JUNE 21, 1912
The Commoner.
13
,v:
and should not only be denied his
naturalization papers, but he should
bo deported."
Turning again to Judge Hanford's
critics, we find the New York Even
ing Post (Ind.) remarking that under
his ruling "an applicant for citizen
ship who believes in the popular
election of United States senators
might be rejected because the con
stitution provides at present that
senators shall be elected by the legis
latures." That he went beyond his
jurisdiction, says the Buffalo News
(rep.), appears plain "when one
compares the socialist doctrine with
the general doctrine of the new
nationalism;" and the Chicago Record-Herald
(ind.) remarks that Ole
son "has as much right to advocate
socialism as other citizens have to
advocate the recall of judges and de
cisions, government railroads, the
single tax."
Other editors remind us that near
ly half a million socialist citizens
cast their votes in the last presiden
tial election; that a socialist sits in
the national congress; that there are
more than thirty socialists sitting in
the various state legislatures; and
that socialists have been or are
mayors of many of pur cities. Judge
Hanford, says the Milwaukee Leader
(socialist), "has overshot the mark."
And the New York Call, another so
cialist organ, observes:
"Every recent decision of the
courts shows that the tendency is
more and more to restrict the right
of honest thought and honest utter
ance, and to protect property.
"It Is emphasized strongly by the
action of Judge Cornelius Hanford,
Qf Seattle, in annulling the citizen
ship papers of Leonard Oleson on the
grounds that the latter is a member
of the I. W. W.; that he does not be
lieve property which is social in its
nature should remain private prop
erty and utilized for the exploitar
tion of wage-workers; that he is in
favor of revising the constitution of
the United States, and that he is a
socialist.
"He might have been in favor of
militia murder, as it has been com
mitted in Lawrence and in the
Pennsylvania coal-fields during the
past few months. He might have
been enthusiastic for the depriving
of citizens of their right of habita
tion and of public utterance, as has
been the case in San Diego. But his
outspoken announcement that he de
sired a change in the constitution,
and that he wished social robbery to
cease through the acquisition by so
ciety of the means of production,
constitutes a heinous crime in the
eyes of Hanford.
"And Hanford is a judge with
enormous power, and doubtlessly
with the backing of all those ele
ments which seek to brand as crime
any criticism of, or opposition to,
social crime."
The Philadelphia North American
recalls the fact that Judge Hanford
was once hanged in effigy by his fel
low citizens because of the unpopu
larity of one of his rulings in a case
of a street-railway company versus
the people of Seattle. And in a
Seattle dispatch to the New York Sun
we read:
"Judge Hanford has been on the
federal bench ever since Washington
was admitted into the union. His
enemies say in contests of a public
nature coming before him he has in
variably decided against the people.
It was Judge Hanford who attempted
to block the recall of former Mayor
Gill, of Seattle, on the ground that
the council did not include the cost
of election about to bo held in the
regular budget passed months be
fore." Literary Digest.
It is better to be worn out with
work in a thronged community than
to perish of inaction in stagnant
solitude. Charlotte Bronte.
ffPIKHldot
Superman
In all that makes for purity, for
surety, futurity,
For everything and anything
worth while.
For piety, sobriety, the good of all
society
Is he, the one you seek? Well I
should smile!
From Washington to Harrison, not
any were so fair as one
Who modestly admits his worth
today.
For what you call veracity, and eke
Jove-like capacity,
Just cast your eyes on HIM of
Oyster Bay.
Old Pericles, Demosthenes, Euri
pides, Theostrlces
A lot of selling platers every one.
For logic of philosophy, from Plato
to Theosophy,
He's got 'em skinned since time
or space begun.
Old Mother Nature's mysteries, all
long-forgotten histories,
He's capable, of malting plain to
day. Wouldst know about typography,
cosmogrophy, geography?
You'll have to seek HIM of Oyster
Bay.
Astronomy, agronomy, political
economy,
Or calculus or algebra he knows.
Philology, biology, geology, po
mology He's got the only head wherein it
grows.
Photometry, geometry the whole of
trigonometry
What's work for us to him is
merest play.
For all around profundity the
greatest 'ncath the sun t'day.
Just doff your hat to HIM of
Oyster Bay.
For wisdom most methodical, for
manner pedagogical,
For vision that would Bhame a
common seer;
Pragmatical, didactical, estatical,
dogmatical
If such an one you seek he's sure
ly here.
The lantern of Demosthenes may be
extinguished when you please;
We'll never need its rays another
bit.
For honesty, vivacity, and also per
spicacity, The gentleman of Oyster Bay is IT!
Having Fun With the Editors
There are two annual affairs that
the Architect always figures on at
tending. One is the international
convention of the Typographical
union, the other is the annual meet
ing of the Nebraska Press associa
tion. The press association met in
Lincoln a couple of weeks ago, and
it was a profitable as well as a gay
session. But what the local news
paper men of Lincoln did to a num
ber of their out-of-town brethren
was something awful. If I can slip
this little explanation past the as
sociate editor and the business
manager, I'll state that Charles W.
Bryan, H. T. Dobbins, editor of the
Lincoln News and J. W. Johnson
were the arch conspirators who
framed up the "doings." They were,
of course, ably abetted by divers and
sundry other newspaper men, and
result was a hilarious ending to
what was planned to be a very sedate
and formal banquet. It happened in
this wise:
The local committee, of which Mr.
