Tip&lfrtfWFBS'jicW'
' ifANUARY 4, 1907
The Commoner.
13
With Apologies to Mr. Wadsworth
(Seven liars, according to Roose
velt: Bellamy Storer, Judge Alton B.
Parker, ex-Senator William E. Chand
ler, Henry M. Whitney, Herbert W.
Bowen, G. O. Shields, John P. Wallace.
From the New York World.)
I met a sad-faced diplomat,
He had been wronged, he said,
-He did not kndw where he was at,
And sadly shook his head.
He had been far across the sea
"..In highest fashion clad.
His name, methinks, was Bellamy,
And he was feeling bad.
"Brothers in misery, my good man,
How many may you be?"
"How many? Seven," he began,
And wondering looked at me.
"And where are they?" I queried then.,
He answered, "Seven in all.
A little coterie of men
Who one by one did fall.
"One dwells midst old New Hamp
shire's hills,
. And one in Boston town;
Three suffer in Manhattan's ills,
The rest are scattered roun'.
"The first to fall was Bowen Bert
" He scotched a Loomis trick,
And as result was sadly hurt
fc By 'one well known 'big stick.'
"Then Alton got it handed him,
And Whitney, too, by heck!
Then Chandler got a broken rim
And landed on his neck.
"Then John F. Wallace got his turn,
And Shields was next to fall.
Then I did same displeasure earn,
And that makes seven all."
"You say New Hampshire holdeth one
And New York two or three,
And others here and there. My son,
Pray tell, how can it be?"
Then did the man from o'er the sea
- Ope wide each tearful eye,
And looking long and hard at mo
. Make that same old reply:
"Seven, I said; all in one fix,"
'Twas thus the man replied.
"I am. the last; before me six,
" All charged with having lied."
"But you are scattered far," I cried;
"Among the down-out driven."
'Twas throwing words away for still
The sad-faced man would have his
will,
And said, "Nay, we are seven."
Too Swift
"Who was that gentleman in, the
big auto that you spoke to?" queried
M!rs Keenun.
"Why, that was Squillman. Didn't
you recognize him?"
"No, we were both going so fast I
didn't have time to see who it was.
But did you notice his wife? That
hat with the red feather and the blue
veiling didn't match at all that mauve
dress, trimmed with lace and made
with bjshop sleovesr And her gloves
were still another color, and the lace
on her collar was the very kind that
was offered to me at twelve cents a
yard at Miller's, and I know by the
way it set -that the skirt has been
turned, and for the life of me I can't
see how any womaiKcan find anything
pretty in the ldhdfjira jacket she was
wearingone of those double-breasted
cloth affairs with three rows of braid
down the front and' littlo pearl but
tons all over it. I'm sorry wo woro
going so fast I couldn't recognizo the
gentleman at the steering wheel."
Great Scheme
"That was a mean joke Snipperly
worked on his friends."
"What was it?"
"Told them all ho was going to
swear off smoking New Year's day,
and of course all of them thought it
would bo a good joke to send him
cigars."
"Well?"
"Well, Snipperly never had any in
tention of swearing off."
The Explanation
"I see that Mr. Rogers insists that
the oil trust is on the square."
"0, that's because it works so many
corners.'
The New Year
Welcome, New Year.
Might as well welcome you!
You'd come anyhow.
We've often noticed that
The more years that come
The less anxious we are to see them.
But
Welcome, New Year.
Here's hoping
That when you, too, go out,
Yourll find us all still here, ,
Better,
Wiser,
And therefore happier,
Because of your having come and
gone.
May you leave happiness in your wake.
May you bring hope to the hopeless,
Wisdom to the unwise,
Love to the unloved,
Justice to the oppressed,
Light to dark places,
And, speaking of justice, hero's hoping
That you bring it to a lot of men who
Are always talking about it and profit
ing personally
Because it is not meted out to them.
Here, too, is hoping,
All good things for all good people.
Welcome, New Year.
