n
IJ"
The Commoner,
JUNE 4 1909
13
The Mighty Nimrod
it
Ho smote the hippopotamus as
went sailing by;
Ho caught the dread rhinoceros and
caught it on the fly.
With lariat he boldly snared the
huge o-rang-o-tang,
And when a lion came his way its
neck he quickly wrang.
He smote the deadly jabberwock and
stilled the jibberglee;
Ho cleared the jungle of the beasts
and made it fair to see.
With rifle fire and deadly aim he
made 'em bite the dust
But, mark this fact, 'tis beasts he
kills he never killed a trust.
A Bengal tiger barred his way, but
with a lusty shout,
He thrust his fist clear down its
throat and turned it inside out.
An elephant dared cross his path,
and with a shout of glee
He seized it by its tail and dashed
its head against a tree.
A tall giraffe came ambling by with
its stiff-legged trot
The mighty hunter grabbed and tied
its long neck in a knot.
Yea, all these things has he per
formed with all a hunter's lust
But search his record as you will, he
never bagged a trust.
The dread rhinoceros he scorns and
goes at early morn
And throws it over on its back by
: wrenching at Its horn.
He lariats the hippomus and traps
j, the crocodile;
The "rush and roar of jungle beasts.
can only make him smile.
It's bang, bang, bang; and bang
again, that through the veldt is
. heard,
And click, click, click, as fast he
writes at one big plunk per word.
A mighty hunter, surely, he; but
after all we must
Confess that he has failed to bag a
single greedy trust.
little lawn of mine, is that dodgasted
dandelion.
I don my gloves and rubber boots
and pluck the pest up by the roots.
I utter words emphatic, mean, and
fill the holes with gasoline. I fling
the weeds out in the street and stamp
upon them with both feet. "They're
gone!" I shriek. But woe is mine
next morn I see more dandelion.
I lay the mower in the shade and
seize the trusty spade. I dig down
'neath the burdened sod a distanco
that seems just a rod, and drag the
roots out one by one and lay them
'neath the blazing sun. "At last," I
cry, "no more shall shine upon my
lawn the dandelion!"
Next morn the same old yellow
hue is first to meet my jaundiced
view. The yellow blossoms blaze
away and nod their heads and seem
to say: "Good morning, Bill! Now
grab your spud and shed again our
yellow blood." But spite of all this
toil of mine the sole results more
dandelion.
Somewhere there must exist a
place where that pest can not claim
a home. And if such place per
chance to bo describe the route there
unto me. I yearn to pass this lifo
of mine sans sight or smell of dandelion.
Puzzled
It was in the year 3009 that the
grayhaired scientist who was digging
amidst the ruins of a long forgotten
city found a papyrus.
Long he puzzled over the strange
characters until, at last he found a
key.
"Ah, I can read it!"' he ex
claimed. "But, alas, I can gather no
meaning from the words."
And no wonder. He had struck a
1909 base ball reporter's account of
a red-hot game.
1b thercforo not allowed to own a coal
mine."
"That la correct. Wo aro now pre
pared to put an end to tho coal
trust."
"And I also seo that tho court has
also decided, in tho same caso, that
whilo a railroad company may not
own a coal mine It may own stock
In a coal mining company."
"Yes, it would be unfair, as well
as a tax on enterprise, to prevent
railroads from investing their sur
plus. '
"Therefore the railroad company
that can not own a' coal mine may
own the stock of a coal mining com
pany, lncreaso or decrease tho out
put, fix tho price, close or open tho
mine, or do anything else it pleases."
'"Sure, but of course tho court
would not go tho length of prevent
ing the development of our natural
resources."
"Certainly not, but what I want
to know is, how can a railroad com
pany that owns the stock of a coal
mining company keep from being tho
owner of the coal mine that is owned
by tho stock company owning tho
coal mine?"
"O, I have no patience with men
like you! You aro ono of those an
archistic trades unionists, or else a
man who would hamper enterprise
of all kinds."
Perhaps you can answer tho ques
tion: When is the owner of a coal
mine not tho owner of tho coal mine
ho owns?
Yet they blame us for not under
standing the law as interpreted by
the courts.
aftorward. Recollections of t&
Bancrofts.
