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JULY 28, 1911
The Commoner.
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Queer
The horsefly has no hoofs upon
Its complement of feet;
The angleworm Is full of curves,
Without a corner neat.
The bumblebee is not a bum,
The hornet has no horn;
And Bound is silence when it breaks
Upon an ear of corn.
The yellowjacket wears no clothes,
'The pieplant grows no crust;
The rubberplant can not be stretched,
The goldbug has no "dust."
A lightning plant don't grow from
roots,
A jailbird has no wings;
A baseball diamond's on the square,
tf And so are all prize rings.
.Lead pencils are not made of lead,
And pigment is not meat;
A yardman does not rake the lawn,
But keeps the pantry neat.
A bushelman does not weigh grain,
, " A leper can not leap;
A sailor does not use a plow
To plow the vasty deep.
The English language as it's spoke
If full of quirks and quips;
The more a fellow tries Its use
The more he slips and trips.
If white is black and black is white
And both are brown and blue;
Who was it struck Bill Patterson?
Well, I don't know; do you?
cine in doses big enough to choke a
cow.
The old days had some mighty
good things to hand out to us, but
they mixed a whole lot of bitter with
the sweet.
tween the day we first heard it and
the day wo put it hero. And that's
some distance, too.
14
A rti
His Parting Request
So it is all over between us.
Esmerelda?" said the despondent
young lover as he leaned up against
the gate.
"Yes this Is the end, Reginald,"
whispered the maiden.
"The end of all our little boat
rides, our little tete-a-tetes, our little
walks in the moonlight and our happy
hours ia the dimly lighted front
room?"
"The end of all," she whispered.
"Is it that you no longer love me;
that you have found another?"
" "It is fate that answer must
suffice."
"All right, Esmerelda DeSnooks,"
muttered the young man fiercely.
"All right. I know when I have
been thrown down. I'll go. But be
fore I part from you forever I would
make one last request."
'"What is it, Mr. Reginald Mac
Blink? I bid you speak, and by the
memory of the many happy hours we
have spent together I will grant it."
"Then I will, Miss DeSnooks. Be
fore I go will ypu kindly let go of
my hand and get off my foot?"
The Differcnco
Take the man, for Instance. Ho
has plenty of pockets. There are
five in his trousers, four in his vest
and usually four in his coat. Gener
ally he has a' pocket in his shirt. And
most of the time he has every pocket
filled an'd worried because he hasn't
more to fill.
With a woman it's different. Some
times she has a pocket in her skirt,
but more often not. But don't wasto
time wondering how she manages.
You never saw a man carrying a
great big leather bag suspended to
his wrist and choke full of hairpins,
chamoiB skins, powder boxes, bits of
ribbon, loose change, samples of silk
and other dress goods, street car
tickets, recipes, calling cards, thread,
needles, pins, rings, newspaper clip
pings, fudge, caramels, marshmal
lows, peppermint drops, seat checks
from long past matinees, letters, coin
purses and other things too numer
ous to mention.
Don't waste any sympathy over the
lack of pockets in woman's apparel.
Exposed
Great Titlo
"My daughter marriod the Duko
of Frazzlodorf," proudly boasted
Mrs. Nuryche.
"My daughter's husband also
wears a titlo," responded Mrs. Old
tyme. "I didn't know that. What is his
title?"
"John Henry Simpson, E. M."
"What title Is that?"
"Export Mechanic, and wo urn nil
proud of it, too."
Tilings Tliat Are Gone
The "good old days" presented us
with a few afflictions that, thank
goodness, are no longer with us. For
instance, we .re no longer afflicted
by the young lady who arose on every
conceivable occasion and recited In a
thin, nasal tone:
"Curfew shall not ring tonight."
Nor &Te we now compelled to liBten
politely and applaud vigorously when
& young man arises and in a voice
that Bounds like drawing a scantling
over the edges of an empty packing
case, sings:
"Rocked in the Cradle of the
Deep."
