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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (July 10, 1903)
The Commoner. VOLUME 3, NUMBER 25. 10 JMMMMI.BMMWWWWWWWWMIWM,MW'iWMW,WWPM' ?. fr lie Stopped Ills Paper. 'He would stop his local paper to economize, he said. The dollar that it cost him he would save. - Said ho was so busy working that tho sheet was never read, And other reasons weighty then he gave. " "Nothing in it that's worth reading," was the thought he had in mind, And ho chuckled that he'd Baved a dollar bill. iBut while neighbors were progressing ho was left so far behind That the bunco men could see him standing still. "OHo didn't see the warning 'gainst the sharpers going around With cheap pot-metal ranges called the best; ,'And tho contract signed to take one - to his horror soon he found A note he had to pay with interest Next ho signed a little paper for a pair of wily guys "Who said the fact would help 'em 'And in just three nionthB thereafter, " to his very great surprise, Tho local bank wrote: "Pay this, if you please." ".. One bright day a fellow net him and said, "Say, I'll buy your land And give you just six thousand for the place." "v- 'And the owner said, "I'll take it; put tho money in my hand," So the stranger posted forfeit "with good grace. But noxt day another fellow hove in sight and offered more, And the owner paid a premium to the first. - Then when both the sharpers faded loud tho ovTher then did roar, For ho saw that in the deal he'd got tho worst. r Next ho bought a lot of woolens from a man who whispered low He'd Smuggle 3 them and so could sell them cheap. Then when he sot out to wear them quick and fast his tears did flow Tho stuff was but base libel on a sheep. the door and out into tho yard where his son and heir was busily engaged in lighting fuses. "John Uingman, let up on that beastly racket. If you've got to make this unearthly noise for gooflness sake go somewhere else. I'm nearly frantic say, son, that's a dandy big one you've got there. Let me see it. Gee, that's a peach. Gimmo a match and I'll set this one off. Whoop-ee, wasn't that a bird! Blow on that piece of punk while I got a barrel to put over this bunch of big ones. There you are New hand mo those big ones and I'll show you how to make Rome howl. Hurrah! Whoop!! What's .the, mat ter with that?" "Say, pa," said Johnnie about 11:30 a, m., "please gimme a quarter to buy some more crackers." "What's that? Why I gave you a dollar last night and you spent it all for crackers. Think I'm made of money? I'll not" "But, say, pa; you shot 'em all off yourself. I didn't do nothin but keep the punk goin'." "What? I shot well, um, er, ah here's a half-dollar, son. But get seme big ones." Lov!y Tlma. "Have a good time on the Fourth?" queried the disabled giant cracker. "Lovely," replied the tetanus germ. "I made the acquaintance of a lot of jolly people." Eut the lusty g. o. p. Elephant will be n. g. Till you clean the p. o. d., Mr. Payne. Better start well underneath, Mr. Payne. Start way back witli Perry Heath, Mr. Payne. Doff your coat and get to work; Sweep tho rooms where grafters lurk; Quit your talking go to work Mr. Payne. The Difference. The shade of the British admiral happened to meet the shade of the Spanish captain upon the banks of tho Styx. "I see," said that British shade, "that the American battleships have filled the emperor of Germany with, amazement" "Yes," replied the Spanish shade. "But that is preferable to being filled with shot and shell." For a few brief moments ' every thing was motionless save the head of the British shade, which nodded assent Recognized It, The Consultatien. The managing editor disappeared through the door leading to the busi ness manager's office. "I am ready for instructions," said the M. B. "All right Don't say anything about the Consolidated Oil company. We've just sold a block of our stock to its president" "All right." "Remain discreetly silent concern ing the Union Traction company fran chise steal, for we expect to be let in on, the- ground floor." "All right" "We .are preparing to trade some of our treasury stock for a block of stock in the United States Iron com Then a wily gold brick artist filled his pany, so avoid any reference to its ears w.ltu thouguts of gain. Business. "All right" "And some of our leading stock holders are interested in the new trust that is combining our gas plants and trying to get hold of the municipal v.ater plant Don't say anything about it" "All right" Two hours later the foreman thrust his head into the managing editor's room and asked: "What's the leader for tomorrow morning's editorial page?" "I'll have it ready in a few min utes," replied the M. B. It will be en titled 'The Free and Untrammeled Press,' " Ho said a chance like that should never pass. So he hustled for tho money with bin utnfost might and main, And paid it for a shining chunk of brass. When he'd squandered all his money and he'd mortgaged all his land Pie realized he'd been a blooming dunce; , And he struck out for tho village with a dollar, in his hand And hunted up the editor at once. "I have got to have your paper, and here's for a year ahead," He shouted as ho struck the office door. ."I have saved one blasted dollar, but of thousands I've been