ITcbmslia 5uwlic:r
CBCCH.
J. L. COLHArr.
T. C. BACEX&.
AQTEHTIS15G KATE?. "
One simre (19 lines or lest) 1st lasestlcn $1 C3
Bach subsequent insertion, 1 00
Business Cards, one year, St lines or less 6 W
KkS additional Una 1 00
On Column, on year, $90 00
One Column, iu months. 60 09
One Column, three moMae, SO 00
Half Colnmn, one year, 60 00
Half Column, six mootna, 30 00
Half Colnmn, tnree months, 11 00
Jonrta Column, one year, so 00
Fourth Column, tlx months, 21 CO
Fourth Colnmn, three months, 15 00
Klth Colnmn, one year, SI 00
Eiihth Colnmn, six months, 15 00
Eighth Column, three months, 10 00
Announcing Candidates for one 6 03
Stray Notices (each head) I 00
Local Notlcee Charged as Ti ancient Advertisements.
crimen, colhapp & co.,
berton'i Block, 2d Floor, Hall Entrance,
Ay aV Ay
TSR MS t
,PT cne JT l adranee, WM
jription, mart intaiiakly, be patd In Advance
Book TOTk, end ruin and Farcy Job Work done
test style, andon snort notice. 1'
!0L. XII.
BROWNVILLE, NEBRASKA, THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 1868.
NO, 26.
oyRv if
IS
ikA Ay -
"LIBERTY AND UNION, ONE AND INSEPARABLE, NOW AND FOREVER."
RECTORY.
nJTOBESSIOWAI, DELEGATION".
I w. Tir-TOK, U. 8. Senator, Brownville,
i'U.Thayeb, " " Omaha.
johh Tatfe, Representative, DakoU City.
STATE DIRECTORY.
Patid Bctler, Governor. Pawnee City.
'bos P. Cenkako, Secretary, Omaha.
j0H Gillespie. Auditor, Omaha.
.rcrsTCS Kovmz. Treasurer.
E i. K0X, Librarian, Omaha.
JUDICIARY.
0 f . Karo. Juupeof 1st Judicial District,
vm- H- Oootek, District Clerk for Nemaha Co.
LEGISLATURE.
VaJ T. J. Majors, Senator. Pern, Nemaha Co.
Gio Crow, Representative, Fairview do
roris Waldtii, do Brownville, do
Chas BiTWOOO, do Grant, do
um.Dailt, d peru, do
"XTTED STATES DIRECTORY.
ATKiKSO, Register, I V. 8. Land Office,
"oh"' L. Carson, Receiver, J Brownville.
g f Tcttle, C S. As. Assessor, Brownville.
' d' Marsh, Post Master, Browovllle.
S M. Rl- ReKil'r in Bankrnptcy.
. COUNTY DIRECTORY.
James H. Hackee, Clerk and Register of Deeds,
c V. Brattok, Treasurer.
W Morgan, Probate JutUe.
pivinsos Plasters, Sheriff.
Vj. Wright, Surveyor.
rG. Holmes. )
Tbillip STarb, County Commissioner.
; L M'Gee, )
itRKARu Otteks, Coroner.
:ITY DIRECTORY.
jiivis S. CHrRCH. Mayor.
wm.H. McCreer. Clerk.
M y. BOYD, Marshall.
jokas Hacker, Collector.
wm. U. hooter, Treasurer.
T. R. Fisher. Engineer.
j. x. Retkolds, Attorney.
C.F.Stewart,
T.C. Hacxer,
C. r. wheeler, VAldermen.
A. W. MOBOAH,
A.P.C06SWELL. )
Chu relics.
-t Baptist. Services on Second Sunday and
dint Saiurdsy of each month at 2 o'clock P. M.
, Methodist church in Brownville. Rev. M. F.
'AMS, Paftor.
;hodist Episcopal. Serrices every Sunday,
-l A M., aud 6 l- P. M. Prayer Meeting every
-it evening Sunday School every Sabbath at
I M Rev. W. S. BLACKBURN, Pastor,
icopal-Services In McPherson's Hall every
oDdly at 101-2 A.M., and every Sunday at
t M Sonday School at 2 1-4 P. M. every Sun
Kt.'g. R. LAViS, Missionary.
?t Presbyter.an Services every Sunday at
A M. and 6 1-2 P. M. ; Sunday School at 2 1.4
5 prer meeting every Wednesday at 7 P. M.
JOHK T. BAIRD, Pastor.
Ival and Departure of Malls.
rn Mail arrives dai ly, except Sunday, at 1 , p . m.
daparu " 1 1-2
hern Mail arrives" " " atl.p.m
departs ' " " at 1 1-2 "
tern Mail arrives eveiT Wednesday at 4, p. m.
" departs every Monday at 8, a. m.
-t Mail arrives every Tuesday at 6, p. m.
