lb
The Commoner.
VOLUME 4, NUMBER 2L
.
iia"
Na.tur&J!y.
"Docs Grafton tako an interest in
politics?"
"Intorcst? Having mighty little
principle he actually takes usury in
politics."
Cautious.
"Rockefeller is taking a great deal
of pride in showing the first account
book ho ever kept."
"Yea; and ho's taking a great deal
of pains to keep from showing his
account books now."
Sortvtohoz.
young
farmer near
There was a
Natchez
Who counts every egg as it hatches,
And then puts the chicks
In batches of six
And sees that each hustles and
scratches.
Soctlsflod.
"He may be all right and the man
to nominate, but do you know where
he stands?"
"What difference does it make
whore ho stands now? E know he's
easily shoved, and that ho won't move
uutll he is."
Paradoxical.
"I nover handlod a typewriting ma
chine in my lifo," said the printer as
he bogan picking up from the floor the
handful of typo ho had dropped, "but
I'm engaged In type., righting just at
Jireseiit." ., - -
Tho' other things he said do not
properly belong to this little bit of-history.
Wily Man.
"What did your wife say when you
got home yesterday morning about
late breakfast tlrao .after being out all
night?"
"She didn't scold a bit."
"Say, tell mo how you work It?"
"The minute I stepped in the door
and saw hor I said, 'My dear, how love
ly the room looks since you have done
up the lace curtains.' "
A Little Ftxbl.
The Brown Man listened patiently
while the Whito Man was dilating up
on the glories of Benevolent Assimi
lation. "But," he finally said, "have you
succeeded in eradicating all graft and
corruption. from your municipalities?
Are your public officials all honest?"
"No, wo still havo corruption in our
cities, and many of our public offi
cials aro inclined to graft."
"Then why do you not remain at
home and reform your own country
before trying to reform us?"-
"My dear benighted brother," said
the White Man, l "instead of entering
public life in my own country, I have
come over here where the competition
is less keen."
Moral: The grafters are becoming
so numerous that new fields must be
sought.
Ldelegation be instructed to vote as a
unit for regulation or rreigni raiea uh
a plank of the platform, and that it be
further instructed"
"The gentleman Is out of order,"
said the chairman. "The delegation
has been appointed to represent the
dominant interests of this convention,
and tioes not need instructions."
"But, Mr. Chairman, I"
"The gentleman is out of order.
Under the circumstances instructions
are not necessary."
There being no further business be
fore the convention a motion to ad
journ was made and carried.
A Svirprjso.
When Mr. Pepperly opened the Cot
tage door his wife met him with a
smile on her face and a letter, in her
hand.
"0, George dear; such good news."
"What is it, my dear?"
"I just received a letter from mama,
and she says she will be here day after
tomorrow to spend a couple of months
with us."
Right here is where we should say
that Mr. Pepperly said things im
proper to print. But respect for the
truth prevents. What Mr. Pepperly
said was this:
"Good for her. I'll be tickled half
to death to seo the dear old soul."
And the best part of it is that Mr.
Pepperly meant it. His mother-in-law
was fully up to the average, and
most of us have better ones than we
aro entitled to.
Hopoloss.
"This is a peculiar case," said the
attendant, "and a hopeless one. There
is no cure for his malady."
"What is tho matter with him?"
queried the asylum visitor, peering
curiously at tho inmato.
"He is a bachelor, has some prop
erty, and aside from his mania is very
quiet. But ho tried to ilnd a wife as
handsome as the women pictured on
the calendars, and his reason tottered."
BeJkod.
"You say you liave been following
tho theatrical business for several
years?"
"Yes."
"Why did you quit it?"
"Well, it was just this way. I've
been the ice when Eliza was making
her escape. I've shoved clouds when
little Eva went up. I've even doubled
Legree and Uncle Tom, and once I
tried with some success to double in
Miss Ophelia and Marks down in
southern Illinois. But I was asked to
do one stunt that I balked at."
"What was that?'-
"Down in Slabvlllo the town marsh
all nabbed our dog for non-payment of
the dog license and wo didn't have
money enough to get tho brute out.
And when the manager asked me to
double St. Clair and the bloodhound
I got mad and quit."
Tho Soecsons.
pThe poot now does sweat and strive
Beneath the boiling sun;
He's grinding out with might and main
His verses one by one.
Tis not of summer skies ho writes
To fill his scanty purse
Ah, no; 'tis June and he must write
A grist of Christmas verse.
Whon winter's snows lie deep and
white
Tho widespread landscape o'er,
He'll hug tho stove and strive to write,
And pace tho chilly floor.
But not of winter will he writo
And walk the floor betimes.
Ah,, no; while earth with snow is white
He'll grind out summer rhymes.
OfCovirso Not.
Tho convention should have been
called to order at 2 p. m., but was
not called until 3 p. m owing to the
fact that Senator Graball, chairman
pro tem, had not concluded his con
ference with the general manager of
the X., Y. & Z. railroad. Finally the
senator appeared, called the conven
tion to order, and business began.
After the delegates to the national
convention had been appointed by the
chair, as por resolution the senator
having been made permanent chair
mana rural delegate arose to his
feet.
"Mr. Chairman!" ho exclaimed.
"Tho gentleman, from er-ah, from
umumunium."
"Mr. Chairman, I move you that the
Brain Leaks.
