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The Commoner.
VOLUME 4, NUMBER '
r.
Figuring the Profits
They figure the cost in dollars and
cents
And balance the books with profits
galore.
.They figure the balance of the trade
immense
As steamers ply to the island's shore.
But what of the blood of the widow's
son
Shed over the waves of the ocean
Wide?
Can dollars and cents and profits im
, mense
Give back to the mother the son who
i died?
He sailed "away 'neath his country'd
flag
And his heart beat high with a
' patriot's Arc. . .
When duty gave orders he did .not lag,
But marched and fought in the
swam? and mire.
Then greed and lust for an empire's
gain
Wrought changes quick in the flag's
intent.
And the soldier brave fills a foreign
grave
That greed may garner its cent per
cent. .
They balance the books for a sol-
dier's life
Is measured by profits on new found
trade. -
The mother who gave her son to the
strife
Is told to rejoice at the profits made.
And the old flag floats o'er the broad
blue sea
Above the heads of a subject race;
And they say the stain is hidden by
Ing the street car you have already
caught?"
Proud .
Sauntering along the Stygian shores
Alexander mused. Suddenly he met
Napoleon, who happened to bo in
clined towards musing himself upon
that especial occasion.
"Nap," said Alex, "we have been
charged with many grave things dur
ing the years that have elapsed since
we journeyed to these shores'
"Indeed we have, and my feelings
are often hurt thereby."
"0, cheer up, Napoleon, old boy,"
exclaimed Alexander, giving the Lit
tle Corporal a hearty slap on the back.
"We have been spared one charge."
"Indeed, and what is that?"
"Why, up to date we have never
been accused of prosecuting our cam
paigns with benevolent intent."
The smile that lit up the face of Na
poleon fairly illumined the Stygian
shades and made old Charon wonder
if a warship's searchlight had spotted
him.
eye the advent of the automobile.
Certainly royalty would not be yell
ing for a horse unless the machine had
broken down.
The Day After
Now that the grimy battle smoke
Is clearing fast away,
And totals found the country 'round
Cast on election day;
'Twere well we wasted not our timo
In watching smoke clouds roll,
But spend the days in finding ways
And means the heavy price- to raise -
Of one small ton of coal.
We're proud of duty .nobly done
When at the ballotbox.
And feel quite proud that we're al
lowed To vote in squads and flocks.
But bear in mind that winter's here
And much is to be done.
For anthracite has taken flight
Until the price is out of sight
And is twelve plunks per ton.
stead of by their handshakes.
The man who meets no opposition
usually pursues a dead level existence.
Some people are so proud of theic
ancestry that they never 'exert them,
selves to benefit posterity.
The man who prepares for death
wastes his time; the man who per
pares to live is wise indeed.
Some men will seek patiently for an
excuse to co wrong when the reason
for doing right is in plain sight.
We are always very apt to think
him a good conversationalist who pa
tiently listens to all we have to say.
You have good reason to doubt tho
patriotism of the man who asks, "Will
it pay?" instead of asking, "is It
right?"
Mixed
"Ladies and gentlemen," began the
orator at the ratification meeting,
"now that tho boke of smattle has I
mean, now that the smak of bottle
has
"No that is not what I mean' said
the orator desperately. "What I mean
is, now that tho smat' of bokle has
no, not that' he stammered, wiping
his perspiring brow. Backing up he
took a fresh start.
"Ladies and gentlemen, now that
the bat of smokle has cleared hem!
atn I J.NUYV L1JLUL lUO BUUUl, Ui. UcUUU WUilt X
And the profits will- balanoe the mean to1say' la(Ies and jpntlemen. is
Another Quotation
"Do you love to hear poetical quo
tations," murmured Miss Aluchmon
into the willing- ear of Lord Lookin
round. "I much prefer Bradstreet's or that
is. Miss Muchmon, I love quotations
dearly."
Those Deer Girls
"That awful Charley Brown kissed
me in the dark hall last night."
"You need not have wasted time ex
plaining that the hall was dark."
flag's disgrace.
They measure the flag by dollars and
ceniu; 7 i
They offer the boys on the field for
gain.
The bloodshed wrought gives them no
offense.
For, their profits roll in the empire's
train.
The widow's son sleeps his long, last
sleep
In a far-off land, but she should -not
m sigh,
for the "books" are square and the
pages fair
Will show that the profits are
mounting high.
that we have achieved a great victory
of which we should be justly proud."
And during the tumultuous applause
which followed the orator took his
seat.
Mythology
When Ulysses came home ho found
Helen absent, and being hungry he
set about getting supper. Before the
coffee boiled the potatoes were burned,
and then the steak was not ready for
the broiler.
"Well, this is a horse on me," mut
tered Ulysses, viewing the rains.
It was in this wise that we ascer
tained that there was more than one
horse in the days of the Trojans.
Th Reason
Prior to election day DeToil never
met the Honorable Thomas McGraft
without receiving a 'smile and a warm
handshake. The Honorable McGraft
could put all kinds of fervor into a
handshake.
