.-
?;T"'Vr;i'"yJr -xrB ,"" 13
The Coixitnoner
SEPTEMBER 13, 190fr
13
". f " W ""
M rT MHfl B JLlh J fl T , MMTMIVHP. V
THE VERY CALM PHILOSOPHY OF fAR. TAUGHED
Mr. Taughed was one of those nu
merous reformers who believed In
reform, all right all right, but prac
ticed procrastination to a remark
able degree.
"Mr. Taughed," remarked his bet
ter 'half one morning, "I am con
vinced that our grocer is charging
us entirely too much on several of
our items."
"I am sure of it, my dear," re
plied Mr. Taughed, "and I intend
remedying It soon."
"Will you speak about it today?"
"No dear. Our grocer is levying
a little tribute for the purpose of
being able to contribute handsomely
to my campaign fund, and he can
not make an exception of mo without I
giving the snap away."
"But you have declared that this
exaction of tribute must stop, and
that you will demand its stoppage
after election."
"Quite true, my dear. But by that
time the people have recovered from
the excitement of election it is al
most a certainty that they will have
forgotten about the grocer bills that
have been p:id. And if a few do
remember it and demand correction
thereof we will simply point to the
result of the electio- as a vindica
tion of the right to levy tribute that
way. We who are in politics are
often compelled to resort to seem
ingly illogical action."
In addition to owning the house
in which he lived, Mr.- Taughed also'
owned a cottage at the corner of
Goose and Spruce which he rented
to Mr. Tolland Strive, a blacksmith.
"Mr. Taughed," said Mrs. Taughed
one morning, "Mr. Strive was here
last evening while you were out and
insisted on having the roof of his
house repaired at once. He said that
you had promised to fix it several
times." i
"I -really must repair that roof,"
mused Mr. Taughed. "But as there
is no present indication of rain there
is no particular hurry. It may never
rain again, and if it does not there
is -no reason for incurring the ex
pense of repairing, the roof."
"But if it does rain?" said Mrs.
Taughed.
"Well, if it Tains we, can not re
pair the roof until it quits raining,
and after the rain stops we can
again take the matter under consid
eration. Mr. Strive must not bo in
sistent. The roof- will be repaired
by its friends at the proper time.
rent right now. As soon as the cam
paign is over and our political policy
for the next four years Is fixed, I
will favor revision of the river's cur
rent, but shall insist that it bo re
vised by the friends and beneficiaries
of its present action."
Being a lawyer Mr. Taughed was
often called upon to defend men
charged with fracturing the laws of
the land. It so happened that he
was called upon to defend Breakin
Howes, who was charged with burg
lary. The selection of the jury en
tailed a lot of work, but Mr.
Taughed was a worker and finally
secured a jury that suited.
The trial was contested with spirit,
but finally resulted in a verdict of
acquittal after the jury had been
out about ten minutes.
"How did you do it?" queried a
friend.
"It was very simple," replied Mr.
Taughed. "I merely secured a jury
composed of men who were in sym
pathy with burglary. Of courso I
think that burglary Is a business
that Bhould be revised, but lest too
sudden or too radical revision in
jure those who now have their capi
tal invested in burglar's tools I think
that it i should be revised by its
friends."
Milwaukeo demands to know how he
got them. i (K
That's easy. Doubtless -tic drew
for them, "but the .other fellow drew
a llttlo harder.
Vpanswcrable
After an hour of rcdhot argument
In favor of the parcels pogt wo quit
from sheer exhaustion and asked:
"But have you any valid reason
for opposing the parcols post sys
tem?" "Several hundred of them," he re
torted, "and each one of them a
share of stock in an express com
pany.'
Realizing that argument was. use
less wo turned sadly away.
What Love is
What is love? Boston .Globe.
Answer: 000000000. Milwaukee,
Sentinel.
O, fudge, Griflln! How could you
miss it so far? Love is $?$$$$$.
Hip, Hip, Hurrah!
"Ten to one the corset trust stays,"
says the Baltimore American.
"Of. corset will stay," says the
Washington Herald.
Humor gone to waist!
Paradoxical
Uncle,, Sam pays John D. Rockefel
ler $73.95 for going to Chicago and
telling what he didn't know.
At he same time Uncle Sam
spends a hundred million a year try
ing to educate his people.
