JANUARY 31, 1908
The Commoner,
13
Things That Make One Wcury
"When you seo the court dividing by
a vote of five to four
On a question of the constitution's
meaning;
When the "big guns" can't agree
down at Washington, D. C,
How can humble folk like us the
truth be gleaning?
When we see 'em scrapping plenty
on the meaning of the law
Then it's time about the courts wo
should be leary;
When the judges on the bench will
the constitution wrench
Wouldn't that make honest voters
mighty weary?
When you see a trust grow mighty
on its tariff "infant food,"
Swelling up and growing even
bigger yearly;
When it soaks you here for fair,
selling cheaper over there,
Who can blame you if you think
it's acting queerly?
When it begs you for protection till
it gets upon its feet,
Then proceeds by law to roughly
pick your pocket;
When you've warmed them next
your vest and they bite you in
the chest
Don't you think it time to just
haul off and knock it?
When you seo a corporation pumping
water in its stock
Till it's quite as moist and damp
as Mother Ocean;
When it's soaked up through and
through after it has soaked
you, too
Doesn't it fill up your soul with
deep emotion?
Then .when hamfat politicians beg
you not to interfere
Lest you make the business sit
uation "skeery,"
And they beg you to be fair and
treat corporations square
Say, isn't that enough to make
you weary?
When you see a man pretending for
the nation deep concern,
And insisting on a "safe" and
"honest" money,
Then declaring loud that he is for
asset currency,
Which is no-cent dollars say,
now, ain't it funny?
When you see these things occurring
all around you day by day,
All by cunning and by greed and
graft inspired,
Lot me ask you fairly, truly, don't
these burdens press unduly
Till they make the honest voter
mighty tired?
had been caught on the wrong side
of the market. "That's no mystery.
One of them blamed corporations
grabbed it and used the water for
its stock."
All Ilvndy
"Hello, Penheck! Where are you
going?"
"Down to the club to meet the
boys I was out with last night."
"What's that bundle under your
arms?"
"O, the boys will ask me what my
wife said when I got in last night,
and just to save time I'm going to
hand them the bundle Jt contains
an unabridged dictionary."
Preparation
"What makes Bilkins so confident
that ho can write a successful book?"
"O, he's going to make an ocean
trip in a cat boat, shoot grizzlies in
the xtockies, chase bears in Louisi
ana, abuse afew people who do not
agree with him and back a few in
junctions against certain greedy
trusts. By the time he gets through
with all this everybody will be hank
ering after the book ho will write
when it is all over."
The Optimist
I'll face the music, come what may
Great joy or bitter sorrow;
The sun may hide its face today,
But it will shine tomorrow.
And if the road seems rough and
long
I'll make it smoother, brighter,
By trudging on with smile and song
To make my burden lighter.
I'll face the music, come what may
My heart with hope is throbbing.
The work that faces me each day
Can not be done by sobbing.
Each daily stunt I'll do my best,
My efforts best recording;
Content that God will do the rest
And care for the rewarding.
Excusable
"What have you to say for your
self?" sternly demanded the police
judge. "You are charged with hav
ing hit the plaintiff in the eye."
"Say, judge; dat guy insulted me
at de polls by offerin' me a dollar f'r
me vote."
"You did perfectly right to hit
him. You should be discharged."
"Course I did right, yer honner.
Didn't T hear him offerin Bill Mc
Ginnity free dollars f'r his vote?"
Another Objection
"I objected to the new gold coins
because they wouldn't stack."
"That didn't bother me. I object
ed to them recauso they wouldn't
stick."
His Excuse
"Look here, old man; I thought
you were on the water wagon."
"Sure, I wash, ol' man. An' I
would'er been on it yesh if th' wa
ter wagon drivers shadn't called er
shrike."
oral manager. "But that no longer
interests us."
"But what about adverse legisla
tion ?" wo queried.
"Wo care nothing for it now. If
wo do not like tho law we morel;
claim its unconstitutionality, and
wo've been disfiguring tho conatitu.
lion so much of late that even the
supremo court can not deny our
allegations. If.; a lot cheaper, too,
than tho old method of maintaining
a lobby."
Turn About Fair Play
Tho army chaplain who was about
to be retired because he couldn't
stand tho endurance tost of riding
horseback for fifteen miles.
"Well," he mused, "If I am to be
retired on that test I will insist on
another for tho gentleman who
framed It up. It would take about
an hour and a half to ride that dis
tance. I'll make the board listen
while I preach to them that long,
and if they go to sleep I'll insist upon
their retirement."
Realizing that this was not tho
proper ministerial spirit wo endeav
ored, but vainly, to persuade him to
desist.
Unfortunate
Mortification
There was a young fellow named
Paul,
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
During one of the dances
He fractured his pances
And had to go home in a shawl.
Boston Transcript.
A charming young fellow named
Fred
The first of the cotillions led;
He slipped on the wax,
Falling down in his tracks,
And landing kerplunk on his head.
Happening to pass the cell occu
pied by tho former financier who had
been caught in the act, we asked
him:
"And how did It come about that
you were sent up?"
"0, I couldn't keep things hid
long enough to lot another presi
dential campaign como around."
This mystified us and wo asked
for further explanation.
"Well, I didn't have any clmnco
to holler for 'honest money' and
offer myself to defend tho 'national
honor,' and failing to attract atten
tion in another direction the people
got to watching me. Then it was
all off."
This explained the matter to our
entire satisfaction and wo wended
our homeward way.
Brain Lealcs
Explained
"I see by the paper," remarked
Mrs. Bildad, "that the level of a
lake in New York suddenly sank
eight feet, and that the scientists
are at a loss for an explanation."
"Huh!" grunted Mr. Bildad, who
Different
Congress being in session we were
surprised to see the boss of the
Amalgamated Corporation company
sitting quietly at his desk instead of
being in Washington.
"But they are passing a lot of
bills aimed at your various com
panies," we said.
"0, quiet true,' yawned the gen-
The man with a hammer saws lit
tle wood.
Human life is always quoted low
on the industrial market.
The man who is honest from pol
icy is dishonest in principle.
It is always amusing to see a lit
tle man swelling around in a place
of brief authority.
We would dearly love to know
what a baby really thinks about all
tho fuss made over it.
The real philosopher is one who
can think cheerful thoughts while
nursing a case of tho grip.
Oranges are as. cheap as lemons.
Why not hand out more of the
former and fewer of the latter?
When it snows tho city man who
doesn't know alfalfa from ruta
bagas says, "It will help the crops."
Some people make the mistake of
praying only for what they want in
stead of asking for what they need.
The rain that keeps some people
from church is just enough to make
an ovcnlng at whist a roal plounuro.
Why does tho telephone boll al
ways ring Just as you are fairly geat
ed at tlie table with a mouthful of
food?
Our ideal man of foroHlght in the
one who seize on tho firut Ktormy
day of winter to sharpen tho Iawn-niowor.
1
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