t
A
ll
I
E
MABOH 22, 1907
The Commoner.
13
r
up I asked him to have a drlnfc. .
" 'No, I'm on the water wagon,' " he
said. . '
"I asked him how long he had been
on the vehicle, and after thinking for
a minute he replied:
f'Day after tomorrow will bo the
third day.'"
1000 Feet of DrainTfleERFF
SEa&? n- m.v-it;i-mm I nisi
Bf on a pottat to too that jon want to
drain Ttxirltml anil maka It wrWIr-i
and know about mr mm vntt wuicnwiu
bring more cash Into your pocktt tha
jrrar round. I'll toll too liowandifndmy
fu Caiak FKKE. Wilto today.
O. U.MIfUCLR, Frti Mlracla YtfU'l Stona
Co., WlWUdwSt. XlMMfoU.Ktan.
,-(
Dolce Far NIonto
tWhcn buds appear
Upon the trees,
Aiicfaoiitlicrn balm
Comes on the breeze,
I yearn to go
' With line And hook
-Where fishes grow
Within the brook.
When sunshine gleams
In sky of blue,
'And purling streams
Their way pursue,
It's hard to write
A single rhyme,
Or to indite
Great length of time. . ,
One longs to flee
Away from toil,
And stroll care free .
From fierce turmoil.
And when one must,
With tired face,
Pound away just
To fill space.
The short line scheme
You here espy
Will to you seem
The best to try.
You grind awhile-
With sober mien
But inward smile
As your machine
Grinds out the rhyme
' Like sausage meat
And .haste the time
When down the street
You take your way '
. "In f,warmt& 'br'sun' " "''
And say "Good day,
My work is done."
O wondrous plan "
This short line rhyme.
The real wiso man
Will all the time
Develop 'em
And get away
At 2 p. m.
'Most every day.
-
7t
back again to cool it off, undisturbed;
by the caller's yeheinerice.
"Well, said the man, impatiently,
'what's the use of the senate?"
" I have just shown you," was Lin
coln's answer, and once more the tea
was poured.
"The man looked puzzled. Then a
great light broke upon him. 'You
mean it enables public passion to cool
off?'
"The greatest of. American presi
dents nodded and drank his tea.
"That, then, is the function of the
house of lords."
. That's a pretty good story, but in
trying to palm it off as something new
Mr. Low convicts himself of being a
century behind the times. Mr. Lincoln
did not originate the simile, nor was
he the first one to use the comparison.
When the constitution makers met
more than a century ago, there was
fierce opposition to the plan of hav
ing two-houses of congress. Benjamin
Franklin advocated the dual congres
sional body, and it was Franklin who
used the cup and saucer .argument.
speaking of "new Lincoln stories,",.
there are none. All the new ones are
merely imitations of the real stories
that Lincoln told and poor ones, at
tuat.
V
.
,-,-
r
A Century Behind
Recently Maurice A. Low, the welP
known publicist, wrote what he called
o "new Lincoln story." It was to the
effect that a man rushed into Presi
dent Lincoln's office one day, and after
hotly denouncing the senate asked:
'What's the use of the senate, any
how?" Mr. Low continues:
"Mr. Lincoln was drinking a cup of
tea. In his homely fasnion he poured
the tea from the cup, to the saucer and
Our New Lexicographer
Graft What the other fellows earns
while we are thinking about going to
.work.
Justice Something the other fellow
ought to have but the thing we try to
avoid.
Highwayman The man who gets it
before you get started.
Standpatter The man who has got
it.
Philanthropist A man who gives
collars to men who have no shirts.
Charity A great homebody.
Liberality Giving away what you
have forcibly taken from others.
Endowment A college financed as
an anchor to windward.
EnterpriseGiving back the public
10 per cent of the 100 you make them
give you.
Osculatory .
A daring theft Jack wrought last night
On darling little Rose.
He stole uomc things he wnntedf-rignt
Beneath her very noser
Philadelphia Press.
"Pis to be hoped that if fair Rose
Returned -the blissful smack
Jack did "not overlook a bet,
But turned and kiBsed her back.
Houston Post.
That may be as they do this job
Down in the sunny south,
But if Jack lived here in the north
Hc kissed her on the mouth.
No Recommendation
"This is a very healthful food prep
aration. It Is guaranteed to add to
the consumer's weight"
"I don't want it," exclaimed the thin
customer. "We had to scrape the
paper off the walls of our flat in order
to have room enough to turn around."
MR. METCALFE'S BOOK
"OF SUCH IS
THE KINGDOM"
. And Other Stories from Life
NOW READY FOR DELIVERY
Chancellor Andrews, of the State Univer
sity, has written to Biohard L.. Metcalfe the
following note: "When I had read a chap
ter in 'Of Suoh Is the Kingdom,' I said:
'Here is a Jewell' Reading on and on I
chanced to: 'Here is a whole casket of jew
els ! ' The boolc is rich with fine thought and
tender and elevating sentiment. It will havo
a'host'of readers, none of whom will give it
up till be has read it through."
