The Commoner.
10
VOLUME 3, NUMBER 30.
v r '
Muster Out
"The vetorans of the civil war aro
dying at tho rato of one hundred a
'day," remarked a prominent official of
ithe Grand Army of tho Republic
'Press Dispatch.
They hear tho bugle's ringing notes
and gladly march away;
Above their heads Old Glory floats as
" in tho battle's fray;
5;ho swelling choirs rise from their
throats, their steps grow light and
gay.
They're murching forth to join
tho Grand Review.
Forgot are all the weary years, they're
young and strong again;
Thoy'ro catching stop with loyal cheers
as in tho old days when
They kissed aside tho swolling tears
from sweethearts' eyes, and then
Marched for to answer duty's
stern command.
Their eyes no longer weak and dim,
they see tho banner bright;
.Thoy sing their country's battle hymn,
their way is growing light;
They're marching with tho old-time
vim, for vict'ry is in sight,
Tho sun-crowned hills of glory
just ahead.
They hear their captain calling, "Boys,
the day is nearly o'er;"
Thoy catch a gleam of heaven's joys,
they soe tho golden shore; .
No .fear of death their joy nlloyB,
their comrades gone before
Are calling them, "Fall in for
Grand Review!"
They hear their comrades singing, and
thoy join tho chorus sweet;
Thoy hear the bugles ringing and they
march with eager feet.
See, tho line is gaily swinging down
the golden bordered street,
The laurel crowns of glory have
been won.
They hear their comrades' welcome
shout, they clasp handB brave and
true;
Thoy'vo put the fear of death to rout,
they pass in Grand Review;
By companies they muster out the
boys who wore the blue,
With bugles playing "Home,
Sweet Home," today.
Comrades behind have sounded "taps"
for five score men today;
Their wasted forms the flag enwraps,
- they've fought a gallant fray;
The living close the serried gaps and
sadly march away
"Lights out!" The "boys at laBt
are safely home.
and lifo once more becomes worth liv
ing. But even tho best of friends must
part, and tho "pumpkin story" re
sumes its ceaseless round, leaving us
once more solitary and alone. The
sun grows hotter, the sky becomes a
shield of brass, and the country seems
forgotten by providence. But here
comes another old friend to cheer us
-the story about the boy who climbed
the corn stalk and cannot get down
because tho stalk grows upwards
faster than ho can descend, and how
ho is not starving because he is eat
ing tho roasting ears and throwing
down a half-bushel of cobs every day.
Once more a new joy is born into
our weary lives and for a few short
momorits wo aro convinced that life is
worth living. But the old friend must
continue on its journey, and with
tearful oyes we see it depart with
promises to como again next year. The
sun waxes hotter and the leaves of
the trees begin to curl in the blind
ing heat. The grass grows brown and
sere, and even the birds are silent in
their leafy shelters. Life is a miser
able existence and we would end it all
with a sudden stroke, but in the dis
tance wo see approaching another old
friend the story of tho man ivho was
feeding a threshing machine, and be
coming incensed' at a boy who slashed
his hand by accident, thrust th.e
shrieking juviile into the jaws of the
machine, paying the penalty imme
diately by being lynched by the re-
Umainder of tho threshing crew.
And thus it goes. The old friends
troop by in welcome procession, and
in their coming we forget the terrific
heat and the horrors of a flery sum
mer. They come as regularly as the
seasons, and wo rejoice and aro glad.
bio you will light another cigar. You
have spent $1.60 today on cigara and
'suds' and spent at least two hours in
the breeze from an electric fan in tho
cigar store across tho alley from your
ofllce. Now it seems to me that I am
entitled to"
"Woman, have you had a private de
tective on my track! Beware! This
is carrying things too far. I'll "
"No, I just guessed at it, Mr. Bil
dad; and I see that I inacle a good
guess. Now I want a quart of ice
cream for supper and I rather think
I am going to have it You either give
Johnnie the quarter or put on your
hat and "
But Mr. Bildad had seized his head
piece and fled, slamming the screen
viciously.
Misunderstood
"But you told us that by merging
your two railroad systems you could
reduce expenses and thereby give us
lower freight rates."
"Yes."
"Now we find that you have in
creased the freight rates 25 per cent"
"Yes."
"You have deceived us."
"Not so, gentlemen," replied tho
railroad magnate. "I did say that
consolidation would enahle us .to re
duce expenses, thereby permitting us
to reduce our freight rates. But did
I specifically promise that I would
ovail myself of the permission?'.'
Not being experts in the subtleties
of our language the committee was
forced to retire.
Th Old Favoritei
The old favorites aro with us once
again. They como with wonderful reg
vlarity, and long ago wo made up our
minds that lifo would be a barren
waste without them.
The thermometer reminds us that
the weather is beastly hot. Tho per
spiration Btarts from every pore, and
we swelter and suffer in the awful
heat. We sizzle and roast and seek
in vain for some relief. There is none
in sight But just as we aro about to
give up in despair along comes one
of our old friends with a breeziness
that gives us now life a welcome old
friend tho story of the man who
couldn't raise pumpkins because the
vines grow so fast thsy wore the
pumpkins out by dragging them swift
ly over the ground.
We hail its appearance with joy,
After Tennyson t
Broke, broke, broke,
By thy great resort, O sea!
And 1'vo got to wire for money,
And do it C. 0. D.
The Blldads
"My dear," remarked Mrs. Bildad
a few moments before the evening
meal was ready, "I wish you would
give Johnnie a quarter and let him go
down to the restaurant and get a
quart of ice cream for supper."
