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The Commoner.
VOLUME 5, NUMBER
25
-" l,y-
12
5;
FAITH
Somehow, somewhere in God's good
time,
I know that on somo fairer shore,
Amidst bright field and fairer clime
I'll see my loved and lost onco more.
I do not know just how, or when;
I only feel content to wait
Till I am called to go and then,
With eyes alight, content with fate,
I'll lay mo down in peace to sleep
And know that God my soul will keep.
Somehow 'tis not for me to know
The plans of Him who guides my
ways.
Somewhere it is enough to go
Whore Ho the perfect pathway lays.
I shall not csk Him when or how,
But am content my faith doth tell
That in good time, if I but Low
To Him who dooth all things well
I'll sleep the sleep where troubles cease
And wake to live in perfect peace.
Somewhere and tis within God's ken
I know that I shall see those dear
Who smiled on me a while, and then
Passed on in spito of sob and tear.
Somehow, somewhere enough for :e
To know within my inmost heart
Onco more my loved and lost I'll see
And greet if I but do my part.
And knowing this I'll sink to sleep
Content that God my soul shall keep.
Disputed
The lecturer on physics and chem
istry bowed with dignity to the as
sembled audience and without prelim
inaries plunged into his subject.
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are
several fundamental and basic prin
ciples in chemistry which we should
bear in mind during all of our dis
courses and experiments. One of them
is that oil and water will not mix,
and"
"Ha ha, ha!" laughed a cadaverous
looking individual on a rear seat
"As I was saying," rosumed (he lec
turer, "thero is a fixed intolerance
manifested by oil and water towards
each other, therefore it is impossible
to make them mix into "
"Ha, ha ha!" broke out the harsh
cachinnation of the cadaverous individual.
"I hope I shall not be interrupted
again," said the lecturer, glaring over
his spectacles. "This Is a public lec
ture calculated to instruct the minds
of those present and "
"Then tell 'em the truth," shouted
the cadaverous individual.
"But I started out with an axiom
and-"
"Rats!" ejaculated the cadaverous
one. "Talk about oil and water not
mixing. Why, they very building you
are lecturing in was built by mixing
oil and water."
"How do you make that out, sir?"
queried the lecturer.
"It was built by J. Dierpont Mor
ganfeller, the oil king, and presented
to this university."
real good must have some elements
of truth in it and the average mother-in-law
joke usually lacks .it. Let a
cheap vaudeville actor perpetrate a
villainous joke about "mother-in-law"
and the thoughtless will laugh. Most
vaudeville actors who do use that, gag
do so because it is the only way they
can get a laugh.
Your mother-in-law! Now just stop
and think about it. Without her you
would have no loving wife. Who was
it that was right on deck when the
wife of your bosom went far down
into the dark valley and returned
with the littlo life that is more prec
ious to you than gold or jewels?
Who was it that came at your wife's
call for help and remained while you
were tossing and meaning in delerium,
and waited on you night and day while
your wife worked herself to a shadow
with the littlo ones?
To whom did you first fly when baby
had the croup? To whom did you rush
for relief when one of the little ones
woke up in the night with hot fever
and plaintive cries? And who was it
that always came post haste, knew
just what to do and did it without
making any fuss about it?
You know, and if" you don't quit
laughing at the brutal mother-in-law
jokes you deserve to have a mother-in-law
who is just as bad as the worst
of the jokes mako her out to be. The
man who wouldn't fight for his mother-in-law
as quick as he would for Ms
own mother doesn't deserve to be
blessed with the companionship of any
woman's daughter.
The Patriot
He woke on the morning of the
Fourth full of patriotic fervor, and
spent the whole day shooting fire
crackers, waving the flag and shout
ing for Uncle Sam, but
. He was too busy last election day to
go to the polls and his neglect allowed
the "gang" to ring in its minions.
The result was that the city was
fleeced and crime allowed to run riot.
He fired 250 blank cartiridges to
show how much he enjoyed the prec
ious boon of liberty, hut
He forgot to attend the primaries,
and as a result he was forced to swal
low candidates who were crooked in
order to maintain his party standing,
although he kept complaining about
"graft" for a year afterwards.
In the evening he set off a big
bunch of fireworks to show that he
was proud of his citizenship, but
He took no interest in politics be
cause it is so "dirty" and left thinirs
in the hands of thieving gangsters
who made politics a business.
What this country needs is an im
provement in its patriotism.
face is so familiar that I felt it my
duty to bow to him. Who can it be?"
"O, I remember now!"
"Well, who is it?"
"Why, that's the man who was cured,
of twenty-three diseases by taking
three barrels of Dr. Doseum's fluid ex
tract of plantain leaves.
Uncle Ezra
"Ain't it just awful the way they
are Icillin' each other over in Man
chury?" queried Aunt Mehitabel, peer
ing over her specs.
"I reckon so," replied Uncle Ezra,
looking up from the village newspaper.
"But until I git this list o' Fourth o'
July killed and wounded foot up I ain't
a goin' t' do much worryin' about th
killin' goin' on way over yonder."
Her Reason
"I don't see what you want to marry
Arthur DeWork for. He hasn't got a
cent except what he earns as a mere
tradesman."
"O, I'm pursuing Art for Art's sake,"
replied the demure maiden who had
not yet succumbed to the theory of
financial matrimony.
