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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 24, 1909)
f "tmn- SEPTEMBER 24, HO The Commoner. 13 i 4yW?(),li)r,t My Two Little Miss Margaret Buinpety-bump, Whoso tears are soon chased by her laughter; And Young Master Dickeywick Thumpety-thump, Who always couiestumbling down after. Two little tykes who are ever at play Till the clear stars begin shining, Then, snuggled in bed at the close of the day, Baby arms lovingly twining. Hither and yon through the day's speeding hours, Heedless of wind or of weather; Building in sandpile or plucking the flowers, Ever and always together. Shadows of eventide gathering 'round Find the two ready to green me; Happy my heart when I hear the sweet sound Littlo feet running to meet mo. Little Miss MaTgaret Bumpety-bump Perches upon her Dad's shoulder. Young Master Dickeywick Thumpety thump Being a boy and much bolder Clings to Dad's back as they enter the door Ready for mamma's sweet greet ing. Then for a romp on the sitting room floor For-minutes forever too fleeting. Bedtime at last, and each nodding head Tells that the sandman is trusty; Then off- to the folds of the dainty white bed . Are carried the youngsters so lusty. Sleep, babies; sleep! And through the long night May angels of God without number Guard theo and keep thee till dawn's rosy light In Joys of a dreamless child-slumber. you think, papa1 dear, that wo wero very thoughtful?" "Well, I that looks O, thun der!" And with this exclamation Slimp kins, pere, backed out of the dimly lighted front room. However after faithfully chronicl ing this incident let us disgress to the extent of explaining that this is about the only way to beat the Paync Aldrich tariff game. Did You Ever Notice It? When the 2:24 trotting race was called the people in the grand stand I sat up and took notice. It was tho big evept of tho day, and there were nine entries. One by one eight fine looking steppers ambled out upon the track. Where was the ninth? Ah, there it comes. And when tho ninth showed up there was a huge laugh, followed by knowing winks and nods, for tho ninth entry was a flea-bitten gray, bony almost to the point of calling for the services of tho Humane Society. Tho right fore-foot was swathed in red flannel bandages, the off hindfoot was out of plumb, and the horse limped pain fully, while tho ramshackle sulky of old fashioned make creaked dismally behind it. Same old gag! Everybody knew what would happen. After scoring several times tho starter tapped the bell and tho race was on. The flea-bitten gray got a bad start, but of course that was part of the game. Away went tho trotters, bunched at tho first turn with tho exception of tho lonesome gray, which trailed behind. It was a pretty race, but already interest was lost, for the old gag was on again, and tho result was already known by three-fourths of the spectators. I Only it wasn't. The flea-bitten gray was dis tanced tho first heat. It doesn't always happen tho way you have read about it in the story boofrs. One Advantngo "What's this?" growled Slimpklns, pere, as- he entered the front room very suddenly and discovered the gas turned down very low. "What's, this?" And Slimpkins, pere, spoke In a tone of voice that implied the neces sity of a sudden explanation. "Why, you see, Col. Slimpklns, I er, that is I am " "O, let me explain, papa!" ex claimed Miss Gwendoline Genlvene Slimpklns, rushing to the relief of Mr. Harold Vere de Vere Brown, who was plainly much embarrassed. "Well, an explanation is wnat i want, and want suddenly," growled Slimpklns, pere. "Well, you see, papa; Mr. Brown and I have been studying the Aldich tariff law, and we have figured out that the change in the coal schedule means an advance in the price of coal. And knowing that coal is used to make gas we figured out that of course the gas company would seek to shoulder off upon the consumer the increased cost of coal. With this knowledge we decided, after full dis cussion, that the best method of checkmating the soulless gas corpor ation was to reduce the gas bill to a minimum, therefore we turned down the gas as low as possible. Don't Disgusted "I never saw a man so thoroughly disgusted with himself as Smithklns was this morning." "Tell tho rest." "He tried to get a telephone con nection this morning, and when he failed he said a string of harsh words into the receiver." "Did central call him down?" "No. After he had talked a lot of smoky words somebody told him ho was using an automatic phone." Polar Note "What's the charge?" asked his honor. "I am a victim of a dash for the pole," remarked the prisoner as he fondled a bruised optic and moist ened a badly lacerated lip with a swollen tongue. "Explain yourself." "Well, your honor, tho pole was bigger than I thought he was, and he knocked me out the first round." Where tho Club is Needed Several times a day we meet up with men who proceed along lines that make us silently wish for a club. For Instance: There JLa the man who starta off by saying, "I heard a good one the other day. It may be a chestnut, but it will bear repeating" and then re peats it. And thero is tho man -who hnlrin your attention an hour whilo he tolls you of something exceptionally short mat no accomplished in a couplo of mi nines. And thoro Is tho man who persists In tolling you how much bettor ho could manago your business than you" manago It yourself. And thero is the man on tho street car who overlooks tho fact that von aro reading tho evening paper and persists in your listening to him whilo ho reads you something from tho same issuo. And there is tho man who manu factures his own statistics when ho argues with you. - Tho more wo ponder on these things tho more wo wonder when tho foolkiller is going to return from his long vacation. Personal Views "Life is full of ups and downs," says tho elevator conductor. "Lifo is a cell," sighs the long term prisoner. "Business Is picking up," says tho printer. "Appearances aro deceitful," ad mits tho ladies' tailor. "I have a preference for tho short metro hymns," admits tho gas man. "Our policy is to take things light ly," says the coal man, and tho ico man nods assent. "Business is fare," says tho con ductor. "Tho man who succeeds must take Interest in life," says the money lender. "Business Is pushing," says the banana pedler. "There Is alwr.ys room at tho bot tom," says tho well digger. "The tall goes with tho soup," says tho butcher. "I believe in the higher educa tion," says the aviator. "As tho twig is used the youth fs Inclined," says the school teacher. " 'Smoke up' is my motto," says tho cigarmaker. "It takes sand to succeed In my business nowadays," says the grocer. "I believe in forgetting tho pass ing guessed," says tho weather prog-nosticator. Brain Leaks Personal liberty Is not Individual license. Politics ought to make more fa miliar cellmates. A lot of people tire themselves out looking for havens of rest. The trouble with most of us is too little Initiative and too much referendum. A lot of men aTo deceived by be lieving their wives swallow every thing they are told. Last year the women looked like hour glasses; this year they look like thermometers. By the way, has tho discoverer of the north pole put any food in the mouths of the hungry? A "popular song" is not so much evidence of merit as it is an Indict ment of the public's musical taste. It is hard to Interest us in polar expeditions and aviating when tho homo team strikes a winning streak. There are two kinds of charity tho charity that helps men and the charity that helps men to help them selves. If wo know it wo never try to do business with a man whose children creep silently around tho house when be Is at home. 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