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WEBUUAIIY 7, 1008
The Commoner,
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yrafcwoai,(of
Confessions of u Financier
He was an aged financier with sad
and rheumy eye
LWho wandered to my ofilce room and
took a seafc.near hy.
e gazed upon the pictures hung
about the stuffy room
fiyithout a single smile to light his
hopeless facial gloom.
g'What is it, friend?" I asked of him.
"What means this mute despair?"
He fixed me with his rheumy eyo
and answered then and there:
VI am an aged financier who's
watched the cycles turn
jJJntil from past events he thought the
future he'd discern."
&nd then he wiped his rheumy eyes
and gazed upon the floor
In silence till I prodded him and
asked to know some more.
Rnd then this aged financier his head
uplifted high
Knd fixed upon- my anxious face his
reminiscent eye;
tThen he spake thus, in earnest tones:
'Young man, propare to hear
Some words of wisdom uttered by
a one-time financier.
rom '73 to '96 for gold we took
our stand
And said the yellow metal meant
salvation for our land.
We scorned the silver dollar that
was worth but fifty cents,
Bind said that all we needed was a
stock of confidence.
Jut now I see our logic was chock
full of glaring flaws,
EFor that old silver dollar ain't the
worst that ever was."
fl handed him my fav'rite brand and
and tendered him a light;
He puffed for sev'ral moments and
his rheumy eyes grew bright.
"Young man," he said, "as time
rolled on and business grew apace
We found a lack of something for
that daddy dollar's place.
A flood of gold fell on us, but de
spite the yellow tide
There was a lack of something that
our shrewdest brains defied.
But we looked wise and solemn and
we argued loud and long,
And 'preserve the nation's honor'
was the burden of our song.
We sidestepped good and plenty, but
we got it in our necks
When instead of silver dollars we
were handed 'cashier's checks.' "
Once more he coldly fixed on me his
sad and rheumy eye,
And I could see that to his gaze old
days were passing by.
"Young man!" He spake in earnest
tones that told his weight of
woe
"It soon transpired that even worse
than cashiers' checks we'd know.
We've had our flood of yellow gold,
we've had our confidence,
And still we sadly feel a lack a lack
that is immense.
So now we spring another scheme
of 'asset currency'
A substitute for money, and it don't
look good to me.
I've figured it all over and I've come
up here to say
Those good old silver dollars look
real good to mo today."
Once more he filled his trusty pipe
from out my little sack,
And stood upon his wobbly legs to
pat me on the back.
"Young man," he said, "I've seen it
all since eighteen forty-three;
From wildcat banks right down to
date to asset currency.
I've howled against inflation and
I've issued cashiers' checks
I've juggled legislation and I've dealt
some ice-cold decks.
To guard the nation's honor I have
made a great pretense,
And I've howled about a dollar that
was 'worth but fifty cents.'
But when I think of cashiers' checks
and dollars based on air,
Those good old silver dollars look
real pretty, I declare."
He gazed on me with rheumy eyes
and filled his pipe once more,
Then with a sad and mournful bow
he vanished through the door.
Explained
"Gracious, old man! How did you
catch such a frightful cold?"
,"0, I worked with the furnace till
I overheated myself, then went up
into the sitting room and got chilly."
Not Neqcssary
"Say, Binks, have you read what
Dr. Searchemout has to say about
this grip epidemic?"
"Do I habbent, ad I aind going
to, either. I can say enub about it
to suid me."
Gastric
"I see by the newspapers that
three islands off Yutan have disap
peared." "Perhaps they fell into the jaws
of our fleet while Admiral Evans was
feeling rheumatic."
By Our Kind Friends
Taking advantage of a bad case
of grip, which is an excuse for
shirking work or anything else
the architect of this department begs
leave to fill up some space with a
couple of contributions from as many
kind friends. It is cheerfully ad
mitted that the department would be
bettered if the grip proved to bo
chronic, thus compelling regular pub
lication of contributed rhymes, but
the admission is made in confidence.
Readers are requested not to reveal
it to the business office.
Edwin Beard of Chenoa, 111., con
tributes the following under the cap
tion of "The Scene Changing:"
That "Five to Four" of which you
write
Depicted well our judges plight.
