Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (March 8, 1907)
V "" ar - MARCH S, 1907 The Commoner. 13; -f sr. ; v. pi: j-,- 'L ' ' i ts fv John's Wealth Three hundred millions till he's worth? How poor John D. must feel! Just millions nothing else on earth, He misses much that's real. -Three hundred million ducats piled In one" large yellow stack 'And a digestion sadly riled, With stomach out of whack. Three hundred million "yellow boys" To do -with as may please, 'And yet he doesn't know the joj'S Of buttermilk and cheese. He's got the dollars in his clutch, But little good they do; lie cannot eat a jolly "Dutch Lunch" just like me and you. Just twenty million plunks a year, But they give no delight, He'd give 'em all to feel the cheer Of a good appetite. A hundred thousand plunks a day Now doesn't that sound grand? But John would give 'em all away To eat good "corned beef and." John has a palace rich and grand Amidst the New York .hills; I've got an humble cottage, and I toil to meet my bills. But my digestion's something fine, And appetite O. K., And I'd not trade these joys of mine For all John D.'s today. Satisfied There was a young man from the West With oodles of coin to invest , JIe, tackled, Wall street And it cleaned him complete 'And he hastened ba"ck home for a rest. Comparative Depth "I see that Australia claims to have the deepest gold mine in the world." "'Tis false. The deepest one is in the United States. It's so deep that tin money I dropped in it never made a sound when it hit the bottom." Natural Mistake "Wait a moment," said Bilkens, as, he and Wilkins were about to cross" the street. "Wait a moment and Jet that funeral procession pass." "That's no funeral procession," said Wilkins. "That's merely a procession of Panama canal engineers who have resigned and are on their way home to accept better jobs." The Cost "I see by a Chicago paper that it is estimated Chicago loses forty million dollars every year on account of the smoke nuisance." "I can easily believe it. In fact I know it." "How do you know it?" "By the smoke nuisance on the back platform of the trolley car. Just think what extra labor it costs the record ing angel every year." Different "What's this?" exclaimed Mr. Sraoothun as- his wife handed him a bit of paper. "That i the bill for my new Easter bonnet, dear," said 'Mrs. Smoothuu jwith a smile. "You don't mean to tell me that your Easter bonnet cost that amount!" Bhouted Sraoothun. "That's just the exact amount, dear." "Well, for goodness sake!" ex claimed the startled Smoothun. "I "never heard of an Easter bonnet cost lug that. Here's a check for it. Now' toll mo how you managed to get one so cheap." The above sounds good, but wo frankly admit that we had to draw heavily upon our imagination in order to produce it. ? ? ? ?? Now comes the fateful question That in my ears doth ring: "I wonder if that coal pile Will last me until spring?" An Apt Retort , Rev. Dr. Batten of Lincoln has many friends among all classes of people in his home city. The other day Dr. Bat ten came down town when the streets were a glare of ice, and met a friend who is not noted for his piely. The friend stepped to one side to let the reverend gentlemen pass, and as he did so his feet Hew out from under him and he came to the pavement with o crash. "Ah, 'the wicked stand, in slippery places,' " quoted Dr. Batten. The fallen friend looked up at the standing minister and instantly re torted: "I see they do, but b' gosh I can't." A Great Scheme The great manufacturer visited the famous astronomer, and throwing down a ten thousand dollar bill said: "I want you to devote a year or two to the work of ascertaining whether Mars is inhabited." "I will gladly undertake the task," said the astronomer. "And if you find that Mars is in habited I'll give you ten times that amount if you'll find some way of es tablishing travel between us." "That, I fear, will be impossible," said the astronomer. "Well, you prove 'that Mars is in habited and we'll do the rest." "Why, may I ask, are you so anx ious