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Tiie Commoner
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VOLUME 4, NUMBER 3t
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lISRIS
A SHORT SERIES OF LITTLE FABLES
THE UNION MAN.
The Union Man was always en
thusiastic when it came to a matter
of talking about the ''Closed Shop"
and tho necessity of marching, in Solid
Phalanx on Labor Day.
"We should lose no Opportunity to
Show our Strength," romarked the
Union Man many times and oft, "It
is only by Standing Together that we
are enabled to got what is coraiiig to
us."
Thus tho Union Man orated on every
conceivable occasion, and ho man
aged to accumulate quite a Following.
On "Labor Day 'ho wore a red sash
about his Person and rode a horse that
Pricked up Its- Ears every time the
Tuba Ijlayor blew a Loud Blast But on
Election Day, this Labor Leadej; was
nowhere;, to be found.
'How do you expect to Accomplish
a .great work merely by orating?"
queried tho Inquisitive Individual.
But the Union Man was so busy
framing up plans for next Labor Day
that ho had no time to consider ni
olection to office of men who would as
sist in framing Jaws in the interests of
Labor. As a result the other fellows
stood around on Labor Day and
cheered the Marching Columns, but
on all other days of the year spent
their time Framing, up Jobs to push
through on Election day while the
Union Man was Neglecting his Civic
. Duty,
Moral: Labor's best Parade will be
towards, the Ballot .Box.
THE REFORMER.
When the Reformer started out he
was given considerable Encourage
ment by the Rank and File, but no
sooner had he. made manifest the fact
that he was in Earnest than men be
gan Shying Off and. viewing him with
Suspicion.
"We know he states Truth," re
marked the Multitude, "but we fear
jthat he has "an Ulterior Motive,"
Thus, while the Reformer thundered
against wrong the Multitude preferred
enduring it to assisting in tho work
of eradicating it.
"We are not getting our share of
Prosperity said the Multitude, "but
what we are getting is better than
What we would be getting if we were
getting nothing at'all."'
By this process of reasoning the
Multitude managed to remain in a
position where the Few could swat its
collective neck.
The Rerformer thundered against
wroug' during his life, and accumu
lated nothing but jibe3 and jeers.
.When he died the Multitude heaped
flowers upon his coffin and Wept tears
that were Bitter.
Moral: It Is easier to buy flowers
than it is to hustle for soil in which
to grow them.
THE UNGRATEFUL VIPER.
Qnce upon a time a Traveler Aboard
upon -a cold and stormy- night, stum
bled, upon . an Infant Industry lying
benumbed and Almost Gone beside tho
road.
"Help me or I perish," moaned the
Infant industry.
- Whereupon the Traveler Abroad, be
ing a Humane Person, stooped down
"and took the Infant Industry to his
bosom.. The warmth of the Traveler
Abroad sooit revived tho Infant In
dustry and It developed a Marvelous
Strength, - Stretching its muscles the
Infant Indstry grasped the Traveler
Abroad and jerked him out of his
clothes.
As the Chilly .Winds smote with
great force the Traveler -Abroad he
lifted his voice a few notches and, ex
claimed: "Why do you thus leave me unclad
upon the road? Did I. not protect you
from the cold?"
Whereupon . the. Infant . Industry,
stretching itself- up to immense pro
portions, retorted:
"Ah, you are one of Them Fellows
'who think more of saving, a cent than
you do of American Prosperity." ,
Moral: The majority can't, under
stand it until they lose their' clothing.
BENEVOLENT ASSIMILATION.
After carefully concealing various
weapons of a Deadly Character about
his person, the Benevolent Assimilator
went Abroad to show .the 'Benighted
Brethren the True Path.
"But we are content to hew out
our . own paths," protested , tho Be
nighted: "Let us make naths :for -jtmr
own feet, and then we will know hnw
and where to travel."
"Not so," replied tho Benevolent As
similator. "The paths you make
might not lead to the counter where
II have goods to sell."