" departs every Wednesday at 8, a.m.
CDOrtMail arrives every Saturday at S, . m.
deparu " " 1-2, p. m.
oni will oblige by getting their mail in fully
iti hour before the depattureof malls.
a opea Sunssys from 8 to 9, a. m., and from 4 to
A.D. MARSH, P. M.
XiODQE DIRECTORY.
wrtille R. A. Chapter. Meets at Masonic
.n Brownville each Monday evenine. for lectures
ri. B. W. FURNAS, H. P.
. R. Davis, See.
mara Vallet Lodo No. 4, A Fa A M meets
irly In the Masonic Hall on the IstanlSd Satur
af ech month. T. W. BEDFORD, W. M.
1. Moaaisoif , Secretary.
jwuviLLE Lodoi, 1 O of O F. meets regularly
I Tuesday evening In tbe Mavonic Hall.
H. C. LETT, N. O.
w Faikbbother, Sec.
rwitviLLE Lodge, I O of 6 T, meets regularly
7 friday evening In tbe Masonic nail.
FREDERICK PARKER, W. C. T.
3. I.iwis, W. S.
A K Post No. 1. Nemaha County, meets every
i tie Thursday, in BrowDvllle, over Dorsey It
Clothing Store, all, r. m.
Capt. O. B. IIXWETT, P. 0.
O.BLACEBURR, P. A.
iKOXIA Meets every Wednesday evening In
ail west of Telegraph Office. McPoerson's Block.
LOUIS WALDTER, Pres.
i. Shutx, Sec
cwrtillb Literary Association Meets
7 Thursday evening at 7, P. M.
J. S. SCHENE. Pres.
i. R. ErrrMAH, Sec.
TERR CKIOR TELXORArit Compakt Office
Pberson's Block. J. K. BEAR, Operator.
RUGSTORS
HOLLADAY & CO.,
Wholesale and Retail Deater la
'GS, MEDICINE, PAINT, OIL, &c,
P. 0. Building, Main St.,
WM. H. McCREERY,
Whoietale and Retail Dealer In
Book's, Wall-paper and Stationery,
Corner Main and 1st Sts.,
" MERCHANDISE.
V , v S VV N N" S v
GEORGE MARION,
Dealer In
1 Goods, Groceries BBS5 & Notions.
toot or stain street near ievrc, i
3. Established
1850.
WM. T. DEN,
Wholesale and Retail dealer In
GENERAL MERCHANDISE,
3 Planters, Plows, Stoves, Furniture.
'MISSION A SD FOR WA RDING ME S CHA-Vr
Main street bet. Levee and 1st,
frt market price paid for Hides, Pelts, Furt and
mc, by W1I.T.DEM.
G. M. HENDERSON.
Dealer la Foreign and Domestic
1Y GOODS AND GROCERIES
Main bet. 1st and 2d Sts.,
CHARLES BRIEGEL
2R HALL, LUNCH ROOM
AKD LIGHT GROCERY STORE,
Main bet. 1st and 2d Sts.,
J. L. McGEE Si CO.,
Dealers in
2NERAL MERCHANDISE.
MePherson's Block, Main street.
JORNEYS
Mipton O.B.Hesrett J. S. Church
PTON, HEWETT & CHURCH,
'TTOUNEYS AT JLiAW.
la McPherson's B lock. Mala et. between 2d k M.
TEOMAB. J, E. B EO APT.
THOMAS & BROADY
niey s at Law k Solicitors in Chancery,
Office over Dorsey's Clothing Store,
WM. McLENNAN,
ATTORNEY A.T U-A."W
MBRASKA CITT, NEBRASKA.
8. B. HARRINGTON.
Attorney
and Counselor at Law,
Beatrice . Gage o- Keh.
PERKINS A GILLESPIE,
ittcmeys and Counselors at Law,
. Teeumstk, Johnson Co., Nth.
CHESTER P. OTF. I
:nej ttLaw tind War Claia Aent,
j kAn l
t aMl bt'Fi 4vrf4a. i
HOTELS.
I. ETZTEKSON.
D. O. CBOSS.
STAR HOTEL,
STEVENSON.' CROSS, Proprietor".
On Levee St.. between Main h. Atlantic.
This Bouse is convenient to the Steam Boat Landing.
and the business rart of the City. The best accommo
dations in the City. No pains will be spared in mak
ing cues ta comfortable. Good Stable and Corral con
venient to the House.
PENNSYLVANIA HOUSE.
MICHAEL FINK. Proprietor.
Southside Main between 1st and 2nd streets.
Meals at all Honrs, or for Regular Boarders, at
toe usual rates. lZ-ll-ly
AMERICAN HOUSE,
Zi. D. ROBISON", Proprietor.
A good Feed and Livery Stable in connection with the
House. Front street, between Main and Water,
PHYSICIANS.
