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The Commoner.
VOLUME 5, NUMBER 2
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DOROTHY
Two little blue llttlo eyes
Laughing and dancing with glee.
And the tresses that fly
As the breezes go by
Are giving sweet welcome to me.
Neat .little sweet little feet
Dancing and prancing with cheer,
And the angelic grace
Of the bright smiling face
Like vision of joy dotli appear.
Rod little spread little lips
Lisping a welcome to me,
And the prints of a kiss
From the lips of the miss
Bid worry and sorrow to flee.
Smile all the while, little girl.
Carry your message of light.
And the touch of your hands
Shall sever care's bands
And make all- my burdens grow
light.
blue, and rose red, and the clover
white?" queried the little rootlet.
Thick and fast came the questions,
and quickly the man shrank to in
finitesimal proportions. In a short
while the high hill was vacant save
for the rocks and shrubs, and the man
was grovelling in the valley.
The Woman
She belonged to a society for the
prevention of cruelty to animals, but
she made the poor dressmaker work
day and night to get her ball dress
ready on time, and then forgot to
pay the dressmaker for weeks and
weeks.
She belonged to the society for the
amelioration of .humankind, but she
was keen on" hunting bargains that
were made possible by the toil and
sufferings of her sisters in noisome
sweat shops.
She reprimanded the small boy that
-threw a stone at a cat, yet she drove
a team of horses with docked tails.
She wrote a beautiful article for
the local paper advocating the organi
zation of Audubon societies among the
boys and girls, then donned a hat
containing three stuffed birds and
gaily went to the editor's sanctum to
submit the article.
She was chairman of the committee
on social science at the club, and gave
servant girl a cheerless garret
my wife's three sisters on the pay
roll."
Independence Day
All hail the glorious Fourth of July
(Bang! There goes an eye.)
With flash of flag and noise of band
(Boom! There goes a hand.)
Our glorious Independence Day
(Crash! That took an arm away.)
We're free! We're free! Hip, hip, hur
rah! (Whang! That took a jaw.)
Let cannons roar and marshals
prance
(Call the ambulance.)
We licked the British In Seventy-six
(Gee! That gun kicks.)
And midst great nations took a place
(Took off half my face.)
Crash! Bang!! Roar!!!
July 4.
The List
"Good gracious, pa; what are you
doing with all that list of names?"
"Well, ma," said Uncle Standpat
Goodollar, "I'm just wrltin' down the
names of the good men that helped
me save the country from dishoner
an' repudiation in '96."
"An' who've you got there?" asked
ma.
"Well, I ain't nigh got the list com
pleted but here's the names of Hyde,
Alexander, Ryan, Rockefeller, Schwab,
Bigelow, Depew, Morton, Loomis,
Machen, and a lot of others. It's a
mighty big list of mighty big names,
ma: but the loneer I look at 'em t.ho
'.more I wonder if it was really so."
the
with broken and marred furniture.
She was prominent in her church
kensington and read a paper deploring
the fact that the poor do not attend
church more, and wnlle reading it
she wore silks and satins enough to
defray the living expenses of the
average workingman's family for six
months.
Something about the inconsistency
of the men might be added to this,
but space is too limited to make even
a start on that subject.
A Suggestion
"It appears to me," remarked Uncle
Simeon "that after the peace commis
sioners get through with that job at
Washington they might try to settlo
the differences between the stand
patters and the jlo-shelter fellows."
Brain Leaks
When jealousy sneaks in love slips
out.
Some people pray like they ask for
rebates. "
Cheerfulness is a flower that must
be cultivated.
Satan is always experimenting with
new bait for wary fish
The fruits of industry must be ir
rigated with perspiration.
The greatest heroes are those who
have spent their lives' for others.
When a man does his very 'best,
God will take care of the final result.
Men who build good characters
need never worry about their reputations.
The best parts or a vacation are
looking forward to it and looking back
wards at it.
The weeds of "trouble are too often
allowed to overrun the garden of
cheerfulness.
The worst failures we have ever
seen have been scored by men whom
the world has called successful.
They may be necessary, but some
how or other we can never have a
friendly feeling for dog catchers.
There are husbands whose ideal
woman is one who can retain her
good nature when the jelly refuses to
jell.
The business man who strives mere
ly to keep just inside the law is not
a safe man to trust with your busl
ness.
One trouble with most men is that
they think they could do another man's
work better than they ever do their
own.
SELECTED HUMOR
"How are you and Miss RockesWi,
getting along?" bU
"I'm hopelessly in doubt just now
When I called on her last night she
insisted on bringing out the chaffing
dish, and I don't know whether to
construe it as an act of friendline&s
or to conclude that she wanted to
put me down and out."- Chicago Rec
ord Herald.
Green Jones was run over b a
trolley car yesterday. They say he
cannot recover.
