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NOVEMBER 9, 190f
The Commoner.
"(ffSKWorliit
The Kicker
For years he kicked about the way
'Corruption had been reigning;
He swore that swiftly, day by day,
Bad government was gaining.
All .day, all night, asleep, awake,
.The evils he was noting;
Then made the usual mistake .
Forgot the need of voting.
Each day but one throughout the year
He howled for reformation;
Election day he'd disappear
,And cease his agitation.
He said wrongs made him sick at heart
And filled him with dejection;
And then he'd fail to do his part
By voting on election.
Anxious
Miss Pert :"You kiss like a man
wno has had a great deal of experi
ence." Mr., Blasey "How do you know?"
fChen the engagement ring was returned.
' The Solution
,11
fflfm afraid we can't settle this fence
question . without a law suit," said
Farmer i Kornsilk stu bbornly.
,'fl i reckon not, and I'm ready for it
any time you start,' retorted Farmer
Alfalfy.
.While ihey were talking Mrs. Korn
silk. and, Mrs,. Alfalfy were doing some
scheming.
ItyVe can fix .it without trouble," said
Mrjs. 'Kornsilk,- .,
1'Sure we can; and we've got to do
It," said Mrs. Alfalfy, "We can't have
the,, friendship of years spoiled by two
pigheaded old curmudgeons."
An hour later the telegraph operator
at jtho station was sending a message
to Washington asking that Secretary
Taft be sent to Ruggs' Corner to settle
a. great difficulty.
Times' Changes
The young man looked Into ' the
office of the Dajly Razooper," but
seemed loath to enter. ,
Finally he screwed his courage to
the'' sticking point, entered and ap
proached the "want ad window" with
evident embarrassment.
"What can i do for you, sir," said
the polite clerk.
7s this where you get notices in
the 'for sale or exchange' depart
ment?" whispered the young man.
"Yes, sir; five cents a word, three
Insertions," replied jthe clerk, shoving
a l)lank at the visitor.
jThe embarrassed young man took
the blank, stepped to the desk and
proceeded to get busy. For thirty
minutes he chewed the end of the
pencil, made words only to scratch
them -out, and shifted from one foot
to the other like a hen on a hot stove
lid. Finally he had it finished to his
partial satisfaction, and again ap
prdachlng the window he handed in
his copy, together with the requisite
amount of money. Then he hurriedly
fled: The clerk read the following:
i'Wahted, to Exchange A dress suit
' and opera hat, both as good as new,
for baby carriage. Address Q. D'., care
Daily Razooper.'
to say, my fellow countrymen, now
that the hot of smaklo has cleared
away and or I should say the smat of
bokle, er, um "
"Fellow countrymen," ho began
again, backing and filling in embar
rassment, the blushes of the confused
mantling his cheeks. "As r was about
to say, now that the smot of baklo
has cleared away I mean "
Grabbing the pitcher of Ice water
that stood near at hand the flustrated
orator poured a glass of water and
hurriedly gulped it down in huge and
strangling draughts. Then seizing
his tongue firmly in his strong right
hand to control it, while his left hand
pointed into the far away recesses of
the circumambient atmosphere he
shouted:
"My fellow citizens! Now, that the
smoke of battle has cleared away "
"Thank goodness!" shouted the
hysterical old lady in the corner. "He's
got that out of his system at last! "
.
After the Storm
My fellbwcltizens!" exclaimed the
orator at the ratification meeting heltj
the night after election to rejoice over
the hard' won ' victory. "My fellow
citizens, now that the boko of smattle
has' cleared away I mean sraak of
of bottle er, um ah. Asr I was about
Preaching and Practice
In a western city, overwhelmingl
republican in its political complexion,
and situate In a district with a heavy
republican majority, there are several
republican daily newspapers but no
democratic daily newspaper The lead
ing daily of the district, situate in the
largest city, has long been pretending
to be struggling for higher ideals in
the field of, journalism, for reform in
public and business life, and has been
loudly advocating the doctrine of the
"square deal."
During the campaign this daily news
paper fell into the habit of making
charges against those opposed to its
political policy, and then refusing
those whom it attacked an opportunity
to reply. But it did refer the parties
attacked to its business office, and
there it was agreed that the parties
attacked could have space in which to
reply providing the sum of 75 cents an
inch was paid.
A few years ago a Chicago editor
and publisher was sent to jail for com
pelling people to pay him large sums
to keep- certain articles out of his
paper. This shows what a foolish bus
iness man he was. He should have at
tacked those parties in his paper and
then compelled them to buy space in
which to make reply.
The incident referred to above opens
up a wide field for the display of "bus
iness talents" according to the mod
ern definition of that term. But there
are a lot of old-fashioned newspaper
men, and a lot of old-fashioned citizens
in other walks of life, who are inclined
to believe, in view of these things,
that it Is high time to revise the defi
nition of "blackmail," , .