bled, And I'll nover stop my paper any more." After returning from the races whero his favorite came in under the wire after all the other horses were blank eted, Plungerly gazed sorrowfully into the restaurant window and felt of the keys in his pocket. "It looks like a case of starve for me," ho muttered. Still looking through the window ho pondered for a few moments longer. "This is where I become an author ity on race suicide," he thought bit terly. Splcadld Definition. Mayor Tom Johnson has an incisive and epigrammatic way of putting plain truths. During his last campaign for mayor of Cleveland he was especially severe on that class of men commonly known as "promoters." When asked to explain what he meant by "pro motor" Mayor Johnson replied: "A promotor is a man who sells nothing for something to people who want to get something for nothing." The Morning After. One, two, thr:e, four, five! Thank goodness, he's alive! Through the livelong day I feared He would blow himself sky-high; Ev'ry moment it appeared That he'd lose an arm or eve. Biff! Bang! Boom! From morn till night He courted death with dynamite. Force of Habit. Seating himself at his desk the poet prepared to write a proposal to Miss Gotrox. After much mental perturba tion ho managed to express ' his thoughts. Then, dipping his pen in the ink he added a few words: "Enclosed please find stamped and self-addressed envelope for return of manuscript if not available." Changed Ills Jllnd. "Confound those firecrackers," mut tered DIngman as he tried vainly to read the morning paper. "How is a fellow to got through the day? I sometimes wish that the Fourth of July had never been Invented." Bang! Whizz! Boom! ! "Seizing his hat DIngman rushed to nr. Payne. Something there besides "hot air," Mr. Payne. Seems there's lots of grafting there, Mr. Payne. Lots of, cleaning out to do Ere your job is wholly through. And it's clearly up to you, Mr. Payne. Yes, 'tis very clearly seen, - Mr. Payne, That It's tough on the machine, , . Mr. Payne. - v. - Labor Note. "Wow! Boo-hoo!! Wow! wow!!" Rising slowly from his bed and. rub bing his sleepy eyes, Mr. Newpop groped his way to the cradle. "Here's where tho boss of this un ion orders another walk-out," he muttered. something equally good," replied Charley, who was just then thlnUnJ of his drug business. e Brain Leaks A man's credit is never so bad ho can not borrow trouble. If money could buy happiness most people would be miserable. A man may evade responsibility, but ho cannot dodge the results. Satan always gets busy when he sees a church closed, for the summer. Fine feathers do not make fine birds, but they do make expensive hats. Tho wise man profits by his mis takes; the fool merely mourns over them. Some rich men think that they can right any kind of a wrong by writing a chepk. It is easy to talk about the blessings of poverty when one has a comfortable bank account. When a man lives by his wits it is a sign that he resides in a commun ity of suckers. Why is it that men so love to tell their friends how much they suffer from the heat? The happiest homes are those in which company manners are used be tween its members. Trust not tho friendship of the man or woman who will thoughtlessly mu tilate a good book. True wealth consists in enjoying what you have, not in having mora than you can enjoy. One of the unsolved mysteries is how a little woman can make an obedient servant out of a big man. The race of life offers some hand some prizes, and the only entrance fea demanded is honest exertion. Some men are honest only because it is the best policy, and not because they really want to be honest. A lot of men take vacations in or der that they may experience the de lights of getting back to work again. There is nothing prettier than tho proud look of a mother when somo stranger takes smiling notice of her little child. A bright woman writer declares that the historical novel is about to become what it never has been a thing of the past. The wise merchant does not depend upon selling people what they need. Ha strives to make people believe they; need what he has to sell. We would give a whole lot to once more experience the joy wo felt tho first time we were allowed to shoot a bunch of firecrackers unassisted. Speaking of postal frauds, how can you expect honest clerks when it b definitely known that tho principals owe their position to t;he criminal use of money? In Summer. The Ice man is a funny guy. These days that sadly scorch The piece of ico from him we buy Is a damp spot on the porch. Ceuldn't Help It. "Charley, are you sure you are giv ing me your .heart's purest love?" whispered theofair maiden. "Quite sure, f Mayme, er, .ah or n . A Troublesome Crop. The circulation of the national banks is rapidly Increasing. It now exceeds $400,000,000. The increase since March 25 has been nearly $19,000,000. In spite of this great addition to the currency of the country, the New York bankers are afraid they will not havo money enough "to move the crops." Tho Wall street crop of watered stock! lsthe most trouble: omo one to move, even at bargain pricesJohnstown Democrat Passengers going to Colorado via Union Pacific can secure berths ia TVmrlaf PJInrmnva ottow rlnv AnnlV tO City Office, 1044 O street Lincolp, Neb. i f ft-