It Sometimes Happens
Men usually like to select their own
cigars, you know. But Mrs. Biggers
gave her husband a box of cigars for
a Christmas present, and selected
them because they were in a beauti
ful box with a handsome picture on
the lid.
Naturally you think that they were
what confirmed smokers call "stink-
aroos."
How easy It would bo to fool you
and say they were real cigars. But
truth Is mighty and will prevail.
They were "stinkaroos."
It often happens just that way.
About the meanest thing you can
say -of a man Is that "his wife selects
his clothes for him."
Mrs. Swaggers selected a half dozen
neckties and gave them to her hus
band Christmas. Usually some women
exhibit poor taste when they select
neckties for their husbands. But in
this case you are quite sure that Mrs.
Swaggers selected just the right kind.
However, she did not. They looked
frightful on Mr. Swaggers.
This Is generally the rule.
Mr. Summers played Santa Clans
at the church entertainment Christ
mas eve. He was bedecked with cot
fnn hattlncr and presented a fine op
portunity for the fire fiend. The tree
was lighted with candles, too. Mr.
Summers was flying around and ac
cidentally upset the tree and tho light
ed candles came in contact with hio
fancy dress.
It would havo boon awful but Mr.
Summers had taken tho precaution to
treat tho cotton with somo kind of a
chemical that mado it impervious to
flro.
But you don't often road about such
things.
Hionary.
ftm
w mm
We Hope the New Year Brings
To President Baer a realization that
ho has put tho wrong tag on his
trusteeship.
To Mr. Rockefeller a realization
that ho owes it all to complacent legis
lators and conveniently blind execu
tives. To Mr. ' Harrlman a suggestion ' of
the fact that after one man gets con
trol of all tho railroads it will be much
easier for Uncle Sam to step in and
make a deal.
To tho employers of child labor a
glimmer of conscience or a maximum
of punishment.
To tho promotors and would-be bene
ficiaries of tho ship subsidy a severe
disappoljment.
To all vT'o earners tho eight hour
day. XftS
To all ta'&ers, retribution.
To every cYJ. $vo.
To tho whoRnnfcjfn poace.
To everybody'- friends.
To PennsylvantioJWr,PwaenIn&
To Tom Johnso ' iUsaolution of
a few more injuncKT"
To the president, ii.
To tho Porto Ricanvv8"
To the Philippines, iffor
V"
Brain Leaks
Keop sweet.
It takes more than a plethoric purse
to make a man.
Still "standing pat" on those Now
Year's resolutions?
A broken pledge is better than no
effort at reformation.
The man who smiles in tho face
of disaster will soon see disaster's
back.
If the now year doesn't look good to
you it is a sign that there is fog on
your spectacles.
Life is like a cistern in one respect:
Tho more you put Into it the more
you can get out of it.
Satan soon loses interest In the man
who is striving earnestly and honestly
to help his fellowmen.
Last year was not wholly misspent
if you spend the coming year correct
ing the mistakes of last.
Men who imagine that they are not
getting all that is coming to them as
a rule ought to be thankful for It in
stead of complaining about it.
By the way, having read tho old
joke about tho preacher and his
Christmas slippers, did you ever know
a preacher to get slippers for a
Christmas present?
Wo don't know much about horses,
but somehow or other we always feel
glad that we are not the son of a
man who thinks It pretty to overcheck
his horses too high.
As a general thing the man who is
boasting today of how he swore off
last Tuesday will be explaining about
this time next week why he concluded
not to stick to it any longer.
Solomon never said a wiser or a
truer thing than this: "A merry heart
doeth good like a medicine, but a
broken spirit drieth the bones." That's
a good sentiment to print on a card
and hang up where you can see it
every day.
Mr. Carnegie has given Princeton
university an artificial lake so that
the students may organize a beat
club. A friend of ours whoso income
for a year just about equals that of
Mr. Carnegie for a minute, has given
three of four hungry men square
meals, and somehow or other we opine
that our friend has the best of it
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