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DECEMBER 27, 1007
The Commoner.
13
tfOi7
Easy
I bought my wife a meerschaum pipe
And kept it hid away;
Until I could hand it to her
Upon last Christmas- day.
For me she bought a collarette
A sealskin beauty, too.
She hung it on the Christmas tree
And said: "Dear, it's for you."
That evening, when 'twas time to
dine,
We both sat down to sup,
She with the pipe, I with the fur
And traded, even up.
Safe
'.'I fear for our fleet. They tell
me it is awfully cold at Cape Horn."
"Or cheer up! Admiral Evans'
language will warm things up when
he gets there."
tive exchange of goods about two
thousand years ago, and just before
it was thoroughly demonstrated that
the superstition was harmful. This
is a very valuable relic, proving to
us, as it does, the wonderful. devel
opment of the race since wo learned
to put our trust wholly in our own
strong and wise men."
After allowing the valuable infor
mation to soak in, the excavators re
sumed their labors.
Theatrical
Not Interested
The fact that nineteen eight can be
By four divided don't, somehow,
Appeal so very much to me,
Because, you see, I'm married now.
Self Defense
Gazing thoughtfully at the hand-
!somely decorated box of Perfecto de
Mud's that his loving wife had given
him for Christmas, Mr. Nick O'Tyne
mused:
"It's either these or swear off.
Having thought the matter over
carefully he stuck a couple in his
pocket and said:
"However, if I carry these around
with me it may help some."
His Defense
"You are charged with having
adultered your milk with water,"
said the police judge. "What de
fense have you to offer?"
"Your honor, I am rather to be
praised than blamed. Far be it from
me to add to the burdens of the peo
ple. I was but adding to the cir
culating medium."
Having just been paid off in cash
ier's checks the police judge could
only write "discharged" on the
docket and call the nex case.
She said farewell,
But bear in mind,
It was the prima
Donna kind.
Birmingham Age-rHerald.
She wept with grief
And tore her hair,
But kindly note,
A crowd was there.
St. Louis Times.
Though he was false
She loved him still,
But that was in
The vaudeville.
Columbus (Ohio) Sun.
She said: "Although
I starving am
I spoln youah gold,"'
In melodram.
New York Mail.
"You I defy
. To do me hurt,"
She said. 'Twas in
The "ten, twentr, thirt."
equal to the express value printod
upon thoir face."
Recalling to mind the logic of
those who defended the nation's
honor so carefully a few yoarH ago,
we realized that we could offer no
sound objection.
GUARANTEED TELEPHONES
In 3007
The excavators for the new 300
stpry building dug up at a depth
of some thousand or so feet a small
disc of some metal strange to all of
them. Despite the corroding of time
they could see that it was the work
of human hands, so they took it to
"Professor Kerosenus Oilibus Roger
feller, the well known delver into
mystic lore and head of the Amalga
mated Educational Trust.
"Pray tell us what it is," said the
excavators.
Pulling his spectacles down over
his nose until the glasses focused
with his keen eyes, Professor Roger
feller gazed long and earnestly at
the disc. Then he opened his mouth
and spake learnedly:
"This," said he, "is a relic of a
medevial age, known to us as the
shortage. It is a primitive form of
money, used oy a semi-civmzcu yw
Dle who were so ignorant and super
stitious as to believe in a higher and
nnseen power than those self-selected,
to rule over them. This inscription,
written in characters long forgotten
Rave by archeologists, testifies to the
SISalence of this superstition at
Sat time, and bears out our claim
Sat it was made and used la a primi-
Proof Positive
The man was hauled, struggling
and protesting, before the insanity
commissioners.
"But I am as sane as you are,"
exclaimed the man.
"Of course, of course," said one
of the commissioners, soothingly,
"Now what is the charge?"
"Why, a man owed him $2,000 and
offered to pay it in the new gold
coins, but he refused to accept them,
savine: that owinK to the high relief
of the design the coins wouldn't
'stack.' "
"Wouldn't accent them, eh? It is
a clear case. The papers will be
made out immediately and handed to
the sheriff."
Satisfactory
Slowly, carefully and laboriously
the banker explained to the depositor
why real money could not be paid
out on the check, and why the cash
ier's check or clearing house certifi
cate was just as good as the cur
rency. "And now. sir." said the banker
with a smile, "I hope you understand
the matter clearly."
"I think so," said the customer.
"It means that if I am so hungry
that I'm almost starved, all I've got
to do is to drop into a restaurant
and read the bill-of-fare."
Intrinsic
"The people are wrongfully trying
to prevent us from conferring a great
blessing upon the public," said the
manager of the paper trust.
Being of a curious disposition we
could not refrain from asking for
full information.
"Why, if "we are not Interfered
with we' will yet make the intrinsic
value of clearing house certificates
The Optimist
What's the use o' woepln'?
Better days arc comln' Hoon.
Don't bo cryin', but bo tryln'
F'r t' lilt, a morry tune.
What's th' use o' moanin
It th day Is dark an' drear?
Clouds don't matter they will
scattor
If you sing a song o' cheer.
What's the uso o' grumblln'
If your plans go nil awry?
Keep on smilin' all th' while an'
You will git there by an' by.
What's th' use o kickln'
At your tough, untimely fate?
On tomorrow shove your sorrow
An' keep hustlin while you wait.
What's th' use o cryin'
Cause all dayB ain't days o' June?
Prick the bubble you call trouble
An' strike up a merry tunc.
Brain Leaks
Some politics makes familiar cell
mates. He who sows smiles reaps happi
ness. , , ,
Cheerupathy is tho beat school of
medicine.
Moral dyspepsia is often diagnosed
n rllflrn.
The multitude pauses when the
heart speaks.
I Will is always helping I Wish
out of a hole.
The drinker who tries to taper
nff' irnnnrnllv toners On.
"". - O ..--- .
A Christmas gilt given as an obli
gation carries nothing with It.
People who take life easy usually
make it hard for somebody else.
People who are always looking for
evil miss seeing a lot of good.
Worry makes itself known, but
good fortune has to bo Introduced.
When a man really becomes ac
quainted with himself he feels
humble.
A balky furnace Is responsible for
sins that will take more than charity
to cover.
After all, the chief difference be
tween most people is In the length of
the clothesline.
A lot of people who think they are
wearing crowns now will know their
crosses after while.
It always makes us mad to hear
anybody boasting of how early they
arise in tho morning.
It would be difficult to una nine
tailors willing to accept the respon
sibility for some men.
Reputation has carried men to suc
cess when their characters would
have condemned them.
Last year's failures will count for
naught if made the stepping stones
to this year's successes.
We alwayB have our doubts about
the people who make good resolu
tions and then louaiy uuubi ui wwu
What a difference it would make
if we kept tho December 25 spirit
in our hearts every day in the year!
mu m.n -who tries his level best
and fails is entitled to more credit
than the man who succeeds without
effort.
There Is only the difference of one
letter between luck and pluck, but
that one letter maiccs au uie umei
ence in the world.
The trouble with some people on
New Year's day Is that they make
bo many good resolutions that they
goon lose track of them.
For Farmer Pwrty f,ln
Cloar Talkora. Laud Hlagmrt,
Lightning Proof,
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