J. W. BLACKBURN, M.D.
PENSION EXAMINING SURGEON,
Tenders his professional service to tho eitizensof
Brownville and vicinify.
OFFICE AT CITY DRUO STORE.
Niebt calls at his Residence south side of Atlan-
tio between 1st and 2nd streets.
H. L. MATHEWS,
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON,
orricr
OITV PTtTJO STORE,
A. S. HOLLADAY. M. D.
(Graduated in 1S51 ; Lcited in Brownville tnlB66.)
Physician, Surgeon and Obstetrician,
Dr. n. bas oo band complete sets of Amputat
ing, Trephining and Obstetrical instruments.
Office: Hollaaay&Co's Drug Store. P. O.
P.S. Special attention given to Obstetrics ana
the diseases of women and children. x-44-ly
C. F. STEWART, M. D.
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON,
OFFICE:
South East corner of Main and First btreets
Uffici HoCRS 7 to 9 a. x. and 1 to 2 and 6$ to
74 r. m.
BLACKSMITHS.
J. H. BESON,
Will do BLACKSMITHING of all kinds.
Make Eorse Shoeing, Ironing of Wagont and Sleight
ana Machine worn a specialty.
Shop on Main St., west of McPbernon's Block,
J. W. & J. C. GIBSON,
BLACKSMITHS
SHOP on 1st between Main and 2d,
AH Work done to order Satufaction Ouarrantied.
JOHN FLORA,
BLACKS MIT II
Shop on Water Street South of American House
r7Uustom uork ol all urnas soicuea. u-u
NEWS DEPOTS.
A. D. MARSH,
CITY BOOK STORE.
SCHOOL BOOKS, STATIONERY, &c,
Post Offlre. Msin St.
STOVE & TIN STORES.
JOHC. DEUSER,
Dealer in
STOVES, TINWARE, PUMPS, &c.
Opposite Mcrherson's B'oct,
SHELLEBERGER BRO'S
Manufacturer! and Dealer in
TINWARE, STOVES. HARDWARE. VAUft.-
TER'S TUUL.S. tiLtA In J All I 1 J
FURXISHIXGS 4-c.
Mcpherson's Block Brcwnville, Neb.
BOOTS & SHOES.
CHARLES HELLMER,
BOOT AND SHOE MAKER,
8a.S
and the best material and ability lor aomg i
tSTCustom Work done with neatness awe
irl rl itnalrh. I
A. ROBINSON,
BOOT AND SHOE MAKER,
Main Between 1st & 2d Street
" . .. .
Takes this method of informing tae puonc w.
ha bas nn band a spl
splendid assortneni oi uents.ua
Ladie'i Misses' and Chlldrens'i
BOOTS & SHOES,
ryCuston work done with neatness and dispatches
Repairing done on short notice. 10-30 fnnn
CONFECTIONARIERS.
,aawv'wvwv''v'v'w
WILLIAM ROSSELL,
CONFECTIONERY AND TOY STORE
Fresh Bread, Cakes, Ovster , Fruit, c, on hand.
Sonthside Main between 1st ana tx mrcen,
J. P. DEUSER,
Dealer In
Confectionaries, Toys, Notions, &c,
Main bet. 1st and 2d Sts.,
WM. ALLEN,
Prnnrl.lnv of the CITY AJAJi-iittX. ancy n c-
- r . . i . . n..u.
ding Cake rorniDea u u" nuno. to.c.
la Confectionaries. Fruits and best Family Flour.
Main Street bet. 1st andZd,
SADDLERY.
J. H. BAUER.
Manufacturer and Dealer In
HJJRA'ESS. BRIDLES &' COLLARS
Mending done to order .jtlsfactlon guarranuea.
Shop on Main bet. Utandid st..
JOHN W. MIDDLETON
Manufacturer and Dealer In
I HARNESS, BRIDLES, COLLARS,
WhlDf and Lashes of every description. Plastering
Hair, cash paia tor uiaes.
Corner Main and 2d Sts.,
W. D. MAHIN.
Manufacturer and Dealer in all kinds of
Saddles, Harness, Whips, Collars, &c.
Smith's Patent Trace Buckles,
Nixon's Patent Trace Buckles.
2orl Side Slain Street,
MRS. J. M. GRAHAM,
TEACHER OF MUSIC.
LESS01TI GIVIir ON THE PIANO, ORG AW,
MELODEON. GUITAR AND VOCALIZATION.
Having had eicht years experience as Teacher of
Music in New York is confident of giving satisfacnon.
Rooms Mam.-et. 4thc otn sts.
!I-ly BROWNVILLE, NEBRASKA.
GATES & BOUSEFIELD,
BRICKLAYERS & PLASTERES
Will take contracts for Bricklayinr. Plastering, I
fSfi" cA8Tan4d"JtviDgtteLr.
