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AUGUST 27, 1909
The Commoner.
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The Banquet Bore
I have heard in song and story of
' , the man behind the gun,
v Of the man behind the plowshare
and the pen.
I. have read of hero medals on the
field of battle won,
And of honors won by writing
deeds of men.
But I come to sing the praises of the
man who makes a hit
With the people who attend the
banquet spread
Of the witty, clever talker who well
knows just when to quit,
And who quits before his auditors
are dead.
I have heard of martial heroes in
their panoplied array,
And I love to hear their praises
sweetly sung;
But I'd rather hail the hero of the
gustatory fray
Who can realize just when to stop
his tongue.
It is easy to go whooping up the
bullet-ridden slope
With your comrades all a-whoop-ing
by your side
But it's hard to stop the speaker
. who is full of lingual dope
And keeps pouring out his talk in
vi endless tide.
We have had the nervous fidgets on
' occasions quite a score
When the endless talker over
worked his jaws;
We have sat and dumbly suffered
' while some double-winded boie
Jialked "and talked without a sign
of halt or pause.
We have seen the 'weary feasters
. marching out in solid squads
To escape the turgid flow of "elo
quence;" But we've always had to suffer from
the bore's linguistic wads
That were merely endless words
sans rhyme or sense.
Here's a health to banquet speakers
who aie wise on when to cease,
And who quit when they have
nothing more to say;
But the weary, dreary spouter may
1 he know no rest or peace
Till he comes to face the final
judgment day.
Then-may he get nought but justice
and this sentence, I'd impose
On the endless banquet talker's
bullethead:
"Through the ages you must listen
to your drivel as it flows
; From the redhot phonographs
around you spread."
thought myself wise to all their
curves. But a few months ago I had
some business in Sioux City, and in
that Iowa burg I fell for the bunco
game. After concluding my business
I went to the cjepot to catch my train
and a few minutes before train timo
a bright-looking young man rushed
up and said:
" 'How are you judge! Going
back to St. Joe?'
"I told him I was.
" 'I represent Wheeler & Motter
down there,' said the young man,
'and I want to borrow your ticket a
few minutes.'
"I asked him what he wanted it
for and he told me.
" 'The baggageman here has it in
for me and is trying to hold mo up
for a lot of excess baggage that I
shouldn't have to pay. It's a skin
game and I think he is trying to
work a hold-out. But anyhow I'd
just like to have the ticket for a
minute or two.'
"As he was a man from home I
thought I'd help him out this once,
so I handed over my ticket.
" 'I'll hand it back before your
train is ready to start,' said the
young fellow, and
check his baggage.
"I waited and
didn't corao back.
about ready to go, and still no trav
eling representative of Wheeler &
Motter. I tried to get past the gates,
but the gentleman wouldn't permit
it until I showed him a ticket and
I had no ticket. Finally I thought
of an annual I carried over a certain
western railroad, being its attorney
here, and I got past the gate by
showing it. I caught my train just
as it was pulling out, but that is all
I ever did catch. I never caqght
that young man, nor did I ever catch
any trace of the ticket. It was use
less to try and get the ticket, of
course, for there Avas no way of trac
ing it, and so I had to charge it up
to profit and loss. But I can no
longer say that I have never been
the victim of the bunco man."
And when Tiey can land such
clever ones as Judge Culver, what's
the use of wandering over the coun
try roads to find 'em? The Archi
tect would take his chances in the
big towns if he went out looking for
a gold brick market.
off he went to
waited, but he
My train was
and for tho pies liko mother used
to make. Your article took mo back
in fancy to tho timo when I told
mother good-bye and set out to mako
my fortune which I have yet to
make. I was a boy again while I
read of the good timo you had that
one day, and I envied you. Wishing
you many more days of that sort,
and hoping you will drop in and boo
an old 'print' if you are over down
this way, I remain with regards,
yours very truly,
"EAItLE W. HODGES."
