' '
The Commoner
30
;.&
' 5..
Whether Common or Not
Sent tho Ncckiio to Call
When Harriot Boeohor Stowo was
alive, Mark Twain, who lived near
her, had a way of running in to con
verso with her and her daughters,
fand ho often wore a somewhat neg
ligoo costume, greatly to the distress
of Mrs. Clemens (Mark Twain's
wife).
One morning, as he returned from
tho Stowo's without a necktie, Mrs.
Clemens mot him at tho door with
;tho exclamation: "There! Yo.u have
boon over to tho Etowes' again with
out a necktie. It's really disgrace
ful tho way you neglect your dress."
Her husband said nothing, but
went to his room. A few minutes
later Mrs. Stowo was summoned to
tho door by a messenger who pre
sented to her a small box neatly
done up. She opened It and found
a black silk necktie, accompanied by
this note: "Here is a necktie. Take
it out and look at it. I think 1
stayed half an hour this morning.
At tho end of that time will you
kindly return it, as it is the only
one I have? MARK TWAIN."-r-Ladies'
Homo Journal.
Not Be
"Tho" Barnsdall Could
Fooled
Many amusing stories aro told of
Theodore N. Barnsdall, "The"
Barnsdall, tho Nestor of the Oil
business, who died recently in Pitts
burgh. He was a strange and won
derful character: self-made, unedu-
cated, a man of great natural force.,
Once he had a light on witn tne
Standard Oil Company. A conference
was arranged, and the Standard had
prepared an imposing array of fig
ure with-the purpose1 of showing
him how badly they had him beaten.
They thought they would frighten
him. In the statement was a para
graph showing the Standard had
3,700 gas users in a certain town. As
a matter of fact they had less than
five .hundred. Barnsdall ran down
the list, commenting pithily on the
various items. When he came to
that particular, town he ran his fin
ger along it and said: "Say if the
girl had hit that planner another lick
you'd had 27,000, wouldn't you?"
That was all, but the Standard crowd
knew it wasn't fooling "The" Barns
dall any. Kansas City Star.
For Sale
CHOICE SHETLAND PONIES-For Children,
health, pleasure and business. Best invest
ment possible for youngsters. For particulars
address: FRANK L. DODGE, Lansing, Mich.
99
1
Mir. Bryan's New Book
'Heart to Heart Appeals
Mr. Bryan has made a careful collection of the
Heart to Heart Appeals, scattered through .the speeches
delivered by him during a quarter of a century (1890
1916) la tho belief that they will be of permanent in
terest to the reading public, especially to students.
They cover all the issues before the country during
the evoatful period covered by his connection with
American and world politics.
The twenty-two chapters deal with topics ennumer
atcd in the table of contents- below:
CONTENTS
XI. Equal Suffrage
XII. The Liquor Question
XIII. Issue Past and
Present
XIV. Chicago Convention
XV. St. Louis Convention
XVI. Baltimore Conv'tlom
XVII. Pan America
XVin. In Foreign Land
XIX Peace
XX. -Relisien
XXI.- Ideals
XXII. Mlscellanftftna
Mr. Bryan is sepecially anxious to get the book Into
the hands of University, College and High School stu
dents. Any student 'desiring to act as agent can obtain
terms by addressing the publishers, Fleming H. Bevell
Co., 158 5tix Are., N. Y. Readers of The Commoner can
secure the book at one dollar per "Volume by addressing
The Commoner or the publishers.
It will be sent FREE to any subscriber sending U
three subscriptions at one dollar each. .Address
I. Government
II. Tariff.
III. Incomo Tax
IV. Momey
V. Imperialism
VI.- Trusts
VII. -Labor
VIII. Popular Election
Senators
IX Publicity Campaign
Contributions
X Initiative and Referendum
of
THE COMMONER, LINCOLN, NEB.
"When the Mule's Ears Were Frozen
A city lad from the densest tene
ment district was taken to the coun
try by a farmer. A few days later
he was called early one freezing cold
morning before dawn to harness a
mule. The lad was too lazy to light
a lantern, and in the dark he didn't
notice that one of the ,cows was in
the ptnbi with the mule. The farm
er, impatient at the long delay,
shouted from the house: "Billy!
Billv! What are you doing?" "I
can't get the collar over the mule's
head," yelled back the boy. "His
ears are frozen." Argonaut.