In the most satisfactory and wortaanh
AUr.4V,t0i5, 2-tlj I
G. P. BERKLEY,
CARRIAGE AND SIGN PAUTTER,
Orainer, Gilder, Glazier and Paper-Hanger.
All work done on Short Notice, Favorable Terms and
Warranted. OfHc over Teare & Coh Stre, Main St.,
BROWNVILLE, XEBR.ISKA. 12-2l-ly
BATH ROOMS.
J. L. ROY,
BARBER AND HAIR DRESSER,
North side Main St., between 1st and 2d.
Has a splendid snit of Bath Booms, Also a choice
stock of Gentlemen's Notions.
A. W. MORGAN,
Probate Judge & Justice of the Peace,
Court House Building, Main St.
J. C. McNAUGHTON,
Notary Public and Conveyancer,
Agent or " National Life " and " Hartford Live
itocK lmurance" vompantet.
Office In J. L. Carson's Bank,
R. F. BARRETT,
GENERAL LAND AGENT, AND
LAND WARRANT BROKER,
Will attend to paying Takes for Non-residents. Per
sonal attention given to making Locations. Lands,
Improved and unimproved, for sal on reasonable
terms. vl2-n2o-ly
E. H. BURCHES,
LANDSCAPE GARDNER
Will the coming Spring plant crops in Gardens and
ultlvate same by contract. Will also have on hand
weet Potato, Cabbage, Tomato & Pepper plants for sale
WORTHING & WILCOX,
STORAGE, FORWARDING
AND
COMMISSION MERCHANTS,
And dealer in all kinds of Grain for which they pay
the Iltghett Market Price n Cat.
GEO. W . DORSET. LUTHER HOADLEY. CHAS. O. DORSET
DORSEY. HOADLEY & CO..
REAL ESTATE AGENTS, AND
DEALERS IX LAND WARRANTS AND AG
RICULTURAL COLLEGE SCRIP.
Office in Land Office Building,
Bar and sell Improved and unimproved Lands. Buy,
sell and locate Land Warrants and Agricultural Col
lege Scrip. Make careful selections of Government
Lands for Location, Homesteads, ana re-eruptions.
Attend to contested Homesteads and Pre-emption cases
In tbe Land Office. Letters of Inquiry promptly ana
carefully answered. Correspondence solicited. 26W
FRANZ HELMER,
WAGON MAKER
OPPOSITE DEUSER'S TIN-SHOP,
WAGONS, BUGGIES. PLOWS, CUTjTI-
VII ORS, &c, Repaired on short notice, at low rates
and warranted to give satisfaction. x-13-f n nn
JONAS HACKER,
Tax Collector for the City of Brownville,
Will attend to the payment of Taxetfox non-retident
land owners in Nemana vounty. corrcs
pondence Solicited,
Office on Main bet. 1st and 2d,
SMITH P. TUTTLE,
17. S. Assistant Assessir and Claim Agent. Will at
tend to the Prosecution of Claims before the Depart
ment for Ad Bounty. Back Pay and Pensions. Also,
to the Collection of Semi-Aunual dues on Pensions,
Office over Carsons Bank Main street,
A. STAFFORD,
PHOTOGRAPHIC ARTIST
Persons wishing Pictures executed in the latest style
of trie Art mill piease can at my -ni uuuiy.
Main street bet. 1st and 2d street,
J. W. SMITH.
BARBER AND HAIR DRESSER
Main St., 5th door from S W cor 2nd St.
KEISWETTER & EARSMAN,
Butcher.,
CITY MEAT MARKET,
I Uln Ka 1 at sanrl 9nf1 H?
'
J'Jt
CLOCKS,WATCHES, JEWELRY,
silver and Sllver-Plated Ware. Constantly on hand
all varieties of Spectacles. Repairing done in the
Work warranted. City Diug Store,
BROWNVILLE, NEBRASKA.
W. H. KIMBERLIN,
Anm Tom a tvtta a TTTITOT'
M ,MI.I j J AUJLY lOl .
, .v. a r...
nui ireaiau xsiseases ui ilb tjro uu umi.
Rooms at the Star Hotel,
Tenders bis services to the citizens of this city and
vicinity. May be consulted at the above place from the
1st to the 10th of each month. And at the saiemuouse,
Salem. Richardson county , Nebraska,
from the 10th to tbe last of each month. 12-llly
JOHN L. CARSON,
3
23rownvlllo,
INToTo.
Exchange bought and sold on all
the principal
Silver Coic,
Cities. Also, dealer in Gold and
Gold Dust and
GOVERNMENT BONDS.
Deposits received, payable at sight.
Interest paid on time Deposits by especial
agreement Taxes paid Jor non-residents
All kinds of
U, S. BONDS WANTED
. JOHN L. CARSON.