On tho basis of a bushel of corn
producing 2.5 gallons of alcohol, U
has been figured out that last year's
corn crop in tho United States was
sufficient to furnish 20,000,000 horss
powor for ten hours a day for an
ontiro year. Ex.
to ALADDIN ,JL. HOUSE $12
KMti1-n frmrf h . HmiMi
II. PrH
turn and nnpi, W un yu MJI. Pf
for CflfllDMl. hCMM. Alt lumtMT Cut tl fit.
ktxnl. nnlltwwk, nefinm. Mrtfwtr. paint. ImcI
m prica (lvan. rvotaira. mm lufnp. m
Hotih Ammtttan OrftnKtHo C. Ry City,
H5
TOBACCO 'tiVrV SALESMEN
Good pay, itcady work and promotion. Kxparlenaa
unnccttvary aawo will Klvo comploto Jnittnictlon,
Danville tebacce C.,Bex L 8. Danville. Vs.
Pfltorttv No Foo until nllotrcd. Frco Hooka,
'tillttntltt YjLfliMtmLJirfflMAffE'
mmfi-.uajnttftt- rATAl nrnr cracc-
Aristocratic
'License No. 342,777.
Tho Windup
For forty years he schemed and
struggled and slaved. He shut him
self apart from his fellows in order
to accumulate great piles of gold.
Ho waved away human companion
ship and sought only tho glitter of
tho precious metals. What other
men wrought he toro down to build
higher the foundations of his own
enterprises, and when they sunk
helpless beneath the waters of
oblivion he only muttered to himself
and added to his store of gold.
And then came the end.
Of all the yellow metal he had
accumulated not one glittering speck
could ho carry with him when tho
'dread messenger beckoned and ho
vas compelled to follow. After all
tho years of his striving he came to
have only what even the poorest may
claim six feet of earth!
What was the use?
r . . ..
His Vacation
"Expect to take a trip this Bum
mer.?," "Yes; I always fall over the lawn-mower."
"There goes a young man who has
the entree to our best homes."
"Does he come of a good family?"
"I don't know about that."
"Then why is he welcomed in your
best homes?"
"I didn't say he was welcomed; I
said he had the entree. He reads the
gas meters."
The Argument
"As Shakespeare says, 'What's in
t
a-
"But it wasn't Shakespeare who
said it; it was Bacon."
Owing to the fact that we were
due at the office and had a' day's
work ahead of us we were unable to
spare the time necessary to hear the
discussion.
Information Wanted
"That is a fin automobile you
have; pretty' speedy. How fast were
you coming down the street when
yon passed me?"
"Before I answer, sir, tell me; aro
you thinking of buying a machine
like mine, or are you an officer look
ing out for 'scorchers?' "
Brain Leaks
How easy the other fellow's work
always looks!
A man's best Income is not always
measurablo by figures.
The man who knows himself has
a large stock of knowledge.
Some men's idea of "sport" is to
go out and kill something.
Tho man with "push" Is usually
a long ways ahead of tho man with
a "pull."
The man who does not love child
ren and dogs is not worthy of the
love of his fellows.
We have often wished that some
ministers could sit in the pew and
hear themselves preach.
People who expect to win heaven
by proxy are going to meet with
a warm disappointment.
The true fisherman cares very lit
tle about the fish, just so the condi
tions are right for fishing.
Coin minted from tho tears of
widows and orphans will never pur
chase a ticket to heaven.
Honestly now, wasn't your first
ambition to be the player of the
"tenor drum" in tho village band?
Men who quit trying to do good
because they meet with rebuffs are
not the men who accomplish things.
Life is full of ups and downs, but
the more you look up when you aro
down the less you'll find a need
for it.
When a woman burns her hand
she says "O, dear!" and then for
gets it until her husband comes
homo and she can show tho blister.
When a man burns his hand tho
whole neighborhood knows it.
DOW WIRE &IR0N WKS. LOUISVILLE.
A Municipally owned
Irrigation system.
Unllmltcd water m free as tho dlirtrJct achoat
Why not havo on Ideal homo In the hwirt of Catt
fornlo? How to wilt. Writo for froo booklet.