So saying the Benevolent Assimila
tor put his private Arsenal into ac
tion and Accumulated' a Thriving
Trade. . '
! Moral: The dollar is an excuse for
a Whole Passel of Wrong.' 'r f '
murmured .some more tho Statistician
appeared upon the Outer Wall' and
waved his hand, saying:
"Why murmurest thou?"
Whereupon the men exclaimed with
one voice:
"We are getting the worst of it
Our wages have gone down arid the
cost of living has gone up."
"Not so," said the Statistician. "Here
are figures showing the reverse to bo
true. While sugar and flour and meat?
have gone up 30 per cent, spices, salad
dressing, pate de foi gras and cham
pagne have decreased 35 per cent. This
shows that the cost of living has de
creased an averacrfi of R nor nf Trim-
.thermore, while only .the head of each
iamuy was working two years ago and
making a living for his family, now
every member of the' family is work
ing, including the six-year-old hov
uuu gins wno would be wasting their
time in school were it not for the
kindness of the employers in giving
them places in the factory. This shows
that the number of employed is in
creasing." A3 the employes listened they be"
camo dazed, and without realizing
what they were doing acepted another
wage reduction that saved the em
ployers more in a day that the Statis
tician received in a year. V
Moral: Figures won't. lie,. but liars.
wm iigure. . .. - .:
i , It shall be done," said the Philan
tropiBt with the 8iihsnrinfi . "an
THE PROMOTOR.
A Promotor with a scheme that
Looked Good .on the surface, went
forth among the people and made his
proposition.
"It will bring investors One Hun
dred Per Cent a Month," said' he.
But how can that be?" queried
the Cautious.
"The answer is easy," said the Pro
motor. "We merely put up the money
to float the stock, and then we get
from undor and let the Suckers carry
the load."
"This struck Many as being a Good
thing, so they pushed it along with
? ,th,ei might "wn Sefc ur nets
full of Suckers," said they, "and then,
we will pick their bones clean."
Just as the Cautious were about to
demand their share of the S'wag the
Promotor packed upall of it and left
for Parts Unknown. Whereupon the
Cautious wept bitterly and oxclaimed-
. Such dishonesty is deserving of se
vere reprobation." . '
I Moral: Some people never become
long on honesty until they become
Short on swag.
! THE .STATISTICIAN.
! Noting that their Ti!mwftvM
growing restless the Great Manufac
ture vuuyern; sec aoout doing some
thing to mollify them without increas
ing their pay.
"We are un asrafTiKf if , .,
the Chief Stockholder iOU1
Jtlht n S m"st hire a statistician "
said the General Manager
iioldoi" Why?" QUeried the 6hie' stock-
"Because figures are good thirnrq
lennaodge the faasTVh SirS
THE OPEN SHOP, i
The Manufacturer, hearing that his
men were about to organize a Union,
appeared on the Scene and ont rori
his Protest. .- .
(( "I am in favor o Unions," said he,
but I am against allowing, any. set of,
men to rim, my business."
"But we have no intention of run
ning your business." said fho mm
"We are organizing to: protect our-.,
aerves.
"I will protecb.yourV saidthe Man
ufacturer, 'l want free men in my,
Factory. I want no -slaves to a walk
ing delegate. Be free men! , Stand
upon your Americanism. The laborer
should be free in. all things."
But still the . men insisted upqn
Unionizing, and finally the Manufac
turer said:
"Dron this Union Tollr or.! t ,jti
Increase wages 10 per cent."
This appealed, to the employes more
forcibly thau Unionism, and talk of
organization was dropped. A few
months 'later wages were reduced 20
per cent, and, a month later another
reduction of 20 per cent took place
"We will not stand for it," said 'the
Employes.
But tho. Manufacturer envo vonf n
Loud Laugh and asked:
What are you going to do about it'
you have Tio .means, of taking conl
corted action."
"Alas, we listened to your palaver
about 'free labor" said the Em
ployes. -r&'I iSrt.edr 'the Manfacturer.
By 'free labor. I meant labor that I
was free, to .use or abuse as l saw
Moral: The wise man-will study tho.
subtleties of bur language.