A card enclosed with this letter
tho card bearing tho little old
"joker" that wo union printers lovo
so well announces that tho writer
thereof is a candidate for the demo
cratic nomination to a certain state
office in Arkansas. Wo are not ac
quainted with tho political situation
In Arkansas, but up hero in Nebras
ka there is ono man who has a favor
ite candidate for tho office which tho
writer of the above letter aspires to.
You have ono guess.
Correct tho writer of that cheer
ful and complimentary letter. Here's
hoping, Brother Print.
"The Thurman No. 3"
Dodging
Tho United States senator was mot
at tho train by a delegation, ready
to escort him to the Chautauqua
grounds. He was once more at his
home, and the people wanted to hear
him talk.
For weeks they had been watching
tho tariff debate, and trying at tho
same time to locato with exactness
their senator's position.
Naturally they were expecting to
hear him expound his position.
Thousands gathered in the great
pavillion to hear him.
Slowly and with befitting dignity
the senator arose, buttoned his
Prince Albert coat with impressive
slowness, thrust his right hand into
his bosom and. cleared his throat.
Breathless, the great audience
waited for the words of wisdom con
cerning the ono great question that!
had to do with tho bread. and butter
problem.
Then tho senator proceeded to
speak for two or three hours upon
tho undeslrabllity of government
ownership.
Yet there are thoso who object to
the election of United States sena
tors by direct vote of the people.
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"Easy Marks"
After traveling around quite a bit
in this Valo of Tears as the pessi
mists call it the Architect has
reached this conclusion on one ques
tion: If he wanted to sell gold
bricks he wouldn't tackle the Amer- It really was the best ever.
lean farmer, but would hie himself had a home of that sort, and like
A Friendly Letter
This department makes no apology
for printing the following letter,
which is dated at Little Rock, Ar
kansas, and addressed to "The Man
With the Happy Habit," care The
Commoner:
"Will you allow an Arkansan to
intrude just a moment? I want to
tell you how I enjoyed your article
on going back to your boyhood home.
I once
to .some metropolitan city and select
his victims from among the wise
guys of the city. Just how easy
these city folk are is illustrated by
a little story and a true one about
the Architect's friend, Judge R. B.
Culver, of St. Joseph, Mo.
Judge Culver is one ot the big
lawyers of Missouri, the attorney for
several big corporations, including a
railroad or two, and a man who has
traveled extensively. As Judge Cul
ver tells the story himself it must,
of course, ho true.
"I've read of bunco steerers and
nil that sort of tiling," remarked the
Judge to' a bevy of friends, "and I
several other great men, I was once
a boy, having been born in a little
log cabin. That's about tho only
way I resemble great people. Am
not so old, either, but I have been
away from home a long time, having
had to dig for myself since I was
sixteen years old. Have a little home
of my own, a good wife and a fine
boy. I prize these three, and they
are the only things I have which I
would not part with except my rep
utation, I have been mixed up in
politics a little for several years, and
at times when I was worried and
busy I wish for the ol swimmin'
hole and the scenes of my childhood,
Strange Fact
Colonel Samuel Stone, a prominent
business man of St. Joseph, told the
Architect a little story the other day,
and the story is worth repeating be
cause it contains food for thought.
"I was stopped on tho street the
other day," remarked Colonel Stone,
"by a woebegone individual who
asked for .- dime to get something
to eat.
"'Why don't, you tell the truth?'
I asked. "Why not say you want
to get a drink of booze?'
" 'I'm telling you the truth,' de
clared the hobo. 'I don't have to
ask for money to get booze. A fel
low can always get a slug of whisky,
but it's mighty hard sometimes to
get a meal.'
"Do you know," concluded Colonel
Stone," "I've thought about that a
whole lot easy to get the stuff that
hurts a man, and hard to get the
grub that makes a man."
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Amended
"Ladies and gentlemen," said the
speaker of the occasion, "with your
permission I shall now proceed to
discuss tho tariff."
"Hi, there!" shouted a1 victim in
tho rear. I move to amend by strik
ing off the first three letters of the
word 'discuss!' "
The amendment' carried with a
whoop.
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