suit!'
'Oh, yes, I did.'
'I know better I You refused
spades!'
'But I hadn't any.'
'You hadn't eh? Why didu't?you
have any? I never saw a hand yet
without at least one spade in it!'
.'Why, husband, I know how to play
cards?'
And don't I? Wasn't I playing
euchre when you were learning to
walk ! I say you stocked the cards
on me !'
'No, I didn't, you are a poor player;
you don't know how to lead !'
I I why, maybe I'm a fool, and
maybe I don't know anything, and
so you can play alone and have all
trumps every time!'
He pushed back, grabbed his paper,
wheeled around to the gas, and it'was
nearly thirty-six hours before he
smiled again. Nevertheless, no' one
else ever had a dispute over cards.
Detroit Free Press.
Eloqnence.
Eloquence in a man Is as difficult
to define as fascination in a woman.
It is an indescribable something
which carries us away captive, we
know not why or how. And it Is' al
most infinite in variety. Burke was,
and is. considered one of the greatest,
if not the greatest of English orators;
yet the House of Commons never ad
journed after a speech of his to enable
the members to regain their mental
bala'nci. The House of Commons
did do that for Sheridan. None "will
deny to Webster first-class oratorical
ability, yet he could never sweep an
audience with him as did Clay. Burke
and Webster will live forever in print;
Sheridan and Clay in that fond tradi
tion which is quite as imperishable
if not as Bttisfactory. Sargent 8
Prentiss was probably more eloquet.
thau either Sheridan or Clay, yet he
exi9ts only as a dim and fading mem
ory. It is doubtful whether the very
highest order of eloquence cau "be
preserved iu auy other way. -The
subtle spirit that prevadea it aud jiv
P9 to it irresistible power evaporates
in type. The body is there, but the
soul has fled. So the grandest elo
quence may he said to die with the
breath that carries it to the ear. Do
mosfipnes and Cicero we read tbem
with delljrht. but whni mu-t thy
have hppn to those who beird the
word- of living fire rush from the
speaker's Hp.
s.
ts