COMPARATIVE.
.The Mine Owner sat upon 'the' wide
Piazza of his Ocean Cottage and Mused
As he mused a, Philanthropist no
tched with a subscript $r
"This is a subscription to a fund
wtia11 sm,tu Airica-
"tfave yu a good Press- Agent'"
queried the Mine .Owner Agent
"We have."
a Hftddeat Ion Pish
; "They do."
''Then vou mnv Vm '. . -
JBQ0.00P, and be sure Vat S? Gr at
ffournas print tho fnf .Vff wi??1-
After the PhilanthrnrWf." , ,T'
peared the- Mine Owner wired his GeE
eral Manager to reduce wages 15 dm
shacks 20 per cent; also to tack Si
some more prdflt .at the pluck-mo
"It has been done," wired back the
sup-erintehdont. "Epidemic of din !
theria among the miners and a necu-
SS; Ftf111 tne'mine mules.
What shall I do?s'
"Hire a skilled veterinarian for
mules," wired baclrthe Mine Owner
Moral i Human life is cheap. Mine
mules cost money.
THE BUTTON WEARER.
An Enthusiast nrannod rinwn .
street With his pqrson decorated with
buttons bearing the likeness of his
Preferred Candidate.
"Why so many buttons?" queried a
Dense Individual.
"I,am showinghmy enthusiastic sup
port of my Preferred Candidate,"' re
plied the Enthusiast.
"What db.es your Preferred Candi
date ptand for?". .queried the Dense In
dividual.., '
Th&Enthusisfc gazed with scorn upon
his questioner and shouted:
'I don't know;, but his face looks
pretty on. a Button. 'Rah for My
Man! . j.
Moral: Some men prefer wearing
photo (buttons io. studying up on the
facts.
othcra of sftfferlnKtfauftlitorfl 1 will oxp am
iccesaful Homo treatment. K?olln?n See"
"""""Vpnir nt nr Hincrors o! n.
i.nnin !L ,. "Bv w-ueu,t 'lYPtr"" ,""," ?",Y'Zin, write now
than Simnklns th ni.iiSj-'i tlWt9nA- and tell your sufforlng irlenda of it Adtfren.
, u. piuiuKins. the philanthropip ,MinQ .MrW. Summerp, pox m Notre Dome, ma,
The Unreasoning Dog.
Lloyd Morgan 'relates at some length
the experiments 'he tried with his fox
terrier, xonyy, trying to-teacn nun now
to bring a: stick through a fence with
vertical' palings. .The spaces would
allow hie 36 W ' pas s t'hrbugh, but the
palings caught the end's of the stick
which the dog carried in his mouth.
When 'his master encouraged him he
pushed and struggled vigorously. Not
succeeding, he went back, lay down,
and began gnawing the stick. Then
he tried again, and stuck as before,
but by a chance movement of his head
to one side finally got the stick
through. His toaster patted him ap
provingly and sent him for the stick.
Again be seized it by the middle, and,
of course,' brought up against the
palings. After some struggles he
dropped ifc and came through without
it. Then, encouraged by his master,
he put his head through, seized the
sticky "and tried to pull it through,
dancing up and down in his endeav
ors. Time after-time and day after
day the experiment was repeated with
practically the same results. The dog
never mastered the problem. He could
not see the relation of that stick to
the opening in' the fence. One time
he worked and tugged three minutes
trying to pull the stick through. Of
course, if he. had had any mental
conception of the problem, or had
hrmoif nliinf if- of nil fl KillCrle thai
would have convinced him as well as
a dpzen trials. Mr. Morgan tried the
experiment with other dogs, with like
result. When they did get the stick
through it was always by chance.
John Burroughs in Harper's Magazine
for August.
A NOTRE DAME LADY.
I Will Bend free, with full instructions, romoof
this Bimiilc preparation lor tho euro of r-eucor
rheca, Ulceration, Displacements, Fa line of wo
Womb, Scanty or Painful Periods, Tumors or
f
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