to establish travel between the two planets?" queried the man of stars and asteroids. "Just this," snapped the great man ufacturer. "We've got to find more children for our mills, and we've made up our minds to bust these labor unions, cost what it may. You get us into communication with Mars and we'll frame up a scheme to get her kids and ignorant men and women into our mills. Then, we'll be fixed on the labor question for another hun dred years." Short Interviews T.1ii T C.llt..,,., . iC1.... ill T-v tiwun j. ouwivjui. ouiii ljiik: uc. mollycoddle ain't got no business liy in See? It's t' do marble slab f'r de mollycoddle. What!" Joseph Gans: "What's de us o' dese bulgin' browed fellers? Dey don't cut no ice wit' nobody, nohow. W'nt sort o4 figger would one o' dom thoughtful mokes cut in a rough an' tumble? Huh!" James J. Jeffries: "Them molly coddles ain't got no excuse f'r livin'. I never seen one I couldn't put out with one punch. They're all right when it comes to writin' dope f'r th' scientific papers, but when it comes t' gittin' there in the rush game they're all to th' bad." Peter Sharkey: "I ain't got no more use for a mollycoddle than I have for book learnin'. I ain't never read no books that fixed me to stay a round longer. De man w'ot ain't got th' sand t' stand in th' ring and take what's comin' ain't got no right t'A kick. It's tcrth' boneyard f'r th' mol lycoddle." Bill W Blink: "De mollycoddle never made no success in my line.o' work. It takes noive t' climb porches an' git in t'rough do window w'ile Jc fam'ly is a eatin' dor chuck in do room below. De fust mollycoddle dat trie.l my line o' business would git pinched by a copper before he had shinned half way up do porch. I'm t'lnkln dat de mollycoddle is all to de bad In de game of life as she is played dose days." Yank the Yeggman: "We ain't never bothered by no molly coddles m our business. It takes too much noive f f'lulr n linln' .1 vnrr.r f 'f . irllt-H coddle t' even contemplate de woik. Ours is de strcnyous life, an' de molly coddle is elimcrnated before lie gets started, no may be all t' th' good in framin' up do lit'rary dope, but in life's activities lie is a dead one. W'ot?" An effort was made by our reporLM' to interview llalph Waldo Emerson, Henry W. Longfellow, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Edgar Allen Poe, William Cullen Bryant and others of their class, but the trance medium was out watch ing a football game the day before and was unable to get into communication. The preponderance of the evidence, however, so far as our repprter was able to bring it out, was against the mollycoddle. Brain Leaks Boys are improved by being treated as young gentlemen. When the streets arc awfully sleety a man begins to realize his age. The girl who does her duty by her mother seldom has time to act foolish. Always tell the truth, remembering that it is not necessary always to toll all the truth. If we could only finish our half completed jobs what a lot of work we would accomplish. The man who has Arrived is very prone to look down upon the man who is only on the way. Men who are never in a hurry and men who are always in a hurry sel dom accomplish much. When a man is ready to confess his ignorance he is almost ready to cross the threshold of knowledge. Only men of limited vocabulary find it necessary to resort to profanity in order to express their feelings. The older a man gets the more con vinced he is that the laundries use an inferior quality of starch in the col lars. napplness is largely a matter of comparison. We never appreciate the joy of an easy shoe until we put on a shoe that pinches a corn. We are looking for some illustrated paper that will show us the portraits of the champion housekeepers. We are tired of seeing the portraits of a lot of women of a different kind. ONLY ANIMAL THAT KISSES Why a salute of the lips, ordinarily known as a kiss, should be given such prominence in the literature and dra ma of the world, both biblical and his torical cannot lie solved by recourse lo any written