Nor are we now compelled to ait
In an uncomfortable church pew and
keep awake while the minister
preaches one hour and fifty-seven
Itnlnutea.
Nor do we have to swallow medi-
"Remember that shy and modest
Miss Thingujbob we met at the re
ception the other evening?"
"Yes."
"Remember how sho blushed every
time she was spoken to, and how she
persisted in remaining in the back
ground all evening?"
"Yes. She seems to be about the
quietest and most retiring little wo
man in the city."
"Well, I saw her at the ball game
yesterday and was surprised almost
to death when she flung a cushion at
the umpire and yelled, 'Hang the rob
ber! Call a cop, there's burglary
afoot! Shoot the dub! Hi, but you're
rotten!' Don't it beat all how two
faced some people can be?"
Those Boys"
"Got pig's feet?" queried the
freckle-faced boy, as he thrust him
self forward to the counter in the
butcher shop.
"Yes; how many?" -
"Calves' brains?"
"Yes "
"Beef heart?"
"Yes."
"Lambs' kidneys?"
"Gee, I guess you don't have to
pay no poll tax!" shrieked the boy
as he fled for safety.
Imitation
"What is it that haB wrought such
a change in Snobberly? He doesn't
look like the same man."
"O, Snobberly is just cultivating
that frown and that thing of screw
ing his eyes up till they look like
a couple of pinholes in a blanket so
as to make people believe he Is run
ning an automobile."
Orthographical
The word "smiles" is the longest
word in the English language. There
Is a whole mije between the first and
the last letter.
This isn't original by a long ways.
In fact there is a whole lifetime be-
Favorito Songs
"Over the Line" William Howard
Taft.
"Wash Mo and I Shall bo Whiter
Than Snow"- William Lorlmor.
"Almost Persuaded" Judson Har
mon. "I'm Glad Salvation's Frco"
Hetty Green.
"Only an Armor Bearer" Andrew
Carnegie.
Because
I can not sing the new songs,
Nor would I if I could;
The old songs suit mo pretty well;
Most new ones are no good.
I'm tired of what they call "rag
time,"
It calls to mind my clothes;
I've rags enough as things now are
I want no more of those.
ho carno J.o town, now arrives In an
automobile and dines at a cafe.
Tho dlfToronco botween luck and
pluck is tho Initial letter that startii
tho push.
Every time wo hoar nc man boast
ing that ho "playo tho game square"
we insist on cutting tho cards.
The happiest mon and women wo
know aro those who seemingly havo
tho least to make them haupy.
Every time a tariff baron talks
about "protecting the American
worklngman" ho has his fingers
crossed.
The Guaranty
State Bank,
Muskogee, Oklahoma,
offer to their cutorwrs and readers ofthla paper
throughout tho country exceptional fuclllUea for
handling nccountii by mall. Tho DooosltorsOtiar
nnty Fund ofthosUito of Oklahoma Insure nbiolut
mfetyorall fundo duposllcd wltli ux. Wo hollove
In tho Integrity and conservatism of our offlenrg.
but you aro not compelled to rely on thin. What
protection do you feet from your homo hank? Write
for booklet to-dny. Interest paid on Tlmo Deposit
and Bavlntm Account.
X. O. IIA8K1CLL. Vlco Preeldont
M. 0. BKLL8. Cashier.
Tho Mean Thing
Mrs. Proudflt "What do you
think of my daughter's execution?"
Old Man Sourdock "I would
hardly advise that. Banishment, or
solitary confinement would be
enough."
Prominent
"Ho is tho most lookod-up to citi
zen wo have."
"Must bo a big business man of
liberality and enterprise."
"No; he makes daily balloon ascen
sions at our chief pleasure resort."
Inquiry
"I am Professor Smooks," re
marked tho pompous gentleman as
ho entered the ofilce.
"Barber, ventriloquist or hypno
tist?" queried the busy man who was
rather hard to impress.
Tobacco Habit Banished
DR. ELDERS' TOBACCO BOON BANISIIE8 all
forma of Tobacco Habit ia 73 to 1M hour. A peat
tire, quick and permanent relief. Easy to taka.
