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JUNE 14, 1907
The Commoner.
13
ii i : ..
' In Memoriam
Dr. Alfred Harkness, professor
emeritus of languages, Brown uni
versity, is dead.
This notice will be of no particular
Interest to the boys and girls of ten
der years, but to the boys and girls
whose "hair is turning gray .and
whose eyesight is such that spec
tacles are a 'help, it will appeal with
great power after they have thought
a- bit. It may be some little time ere
they can r,ecall just who Dr. Alfred
Harkness was.
Well, just travel back thirty years
on the car of memory, and sit again
on the scarred benqh in the village
"high school." Now reach into the
desk in front of you and pull out
a brownish book with cloth sides and
a. leather back. Look, at the title:
"Harkness Latin Grammar."
.0, now you remember! "Hie,
haec, hoc!"
. Let's spe our Latin is almighty
riisty these days wasn't it "amo"
that caused us to steal a surreptiti
ous glance at the sunnyhaired girl
just across the aisle and get a rich
reward in the shape of a rosy blush
as she bent a little closer to her
book?
We didn't think so awfully much
of "Old Harkness" in those days. No
indeed! We used to think things
about him that wouldn't look good in
print, and if there is anything in the
old saying the Harkness ears must
have kept up a perpetual burning
that would make a western, prairie
lire look like a cigarstore lighter.
But as we grew1 older and schoolday
joys grew in the retrospect, we
learnedv to. appreciate., Dr. Harkness.
at something like his real worth, and
now, after a lapse of years long
and often weary years his name is
recalled by the notice of his death,
and immediately memory gets busy.
Why is your last match always a
tpothpick?
Why do ice cream signs suddenly
grow more numerous after you dis
cover that you have, only car faro
for two left in your pocket?
Why is it your morning paper
misses only on the mornings when
you are anxious to read the latest
developments in some big case?
Why does a woman always get off
a street car backwards?
Why is three hours in a chair at
the opera easier than an hour in a
roomy pew at church?
Preparations
"Maria, is the cases of canned corn
in th' cellar?"
"Yes, Josh." .
"Got th' condensed cream on the
shelf?"
"It's there, Josh."
"Plenty of canned sweet taters on
hand?"
"Lots of them, Josh."
"Plenty of old cane fish poles
leanln' again' th' house?"
"Got 'em all out last night, night."
"Did that tub o' oleo get here last
night?"
"Yes, an' I put it in the spring
house, Josh."
. "Well, I reckon I might as well
send this here advertisement f'r
summer boarders to th' city paper on
the next mall. We ought tr land a
few more this year than we did last,
ma."
wedding for the society columns of
the Sunday edition.
Two full columns of it, and only
eight words about the groom.
"Sho groom was garbed in tlio
conventional black."
And even those words had been
carefully hidden in the- body of the
article.
As before mentioned, tho society
editor was feeling very, very proud.
Sarcastic
"Papa," said little Johnnie Blngs,
"won't you give me half a dollar to
buy a pair of roller skates?"
"No,I won't; I haven't any money
to squander on skates."
"You might," dryly remarked Mrs.
Bings, "let Johnnie have tho skates
you had on last lodge night. I am
sure they ought to be good ones, for
they coat you enough."
Diagnosis
"How nervous Miss Neurich is.
She can not be still a moment; al
ways moving around."
"Yes; she is wearing her first ailk
underskirt."
Answers to Correspondents
"Meterological" We . have quit
talking about the present weather.
Our vocabulary has its limits.
"Isaak Walton" Huh.! We used
thatize for bait.
"Anxious Father" We are not an
authority on raising boys. We have
a" couple of our own. Try some old
bachelor, or old maid. They always
know. - .
"Lizzie" Can't do it. Wife keeps
track of. all the photos, and she
would miss it.
"Autograph Collector" Got $100
for our autograph the other day. But
we have to give the money back in
ninety days. Will send you one for
half the price if you'll let us keep
the money.
"June Bride" Better have the"
front room curtains smelling of
smoke than to have him down town
all evening.
"Inquirer" We still wear our own
hair; y
"Ancestral" French name; Irish
descent.
Animal Stories
Here are a, few animal stories that
are respectfully referred to Presi
dent Roosevelt:
Judges 14:6-9.
1 Kings 13:23-28.
Daniel 6:16-24.
Jonah 1:17; 2:1-10.
Genesis 30-37-43.
Numbers 22:22-31.
By the time President Roosevelt
has paid attention to these animal
stories and put the writers thereof
in the Rev. William J. Long class,
we will have some more from the
same source ready for him.
June.
Why
Why do the childrens' shoes all
wear out at the same time?
Why does the baby never want to
play in the coal scuttle until after
it has been dressed up in its best?
