.TnTTwrwwipL rri'inumvww) 1 " it' The Commoner. lor VOLUME ,4, NUMBER 12, J Noodod Information. 'Now should we Bhout ana danco in glee I And bless our wondrous luck; For Knox has told us earnestly Ho will not run amuck. Such Information is immense And worth its weight in gold It quiets roars that were immense And causes joy untold. Now lot friond Knox ko further and Sot other fears at naught; Let him spread news throughout the land That wo so long have sought. .For instance, let him tell us quick TMm Invfiil tifiWfl Jim! triJQ That Russell Sago to gold will stick As tight as 'a glue. Let him go further In this wise And give us added Joy; Lot him bring laughter to our eyes And glee without alloy By tolling us tho truth straightway That Rockefeller will Keop hoisting up tho price we pay For oil our lamps to fill. . O Knox, keep up your wondrous stream Of information do! Our only source of news doth seem To ho confined to you. Wo wait to hear your mollow voice Tho startling news declare That wo can have no other choice Than buy our coal of Baer. Now toll us, Knox, tho added news For which wo vainly grope: That we've no other choice than u&o Tho trust-made toilet soap. That all wo eat and wear yes all! In this trust-ridden land Is owned by men at Broad and Wall Who tax to beat tho band. You '"will not run amuck?" 0, rata! Tho man who thought you might, Has got a belfry full o bats That flutter day and night. 'Twas not for that you got your job Ab you aro well aware. While you aro in tho trusts will rob Ana uo us up for fair. See advertising dopartmont. Histrionic. The world id ono collossal stage, And mankind is tho troupe; And somo who pose and strut as stars Would better try to supe. Spring. I've hot cloths upon nry torehead, Mustard plasters on each lung; First I'm freezing, then I'm torrid For spring's beon sprung. Encore. "Were you called back after singing your song?" "Yes, but owing to the manner of recall I think I showed good judgment hi not responding." see it about the time they load up their purses with shipbuilding stock and steel common." Thus does history once more con firm the theory that Shakespeare was something more than a mere writer of drama and verse. P.rixdoxict.I. The congressman deftly enclosed Ave kinds of garden seeds in a package and then addressed it to ono of his constituents. "Here," said he to himself, "here is where I plant some garden seeds and make hay." From this incident we gather, some explanation of why our politics is so hard for the foreign guest to comprehend. Don't ; - Don't hurry. Don't worry. Don't flurry. Don't sKurry. . , , Don't loaf when thefe'swork to bo done. -.-:?.-. Don't chatter. . ' ' ''. '-. ,. Don't scatter. Don't flatter. Don't smatter. Don't saunter when time comes to run. Exceptions. "There is no excuse for lynching nono whatever!" exclaimed the sub urbanite. "Lynching is never just Groat Scott, there's Blng's chickens in my garden again!" And when he returned from chasing the hens out of the radish bed the suburbanite continued: "I was about to say that lynching is never justified save . in extreme cases." And tho look he, cast in the direction of tho Blng home was eloquent in its silence. "Tell me the real reason why you don't want to read it any more. "Well, it's this way,' said the re publican. "It reminds me of a story of my brother-in-law. He chews an immense amount of tobacco, much to his wife's displeasure, and she is al ways begging him to quit the habit. Finally ho agreed to take a certain well advertised cure for the tobacco habit if she would got it, and she did. My brother-in-law took it as pre scribed for quite a while, and then threw the medicine away. " 'What did you throw it away for?' queried his wife. "'0, the darned stuff was curing me,' replied my brother-in-law. "And now, perhaps, you willbe sat isfied that I have good reason for not wanting to read The Commoner any more." And the democrat thought ho saw the point. Discouraging. The mechanical genius met the pas tor and gleefully exclaimed: "I have invented a contribution box that will result in increasing con tributions." "Ah," said the pastor, rubbing his hands. "Explain its workings to me." "It has a bell and phonograph at tachments," said the genius. "When anything less than a dollar is dropped into the box the bell rings. When a dollar or more is dropped in the phonograph sings, 'All for Thee.' Great, isn't it?" "My friend," said the pastor, "your intentions are good, but my greatest problem now is how to get people to attend church. Your invention will empty the few remaining pews now occupied." Aftex Moore. .r- (A long time after, too.) You may scent, you may cleanso Tho big gift, as you will, But tho scent of tho coal oil Will cling to it still. Prophotlc. "He who steals my purse stoals trash," wrote Shakespeare. Pausing for a moment the Bard or Avon reflected. "Well, it may take some time for that to dawn upon them, but they'll N Ctvutlous. "Gentlemen," said the chairman of the Investigating