Ofoth hound printed from clear type on
heavy paper, gilt sido and back stamps. 200
pages. Sent prepaid pn receipt of $1.00.
Address
RICHARD L. METCALFE
1 Care The Commoner LINCOLN, NEBR.
The Worst
"Well, if another engineer hasn't
quit his canal job," exclaimed Mr.
Dusenberry, glancing up from his pa
per. Mrs. Dusenberry continued her darn
ing without looking up.
"I say, another canal engineer has
quit his job."
"Well, what of it?" queried Mrs.
Dusenberry.
'Great Scott, woman!" ' shouted
Dusenberry, "this is becoming a great
national scandal."
"I guess not, dear," said Mrs. Dus
enberry. "Another cook left us today,
but I'm getting so used to it that I
don't worry any more. And cooks are
scarcer than engineers."
A Long Dry Spell
Captain Charles Marple recently re
turned to Omaha after a long sojourn
In the Philippines. A friend, meeting
him on the street, and wishing to be
a good fellow, said:
"Let's go have something, Captain."
"No, thank you," said Captain Mar
ple. "I don't care for anything jutit
now" s ,
"On the water wagon?" queried the
friend,
"O, not exactly," replied Captain
Marple, "I'm a good deal like n friend
of mine in the army of the Philippines.
I saw him on a corner in Manila etrly
one morning, and he was looking
pretty seedy. Thinking to brace klm
Limerick
TLhere was a .young man in Wehawken
Who shirked all his work .to be
tawken;
Till at last the boss, tired,
The loquacious youth fired,
And now the young fellow Is wawken.
Brain Leaks
Conscience always gets in its work
after the guilt has been discovered.
A lot of men have failed to distin
guish between expediency and honesty.
A bird in the bush is better than two
on the Easter bonnet.
A square meal to one who needs It
is better than an investment In Easter
lilies.
Trouble always hesitates to tackle
the man who meets adversity with a
smile.
Wouldn't tills be a great old world
if people would do as we (say, not as
wo do?
When a man has plenty it is easy
to tell people what to do with what
they have.
The man who imagines that the
earth is an orange usually acquires
the lemon taste.
A whole lot of men who are demand
ing justice Insist on doing the measur
ing for themselves.
Ever notice how mad a man gets
when you try to get aboard the hobby
he is riding?
We are not wholly to blame for
making a mistake, but it is our fault
if we make the same mistake twice.
A man named Wallet Is running for
onlce In St. Louis. The wallet has
been in evidence entirely too much In
our political games.
"Eat whatever your -appetite
craves," says a Baltimore physician.
That's the kind of advice we like to
hear. But what about getting what
our appetite craves? -
A whole lot of men who are always
talking about their willingness to die
for their rights won't even take the
trouble to go to the polls and vote for
their rights.
HEAVES
Ruin Yotr Horse
Oupo Him TmdttY
SAFC-SUKC-rCRMANCrtT
91 J'akce cure ordinary caM.
I'ekRs;e run any cats or
money rfund4.
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POLLED JERSEYS Rich mllkltiff beauties
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A FIGHTING STATE
Whenever you scratch Kansas his
tory you find a fight.- "No territory of
equal size has had so much war over
so many different causes. Her storyK
in Indian fighting, gambler fighting,
outlaw fighting, town-site fighting and
political fighting is not approached by
any other portions of the west Out
lug Magazine.
Cj-PATENTS that PROTECT i
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W. W. VAN 8ANT & SONS,
Box 22. Farragut, la.
till
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Apples 4c, Peach Cc, Plums 12c,
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good bearers, grafted
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uoncora urnpes xc
Forest Tree Heed
llncrn 1 flO rto.r -.
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a coin-
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of VctroUibio.
Flower and
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GERMAN HUR8EIUE8,
85, iiATKIO, Neb.
Life and Speeches
of W. J. Bryan
Illustrated octavo. 465 pages, published In
1000, nothing later, nothing in print more
complete. A few copies, last of publisher's
stock at greatly reduced price. Substantially
bound in cloth, by mail, prepaid, 81.00 copy.
G. H. WALTERS, fiSEHiS:
"The World Its Ways"
BY
WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN
Recounts his trip around the world
and his visits to all nations. What ho
saw, said, and did. His conclusions.
The Greatest Book of Travel Ever Written
576 IMPERIAL OCTAVO PAGES
Over 200 superb engravings' froni"
actual photographs.
$2.00 in cloth binding."
$3.00 in half raordeco.
$4.00 in full morocco.
Postpaid to any address
United States. Order npw.
THE THOMPSON PUBLISHING
COMPANY.
St. Louis, Missouri.
.3
in the
Olto && "tUjgS frfri' - -4-ti iil-ttttggL
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