. What moves the rockingchalr into
the middle of the room after the
lights are all out?
Why does a fountain pen spring
its first leak just after you don a
'nice white vest?
Why does your last clean collar
always have a saw-tooth edge?
' .Why is the 6:10 car always late
When you promised to be home at 6?
What so raw as a day in .June?
Drizzling rain, and the cold north
breeze;
Frost wreaths form, on the window
pane, .
Coal all gone, and the house a
freeze. If this.be June, then I declare a "
Big preference for January.
Careful
"O, you must not clean your
gloves with gasolene, dear."
"Why not, ma? It cleans them
beautifully."
"I 'know, but them stuck-up Got
rox will think we own a common
automobile instead of an airship."
Traitor
"That fellow Bilkins that we elect
ed to the legislature is a traitor to
his party."
"Why, I thought he made a good
record."
"That's just the trouble. He ran
on a reform platform, and dog gone
him he went to work carrying out
his pledges."
Great Work
The society editor of; the Daily
Rlpsnort was feeling very, very
proud.
She had just finished writing an
account of the Lottsmun-Gobswealth
Brain Leaks
Better be a "has been" than a
"never wasser."
Jealousy is the greenbug in the
field of happiness.
Some men ought to be muzzled be
fore their dogs are.
When a man finally learns what
he wants he has a good start.
We'd give a lot to know what a
fourteen-months old baby thinks
about.
Some men have an idea that their
rights consist in profiting from other
people's wrongs.
We never complain about the
slowness of time when we are inter
ested in our task.
There are some men so moan that
they will not smile when a baby
waves its tiny hand at them.
The "midsummer fiction" maga
zines read like, they had been writ
ten by tho side 'of warm fires.
We would rather hear a man tell
a "fake" animal story than to see
him kill an animal in mere wan
toness. Every once in a while we meet a
man who has been ruined by suc
cess. And now and then we meet
a man who has won by failing.
If the wives of some workingmen
were paid time and a half for over
time after eight hours, the famijy
could tour Europe three times a
year.
The other day we read a novel
without a female character in It. The
novel was as insipid as sugared wa
ter and as dull as a schoolboy's jack
knife.
When we get rich enough to stay
up at night until we get good and
ready to go to bed, and can He abed
in the morning until we want to get
up, we are going to knock off work
and call it enough.
THE EARLIEST TELEGRAPHS
The telegraph Is only a natural
evolution. Long before Morse was
born the American Indians tele
graphed messages by means of the
smoke from a fire which was caused
to rise at certain intervals by means
of flapping a blanket.
The natives of central Africa like
wise havea telegraph system of their
own design. This consists of a num
ber of large drums which are beaten
with a heavy stick, and can be heard
for surprisingly long distances. These
drum signals are also used by the
Bakubas and in New Guinea. The
inhabitants thump away at their code
of messages on, these drums, and the
natives often spend hours, in con
versing with neighboring tribes
through the drum signals. Sunday
Magazine.
The
Angle
of a
Hoe
The blade of a Keen Kuttcr Hoe
has the right angle. If you strike
at a weed, you arc sure to cut it.
If you hill" a plant, it carries
m full load of earth each stroke
and does it nil in the easiest
position you can assume,
i Keen Kuttcr hand tools for the
farm Porks, Hoes, Rakes,
Scythes, etc., are fitted by model
and temper for great service and
long wear.
mm
wrm
bench tool are the best to be had.
The list includes Planes. Sawfl, Axes,
Hatchets, HAumers, Adzes, Augers,
DrawIue-kuivc8,Chlel3,Goufrc8,JJlU,
l)race,Glmlcts,Squarcs.Ucvelfl, Flies,
etc., besides every possible tool ana
cuUery for the household. Xoolc for
the trademark it guarantees quality.
I If not at your dealer's, write us.
"The Recollection of Quality Remains Lent
After th Trice Is Tortotten."Yt. C. Blraroons.
"" ' - Tr4raATk Registered.
SIMMONS 'HARDWARE CO. ln.,
St. Louis and New York, U. S. A.
100 FUMNY STORIES
Tho kind that make you forgot
trouble and worry overy one is a real
hearty laugh absolutely clean and
now gathered from tho drummer-
lodge room lecture and church. Mailed
on receipt of $1.00.
SPECIALTY SUPPLY CO.,
Dept. C. Commercial Tribune Bid?.
ClnclBBittl, Okie. -,
THE UNION CENTRAL
LIFE INSURANCE
COMPANY
of CINCINNATI, OHIO
7 '
ESTABLISHED IN 187
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Good Territory for Reliable Agents
Address Ike Company
Major General Thomas It. jRuger
died at Stamford, Conn. He was In
command in New York at the tims
of the draft riot.
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