Dept. C, Hoard of Trade, AIoleHto, Cat,
ORNAMENTAL PBNC
i 98 JBmIkh. All KtfoL
' Zlandaotne, cheaper tbaa
wood.morodHrabla. Special
prlcca to cburriica and cema
terlcs. Don'lbuTn fence na.
til yon ret oar IVro catalog.
Xokema 7eneeaCaohlnnC.
49i 2forUifi.,Xo)tOB90,ln4.
3-STROKE SELF-FEED HAY PRESS.'
MWttfea
6avatiaad
The Universal Pest
I gaily rise at break of dawn and
hasten" out to mow tho lawn. I look
tp see the glistening dew upon the
green grass misnamed "bine but
all I see, on every. hand, and spring
ing up to boat the band upon that
Beau-
Human Nature
"Good morning, Theodore!
tiful day, isn't it?"
"Delightful! Get your gun and
let's go out and kill something,
A. TEST OP FRIENDSHIP
Just before Artemus WaTd's death
Robertson poured out some medicine
and offered it to the sick man, who
said: "My dear Tom, I won't take
any more of that horrible stuff."
Robertson urged him to swallow
tho mixture, saying: "Do, now
there's a dear fellow for my sake.
You know I would do anything for
you."
Would you?" said ward feebly,
W&UnmtMMU&P&EM
All StHlud Iran
TvoMMeaaranH.
Tka Aula-Fstf an Hay Pratt (a.
1533 W. 12th St. K.C.Ha.
AtMar Ctlttagat Na. 3t
(ALSIMb
AGENTS ISAItN 175 to 2S0 a month aollis
Novcty Knives. Blades, razor ateol. Six jnontaa
guarantee. Ilnndlcs decorated with namo, oddraat,
lodco ombleniB, trado designs, personal photo.or
pictures 'of IJiiyan and other celebrities, flieat
oilers. BIk comralaalon, Write quick for territory.
Haveltj Cutlery Ce., 60S Bar St., Canton,
Latent Progress la the Conquering
IIog Cholera, by John M. Evvard, As
sistant to tho Dean and Director Mis
souri Agricultural Experiment Station,
This comprehensive article will appear
profusely Illustrated in tho June is
of the NATIONAL SWINE MAGAZINB,
published at Freoport, 111. Single
copies, 10c; no free copies. CO cents per
year or three years for $1. Send yor
order at once for there will bo but a
limited number printed In excess of tkm
regular list. Address the NATIONAL
SWINE MAGAZINE:, 4S & 47 Spring Sfc,
Freeport, III.
rawai aa
(0 DAYS FREE TRIM.
Wa ship on aroproraJ. wMfeoat oaf
after tutor ttaa Hereto 19 itn.
DO NOT BUYottrafconiMa
t wV pries waMl 70s rtcdra oar bftti
RTt catalogs 01atUUngnrr kla4
Merck, and hart karod oar unhearaf
price end marvtlouM new ojert
ONE CENTRUMS?"
Utlnr win h Mat yea txtte poatpaltiK
return nuiLYoa will t much Tlubl W
torsuMon. Donat.waJt.wrlteUneirV
.VWB.VPO ( Y)Ml.Kfl h.H
AJUU1O1 VUMHU'UIIUUlIt HW
9-wfcMla and all rnadriaa a iaij uwu prices.
MEAD OYOLE 00 Owt N 177 CHICJUft
Off 911113111 II 8I31HI IH1 IV3I Xiflf
2 POTATO MACHINERY
Z EXANTE1S 4 ROW 3FRAYEHS O m
0. E. CqampkkS
LINE s
Mixed grasping his friend's Tiand for the last
"T rpr that the supreme court has time.
ArnAa That the commodity clause "I would indeed," said uooertson.
of the Hepburn rate law is constttu- "Then you take it!
tional, and that a railroad company Ward passed away a few hours
T
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kO
aw " iLVMv V HaHHam rrrnB1!! -.
2 HOtSE EIEVAT01 DIGGEl ftfr1 5 r
SCHAHPION POTATO HOTY.COr?,
153 CHICAGO IVENUlw 1111639, IXD. Ol
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