AIL this, of course, made DoToJi feel
that he was quite a ngm-e In 'politics,
and he grew very chesty.
Tho day after election, when the
count showed the- Honorable Mr. Mc
Graft to have been elected, DoToll
met the successful candidate and re
ceived only a curt nod of recognition.
"Why is this?" cried DeToil. "Day
before yesterday and the days before
that, you always stopped, shook my
haad and gave me cordial greeting.
Today you pass me by with hardly any
recognition."
. "My dear sir," said the Honorable
Mr. McGraft in chilly tones, "did, ypu
over ponder on the foolishness of chas-
A Pupa Goose Rhyme
Christmas Is coming.
The trusts are waxing fat; .
Please drop your money
In the trusts' big hat. . '
Slight as well give everything
And have the business through,
Trusts have got things as they will
And can do you.
The Dlfferonoe
"Sayr Wiggsley said Biggloy, look
ing up; "what's the; difference between
a dinner and a 'table d'hote'?"
"About a dollar and a quarter' re
plied Wiggsley, who was fingering hs
last two-bit piece.
Brain Leaks
Honest effort is never a failure.,,
Envy is a. disease of small . minds.
Apathy always succumbs to opposi
tion. ' ' ' .""v... - ff.
No man fails .who tries his level
best .,
Doubt stops at the f.oor of the heart
full of faith.
When honest men fall out rogues
get In their work.
The apologfes of some men sound
wonderfully like brag.
The worst slaves of habit usually
boast of their chains.
It Is a thick skinned man who will
not flinch at the truth.
Politics will become clean when
clean men do, their duty.
- Money may buy a place to live, but
It takes love to, make a home.
Jealousy is always looking for some
thing it does not want to find.
Poverty i& no digrace If it Is
through, no fault of your own.
A man who.has tfothing but money is
to be pitied by even the pauper.
The man who enjoys his work
wastes no time looking at the clock.
The wife of the "good fellow" is
entitled to the credit as well as sym
pathy. A man-never really begins to learn
until he is ready to admit that he does
not know.
We would all be reformers If we
could accomplish our favorite reforms
in a minute.
A VQte cast for principle is never
lost, even though it be the orily one
in tho ballotbox. - ,
We waste time when we ask trie
Lord to do something that ws are
able to dp ourselves, v
An Irishman's Suicide
"Do you know of the only Irishman
who ever committed suicide?" asked
W. B. Pollard, of Jersey City, who
was at the Fifth Avenue hotel last
night, says the Louisville Courier
Journal. "You know it is said that
irishmen never commit suicide, and
when the argument was advanced in
a crowd of that nationality he was so
unstrung that he decided to show his
opponents that Irishmen do sometimes
commit a rash act. He accordingly
disappeared, and the man who em
ployed him started a search. When
he got to the barn he looked up toward
the rafters and saw his man hanging
with a rope around his waist.
"'What are you up to, Pat?' ho
asked.
" OI'm hanging meself, begobs,' tho
Irishman replied.
" ' Why don't you put it around your
neck?' '
" 'li'aitn, Oi did, .but ,01 couldn't
braythe,' was the unsmiling reply of
the man from, the Emerald Isle.''
Shakos perean L
"A horse! A hdrse! My kingdom
for a horse!" shouted Richard.
"Wonderful man, that Shakespeare. "We'll never get real reforms ihM
7 Z OUKa V nturles th country imUl-voteVs judge candidStS
Ifiituw ho could see with his mind'sy their 'mental and moral MitRi-
Sightless sLnd Speoohloss
William A.' Pinker ton tells of an
old-time confidence man who used to
do business In Chicago. He was anx
ious to work unmolested around a de
pot where a special officer Was en
gaged to protect the unwary. Tha
crook o"ne day walked up benmu mo
officer whom he knew pretty wen, ana
suddenly reached around and put his
hands over the officer's eyes.
"Can you see anything now?" asked
the "con" man.
"Not a thing," said the other, as he
raised his hands. The crook removed
his hands and a ?20 gold piece fell into
each of the officer's hands.
The crook walked away laughing,
but the officer followed. "Say," he re
marked, "if you put one of those into
my mouth I could not even speak.
New York Times.
2sy Job
W. W. Jacobs, the English humor
ist, relates the following story: i
was looking at a butcher shops dis
play, when the butcher came out ana
said to an old man:
" 'Henry,, I want you.'
'What do you want?' the old man
asked. .
" 'Why,' said the butcher, Til W
you a shilling and a Joint of meat u
you'll kill all the flies in my shop.
" 4A11 right, said the old man. Give
me the shilling "first and the meac
afterward-' M17-
,"The butcher handed out the shin
ing. Then the pld man asked for a
stick about a yard long. This was
brought him. He grasped it nnmy
went to the dporway and said; f n
" 'Now turn 'em out one at a time.
Philadelphia Ledger.
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