Answers to Correspondents
"Curious" Not old at all we're
young.
"Dyspeptic" Did you ever try
work as a cure "for your indigestion?
"Infatuated" If she advises you
not to- spend so much money for
flowers, and ice cream and theatre
tickets, we believe you are perfectly
safe in propounding the momentous
question.
"Faddist" Wo have very little
faith in what you call the "hot wa
ter cure." Wo have been In hot
water most of our life, yet every
now and then we feel badly.
"Novelist" Really we can not
name our favorite writers of fiction.
The men who build the magazine ad
vertisements never sign their names
to their work.
"Inquisitive" Wo have seen so
many ridiculous things during our
brief career on earth that it would
bo impossible to pick out the "most
ridiculous." But we have seen men
who were forced to fence their farms
with barbed wiro howling their
heads off in favor of a protective
tariff on lumber.
"Dickleblrd" We confess to a
dislike for canary birds. They have
& foolish habit of singing too loudly
too early in the morning.
-INTENTS that PROTECT
B.I.U.B.UCEY.WnMniUn.O.C. tilth
,ftaM I
. 18W. 1
TRAVELING J'OHITION with Tobacco Man.
ufactuirr now open, flood pay and promotion, it
Induction And energetic, experience 1 not ner
mry. Danvlllo Tolicco Co., U6x OW. Danville, vo.
Nurseries Pay Cnsh Weekly
and Want Moxk Baujmzu Evikt-
wnmr. But Comhact, near Oormt
LK0K9TNi;iUEftiESwnif a 82Yr.AH Ktcono,
STARK BRO'S, LOUISIANA, MO.
li r-
PATENTS
KKCUKKH OK FK15
ItKTUUNKD).
rrm npnrta to Pat-nUbllllr. llluttratfl OuW
Book, tpd Llit of Intention Wanted, cent fro.
KVAN8, WII.KKNH&CO., Wb.MiikIoh.DO
JQaDaySure
H furnldi th work and tMh yo
Bmt u yiwir 4Atim$
ml w willitaw joa
h t mko 1 fUy
to.i ttu roi wAtk in
tb locality tir tpi I Ua, Hand ot your Atittt and w will
(plain OiatxiMnott fully. rtmrailwr wa ftiatnU acJtar proCI
of (4 for ararr da' work. aUolutalr aura. WIU alnnta.
KOTALKAAOriCTUUlSUCO., 89x1029 IUalt,Mlu
3 STROKE SELF FEED HAY PRESS
2 Men ran ran It
.1 ton in one boar
EaJiy draft.
Smooth b lea
Will aavo I Ui coat
Bhloped on trial
Batlafactlon
uilnraiiteecl
ran ATTo-rrcnAN ttay miro cc
TOl'l.KA. KANHAH. It ox
U. S. Govt. Publications Ec"oh5
Thoto publication! nro official find aro authorities
on tho ubcctg treated. Many or thorn nro mngulfl
ceutly Uluitrntcd. They relate to All nraurht of
knowledge. Including Agriculture, LIvo Block,
Manufacturing, Commerce, Mining mid Fj4hcrle.
Military, Navnl and Diplomatic Affair. Tmwh at Uio
nnlU.nl Htntra, Amorlcni! Htatory, Knglile'ring,
Mechanic, Mcdlclnu and Hygiene, Alt hrnnclira
of Science, Antroiiomy, Anthropology, Zoology,
Chcinlntry. acoloiry, Korentry, rind I'luli Culture,
etc, Hepd for I'ltKIS CATAI.O08 and prtco lint of
subject In which yon nro Intonated, Artdrttw HupU
of DoctmiflhtH, GoTU'rlntlinr OIIIceVaaU
lngtou, J. O.
r
Among Mr. Taughed's friends .was
Mr. Weedman Gardner who owned
and operated a truck farm on the
- banks of a somewhat erratic river.
One day Mr, Gardner rushed to Mr.
Taughed and exclaimed:
"Mr. Taughed, the river is grad
ually eating into my little farm and
washing it away. I wish you and a
lot of other friends of mine would
come down right away and help me
' protect my property with a riprap."
4I will he glad to help you at the
proper time," said Mr. Toughed.