authority; yet during all these years since the beginning of time tliis peculiar salutation does not appear to have lost in value, nor Is there any immediate prospect of Its so doing. What the playwright, the novelist, and the poet would do with out this peg upon which to hang a plot it would be difficult to say, and this applies especially to the play wrights, for dozens of familiar dra matic productions, several of which have graced the New York stage this season, have found their greatest fac tor, the wheel upon which the ma chinery of the scenes runs and the plot depends, in a kiss that of a man a?id a woman. In France only a half century ago a cofae of regulations by which the theatres of that country were gov erned provided that any actor kissing an actress without her consent, regard less of what the play might be, would be subject to"a fine of many francs. Leslie's Weekly fo 11 PATFNT5 4haf onnTrrT. uur.i dhii iot latenurrf ratlM sa rvrrlnmr Ana .l.xn. n.S.AA.B.LACEY,Wahlngton,D.C. Eatib. 1869. POLLED JERSEYS Rich milking bcnutlea, Bred for business. A fow young bulls for sale. Chah. S. Hatfield. Routo 4, Springfield, O. AGENTS PORTRAITS SGe, FRAME 1S, , , ' , ", "boot picture lc, teroor.opcJ5c. TCD rfmTlUlT., 209-24 rT.afeau HlTOiltSi vIowb le OOKSOLUMTOb EALTHY TREES TiMF Craned iinpItHr, huthlod peach 4c, budded cherry Itfi . Concord grapon 2 per 10! Ulnok LoeuBtfl per 1000. Complete colored eat. free. Galbriilh Nunexiea, Box 84 , Zaixbury, Nk. z& cXvJ I. rv- IvVV'-O vwrwoi haro a coin Apples lo, Poach 6c, I'lumn 12c, ChcrrlcH 15c. Boot quality Kpoa uemirtJ, grnried y 'fyr&rr ploto lino ttock, not M-cdllngtv ' Vegetable, Concord Gropes 2c. XtW Y o w i. ? n n . ForcatTrcoHecd.vv)' Farm Kwrtn. Our ""K" '"?. ln-rv.v'i.u, largo lllimrutcd cat- ax -. Jv 1,000 up. W piy "? ft 10 ! ulog free. rght GERMAN NURSERIES. rBox 85, BEATRICE, Neb. V Wo carry tho bent tyjKSB of icod corn grown, ivcry rarlcty, uniform Km In, large genn, carefully grown, well graded. Nocorn can Ik! hotter thnn Iowa corn. Writo for cat alog, Information, etc. W. W. VAN 8ANT & SONS, liny 22. Farrarzut. la. h aiai HEAVES Ruin Yotrr Horse GllFQ HSm Todmv SAFE SUnF pnyiNrur 5., Inubaga curei ordinary caicf. Qli J'ackoga cure any c&m or money refunded. POSTPAID on RECEIPT of PRICE AGENTS WANTED OKERAL HEAVE I1EMEDY CO. sc fourth Ave., ntUbunf, r. MINERAL HEAVE nEMEDV U WHITE JH TODAY JA for Fit EE Booklet The Loyal Guard Is a Pn.tr.IoMc Fraternul JJcricllclary So ciety, furnishing protection for Its mem bers tind their bcneilciurlcs. It accepts only representative people of high char acter and standing. Every reader of The Commoner Is In vited to send for particulars with refer ence to this standard fraternal society. Address, Edwin O.Wood, Supreme Corn., Flint, Michigan. itfiB3-r iH. f Pava Hi a m Freight H. M. JOHNSON CO.. 40, 60 or 90 Days' Trial on Old Trasty" Try chicken rattling on the John son plan. My peoplo are an en thuolantlc lot. Vu get the remilta. 2-year guarantee. Low price. Old Trinity Catalogue telln the whole Btory lt' KUKB write for i t today. CLAY CENTER. NEB. FOR AGENTS-AN OPPORTUNITY: "The World Its Ways" 1JY William Jennings Bryan tfw-NOW RKADY FOR SOLICITORS-ffft 57ff Imperial Octavo Paoes. Over 200 Superb En aratinas from photouraphs taken by Mr. Bryan. Recounts his trip around the world and his visits to all nations. The greatest hook of travel ever written. The people arc waiting for it. The agent's harvest. OUTFIT FREE-Send fifty cents to cover mailing and handling. The Thompson Publishing Co., St. Louis, Mo I THE DANGERS OF TRAVEL arc no greater than the dangers of every day life. Death from sickness and ac cident is coming every day to those who least expect It. Provide at once for your loved ones by Insuring in The Union Central Life Insurance Company "The Company that makes lite Largest Returns to the Policy-Holder." Assets $55,000,000 Established I 07 ADDRESS Union Central Life Ins. Co. Cincinnati, Ohio. jy - a..u, .'-thkK.ailiAtitijKVjfc &kaBrTMCh.&.., 4w -.S3R' i 1 -i. ill rf ' i i i tf mrmtf aid