If this monarchical game goes on
Till the republic's life Is gone
There'll be a change in official score,
And they'll not play it "five to four."
With one-man power now well begun,
And Morgan ruling earth and sun,
Instead of "live to four" we'll be
undone
By the smaller score of "one to
none."
A new division e'en now has come
That changes the percentage some.
The other day in Pennsylva-nee
The Judges parted compan-ee
"Four to three."
Perhaps elsewhere there'll come a
test
And judges soon will do their best,
In passing laws in long review
As evenly as they can do,
And make it "three to two."
This custom doubtless had Its origin
When carpetbaggers went a foragin'
After the votes of a southern state
And counted Tilden out at the even
gait
Of "Seven to Eight."
Another friend who coyly hides
behind the nom de plume of "Gill
Burt" sends in some verses. After
carefully studying tbem wo can not
help believing that ho ha boiuo ref
erences to allusions that are calcul
ated to put him in danger of banih
ment for leso majeste. This friend
writes as follows:
It really is most wonderful,
The many things I know.
In Heaven above, in earth beneath,
And even down below.
Lions and tigers, boars and birds,
The fishes In the sea,
Whether they talk, or swim, or fly,
It's all the same to me.
No man that over walked the earth
At least since Adam's fall
Had such a mighty grasp on things
And really "knew it all."
Some say Prometheus was tho first
To bring us heavenly fire;
I say tho man who says it is
A most pernicious liar.
I know a claim is also made
'Bout Jonah and tho whale;
I caution children not to read
A book with such a tale;
But if you really want to know
And would not bo benighted,
Read only books that I have writ,
Then I shall bo dee-lighted.
Alone I fought tho Spanish war
And slew a Spanish minlnn:
Alone I captured San Juan Hill
At least that's my opinion.
And future history will prove,
What's called the "G. 0. P."
Or, rather what is loft of it
Is nothing else but me.
But ono thing I can't understand
A censoless source of wonder
How folks got on before I came,
And yet they did by thunder!
Gill Burt.
Correct
"They say he married her for her
money and that she married him for
his title."
"Well, by gum," remarked Uncle
Josh, "if they look anything like
their pictures in th' newspapers, all
I got to say is that both of 'em
earned what they got."
Brain Leaks
Solomon was a wise man until he
got so much money it made him
foolish.
The world will pause longer to
laugh with you than it will to sym
pathize with you.
We always have our doubts about
the veracity of those who say they
do not like onions.
We cheerfully confess to bo just
old-fashioned enough to like to sit in
front of a fireplace.
Speaking of glad surprises, did you
ever find a quarter in the pocket of
a pair of discarded trousers?
Culinary skill limited to fudge and
chocolate cake is not calculated to
make housekeeping pleasant.
The lawyer can appeal his mis
takes to the supreme court; the doc
tor has to wait much longer.
The proudest moment in a young
man's life Is when the barber says,
"Your beard is getting tough."
When we get rich the first thing
we will do will be to buy a bushel
of collar buttons, a ball of shoe
strings and an extra pair of sus
penders. The man who waits until he gets
home to open his pay envelope gen
erally begins work Monday morning
feeling well and happy.
When we read that a man and wife
have lived together for twenty or
thirty years without a quarrel we
wonder what the recording angel
said about it.
Wh$
A
MYVEHI-
CXLS ARE
YOURS TO TRY 30
DAYS FREE
Thin Is tho rlan that I
sdontrd wveii v ir i
and it ha bem san fac
tory to both invcni- m m
nnumyilf. In addition t3
that, 1 ffunrnntise to tavo
you '.J in tho cost. I sell
my Si'MT IIIC-K-ouy
vunci.i'.q
direct .rom my fac
tory to tho uftor
Thoro Is no middle
man's profit bo
tween tin -no agent
between jou and
mo. My L-oods
nro backed up
mn
Onfl
bum! rod
thmuuiml
Hjtllt Hickory
tuulclenlnulo
all otcr tlio
United HtaW.