R. F. BARRETT,
Proprietor of the
HEW STEAM FERRY BOAT,
EUK SET, and owner of the entire Ferry FrancblH at
BROWMILLE, KCQRASKA,
Would respectfully represent to the- Traveling Public
that they can be ferried over the Missouri River, at
Brownville, promptly and without delay, at all hours
In the day time.
The capacity of the boat will accommodate
Fifteen Loaded Wagons and Teams
OR 100 HEAD OF BEEP CATTLE,
Am ttti mv vn
XXA. X JLVAJL B20-tf
MRS. EOICE LEACH, MISS MART A. 8IHF80K
LEACH & SIMPSON,
Milliners & Dress-Makers
i8b to inform tbe ladies of Urownvine and
ricinitj that they has just commenced a first class
MILLINERY & DRESS-MAKING
"TTT
Where work will be done with great care and neat
ness.and after tbe latest Eastern styles.
Bleaching and Repairing done in the Tory latest
stle and on short notice.
Latest stjles of Ladie's and Children's Hats and
thin cut nn sbnrt nr.ti
Second Street, between Main & Water
PDnnrvrrrr.P vrnp crr a
" m t i iiiuini
JkstiHsd IsLl
OKIGINALJOETE
Written for the Advertiser.
STE1KE FOB GENEEAIi GBAKT. .
Ara "Alabama Joe." ''
This Union it has had a war
With an accursed foe,
Who threatened all our liberty ;
But Grant he laid them low.
Ee trashed 'em soundly at Yicksborg,
At Appomatoz too ;
He forced th e Gray homage to pay
To the brave boys ia bine.
Choecs Then strike for Gen. Grant, my boys.
For Grant the brave and true ;
The White House is awaiting for
The Chief of the Boys in Blue.
Sheridan charged down the Tale,
And Sherman to the sea,
Grant laid his trap and ler-slap
lie had old General Lee.
Then Andy tried to capture him
And loyal Stanton, too ;
Grant was too much for Andy's clan,
And all the rebel crew.
Choeu3 Then strike for Gen. Grant, Ao.
Hell reconstruct the rebel States
Upon the loyal plan
Freedom unto every race,
And rotes for loyal men.
Then strike for Gen. Grant, my boys,
The White House we will take j
The Boys in Blue are always true ;
Well make the rebels quake.
Chobcb Then strike for Gen. Grant ,4a.
Grant has led us bravely through
A long and bloody war ;
Then he was backed by the boys in Eiue,
Now by the G.A.R.
Then charge along the line, my boys,
Down with the rebel crew ;
Grant leads on to victory,
'Neath the Red, White and Blue.
Choecs Then strike for Gen. Grant, &o.
SELECTJTOEY
TIIE TALE OF A TEATELLEB.
BY JOHN QTJILL.
You see,' said my great-grand-father,
who had gathered a crowd of his friends
around him at the grocery store in Darby,
one evening; 'you see I was once a sail
or before the mast in a small vessel, which
was cruising about ia the South At-
antic Ocean.
She was a very small vessel, and bo
frail that I was afraid most all the time
that she would go to piece with all on
board, but she didn't. It happened one
day that I was sent aloft to nail a bluck
of some kind on to the top of the main
mast, and as we had no hatchet, I took
an axe. I hit the mast three or four
pretty stiff knocks, when all of a sudden
I thought I felt her go down with a jerk.
But she looked all right, and I thought
it couldn't possibly be. So I came down
and said nothing about it.
Three or four days afterwards the
mate says to the captain;
'Cap., it s queer we don t sight land by
this time.
'Very queer,' sayt the captain.
'And what's funny about it is that for
several day3 past my instruments have
made us out to be in precisely the same
latitrde and longitude.
'Maybe something's the matter with
sun.
'Or perhaps the parallels of latitude
have shifted.'
'Or maybe you've made a mistake in
your figures.'
'I didn't think of that, says the mate.
So they took another observation, and
found that they were in precisely the
same old. place. Everybody was fright
ened, and it was not until after a close
examination that it was at last ascertaned
that I had actually driven that mainmast
through the bottom of the ship into the
mud, when it bad stuck fast, and there
that old tnb had been spinning round
and round, like a weather-cock on a pole,
all this time, without anybody knowing
it.
To say that the captain was mad, don't
describe it. He roared around so about
it that I got scared, and hid myself in an
old cask in ihe hold. There I laid all
day, when it was decided to heave part
of the cargo overboard so as to lighten
ship, and the cask I was in headed up,
and me afraid to budge, and the whole
concern heaved into the water.
I was in that barrel about four days.
It was a little crowded, to be sure, and
it would roll some, but on the whole I
was comfortable. One day I felt myself
tos3ed on shore, and then I was so certain
of saving my life, that I just turned over
and took a first-class sap.