Better try and fail than to fail to
try.
Men do not rise by always looking
down.
The worst bore on earth is the man
with a grievance.
Less theology and more Christianity
might help some.
We lift ourselves up by reaching
"down to help others.
You don't have to pray loud to
reach the Father's ear.
A flower in the sick room is better
than a bouquet on the grave.
A vote in the box counts for more
than the protest after election. ,
Whisky numbers its worst victims
among those who never use it.
Calico-clad virtue gets more real
pleasure out of life than silk-clad vice.
There is a wide difference between
giving for love and giving for praise.
Giving advice to a young man who
is in love is like "giving bird seed to
a cat. j
When honest men divide at the polls
tho , exploiters- consolidate at the
spoils.
Getting along in the world does
not always mean getting up in the
world.
The real queens of society are those
who hold loving sway over their own
homes.
Speaking of men, you cannot judge
the contents of a book by looking at
the binding.
The man without enemies will get
no higher in the world than a kite
flown with the wind.
This would be a dismal world if all
men were successful financiers and
none were dreamers.
Doing the easy thing first always
results in making doubly hard the
last task undertaken.
Every year enough money is spent
for flowers for the dead to save hun
dreds from starving to death.
We never expect large results from
a church that depends more on music
than religion to attract its consre-
Ever notice that the greatest' bar
gains are always offered the day af
ter you have spent the last of your
week's salary?
The attention of the trustees of tho
hero fund is called to the man who
SpSh ?n "J10"811 t0 admit that ho i
afraid to do wrong.
The man who is always "goinc to
do it tomorrow" is the man who is
forever paying tribute to the man
who did it yesterday.
One of our neighbors is always
ieymiove,Uto i thG WOmen S
uicy iove to wear multi-colnrmi
Parol, but on the second and fourSi
Thursdays of each month lie dons a
look like six lead nickels, t)uts atin-
"Truthfuf James"
Rowena "Where did you say you
caught these lovely fish?"
Rupert "0, I didn't have a bite; a
fellow sitting next to me caught these
as fast as he could pull them in, and
I gave' him 60 cents for them."
Rowena "Rupert, do you feel well?
You are irettiner so ennfl vnu sonm
"me." Cincinnati Commercial Tribune.
Bel crown on his head, and feels all
swelled up when he seizes the gavel
and calls to order the B. B. C. Q v
of S. T. E. and W., Or something iikQ
that.
After a man has ruined his sense of
taste by over-indulgence, in nicotine
and alcohol he Is very apt to be loud
in his declarations that present-day
cooks could not equal those of his
boyhood days.
Amplifying The Argument.
"What is your objection to Uncle
Sam accepting as a gift .a statue of
Frederick the Great?"
. "Because, sir, this js a republic, and
Frederick was a despotic monarch.
Besides, he was a man of blood. You
remember what -Solomon said in one
of- his"
"Solomon? Do you dare to quote
Solomon? This is a moral and law
abiding country, and Solomon was the
greatest polygamist that ever lived!"
Chicago Tribune. - .
Greenhorns As Inventors.
In 1827 a , carpenter or Sandwich,
Mass., wanting a piece of glass of a
particular size anaV shape, conceived
the idea that the molten metal could
be pressed into any .form, much tho
same as lead might be, writes William
R. Stewart in the Cosmopolitan. Up
to that time all glassware had been
blown, either off-hand or in a mould,
and considerable skill was required
and the process was slow. The glass
manufacturers laughed at the carpen
ter", but he went ahead and built a
press, and now the United States is
tho greatest pressed-glassware coun
try in the world.
In 1890 a novice in the plate-glass
industry, Henry 'Fleckner, of Pitts
burg, whose only knowledge of glass
had been acquired in a window-glass
factory, invented an annealing "lehr,"
the most important single improve
ment ever introduced in plate-glass
manufacture. In three hours by the
lehr the same work is done which un
der the old kiln system required three
days. In four years the importations
of foreign crown and plate glass into
the United States fell in value from
$2,000,000 to $200,000.
About the same year Philip Argo
bast, of Pittsburg, also a novice m
glass-making, invented a process by
which bottles and jars may bo made
entirely by machinery, the costly
blow-over process being avoided and
the expense of bottle-making reduced
one-half. Tho resuic has been that
more bottles and jars are used in a
month now than in twelve months ten
years ago.
A COLOKADO WOTfDEK.
A Beautifully Illustrated Western Maga
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A new maprnzlno has been started in Colorado
and for tho llrst year Is being sent for 10c.
year BQlely to Introduce It to new renders.
It contains stories of adventure, engravings
of grand mountain scenory skotcbes of h10.
"finds" in gold mines, etc. Typical of to
West. It is really an honor to become a sub
scriber to any now paper and hero's a ciianco
for our rond'p.rfl. ttfip.V nf tho nincrazlno IS an oiu
ana solid ;
cess. Soni
filllh.f olv
fill Vnilf frlnmla TM.Io In n annnlni niTor tO lOttO'
duco the magazlno to new readers. Ppstnco
stamps takon. Send, all subscriptions to wie
Rochh Mountain Magazine, Denver, Colorado.
publishing pompany that insures b"
l 10c for ft.wholo vear (12 months).
Win tO fni.4t1 If rtrHnrnrt fit OUCO. iCU
i,
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g-i&zxmit
"
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