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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 1, 1913)
hearing the colored man's broken
story. "Have you got any money?"
"No, sah, jedge! No, sah!" was
the reply of 'Rastus. "But I'se got
er mule, an' er few chickens, an er
hog or two."
"Those will do very nicely, 'Ras
tus," responded the lawyer. "Now,
then, tell me just exactly what you
are accused of stealing."
"Oh, nothin' much, jedge' was
the startling -answer of 'Rastus. "Job'
er mule, an' er few chickens, an er
hog or two." Philadelphia Telegraph.
For Moral Effect
Apropos of a point which he was
trying to impress upon an audience,
Judge Dike excused himself for
"talking shop" and told this tale:
A negro, well known for his many
appearances before the criminal jus
tice in a southern city, was arraigned
on a certain day on a charge of
carrying a razor on his person. Asked
whether the charge was true, he re
plied: "Yessir, judge, ah admits that I
had a razor in mah pocket, but 'twas
only a safety razor."
"A safety razor," queried the
judge, displaying some surprise,
"how could a safety razor, serve you
in a quarrel?"
"'Twash't of no material suvvis
'tall, judge," he replied; "ah carried
it jes' for the moral effect." Balti
Hair; She Misses Her Train for
"Knew How to Start the Motor
Car, But Had Forgotten How to Stop
It; Hospital Physicians Say All Will
"Tries to Shoot Tallow Candle
Through Barn Door; Ruins Cloth
ing of Bystander." Chicago Tribune.
Tragedies Told in Headlines
"Fire in the Rev. Mr. Yoakum's
Dwelling Loses All His Clothing, But
Saves Barrel of Sermons."
"Unexpectedly Meets Sweetheart
While Taking Bite Out of Plug of
Tobacco; Match Believed to Be
"Roguish Little Boy Hides Wad
of Chewing Gum in His Big Sister's
Of CourKO Not
Against an old Georgia negro,
charged with stealing a pig, the evi
dence was absolutely conclusive, and
the judge, who knew the old darky
well, said reproachfully:
"Now, uncle, why did you steal
"Bekaso mah pooh family wuz
starvin,' yo' honoh," whimpered the
"Family starving," cried the
judge. "But they told me you keep
five dogs. How is that, uncle?"
"Why, yo honoh," said uncle, re
provingly, "you wouldn't 'spect mah
family to eat dem dogs!" Harper's
Critic. "Why I saw it and It had
no plot, no action and was a painful
"I know that," rcpllod tho
Manager, "But we had a ? 10,000
preBs agent." Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Sheep and tho Goats
"De good book tells us," said tho
negro preacher, "dat in do las' days
de sheep is to be put tor one side
an' de goats ter do udder. Dey ain't
goin to bo no 'stinction 'tween white
an black on dat day," ho continued
with growing enthusiasm. "But wo
all knows who has de wool." Ex.
Somo Cow Is Right
For Sale: Young Jersey cow;
gives 14 quarts of milk and 1,500
lbs. alfalfa; reasonable price. 8024
Alex St. Los Angeles Express.
A Little Learning
"Why is it that so few people
seem anxious to talk to Mr. Cnrping
ton? Ho seoms very well informed."!
"That's just tho difficulty,"!
answered mibb Dimploton. "Hob
ono of thoso dreadful men who
knows onough to corroct your mis
takes when you quote tho classics,
and who don't know enough not to
do it." Washington Star.
Cutting tho Melon
"When a corporation divides up
a surplus among tho holders of Itti
stock they call it 'cutting a melon.'
What kind of a molon?"
"Watermelon, of course." Co
prlncd bccauBo oho wantn to chum
around with tho old clovon-footed
Wo aro all Btrong in tho belief
that we shall moot each othor in
heaven, but wo turn up our nose
and can't see our neighbors wheu
we pans them on tho street.
When a gbod malo bluffor marries
a good femalo bluffer tho nclghborH
have an awful time trying to find
out if tho match is as happy an it
I hnvo ofton noticed that the man
who Ib always preaching it hasn't
any time to practlco it.
You'll notlco that old men who aro
poor and young women who aro
woalthy never marry.
After a man has patiHed the ago
of forty you can't convince him that
tho good die young. Cincinnati Enquirer.
Visiting Philanthropist "Good
morning, madamo; I am collecting
for tho Drunkard's Home."
Mrs. Patrick "Sure, I'm glad of
it, sor if you como around tonight
you can havo my husband." Suc
"You say your show was the suc
cess of the season," exclaimed the
Luke McLiiko Says
Every man Ib fooled a good deal
oftener than there is any excuse for.
All you havo to do is put different
colored feathers on the bait and he'll
come back for another bite.
If a man had a pool table at home
ho would have to go down town for
a few hours every night to find somo
one to play with him.
A man will give his wife the devil
a dozen times a day and then be sur-
Knocking, as a profcBKion, Is badly
Tho fit pleasured of youth become
mlBlltB in after years.
Few men aro prominent enough
to claim that they were misquoted.
Duty Ib tho thing everybody olso
ought to do.
Tho Icbh a man amounts to tho
larger ho shows up In a group photo
graph. "Eternal punishment" may bo the
price of being too poor to buy a.
Minds of great men run in the
same channel wheu the noonday
When you find a woman who ad
mits she is ugly, believe anything
The third wife of a shoemaker in
Kansas, who has been divorced twice,
has Just inherited $50,000. Ho will
now be good and stick to his last.
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