I was waked by something tickling my
face. At first 1 thought it was a mos
quito, nut men a rememDerea mat no
mosquito could possibly have got into that
barrel anyhow. I brushed at it again
a a .
and caught it. it was a straw, l gave
it a jerk. Something knocked agin the
barrel outside, and 1 heard the word
Tuyfel!'
Then another straw was inserted, and
I pulled that harder yet. Something
struck the barrel again, and I heard this
exclamation:
Der Tuyfel!
Then another strow was put in, and I
caught hold of it, and saw that it came
through the bung.hole, and there was a
man outside trying to suck something or
other through that straw, and every time
1 gave her a jerk it jammed his old nose
cat against the staves. So I gave her
one xaor pall, isd thea kicking the
head out of the cask, I got out, and said
to this fellow;
Look a here, what in the deuce are
you trying to do, anyhow?'
vY cm,' says lie, shaking his head.
'What are you looking around here
for, say?'
vmn, says he.
That makes eighteen,' says I.
JVein,' says he.
Twenty-seven,' says I. 'Go on; I'll
add it up for you. I'm a lightning calcu
lator, I am.'
Win.1
Thirty-six,'I said. 'You appear to be
a regular original old fine rine. What
club do you belong to, anyway?'
Jvein, says he, still shaking his" head.
Forty-fi ' Just then it flashed ac
ross my mind that he was a Dutchman.
Beer,' says I, to try him.
I had touched a sympathetic cord in
his nature.
O! yaw! says he. Ha! ha das is
goot! O, yaw!' and we rushed into each
other s arms and wept. !
I felt that I had found a friend.
I sincerely wished he had been my
ong lost brother, whith the regular thing
in the strawberry marks on his arm, only
I never had a brother, and he was never
long lost, and never had anything on his
arm.
But. this German was a good fellow.
He lived in Dutch Guiana, and had a
wife and three pretty daughters, who
were so precisely alike that I could nev
er tell one from the other. I fell in love
with one of them; T never could tell
which, so I courted them all three, just
as they happened to come along. One
day they all came in together. I tried
to be sweet on the one I thought was
the right girl, and the other two got so
mad that I was afraid they'd burst some
blood vessel or other. Then all three
of them said I had promised to marry
them, and all three of them repeated
the fond words I had whispered to them,
and accused me of treachery.
It looked blue for me. There was entire
ly too much of Love's chidiogs for comfort.
I then offered to marry them all three,
and to take them to Salt Lake; or to cut
myself in three pieces; or to drown my
self with them and perish in four watery
graves.
Respectfully but firmly declined.
Then they all went out. After a bit
one come in and said:
Abiiah, dear, let us elope together,
and leave these horrid woman, and go to
some sunny clime, where we can be hap
py in the fullness of each other's love.'
I will think it over, my angel. "
She passed out. Then one of them
came :n again.
Abnah, dear, let us fly together, and
leave these horred women, and go to
some sunny clime, where we can be hap
py in the fullness of each other's love.'
'I say I will think over it, my own
angel.'
And she disappeared. But she seem
ed anxious, and so in she comes again
Abiiah, dear, let us fly togather, and
leave these horrid women, and go to
some sunny clime, where we can be hap
py in the fullness of each other's love.'
'Look here, now, you ve said that
three times, and that's enough. My
mind fully grasps the idea. I say I'll
think it over.'
Why, I never said it before,' says
she.
The mischief you didn't,' says I.
Upon my sacred word and honor; I'll
cross my breath to it,' says she.
I saw it all. They had all three of
them tackled me with the same proposi
tion. It was clear that I must fly.
had made up my mind to take the first
boat that left Dutch Uuiana for any
where.
I left the house, and hadn't gone more
then a square when I saw the parent of
the three eirls in pursuit. We both ran.
He was armed. He carried his boom
erang with him. He fired it at me, I dodg
ed, and the boomerang flew back and
brained him on the spot, and there were
precisely three more beautiful orphans
in Dutch Uuiana than when 1 came.
I shipped on board of an American
vessel, and we got along well enough
until a series of storms set in, and we
were blown out of our course. The ship
then sprang a leak, and foundered with
all on board except me, who clung to a
spar and was washed on shore, after a
ride of three days o er the dark waters
of the deep blue sea.
I didn't know where I was, probably
m some strange land or other. I looked
around. There was a hut about a mile
off. I made for it. It contained one
man.
He's another blasted foreigner, said I
to myself; 'there's no use of trying to
talk to him.
I wanted something to eat, so I opened
my mouth wide, and pointed into it, and
said, 'Aw aw aw aw!
The man was evidently surprised. He
appeared to think I had swallowed some
thing or other, so he caught me by the
jaws and held them apart, while he look
ed down my throat.
He seemed disappointed that he didn't
see anything:.
Aw aw aw ough!' I grunted, still
pointin? in ray mouth.