Bryan and tho abovo mentioned
gentlemen wore tho working fac
tors, arranged for a series of
toasts and responses at tho annual
banquet tendered tho Press as
sociation by tho Lincoln commer
cial club. Thirteen erudite edi
tors agreed to respond to tho tonsts
assigned them, and all came to Lin
coln with their inside coat pockets
bulging with manuscripts. So far
as known those manuscripts still re
pose in those same pockets. At any
rate the addresses were never de
livered and that's where the arch
conspirators turned tho trick. Presi
dent Woods of tho Commercial club
welcomed the club's guests in a for
mal way, then introduced Will 0.
Jones, managing editor of tho Lin
coln Journal, as toastmaster. Mr.
Jones started off well, but his end
was ignominious. Before he got well
started John W. Cutright, editor of
the Daily Star, arose and protested
against inflicting any thirteon-man
power toast list on a bunch of men
who were all worked up over poli
tics. He made the protest so strong
that C. W. Bryan backed him up and
suggested that here in the city bear
ing the name of tho great Lincoln wo
proceed at once to organize a new
and independent political party. Tho
idea took like wildfire that part of
it having been arranged for. Im
mediately Mr. Jones was thrown out
of the chair becauso he was charged
with being out of touch with pro
gressive political thought, -and Joe
W. Johnson was installed.
Then the convention proceeded to
nominate presidential candidates.
The nominating speeches were
screamingly funny. The weaknesses
of the candidates were held out as
their strong points, and care was
taken to see that each speaker nomi
nated a candidate he is personally
opposed to. For Instance, Mr. Met
calfe nominated Roosevelt, tho re
publican deputy attorney general of
Nebraska nominated Champ Clark,
tho republican candidate for lieuten
ant governor of Nebraska nominated
Harmon, and a hard-working demo
crat impersonated La Follette and
nominated himself. Governor Wil
son was nominated by a republican
reporter on ono of tho daily news
papers, and another reporter imper
sonated a suffragette and demanded
that equal suffrage bo indorsed by
the platform of the new party. Each
candidate was trotted in and allowed
to make a plea in his. own behalf.
Frank Harrison, who managed La
Follette's campaign in Nebraska im
personated Champ Clark, and
brought with him a "country band"
that played the "Houn' Dawg" song
as long as the crowd would stand
for it. J. R. Farris of The Com
moner impersonated Taft, and the
Architect impersonated Roosevelt.
Mr. Cutright, garbed in cap and
gown, looked like Wilson. H. M.
Bushnell of the Lincoln Trade Re
view made a very sedate looking
Harmon and G. S. Foxworthy of tho
Western Newspaper Union had La
Follette down fine.
During tho festivities President
Woods attempted to restore quiet and
get back to the original program,
but tho sergeants-at-arms of the con
vention threw him over a convenient
transom. So earnest were Mr, Cut
right and Mr. Bryan in their pro
tests, and so well did Toastmaster
Jones act liko a man who just
wouldn't be sidetracked, that it took
tho 250 editors and their wives quite
a while to grasp the fact that a deep
laid plot had boon hatched against
thorn. But when tho situation
dawned upon them they entered with
zest into tho spirit of the occasion,
Tho Architect has attended many a
banquet, but tho annual banquet
tendered to tho Nebraska Proas As
sociation in Lincoln a couple of
weeks ago, had 'em all beat. But wo
still think that the arch conspirators
ought to apologize to thoso thirteen
squelched post prandial orators who
still have those sizzling bankuot
speeches seething und boiling in
their systems.
In Hard Linen
"Yes, sir;" cjaculatod ol' Bill
Jenks. "There ain't no justice n'r
no fairness in th' way things is
goln'."
Having long known Mr. .Tonks as
a prosperous farmer I couldn't
understand this exhibition of pessi
mism, so I mado inquiries.
"It's just thlsaway," said Jenks.
"I got t' git that second cuttin' uv
alfalfy in right away, just when I
got t harvest my wheat which Is
thicker'n heavier'n I over saw wheat
afore, and thcro's my corn growin'
so fast I jus' can't afford t' lot it go
another day f'r fear it'll git too tall
t' cultivate ag'in an' there you are.
There ain't no fairness a-tall theso
days."
Fronted by such a condition I
could say nothing, but I grasped my
friend Jenks by tho hand just to lot
him know how deeply I felt for him
in his sad condition.
Short Ann Jabs
There are those who would shrink
with horror from voting for a man
habitually drunk on alcohol, who are
not a bit afraid to snuggle up to an
ofllceseeker drunk with ambition.
Tho steamroller that worked so
well in 1908 seems now to be doing
equally well in tho reverse motion.
We admire a genius, but wo profor
a man who knows everything about
something to the man who claimB
to know about everything.
Ceasar thrice refused the crown,
but Ceasar didn't have anything on
some men of today.
Falling to got tariff revision down
ward the people give evidences of be
ing determined to secure presiden
tial revision downward.
After all, throwing one's hat 'into
tho ring is often a good way to pre
serve one's anatomy.
"The bigger they think they are
the harder they fall."
Thoso Alaskan volcanos are
foolish if they think they can spout
more hot air than is being spouted in
Chicago, U. S A., about now.
Contemporaneous political events
somehow or other remind us of the
bramble that proclaimed itself king
of tho trees.
Brain Leaks
Tho worst feature about having a
reputation as a humorist is that
people will not take you seriously
when you are.
When a banquet orator consumes
more than twenty minutes It is a
sign that he will not be Invited
again.
What Washington refused, Lin
coln opposed and the people denied
to Grant, Is not likely to be given to
any man of the present generation.
Some people's Idea of a "safe and
sane" Fourth is to sit around and
growl because small boys and girl?
are having a good time.
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