committee, "we must proceed with caution." "But tho proof against the defend ant is overwhelming," insisted the new member of the august body. "Quito true," replied the chairman. "But please bear in mind that a ver dict of guilty would "reflect upon the dignity of the body to which we belong." Having thus stated the case fully and fairly, the committee proceeded to make diligent search for usable luuuiucauties. His R.ea.son. A Commoner subscriber in New York tells a little story that is well worth repeating. He says that about a year ago ho subscribed for a cony of The Commoner and had it sent to a republican friend. The friend agreed to read it carefully each week and presumably did so. At any rate 'when the subscription expired and h s demo cratic friend offered to send it to him another year, ho said: mow?5 l dU,t WaUt t0 read !t ay crai"1 WUy nt?" qutfried the demo. "O, I'm too busy to read it ani i "teLj S0 7 otter p-apo"."6 But did you not learn something to'atU??,yiw,t' "Now look here," said tho democrat. Braln Lo&ks. Gentlemen are made, not born. Happiness is hope In full bloom. The loss of a minute spoils an hour. There is no reformation without agitation. You do not have to grovel in order to be humble. Your neighbor's chickens are always the worst scratchers. . Every community has those who are inordinately proud of being humble. Do It Now enjoys a vacation whiio After While is struggling for bread. The greatest reformations have been started by the reformation of one man. Strive Ever has monev to loan while Wait a Bit is always paying in terest. Wearing a patch is better than pay- "fa uou;lx uu 8 money you spent for fine raiment. Some of the fashions in men's wear make a Parisian toilette look like three lead dimes. A bunch of keys on the end of a The man who makes light of things held sacred by others mistakes fool ishness for smartness. l Our idea of a mean man is one who 52t h?0?'"" "P in th?nfit to get his baby a drink. SSSSSSSS aehie TStott. by What no?Uca?eOXnodwrmuhl,0r Saya h H Are We Honest? .1 believe you are, and I am willing to let you judso me. i honestly be lieve I have a book worth a dollar to you, and I believe you will think so after you see tnebook. Tne book is one I published myself, and it is made up of the poems and- sketches that have appeared in the "Whether Com mon or Not" department of The Com moner, and in other publications. I wrote them all myself. Tho book is cloth bound, gold side and back stamps, foroword by Mr W. J. Bryan and has 277 pages. The price is One Dollar. A FAIR PROPOSITION. If you say so I'll send you the book on suspicion. If you think it is worth a dollar, send me tho money, if you do not think so send the bock back in good condition natural wear and tear expected and we'll call it square. I make this offer for two reasons one is I think the book is worth the dol lar, and secondly, I think you will think so and send me the money. AN OPEN CONFEbSION. Perhaps you would like to know why I am so anxious to sell my book. I'll tell you I need the money. Now drop me a card and say youd like to receive my book on suspicion. I'll take- it for granted you are willing to pay for it if vou like it and think it worth the money, and I'll send it to you by the next mail. WILL M. MAUPIN, 2022 South. 17Lh St. .Lincoln, Neb. them as soon as they begin telling the truth. ' When a man begins complaining about the newspapers it is a sign that" he is afraid something will be dis closed. When we see a man lighting a cigar while advising his boy not to smoke, we look around to see if. the F. K. is drawing near. ,, The Hustle & Hard Work railroad may not run swift trains like tk9 Hurry & Worry line, but its trains do not go in the ditch nearly so often. A Funny Little Fake. With her two kittle gunboats sold, and her army reduced to 250 men, in cluding the generals, the republiquita of Panama will now settle down into the funniest little falsehood of a "sovereign, independent power" that can be found on the earth's surface. The fictions of diplomacy are often convenient, but it is seldom that they are so grotesque as in the case of this "republic." Springfield Republican. ONE-WAY RATES Every day from March 1 to April 30, 1904, the Union Pacific will sell One-way Colonist tickets at the fol lowing rates from Lincoln: $20.00 to Ogden and Salt Lake City. $20.00 to Butte Anaconda and Helena. $22.50 to Spokane and Wenatchee, Wash. $25.00 to-Everett, Fairhaven, What com, Vancouver and Astoria, via Hunt ington and Spokane. $25.00 to 'Portland and Astoria; or to Tacoma and Seattle, via Huntington and Portland or1 via Huntington and Spokane. $25.00 to Ashland, Roseburg, Eu gene, Albany and Salem, via Portland, $25.00 to San Francisco, Los An geles, San Diego and many other Cali fornia points. From Chicago and St.. Louis propor tionately low rates are in effect by lines connecting with tho Union Pa cific to all above points. For full information call on or ad dress E. B. Slosson, Gen, Agent, Lin coln, Neb. 8 u i )l V