It seemed to occur to him that I had
got the -toothach, for he went out and
got a monkey-wrench, a pair of pincers
and a cross-cut saw.
TJm um urn cm urn urn!' said
I, in dispair, rubbing my stomach.
His face lit op with the idea that I
had the cramp-colic, and he commenced
exerting himself to spread a mustard
plaster. I shook my head and rubbed
my stomach and grunted.
'Aw aw aw aw !' groaned I, in
dispair, pointing to my mouth, and draw
ing a line down to my abdomen.
The thought suggested itself to him
that I wanted him to rip me up, so he
got out a butcher-knife and began to
sharpen it on his boot.
He was the most accommodating man
I ever saw, that fellow.
Then, as a last resort I began to clip
my teeth togather as if I was chewing
something, He instantly jumped to the
conclusion that I had been bitten by a
dog and had hydrophobia. So he first
took a bucket of water out of the room,
and then began to feel ray leg.
O, pshaw, says I, forgetting myself,
'I want something to eat.'
Well, why in the thunder didn't you
say so then?' said he. 'What are you
standing there gibbering like some darned
jackass for?'
'Why, I thought you couldn't memder-
stand English; I thought you were a
foreigner,' said I.
And I took you for a wandering mem
ber of the deaf and dumb asylum.'
'Deaf and dumb asylum, said I; 'of
what place?'
Why, of New Jersey, of course.
Is this New Jersey, then?' I asked
You can just bet it is. Listen! there's
the whistle of the Camden and Amboy
Railroad Company.
I sat down and cried like a baby when
I remembered how many times I had dead
headed it on that very line in days of
yore days, I may say, that are now
mingled with the irrevocable Past.
Take a clam,' said the man, rousing
me from my reverie.
I took a clam, I took a 'snifter,' I took
all the eatables and drinkables in the
place, and then I walked to the depot
and came home, just on the very day,
you recollect, my wife was going to be
married to another man, and how I wish
I'd stayed away and let him.
And that's all. Transcript
A Tough Story,
Jake McGinnis lived out in Donega,
and was noted for drawing the loDg bow.
One day he had just stopped into the
bar-room for his customary glass, when
he was asked for a yarn. At first he
declined, saying he could not think of
one; but the offer of a drink sharpened
his memory, and Jake related the fol
lowing: Are you aware, he began, 'that
my father did a little in the drover
line, and I very often went with him to
help him? Well, he once had a hundred
cattle, and about twice as many turkeys,
to drive three hundred miles. They
were a very awkward drove, as you must
know, and as he needed my assistance I
accordingly accompanied him. Well,
we drove them the three hundred miles
in four days.'
What's that?' said one of the loaf.
ers, 'three hundred miles in four days?
That's too much of a good thing, Jake
Why, that would be seventy-five miles a
day.'
Jake, after a moment's reflection,
thought his statement was rather steep,
so he said, 'But you see we drove night
and day.'
'But,' interrupted another loafer, 'did
you have no trouble with tbe turkeys?'
No,' 6ays Jake, 'only they would go
to roost every evening a little before
dark.'
But,' continued the interrogator, 'how
could you drive night and day when the
turkeys went to roost before dark? That's
rather mixed up, Jake.'
Jake perceived that he had made a
blunder, but nothing daunted, he contiu
ed 'You didn't hear me out. I didn't
tell where they went to roost.'
Where did they roost, then?' inquired
the loafer.
Why, on the cattle's back, of course
answered Jake, without even a smile.
Noah and his happy family, so it is
legended, were sailing along securely
over the deluged world, when the Pat
riarch descried the 'Last Man.' The
latter had climbed to the summit cf the
highest tree, on the top of the highest
mountain in the world; the water was
even then up to his chin, and still rising
steadily as the torrents of raindescentsd.
Take me on board your raft, old man!'
sung out the 'Last victim, in a supplica
ting voice. 'It can't be done, my dear
fellow,' was the patriarchal response.
None but the Lord's chosen can board
this raft.' 'Then go to thunder!' was the
heroic reply. 'It's only going to be a 6mall
shower after all!' And then the last
billow of the Deluge rolled over the head
of the gritty Last Man.
'Ma,' said a little girl to her mother,
'do the men waQt toget married as much
as the women do?' 'Pshaw! what are
you talking about?' 'Why, ma, the ladies
who come here are always talking about
getting married; the men don't.'
Ir you had avoided rum,' said a New
York rumseller to a customer, 'you could
now ride in your carriage.' 'And if
you had never sold rum,' said the bacch
anal, 'you would have been my driver.1
I pressed her gentle form to me. and
whisperd in her ear, if, when I was far
away, for me she'd shed a tear; t paus
ed for some cheering words my throbbing
heart to cool, and with her rosy lips she
eaid, 'Oh, Tea, you're such t fool.'