A Misunderstanding
A certain English foreman iu one
of the Kensington textile factories,
is in the habit of having an appren
p heat his luncheon for him. The
other, day he called a new appren
Uce. "Go down stairs and 'eat up my
lunch for me," ordered the foreman.
The boy a typical youner Amer
ican, with no knowledge of cockney
English obeyed with alacrity. He
was hungry.
Ten minutes later the foreman
came down. He also was hungry.
"Where's my lunch?" he demanded.
The boy gazed at him in amaze
ment. "You told me to eat it up 'and" I
ate it," he stated.
"I didn't tell you to heat it up!"
roared the irate foreman. "I told
you to 'eat it up."
"Well, I didn't heat it up," main
tained the youngster, stoutly. . "I
ate it cold." Youth's Companion.
ing, and little Dorothy "11777 '
was watching the operat? hr
great deal of cUW?BPhX5th
interest. Taking up carn ? m
dently was 'something5 new to L 71,
fantilo mind. Finally ather fn'
hard thinking on the t 80
looked up at her mother an,?!', h
- "Mamma, is y0U ."to ft"!
floor go barefooted?'-Excha1neh
How It Struck tho Roy
A Philadelphia divine was ent.,
taining a couple of clerirymln ?
New York at dinner ZJ
spoke in praise of a sermon ???
host had delivered thfTunday
The host's son was at the tabli
sacx?0 New York 5
mighty fine places where he could
have -stopped." Chicago Herald.
Home, Sweet Homo
After the battle of Mons an officer
congratulated an Irishman on hit
conspicuous bravery under fire
"Well, Pat," he said, "how did you
feel during tho engagement?"
"Feel, captain," answered Pat, "I
felt as if every hair on me head wai
a band of music, and they were all
playing 'Home, Sweet Home.'"
New York Globe.
Those Foolish Questions '
Old .Lady Conductor, why did the
train stop before we came to tho sta
tion?. Conductor Ran over a pig,
ma'am.
Old LadyWhat! Was it on tho
track? .
Conductor no oh, no; we chased
it up the embankment. Puck.
Why Ho Woro Thorn
A famous physician, asked at the
New York Academy of Medicine
why he wore rubbers on a day when
the streets were perfectly dry, re
plied: "My wife runs down the street
after mo with them when I don't. I
wear them to keep her from getting
pneumonia." Chicago Herald.
NMMtaJIsHI
His Own Shame
Robert's mother's admonishing to
her small son generally ended with
the wordB: "I'd be ashamed of you
if you did so and so," and the word
"ashamed," therefore, was con
stantly in his ears.
One day, after he had eaten up
his little sister's candy, his mother
said to him:
"Robert, did you eat Dorothy's
candy when I told you not to?"
"Yes, ma'am," said Robert in a
tone of triumph, "and I'm jest as
ashamed of myself as I can be, so
you needn't bo ashamed of me at
all!" New York Evening Post.
1 i
Eyeball or Highball
An old Scotsman was threatened
with blindness if he did not give up
drinking.
"Now, McTavish," said the doctor,
"it's like this: you're either to stop
the whisky or lose your eyesight,
and you must choose."
"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish,
"I'm an auld man noo, an' I was
thinkin' I ha'e seen about everything
worth seeinV' Tit-Bits.
Accommodating
Smart Youth Have you a feff
moments to spare, sir?
Millionaire Young man, my time
is worth $500 an hour, but I'll gto
you 10 minutes.
Smart Youth Thanks, but if 111
all the same to you, sir, I believe la
rather take it in cash. London
Answers.
Bringing Out tho Point
Lawyer On the night in question,
Mr. Witness, did you not bare sev
eral drinks of whisky?
Witness That's my business.
Lawyer I know it's your bnj
ness,. but were you attending to in.
.Boston Transcript.
New OIuo
m
Her Idem of It
The sitting-room carpet was being
taken up preparatory to houseclean-
a oniirmihnv nnmnosition on Pw-
rick Henry contained the followW
gem: "Patrick was not a very tog
boy. He. had blue eyes and Ug
hafr. He got married and then fl
Give me liberty or give me deau. .
Philadelphia Ledger.
. His Constituents
"You seem indifferent to criUcBH
in the newspapers."
: i don't have time to keep P
it," replied Senator Sorghum,
- ro i .'
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