THE AMERICAN DRUMMER
- The drummers of America represent
the highest order of labor as a class
oh the face of the earth today.
,They draw the largest salaries of
any class of hired men in America,, exr
cept the President of the United
States,
Senators and Congressmen draw
each $5,000 a year, and there are thou
sands of drummers who draw much
larger salaries than, they.
Some few railroad presidents draw
$50,000 annually, but they are stock
holders and not strictly speaking hired
men.
Some few bank presidents draw
$50,000 but they too, aro stockholders
and not hired men.
All the drummors combined draw
more money in salaries than all Uio
combined forces of any other class of
men undor the sun.
There aro 500,000 drummers In
America today and to put their avor
ago daily salaries at $1.00 per day,
which is a very low average, thoy are
paid $2,000,000 every day or $500,000,
000 every year.
All the Presidents of the United
States at $50,000 annual salaries would
only draw $5,000,000 in 100 years of
timeJust the Httlo pocket change that
the drummers of America draw in two
days and a half.
All the Congressmen and Senators
combined at $5,000 annually, only draw
$2,500,000 a year, or $250,000,000 in
every 100 years, just half what the
drummers draw in only one year.
If 50,000 bank presidents draw each
$5,000 annually, their combined sal
aries would only amount to $250,000,
000 only half what the drummers
draw In the same length of time.
We draw $500,000,000 salaries every
year and spend $500,000,000 more In
our expense account; circulate one
round billion dollars every year. Wo
pay to hotels $250,000,000 annually.
We pay to railroads $200,000,000 an
nually, and spend $50,000,000 for inci
dentals, rarely ever itemized.
We talk about a billion dollar Con
gress that means two sessions ap
propriations for two years. We spend
a billion every year and nover feel it.
Five hundred millions dollars Is sup
posed to run the United States govern
ment, with all her expenses, ample
eyery year, while we spend that much
every six months.
The gross earnings of every railroad
in America are put at $2,000,000,000
annually. The net earnings of 4 per
cent, amount to $80,000,000 profit. We
sell $9,000,000,000 every year which
represents our gross earnings for our
respective firm. At two per cent net
profit we would make our net earning
$1,800,000,000 $100,000,00 more at
two per cent than all the railroads
make at four per cent.
I can take the salaries of all the
drummers of the United States for
one year, combine it in one mighty
trust and make Morgan look like thirty
cents. I could take it and buy all the
railroad stock that the Vanderbilts,
Goulds and Hill could carry to save
their combined Interest and I could
buy Rockefeller and every coal oil can
in all the world. I believe I could take
it and imitate Mrs. Chadwlck with a
dozen millionaires on her notes.
The assessed wealth of America is
estimated at $80,000,000,000, and if we
sell $9,000,000,000 annually, then we
sell all the combined wealth of Amer
ica out, lock, stock and barrel every
nine years, and so to any one wishing
to invest with us in this mighty nine
years of the possibilities of the drum
mers at this ratio, we can guarantee
11 per cent pn the investment.
There are 200,000 miles of sin
gle railroad track In the United States,
and if it costs $25,000 a mile to build
it, and $25,000 a mile to equip it, the
value of all the railroads in America
equipped would be $10,000,000,000. I
can take the salaries and expense ac
counts of the travelling men of Amer
ica for one year and buy one-tenth in
terest in all the railroads and in ten
years to own them all at what they are
actually worth.
And we draw more salaries in Amer
ica as drummers annually, than the
standing army of the round, round
world costs in the same length of time.
We are the highest livers in the
world and the biggest money spenders
on the globe, because we live on the
best going and always buy the best we
can find.
We are the world builders and ball
rollers, and we are always busy.
HENRY D. CALHOUN,
Ex-President Georgia Division Travel
lers' Protection Association, Augus
ta, Ga. Member Council 312, United
Commercial Travellers. A
'..
rvVr JHkV
Scientific Rat Exterminator
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AD0RC8S DCPT. A
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LIFE AND SPEECHES
OF
W. J. BRYAN
Illustrated ootnvo, 405pnRCH, published In J0OO,
nothJDjf later, nothlnjr In mint more complete.
A few cop oh. last of publiHber'Kstoek ute cat
ty reduced price SubHtantiully bound In cloth
by mall, postuire prcpntd, 1 .00 per copy.
G. H. WALTERS
2245 Vine St., Lincoln, Nebraska.
Make Money HSf
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HENRY & S. G.
LINDEMAN
ON THE FRONT OF A PIANO
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Write for catalogue and name of
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HENRY & S. Q. LINDEMAN,
140th $t. and 5th Ave., New York
U. 8. A.
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