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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 1, 1909)
C,l'WIW1.T-TrW'-,"5l'W'- T 'Sum CTOBHR 1, lift The Commoner. n - 7" " Att stsm mramon if. JnLI W jCjB H H B v I m W 1 1 1 v Nr iv-c,w That Polar Controversy I yearn to rest my weary soul, For it la weary of tlie polo. My every nerve la set on edge By talk of polar dog and sledge. I'm filled with bitter grief and woe With all thiB talk of ice and snow; I'm tired of Peary and of Cook Please get the hook!1 Please get the hook! I scan the morning paper's page And I am filled with bitter rage, For every place I chance to look It's either Peary or Doc Cook. It'a Cook says this or Peary that, And each keeps talking through his hat. Each says the other haB no facts Please get the ax! Please get the ax! From home to work is very far . Bo I chase for a trolley car, And just as one heaves into sight Some addlepated, grinning wight "Will stop me long enough to say, "Have you read Peary's dope today?" Then far from sight my car has run Please get a gun! Please get a gun! I start upon my daily task And then some dub butts in to ask Which one I think was first to stroll Across that, dadbinged northern pole. And then my figures are askew So I must stop and start anew. They bore me till I'm fairly sick-r-Please get a briok! Please get a brick! Then home at eve I quickly. go. With hopes that there I'll hayea show To get away from polar dope, And find, alas, a shattered hope. For as I ope the door I see The kids and a geography And then I see my finish quick Please grab a pick! Please grab a pick! At last, when I am nearly dead, I strip and tumble into bed, And think I'll lose my woes in sleep; But soon the d.eams begin to creep, And I am first with Peary's ship Then o'er the ice with Cook I'll slip, Until I wake in chilling fright And lay awake the livelong night. The Viewpoint "We own this corporation and we'll run it as we please," declared the traction magnate. "And the public has nothing to say about how you should run it?" we asked'' "Nothing at all, sir. We own it, and we run it as we please." "But," we queried, "supposing that your way of running it incenses the people?" "Then we will demand the militia to protect our property." Remembering that this has usu ally been the rule we could say noth ing at all. But, after all, we couldn't help thinking that if it was none of the public's business how the business was conducted it was not for the public to pay the expense of protect ing something in which it had no concern. The Proper Party A well known minister in Lincoln, who is a fraternal delegate from the Ministerial Union to the Central Labor Union, dropped into a barber tthop the other day. The chairs were lull so he sat on the bench and waited his .turn. In a chair was a union man who had not seen the minister como in. Some reforonco was made to a labor difficulty In a neighboring city and the union man proceeded to express nig opinion of a "scab" in language more forcible than polite. When ho got out of tho chair ho saw tho minister and ex claimed: "Good morning, Dr. B . I didn't know you were In here or I wouldn't havo used quite such emphatic lan guage. I beg your pardon." "O, that's all right so far as T'm concerned," said the minister. "But you really ought to be asking pardon from one higher than I." Satisfied Mr. Harrlman accumulated mil lions of dollars, but ho had a weak digestion. We have acquired a good diges tion, but we never had a million dollars. Mr. Harrlman no longer has his millions. We still retain our good digestion. On the whole, we are pretty well satisfied. Safety Note "Have you," queried tho nervous guest who had jusit registered, "an adequate system of fire escapes in this hotel?" "Have we!" shouted tho Jolly land lord. V"I should say we havo. Got a Bible in teach room, two preachers who are regular boarders, and a sex ton' -who lives just across the street. Fire escapes! I guess yes." Tariff Item The best way to answer the sup--porters of the Payne-Aldrich tariff is to carry around a few receipted bills for clothing, shoes, hats, gro ceries, etc. The politicians may disagree aB to the facts of the law, but you'll find quite a unanimity of sentiment among the housewives of the country. Worried "I guess John ain't goln' to re main at the university, ma," re marked Farmer Rystraw, looking up from his letter. "Why, what'n the world can bo the matter, pa?" "He don't give no reason, ma; but he writes that by tho time I get this he hopes to be half back." haven't got any monoy to lay In a stock of tho goods I want to advertise" A Difference "You remember young Wlbblns, the fellow who was such a crank on temperance at our college?" "Yes; what about him?" "Well, I