Brown Who said he couldn't re
cover, his doctor or his lawyer? Chi
cago Daily News.
Bosh I knew a man once who lul
never met with a disappointment in
his life.
Josh How was that?
Bosh He was never looking for
anything but trouble. Detroit Free
Press.
Nell Yes, the play is quite successful1.-
My friend, Miss Padden, made
considerable money out of it.
. Belle Did she write it?
Nell Goodness! No. She's a dress
maker and she made all the gowns
for the leading lady. Philadelphia
Public Ledger.
"You don't subscribe to the news
papers?" asked the visiting neighbor.
"No, answered the hostess, "we
know more than the newspapers can
tell. My husband is a" censustaker.' '
Washington 'Star.
"Shadbolt has a wonderful memory "
"Yes; such a memory as his is a
nuisance. Every time I meet him I
see he hasn't -forgotten the dollar
and a half I borrowed from him fhe
years ago." Chicago Tribune.
"The fight," said the reporter, "be
gan in a little alley down there. I
don't know the name of it."
"Call it 'Harmony court,'" said the
editor, "it's bound to be something like
that." Philadelphia Ledger.
Safe
The old-fashioned official of the cor
poration protested against the manner
of conducting the business.
"We are fracturincr the law and are
liable to be sent to jail," he said.
"Oj, get up-to-date!" exclaimed the
wise official. "No matter how crooked
we are, we won't go to jail. Remem
ber that the administration brings ac
tion against the corporation, and you
can't send a corporation to jail."
Being thus assured the old-fashioned
and behind-the-times official gave tacit
consent to the looting of the public.
An Essay on Man
The man stood upon a high hill, and
looking out over the wide expanse in
flated his chest, tilted his chin in the
air and exclaimed:
"Behold, I am it. I have solved all
things, and have dominion over all
things. To me nature has been com
pelled to reveal her innermost secrets",
and I"
"But can you make light without
heat?" queried the flre-fly that wont
sailing by.
"And can you soar aloft without per
ceptible motion?" queried the buzzard.
"And can you tell me why wo mi
grate?" queried the bird.
' "You call me electricity," said the
lightning flash, "but can you tell what
I am?"
"Why is the grass green, and violet
Procrastination
"I wonder why I am not recognized,"
complained the seceded country of
Norway.
"Huh, you didn't know enough to
send a canal concession on ahead as
advance agent," sneered the Panama
representative.
Realizing the fatal mistake made at
the start, the seceded section sorrow
fully turned on its heel and departed
tearfully.
Successful
"How is your new corporation com
ing on?"
"Fine."
"Declared any dlvldeuds yet?"
"No; but things are going so well
that I've got three sons, four daugh
ters, seven nephews, five nieces and
The waltless barber shop would de
prive a lot of men of an excuse for
staying down town late on Saturday
night.
The man who is always looking for
the smooth road has no reason- to
complain if other men drive first to
the goal of success.
The workman who makes it a prin
ciple to take an interest in his work
sooner or later has the principal in
terest in the product.
Sacrifice does not consist in giving
away something you do not want, nor
in refraining from doing something
you do not want to do.
i
It is a sad commentary on our boast
ed civilization that the newspapers
think it necessary to print columns
about a public official who is trying
to expose graft.
The fellow who wins is the fellow
who hustles out and gets a job. The
fellow who is always hancine: on bv
liis eyebrows is the fellow who ."ac
cepts a situation."
The old patriarch declared, "I said
in my haste all men are liars," and
wo have often wondered what else
he would have said if he had not
been pressed for time.
An English court has decided that
no man Is a gentleman who earns his
living. We have gentlemen, then, at
both ends of American society. Those
at one end we call "tramps;" those
at the other end call themselves "the
400."
Mrs. Crawford Why "don't your hus
band buy you an auto?
Mrs. Crabshaw He says he can run
into debt fast enough now without
employing machinery. Puck.
"Do you resent these investiga
tions?" "I should say I do!" 'answered the
trust magnate. "Why, they are taking
up my time and putting me to almost
as much inconvenience as if I were
a member of the grand jury." Wash
ington Star.
Crockett and the Mules
When Davy Crockett sat in the na
tional' legislature as a representative
of the state of Texas he had many
clashes witli men of more education,
hut less wit than himself. It is told
of him that one day .while standing
in front of his hotel on Pennsylvania
avenue, a drove of mules trotted by
under the custody of an overseer
from one of the stock farms in Vir
ginia. A congressman from Boston,
who was standing near by, attracted
Crockett's attention to the unusual
sight, saying:
"Hello there, Crockett; here's a lot
of your constituents on parade.
Where are they going?"
The celebrated hunter looked at the
animals with a quizzical glance, and
then turning to the other said qtiietlj.
but with great emphasis. "They are
going to Massachusetts to teach
school." Harper's "Weekly.
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