A Rustio poet, whom melancholy appears to have
marked for ner own, gives vent to the misanthropy
of his desolate soul in the following strain;
1 me a pore country boy
I liv in a holler
As you se by my ritla and spellia
I am no scol'tr
I am not acquanted with
Rithmitie nor grammar
Bat I am eustumed to handle
The ho and the hammer
Wen in dethes coald grave I sink
No moar of my erthly trends to think
Wen I love this world what seems so fare
Remember me then by this lock of my hare.
A eountry girl one morning went
To market with a pig;
The little curl-tail, not content,
Began to squeal a j ig.
A dandy, who was riding by,
And wished to pass a joke
Said "Dear, how eomes your chili to cry
When wrapped up in your cloAk?"
The country girl thus quick replies,
"So bad a breeding had he
That ever and a non he cries
When'er he sees his daddy."
How to Tell a Good Teacncr.
Agentlemanfrom Swarapville was tell
ing how many different occupations he
had attempted. Among others he had
tried school teaching.
How long did you teach?' asked a by.
stander.
Wal, I didn't tench long; that is, I
only wanted to teach.'
Did you hire out?
Wal, I didn't hire out; I only went to
hire out.'
'Why did you give up?
Wal, I give it up for some reason or
nuther. You see I travelled into a deers
trict and inquired for the trustees. Some
body said Mr. Snickles was the man I
wanted to see. Sol found Mr. Snickles
named my object, interducing myself
and asked what he thought about lettin
me trv my luck with the big boys and
unruly gals in the deestrict. He want
ed to know if I realy considered myself
capable; and I told him I wouldn't mind
his asking me a few easy questions in
'rithmetic and jography, or showing ray
hand writing. He said no, never mind,
he could tell a good teacher by his gait.
'Let me see you walk off a little ways,'
say3 he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd
beard you examined,' says he.
'He sot in the door as he spake, and
I thought he looked a little skittish; but I
was consid'rabla frustrated, and didn't
mind much; so I turned about and walk
ed on as- smart as I know'd how. Ha
said he'd tell me when to stop, so I kep
on tell I thought I'd gone far enough
then I s'pected s'thing was to pay, and
looked round. Wal. the door was shat,
and Snickles was gone!'
Did you go back?'
Wal, no I didn't go back.
Did you apply for another school?'
Wal, nc I didn't apply for another
school,' said the gentleman from Swarap
ville. 4I rather judged my appearance
was agin me.'
Signs ana Omens.
Trifles is not superstitious, but ho
heard a story lately which greatly shock
his 'skeptical itarianism.' It was of an
old gentleman in Burks county, whose
style was as Germanized as Tom Carl
yle's, and who had been asked what ho
thought of signs and omens.
. v a a v m
v ell. 1 aon t links mooch ci dem dings,
and I don't pelieve evrydings; but I dells
you somedimesdere is some dings is sooch
drag ash dose dings. Now the oder
night I sits and reads mine newspaper,
und mine frau Ehe shspeak and say
'Fritz, de'dog ish howlin"
Veil, I dcn'l dinks mooch of dem dings,
and I gees on und reads mine paper, and
mine frau she says
'Fritz, dere i3 somding pad is happen
de dog ish howlin.'
And den I gets oop mit mineself und
looks out troo de vines on de porch, nnd
de moon vas shinio, und mine leetle dog
he shoornp right up and down like afery
dings, und he park at the tnoon. dat vas
shine so prite ash never vas. Und as I
hauled mine hei in de winder de old
voman she says
Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish socio
pad ish happen. De dog is hovclin.
Veil, I goes to pet und I thleeps, und
all night long ven I vakes un dere vas
dat dog howl outside, und ven I dream,
I hear dat vorser ash cefer. Und in de
mornin I kits oop und kits mine freestick
(breakfast), und mine frau she looks at
me und say ferry soleme
Fritz, dere ish soradings pab ish htp
pen. De dog vas howl t il night'
Und shoost den de newspaper come
in, and I opens him und by shings vol
you dinks! dere vas a man died in Phil
adelphia.1
As a steamboat was about to start
from Cincinnati cne day, a young maa
came on board, leading a blushing damsel
by the hand, and approaching the polits
clerk, said in a suppressed voice;
I say, me and my wife has just got
married, and I'm looking for acccmidat-
10D5.'
Looking for a berth?' hastily inquired
the clerk, as he passed tickets to another
passenger.
A birth? thunder and lightning, no!'
gasped the astonished man; 'we haiit
but just got married we only want a
place to stay all night, you know.' "'
The New Yorker who told Thackeray
that although he had no objection to
England, he'd be afraid to go out at night
there 'for fear he- should step off, is
paralelled by the Yankee travelling ia
Europe who, when asked ifhehsd cross
ed the Alps, replied 'now you remind
me of it, I beli&TJ I did pass some riairg
grouad.'
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