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10
The Commoner.
VOLUME 4, NUMBER 50
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Now YoRtfs Dtxy
New Year's day is "swear off" day,
And 0. that some would do it.
'Twould bo so fine, O brother mine,
And Wo would never rue it.
If Standard Oil would give up spoil
And Steel would drop its grafting,
We'd shout with glee from sea to sea
And bursL our buttons laughing. '
If Baer would swear to treat us fair
And not with greed pursue us;
If trusts in wheat and sugar sweet
Would both no longer do us;
If ail would say that from this day
'Twould be their chief endeavor
To treat us white, we'd all delight
And give them praise forever.
If trust- in shoes would now refuso ft
To squeeze us on the prices;
If trust in meat should now repeat
"We'll ask but decent prices."
If these would swear to treat us square
Through Nineteen-flve, and after.
(We'll all rejoice in loudest voico
Until we shook each rafter.
If trusts today would each one say,
"Wo'll gouere vou folk no longer.
For bo it known our love has grown
Each passing day much stronger,"
I here repeat if these words greet
Our ears this New JlYear weather,
We'd all arise in great surprise,
. And then drop dead together.
Too Expensive
"Hello, Allison! Is it true that you
are going to get married?
"Not much! I can't afford it."
"But you draw a good salary."
"Yes. But women spend so much
these days : couldn't stand the pace.
It costs too much to clothe them in
the latest fashion."
With which remark Billson lighted
a 10-cent cigar, paid for two rounds oi
drinks and proceeded to lose seven
straight games of billiards.
Hocrd Luck
"Our postal service Is becoming ab
solutely vile."
1 "Why, I thought it was all right."
"Well, it isn't. I swore off smoking
New Year's day, and the next day I
received a fine meershaum pipe from a
friend down east. He had Bent it b:
mail and it went astray and was gone
. more than a week."
A Groixt Scheme
Just before Christmas Waggs was
flead broke and as blue a3 an indigo
bag. When a fellow is broke, out of
a job and a long ways from home it
is not at all strange that he should
feel blue. And "Waggs was awfully
blue because he was broke, jobless
and an awfully long distance from
home.
He planned by the hour how to make
a stake, only to discard each plan al
most as soon a3 It suggested itself to
his mind. Just when he was about to
give up in despair a brilliant thought
struck him. He proceeded to put it
into execution, and now Waggs is roll
ing in riches and a thousand people
have been made happier.
The plan was simple enough, and
the wonder is that it had never been
worked before.
As soon as hi3 plan was fully evolved
Waggs rushed to a printing office and
had several -thousand neat circulars
printed. Taking a city directory he
sought the names of several hundred
triends and acquaintances, and each
one received a circular. It was headed
"A Christmas Exchange," and the
body of the circular explained the
scheme. Briefly it stated that people
often received duplicate Chri3tmas
presents, and that while a man often
received a half-dozen things he di'dn t
want he didHnot" receive some one thing
that he really needed. The idea was
to have an exchange of the duplicates,
strict secrecy being assured. All that
needed to be done was for a man to
tell what he had that ho didn't want
and name something he wanted that
he didn't have. Waggs was. to make
the exchange, exacting a small com
mission from each party to the ex
change For a week after Christmas ho
worked twenty-four hours a day, and
even then had to employ a number of
assistants. Denby, who wore a full'
beard, traded off a handsome shaving
set sent by a distant friend, for a dress
suit shield sent to Billby, who wouldn't
wear a clawhammer coat under any
circumstances. Mra. Flutterly swapped
a duplicate bridge whist outfit for a
jardineire received by Mrs. Willowby,
who had so many already that she
had to keep some in the cellar. Smith
son, who abhorred tobacco, swapped a
smoking set for a set of Thackery re
ceived by Thompson, who detested
anything in the reading line outside of
the daily newspapers and the maga
zines. t
Men who had received copious quan
tities of pretty little embroidered do
dads that they didn't know how to
uso .traded them off for card sets,
smoking sets and fountain pens re
ceived by dainty boys who wanted to
litter up their dressing rooms with
pink ribboned things. And every time
a trade was made Waggs drew down a
liberal commission for his trouble.
Wagg3 made enough out of the
scheme to keep him in comfort until
another Christhias. His scheme is not
patented, and as it confers a blessing
on puzzled humanity there is seeming
ly no reason why it should not be
Worked in every city and town in the
country.
Bostorvesquo
"Did Santa Claus bring you every
thing you wanted, Johnnie?"
"I asure you, madame," replied John
Beaconsfield Hill, etat 8, of Back, Bay,
Boston, "that I expressed no wish as
to what the mythical personage, Santa
Claus, should deposit in my hosiery, be
cause of the fact that I am quite well
aware without any equivocation that
S'anta Claus exists only in the imagi
nations of the mentally deformed, and
the idea of suspending any article of
my wearing apparel for the purpose of
having it used as a receptacle for tok
ens of affection is repugnant to one
who 13 deeply Interested in the study
of disease germs and microbes, to say
nothing of "
But the inquirer had fainted away.
Unanimous
''Everything Is getting higher these
days," complained Snubbly.
"That's right," replied Jaggsly. "I
found the bottom of my coal house
awfully close to the top this morning."
Wish they Would
Among those whom wo wish would,
swear off on New Year's day are:
The fellow who thinks it funny to
tie huge placards to the trunks of a
newly marrlod couple.
The fellow who says rude things un
der the impression that ho is blunt and
plain spoken.