ThoUKimlit nf na.
tOlllom verirnrlirtrn wtin
wy tliay saved monoy in r A
dinting with mn. Writ J
formy FRCC 12.paa Cat. 4
aloguo today. A poital will
Ifpt It. If nnnliitif llplwlii..
wuronn, Top HtifrirlM, Automobile
Bent Driving Wnoiia and Two-ln-
HtlrrrvM Rttrlntr Wt.nn ....(
terfJy,rlcc" K"nuuecd tosavoyoa
mv " rv g
AiuirpyiunopcntonnUy -wrlto today.
CiUIOKUo will ouio, potAKO n-Md,
by return mull. '
Aaclri-Il. O. l'lIKLffl, IVm.
The Ohio Cnrrtoflc Mfg. Company
aiauon i
CoLmbus,.OIiJo
UoHuronnlu(Mrtij
all mall to bead.
ntlartm
Columbus,
U.
cy iwj tr.o
big car
riage fnc-
tnrfru
tint In-
SEND US $2.75.
itate whether
you wlili 32 or
JS-ca liber. And
we will tend
yon this high
grade, fftnuino
New England
automatic, self cocking, nclf ejecting, llvo-hliot rcvoly.
cr. full nlclccl nlatcd, robber handle, one of the high
cm Kmdo revolvers made, guaranteed In every way
tho equal of revolvers tint are lKlm: widely adver
tlHod at $0.00. If you don't find It bo you can return
It to us at ourcxpciiNO, and wo will Immediately return
your money. 1.00k In our latent lilg (fetalc-guo for
wonderful offerH In revolvers, rides, minx and rportlrr
goods. You will bo surprised nt what ho are now
offcrlmr. If you haven't 11 filer Catalogue borrow your
neighbor's or on a postal card to iw simply any, "JfuU
mo your great free Kim offerH." Addrw,
SEARS, ROEBUCK & CO., CHICAGO, ILL.
SHtO
end Your Hame
Johnnon for hln big, free
Old Trusty incubator
Iloolc 176 jiaKMi. Kvery
natfo a poultry oerniou.
II) o Burewt and HlmnlOHt
Incubator. SOLD ON 40
AND CO DAYS' TRIAL
PrelKbt prepaid. VA or bettor
hatchea irnarauteta. wrlto today to
M. M. JOHNSON, Clay Contar. Habrn
fififtllftCnii 1
l)Ttf
ur-'
)fWJw
All Leading Varieties ?,' "jiffy
PL'CKH, UV.V.HK, TLUKKTH, KfiC'H ! I ItKK TKUfj
iKCt;iuTOJU.atrlKhtprlcfc.uo.Tiitvuilyou
kco what we offer. A. 1 Itcf'r''ricrfl. Hcnd2
ccntu for Illustrated catnloirue. ciUftTHXKKtt.
1'OtibTltV YlUJi,Utpl. 43, a ASK ATOMIC
PATENTS triaf PROTFrT.
ODr3bekirorlarotoriDalU4oDrrltor eu. lUnpa
H.b.ft. ri.lAUfcT.Waghlngton.D.C. Etlab. 1853.
- "" "JPMWaaWWIgBBlBBMal
MPr Laxoest
STARK
Nurseries Pay Cash Weekly
AMD WANT WORK SALESMEN EVEXY-
WHEKE. Beet Costbact. Rfjit Oirmr.
Laxoest Nurserieswith an 82-Ye ah Record.
STARK BRO'S, LOUISIANA. MO.
5
gs
fj Good Apple Trees
AH variotfen. Poacn 5c, Plum 120,
Cherry 17c. Grauen 2J0 ier IW Graftxl
trooft, not seedlings. We pay the freight.
Pull tine of nursery stock and seeds. Largo
Illustrated catalog freo Write to-day.
German Nurseries, Box 77. BEATRICE. Hib.
UK& BRED R
Fifty years study enables us to offer h-rt tnmrn
Iprades pure bred BKEU CORK. No corn grown
Icouols Iowa Corn. We cultivate taattvwHof well
I urea corn, largo germ, crcf ully graded, write for
I iruu uaiiiuK nnu mil imormaiion.
W. w. VanSant & Sons, Box 29, Farragut, Iowa
i
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