Eminently Successful
"Good morning, doctor. Did you
have a successful celebration in your
town?"
"Splendid! Eleven amputations, nine
serious burns and a dozen or more
cases of wrecked nerves."
Competent
"But do you think he will make a
competent executive officer?" -
"Competent! Well I should say so!
Why that man can wield a whitewash
brush with the best of them."
Perhaps
He tried to use his hoarded wealth.
The bulk of which was tainted,
For introduction to the right.
With which he's unacquainted.
Keep Sweet
If you would achieve success.
Keep sweet.
If you would escape distress.
Keep sweet.
Do nof hunt for troubled ways ;
On the bright -stars set your gaze;
And remember this always
Ke.ep sweet.
Would you make life bright and fair?
Keep sweet.
Would you meet joy everywhere?
Keep sweet.
Do not grumble, growl or frown;
Keep your angry passions down;
Cheerfulness is life's best crown
Keep sweet.
The Mother-lnLaw
Did you ever get tired of the mother-in-law
jokes going the rounds of the
press? Every pert paragraph in the
land has at some time or other had
his little fling at tlu mother-in-law,
una me numoer or joices real and al
leged, written about that good woman
would All the shelves of a fairly good
sized library.
But we are not getting awfully tired
of the jokes or alleged jokes that
placo the mother-in-law in the position
of being a sour, dyspeptic, selfish,
domlnoerlng creature. A joke to be
Union
"Ours shall be an Ideal union," mur
mured the happy groom.
"All right, dear," replied the strong
minded bride. "That means that
there shall bo no waiking delegate
around after working hours."
After studying over the matter for
a time the groom decided not to ask
for a night key.
His Business
"What business are you engaged
XI.
"I am in die irrigation business.'
"Thirst, stock or land?"
Familiar
"Who is that gentleman to whom
you just bowed?"
"Re&lly I can not tell you. But his
Brain Leaks
Earth's greatest heroes do not sleep
under towering monuments.
Variety is the spice of life, but too
much seasoning spoils the dish.
You can not tell a "smutty" story
without getting some of the soot on
your soul.
We can always do better work to
morrow If our memories of today are
pleasant ones.
The young man who thinks he knows
it all is just on the brink of acquiring
some 'knowledge.
Some men have rendered their best
service to their country in dying for
it others by living for it.
A cistern must bo filled before it
can be drawn from. So with life
those who put most into it get the
most out of it.
We know of nothing quite so sad as
an old maid trying to appear kittenish,
unless It is an old man who thinks he
is a ladykiller.
"Wisdom is good with an inherit
ance," says Proverbs. -And that re
minds us of the ever-present patriot
who is always shouting for the ol.i
flag and an appropriation.
Every time we hear a man express.
ing a willingness to die for his coun
try we long to ascertain if he listed
all of his property for taxation.
"GOING DOWN THE VALLEY"
The Commoner has received so
many requests for a copy of the soim
"Going Down The Valley" that the
same is hereinafter reproduced, it
is as follows, and is taken from "Pill.
more's Jewels," Fillmore Publishing
Co., Cincinnati, Co.:
We are going down the valley, one ly
one,
With our faces toward the setting of
the sun;
Down the" valley where the mournful
cypress grows,
Where the stream of death in silenco
onward flows.
We are going down the valley, one
by one,
When the labors of the weary day are
done;
One by one, the cares of earth forever
past,
We shall stand upon the river-brink
at last.
We are going down the valley, one
by one,
Human comrade you or I will there
have none,
But a tender hand will guide us lest
. we fall,
Christ is going down the valley with
us all.
Chorus: We are going down tho
valley,
Going down the valley,
Going toward the setting of the sun.
We are going down the valley,
Going down the valley,.
Going down the valley, one by one.
Jessie Brown Pounds.
When Dewey Cried
The following story of Admiral
Dewey is told by one of the sailors
who returned on the Raleigh and
printed by the Kansas City Journal.
Just before the battle of Manila, when
the order was given to strip for action,
the smallest powder boy on the flag
ship dropped his coat overboard. Ho
asked permission to jump after it, but
was refused. He went to the side of
the ship, dropped overboard, recov
ered his coat, and was promptly ar
rested for disobedience. Admiral
Dewey spoke kindly -to the youngster,
who broke down and said that tho
coat contained his mother's picture,
which he had just kissed, and he could
not bear to see it lost. Dewey's eyes
filled with tears. He fairly embraced
the boy and ordered him to be re
leased, saying: "Boys who. love their
mothers enough to risk their lives
for her picture cannot bo kept in irons
on this fleet."
To Get a Splinter Out of Your Hand
When a splinter has been driven
Into ttte hand it can be extracted by
steam. Fill a wide-mouthed bottlo
nearly full of hot water, place tho
Injured part over the mouth and press
it slightly. The action thus produced
will draw the flesh down, and in a
minute or two tho steam will extract
the splinter, also the inflammation.
Try it and be convinced. National
Magazine.
Republican Adv.ice
Loomis was guilty of grave incus
cretiori. So was Bowen. Loomis Kepi
quiet and his offense was condone".
Bowen raised a row and was fired ouw
Moral Saw wood and say nothing-
Kansas City Journal, Rep.
Stops
Chills
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