The woman who spreads her skirts
out over onbngh street car space to
keep three meo men standing for
thirty-seven blocks.
The youth who thinks you wonder
how he can inhale so much cigarette
smoko all at once.
The clerk, who, after ho gets your
money and hands out your package,
says "thank you" in a tired tone of
voice.
The merchants who litter up your
front porch with cheap dodgers in
these days of good newspapers.
The men who think that being a
"good fellow" consists in depriving
his family of comforts in order to
keep up a show of liberality down
town.
The man who thinks that checking a
horse's head up until Its nose sticks
straight out in front adds to the ap
pearance of the animal.
The young lady who has to be coaxed
for an "hour ,to play and then keeps it
up indefinitely after she gets started.
The maker of the railroad time cards
who thinks that it is his duty to make
his tables as difficult of interpretation
as possible.
Brain Leaks
Trying and failing is better than
never trying.
Things that come easy are usually
the hardest . to keep.
Money builds the house, but it is love
that makes the home.
i . -Mi
It is better to resolve and fail than;
never to resolve at all.
You get closer to God by drawing
nearer to your neighbor.
There is a vast difference between
"swearing off" and remaining off.
If good resolutions were bread and
butter there would be an end to hun
ger. The man with the least money can
usually see the best places to make an
investment.
There is one good thing about build
ing air castle3 it keeps the builder
looking up instead of down.
S'omehow or other the sermonette
smothered in a concert never appealed
to us on a Sunday morning.
Some people spend so much time
telling how good they are that they
have no time to show how good they
are.
Some people who hasten to "lay their
burdens on the Lord" are awfully
slow in givins Him credit for their
joys.
It is hard to make the average
housewife believe that there is any
greater business calamity than a cake
falling.
t A man begins -to get some idea of
now his wife works when he under
takes to dress the children in the
morning.
Was there ever play so enjoyable as
the hard work done while preparing
the presents for the little ones on
Christmas morning?
W hope to live long enough to see
the day when the amateur elocution
ists will no longer recite "How" Jtuby
-played." It's a worse che3tnut than
"Curfew shall not ring tonight."
Backing Silver with Gold
Mr. Roosevelt recommends a
vision. or law making the silver, dollar
redeemable in gold, yet Mr. Roose
velt is seeking to avoid the mistakes
pro
of tha Clevnlanrt ,!.,. ..
the
lhlo
If congress shall carry n
wHnw ,l tt. i ., 7V' OUt tile SUP.
gC3tion, and it is highly nronnM ?Sg
it will, the basis fofXP6SionhaJ
a new endless chain win i !r?"on t
tablished. ttVO uee& es-
Assume that a Belmont syndics
such as operated durinc th ni , '
administration, deS ? ffij
treasury of gold and force bond teauw
to keep up the treasury reserv f 5
gold. The syndicate would con olth
gold. The syndicate would control u
silver dollars-a comparatively easv
accomplishment, since the averaS
man prefers the paper dollar to t
silver dol ar-and present these mil!
ions of silver dollars for redemption
in gold. There are, in round num
bers, about 60,000,000 silver dollars in
circulation, The minimum of the cold
reserve is 100 million dollars. By se
curing possession of one-fifth of tha
total of silver dollars, the syndicate
could deplete the reserve, force a bond
issue, and with a willing president put
the infamous endless chain in opera
tion. And when the endless chain was well
in operation and the public alarmed at
the depletion of the gold reserve, there
would naturally spring up a demand
to head off the operation of the chain
by stopping the coinage of the silver
dollar. The plan of the bond syndi
cate manipulators and the money
barons to get complete control of the
money is well known and any person
with fair understanding of the issue
of money monopoly is prepared to an
ticipate every move on the checker
board of financial legislation.
The president furthermore suggests
the retirement of the greenbacks and
an Indefinite means of imparting elas
ticity to our currency. What ho has
in mind Is the Shaw scheme of an as
set currency to make municipal, state
and possibly railroad and who knows
but that some day industrial, bonds as
a basis of issue.
Tho president does not understand
the money question or he would not
become a party to the scheme of the
rich clique which loves the dollar more
than colmtry. Mr. Roosevelt never has
supplied any evidence of his capac
ity to direct or suggest wise financial
legislation. Dubuque Telegraph.
Football Brains
A Chicago dispatch to the Kansas
City Journal says: "Football play
ers, according to Jere Delaney, trainer
of the Northwestern eleven, are sub
ject to an ailment similar to soften
ing of the brain, which leads not only
to tho making of peculiar statements,
but causes strange actions which some
times are amusing.
The exact cause of .the trouble,
Trainer Delaney said, he is unable
to fathom. He' declared, however,
that it results, more from the long con
tinued physical and nervoii3 strain to
which tho men are subjected during tho
three, months of rigid training which
they are forced to undergo than from
the blows, kicks and bumps they re
ceive on their skulls during games.
"It is known," said Delaney, "that
every player of the game fights his
games over again in his dreams, but
only by the men who are In close
touch with the playera it is recog
nised that they are given to constant
dreaming, during which they mauo
strange motions, as if struggling wiw
an imaginary opponent."
According to Delanoy, the ath otes
are given to almost childish methoas
of play when at rest. An Instance rt
lated by the trainer was of a nanwu
during more than hour Pored,w
map of the United States, drawing
lines with his index finger and inwb
ininghe was traveling over the couu
try which his finger crossed.
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