No craving for Tobacco after the first dose, 0e
to three boxos for all ordinary cason. Wo euaraa
tee resalta in every ease or refund money. Bene
for oar free bookie k1v1b fall Jnformatloau
Kldera' ganatarissi, Dep.4l St. Joseph, Me
.. . .
lrturtJ 1 usually removesHwclling
' . un".i.y"-","""r-"n-".--
tlro relic rinltM&d&vB ana snouuicnec
kcure in 30-00 days. Trial treatment FfM.
Dr. Grcona boas. BeXB. AUsau.M.
Danger
"When aviation becomes common
there is grave danger that we will
cultivate a race of men and women
who can not look down to see what
made them stub their toes.
JPA TENTS "JgSSSK"-
Free report a to Patentability J II intra tod lulls
liookyand l.tui of TnvnnlloiiN Wanted, sent frco.
VICTOR J. J5VAN.S & CO., Washington, .0.
Asthma
HAY rSVXK REKIDY aent r
express to you on Fro Trial. It
It euros send SI; If not, don't.
Ulvo express office. Write today.
KAHOKAL CXIKICAL CO., 408 So&Lt Bt, BWuty, Oatt
Tnr4-l0 I'" until allowed. Frco Hoolcs
rjlUnpp Attachment with Corn Harvester cnU
DinULIl and throws lu pile on harvester or
winrows., Man and horso cuts and shock equal
with a Corn Hinder. Sold In every Hate. Frlco fiO
with Attachment, 8. O. MONTOOMJ5 IIV, of Toxa
Uno, 'fox., writes: "Tho harvester ha proved all
you claim for It. With, tho a&lstanco of ona man
cut and bound over 100 acres of Corn, Knfllr Corn
and Mulzo last year." Testimonials and catalog
In?, showing picture of harvester.
NEW I'llOGKSS MFG.CO., HALINA,Kasu
Tho Trouble
"Perhaps your new political parties
lacked leadership."
"Not much! What it lacked was
followers."
Iiimeric
There was a young girl in Dubuque
Who wanted to marry a duque,
But when she did wed
She hitched up instead
With a printer named Archibald
Snuque.
Mary
"What makes the lamb love Mary
so?"
The children asked the teacher.
"The tariff on its wool, you know,
Makes it a precious, creature."
Brain Tweaks
A hit In time saves the nine.
Every little bit helps or hurts.
Troubles come in flocks to those
who worry about them.
The old-time farmer who used to
lunch on crackers and cheese .when
PATENTS
Watisa K. Colemati,
Patent Lawyer, Washington,
TVf?- Aivit nt Ivisilrn f rum
Rates reasonable. Highest reference. lieataervlcec
Write Today for I'REE PAMPHLET and
prices on flnely-round Jfoje Meek, the
cheapest and bi'st of all phoKpliatn fertilizers.
W. J. ISMLUKY Of CO., Columbia, Tens.
Deafness Cured
"I HAVE DEMONSTRATED THAT
DEAFNESS CAN BE CURED."
DR. GUY CLIFFORD POWELL.
The secret of how to use the myster
lous and Invisible nature forces for the
cure of Deafness and Head Noises has
at last been discovered by tho famous
Physician-Scientist, Dr. Guy Clifford
Powell. Deafness and Head Noises
disappear as If by magic under the use
of this new and wonderful discovery.
He will send all who suffer from
Deafness and Head Noises full in
formation how they may bo cured,
absolutely free, no matter how Ionr they
have been deaf, or what caused their
deafness. This marvelous Treatment Is
so simple, natural and certain that you
will wonder why It was not discovered
before. Investigators marvel at tho
quick results. Any deaf person can
havo full Information how to bo cured"
quickly and cured to say cured at
home without Investing a cent. Write
today to Dr. Guy Clifford Powell, 8704
Bank Building Peoria, 111., and get full
information of this new and wonderful
discovery, absolutely free.
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