"But now is the time," persisted
Mr. Gardner.
rTtnTnIc no""calmIy 'remarked
Mr. Taughed. "The soil washed
from your farjn js being deposited by
the current on the land of a friend
"bl mine on the other side of the
fiver, and he contributes largely to
my campaign funds when I am a
candidate for office. I am opposed
to any revision of tbe river's cur-
r. Disappointed
"I .see by Jhe special dispatches
that one of our-Islands in tho Pacific
has disappeared."
"Bully! Wish the rest of the
bunch would disappear!"
"But this wasn't one of the P.hil-
ippine group."
"Then why do you fritter my tinfe
away telling me about something
that doesn't amount to a hill of
beans?" -,
Strange
As the train stopped Senator Grab
all, on his way to one of our distant
island possessions on a congressional
junket, looked out of the Pullman
car window and saw a beautiful
building crowning a hill In tho midst
of a beautiful city.
"What building Id that?" he asked
of his secretary.
"Why that is the capital building
of Pennsyltucky, the state you so
ably represent," replied the secre
tary. His curiosity having been satisfied
Senator Graball resumed his study of
the market reports.
Thos. E. Watson
wan frozen out of tho New York "Wnton'i
Mngnzlnc," but ho nt onco catabllxhcd a Jtlniav-
zino ana a wcoKiy I'npor aimn own.
Wntson'H Jcffcrsoniun lInnJiie
Price per year $1.50.
Wnteoii'H Weekly .Tcflfcrsonlaii
Price per year $1.00.
BOTH TOGETHER $2.00.
Address
THOS. E. WATSON,
Thomson, Ga.
Tho Seasons
s
How swift the days of summer roll
And bring the days for buying coal!
How oft we think, as cold winds
rage,
Of how we wasted summer's wage.
But what's ' the .use, to, waste one'ef
time - ,
In writing pessimistic -rhyme? ;
We've' got to -dodge, both. left and
right
To ra4se the price fox; anthracite. ,,.
The Explanation
Hearing that a western editor has
been robbed of five diamonds an es
teemed contemporary pubshed at
. Brain Leaks "
Tomorrow Is the refuge of the op
ponent of tariff revision.
You do not have to go i,o the fair
grounds to see prize hogs.
The debt cC nature can . not be
paid on the installment plan.
A lot of men have not yet been
able to distinguish between notoriety
and fame.
Happy is he who can think of yes
terday without regrets and of to
morrow with hope.
Can you blame a woman who earns
$15 a week for not giving up her
job and marrying an $8.75 a week
man?
Some people think it is charity to
give away the old clothes they want
to get rid of without expense to
themselves.
What has become of the young
man who used, id soak' his hair in
bear's grease and then plaster it
against his brow in a semi-clrple that
reached his eyebrows?
The difference between a man's
handshake and the wag of a dog's
tail is that the wag is always sincere
The law's delays are responsible
for a lot of lawlessness.
The First Battle
A Story of (lie Campaign ot 1898 by
W. J. BIIVA1V
A." collection of IiIh upce'ehea and
biographical nkctch by hl jyjfcr Il
lustrated octavo, C73 Dixfifits , , (
"When the few copies I now bava"
arc old thiH book will bo out or'
print.
Trice, cloik bound, $1.50 each;
ntsnt by mall pontage prepaid..
dreMM orucrw,
G. H. Walters
Ai-
2245 Viae Street,
LIhcoIb, Neb.
The Cost of a Piano
ahould not bo reckoned entirely tipori what you
pay to get It, A very Important factor, tut the yeara
pass, la what you pay to keep It in order, and more
important still ix tho length of Bcrvlco and tho
decree of saUatacUon It elves you.
GABLER PIANOS
while neither the highest nor the lowest prices, are
unsurpassed by any lactrament made In America
or Europe lntiiesorvlca and satisfaction Uieyglve
for each dollar expended. Tho "GABMSIt
TONE" Ik famoux, and the nodus-famous
"GAIiLEK WOI&KMAPBI1IP" makes ttet
tone permanent through generaUon after generation
of useT A Gabler hi cheapest BECAU8K BEST.
lln-veetfca
Ernest Qpbter & ,Brtq.. v
. ESTABLISHES !.
500 Whltlock Ave., Ironx Borough, N. Y. City.
H
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XI
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