never saw such a booze fighter in my life now." "When did ho begin drinking?" "O, he don't drink; ho is making temperance speeches three times a day." They Do Not Speak Now "My husband writes the most beautiful hand." "Yes; I have often used hia let ters instead of a copybook." - One Thing Lacking "I only lack one thing of making a fortune," said Wimberly. "What's that?" "I've got a fine line of advertis ing matter all written up, but I Puzzled Our postmaster Is in a bnd fix." "What'n tho matter?" "Thero is a Jcttor in tho postofilco addressed to 'Tho MoBt Popular Man.' " "Can't ho deliver it?" "Certainly not; tho homo team is carrying fifteen players, and every one of them Is a star." TnrJff Noto Lay away the hoso supporter And tho patent gartor, too. They aro among tho things no longer Any earthly use to you. Do not worry more, dear reader; Drink no moro its bittor cup. Trust tho good old Aldrlch tariff It will keep your stockings up. Wiso to the Fact "Chickens always come homo to roost," wo remarked to the old col ored gentleman who does odd chores for us. "Dey aho' does, boss; an' dat's do very reason I alius shuts my chicken house door mighty 'arly in de evenin'." Our Troublo The tariff or tho frozen polo Aro matters that do not concern us. Tho things that harrows up our soul Is coal to feed that hungry furnace. Successful "Did you havo a successful foreign tour?" "O, I should say I did!" gushed tho returned traveler. "I got a pic ture postal card In every place wo stopped." Wise "I guess our new teacher is wise to her job, all right," remarked Lit tle William. "What makes you think so?" "All of us boys that picked out the back seats havo been moved to tho front seats." Local Item "I insist that Cook?" "Not on your life; Peary !" "Why, Peary is!" And Cook !" Then they mixed. Self Defense "How do you keep people from trying to talk north polo to you?" "I insist on talking Aldrich Payno tariff with them." TOE NATIONAL MINIMUM That is a good term of SIdnoy Webb's, "The National Minimum," coined for the purpose of conveying the Idea that there Is a level below which a nation can not afford to allow any of its citizens to sink; that there is a minimum of sanita tion, for example, of education, of recreation and of leisure which in the Interest of all must be assured to every individual citizen. And it was an interesting program that of tho "formulation and enforcement of a national minimum" which Mr. Webb outlined in his presidential ad dress before the Social and Educa tional League, and which he laid be fore liberals and conservatives, dem ocrats and aristocrats, trade unionists and capitalists, socialists and Indi vidualists as a task upon which, in spite of their differences of opinion, they might all unite. It is not a new Idea, of course, for eve nln its unfortunate condi tion the policy of a national mini mum ban been responsible for com pulsory education lawn, lawn limit ing tho hourH of labor, sanitary codes and other legislation by which men and women aro prevented from fall ing, or, perhaps It would be better to say, from being forced Into con ditions lu which thoy would be nion ace to their fellow-beings. Hut if formulated and frankly recognized and accepted by society the policy would bo still moro effectivo in pro moting boneflcont legislation and would, an Mr. Webb nays, "Inspire, guide and explain the statesmanship and politico of tho twentieth coin tury." LttPolIctto's. A GOOD FISHERMAN Farmer "III, thoro! Can't you see that sign, 'No fishing on thoso grounds?' " Colored Fishorman "Co'so I kin sco sign. I'so cullld, boss, lyit I ain't no Ignorant as tor fish on no grounds. I'm flshln' In do Crick." Driftwood. ON THIS FISNOI. Judge "You aro a freeholder.?" Talesman: "Yes, sir, I am." ,x "Married or single?" ;,' ' "Married three years last Juno." "Havo you formed or expressed an opinion?", "Not for three years, your honor." Success. It Jh tho bent policy holilcr'n com pany In tin United fltfiton. ASSETS, $3,.(H),OO0 Twcnty-thrco yearn old. Write The Old Line Bankers Life Lincoln, NcbraakH m... ..... -- i,.. j , .. ORNAMENTAL FEKOB JM m-algdft. All Ntf 1. llaadnome, eheapcr than wood, more durable ftpecUl pnceno enureses anu ccrae terlM. Don'tboynfenco US UI too get our aVrocaUIor. Kokons 3rnpUmahlamfa, Hi Morlbltt.,KokQme,lB4 FENGEWS& m mmmwmm Uronti thick eu-tlght Sold to tbouaer t Wfcatmfc Vrler: W I'ar frtUkt. CaUIokuo tnt COILKD SFfUMQ TKHCe CO., Box 34 rVtofrhwtar, Indian Moit complete and useful lrnall tool in-de. Nickeled Key KInr, Nail Cutter. Cleaner, Krater, Pencil Sharpener, Watch Case Opener, Pipe Cleaner, Cigar Clipper, Hot tier Opener, I.Her Opener, and Screw Driver Sample 'O Agent wanted. T. C. 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