"A quarter for ice cream!" shrieked
Mr. Bildad. "Do you think I am
made of money, Mrs. Bildad? We
can't afford ice cream."
"But I have not been out of the
house for a week, and I am so fond
of ice cream. You used to give me
ice cream every summer evening be
fore wo were mar "
"There, there; it's no use to remind
me of my foolish days. Wo can't af
ford ice cream now, and that's the end
of it I have to work in my office all
day, and it's just as hard on me as
your work is on you. I haven't had
any ice cream for a year."
"Perhaps not," retorted Mrs. Bil
dad. "But when you got up from the
breakfast table this morning you
lighted a 10-cent cigar. At 10:15 you
lighted another, -and before you had
finished it you went out with a friend
to get a cool glass of what you call
'suds.' You had another glass of
'suds' with your lunch, and before 3
o'clock you had taken threo friends
cut to have something and told tho
man who waited on you to 'make it
strong.' You bought three 10-straight
cigars for them, and put three more in
your pocket for yourself. Before tak
ing the car to como home to supper
Alllsonlan
"Mr. Chairman," said the delegate
from Podunk, "I do not quit catch
the meaning of the tariff plank of the
platform just read. It appears to be
too ambiguous."
"The gentleman is out of order,"
exclaimed the chairman. "He seems
to have overlooked the important fact
that this is a republican convention."
The delegate from Podunk sat down,
realizing the futility of an appeal
irom the chair.
A Power -
The fractious broncho stood pon
dering, forgetful even of the succulent
grass growing all about.
"I wonder," finally remarked the
broncho, "what that tenderfoot meant
when he said that Virginia was re
sponsible for presidents. I must de
mand recognition of my powers. I
rather think I'm something of a president-maker
myself."
Our eccentricities are always glar
ing faults when exhibited by others.
The office sought Saul and then had
a hard time getting away from him.
Speaking of training children, does
any ono know of a good training
school for parents?
Wo always feel sorry for the boy
whoso father has forgotten that he,"
too, was once young.
Some people waste so much time
worrying over imaginary ills that they,
fail to enjoy real blessings.
It is easy for the fellow who never
had an aching tooth to advise a suf
ferer to hasten to the dentist
You are always sure of getting a
good meal at the home of the woman
who is proud of her breadmaking
ability.
When a man shaves off his mus
tache he is offended if his friends do
not pretend thatthey hardly recog
nized him.
Can you, keep from laughing when
you hear a man who wears a high col
lar on a hot day criticising women for
tight lacing?
Speaking of the scarcity of girls
who know how to keep house, perhaps
it is due to the fact that there is a
lack of young men capable of provid
ing.thp house.
Wished He Was a Rabbit.
Seven-year-old George was crying
disconsolately over a sadly thumbed
arithmetic, from which he was vainly,
trying to master the multiplication
table.
"Thirteen times threo are thirty
nine" sob "thirteen fours wish I
was a rabbit in Australia boo-hoo."
"Why, Georgia! What do you wish
such a silly thing as that for?" asked
a surprised parent, entering at tho
moment.
"Ain't silly," sobs Georgia. "G'og'
aphy says they multiply so easily in
Australia." Quincy Whig.
The Extremes
"I have noticed one strange thing
about this tariff -question," remarked
Uncle Ponder, addressing the crowd
at tho village grocery. "The men who
shout loudest for protection are those
who have nothing to protect and those
who owe all they have to it The first
live in the crowded tenement districts,
the latter have palaces in the city and
cottages at the seashore."
The Favorite Son
"I see by the papers that the Ball
family will hold a reunion in Now
Jersey this month."
"Yes, I was talking with Hi about
it yesterday and ne said he would be
there."
Brain Leaks
Salvation is free, but it costs money
to keep it.
The slave of a stomach can never be
a kingly mind.
Did you ever hear of a baseball
player being sunstruck?
Ono grain of doubt can taint a,
wholo heart full of hope.
you had another 'suds' and just as Wo would rather seo a man Tiding
n " j"u bl up jLiom me supper ta-a noDpy xnan a man plodding.
Is Perry Heath Protected?
On July 31 Perry Heath will be
come immune from prosecution for
acts committed while serving as first
assistant postmaster general. On that
day three years ago he left the postal
service, and the statute of limitations
interposes a bar.
Tho report that the fourth assistant
postmaster general was called to Oys
ter Bay and instructed not to insti
tute proceedings against Heath be
cause of his association with the re
publican national committee as secre
tary, is almost incredible. If Mr.
Roosevelt has listened to the "earn
est pleadings" of Senator Hanna,
Postmaster General Payne and others
"and arbitrarily held up" the process
of justice, no has disappointed men of
all parties who have looked upon him
as a man of sterling integrity not to
be influenced by considerations of par
tisan politics.
Why should a man be protected by
a republican administration because
he occupies a position in the party or
ganization? If he has violated tho
law "good politics" would seem to re
quire Ills prosecution. A party can
hardly carry such a load of scandal,
and the sooner it rids itself of the of
fender the hotter will be its standing
before the voters.
This is, at least, the view hitherto
attributed to Mr. Roosevelt He iden
tified himself with the cause of hon
est administration of tho public ser
vice and was a conspicuous advocate
of the merit system. Has the hum
ming of tho beo deafened him to the
demands of his old-time principles?
If Perry Heath has been saved by
executive favor springing from con
sideration of partisan expediency, the
republican party will he put on tho
defensive and it will not bo able to
justify itself to tho minds of reason
able and level-headed voters. St.
"Louis PosWDispatch.
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