; i " r
The Commoner.
Oct. 3, 190a
15
GOOD SHORT STORIES
What Daltnonlco Wauld Say
When Hans Straus, waiter in a
Fourteenth street restaurant, came in
to a fortune recently, he expended part
of it in buying" the good will of a lit
tle German restaurant in lower Fifth
avenue, says the New York Tribune.
The remainder of his unexpected leg
acy went to refurnish the place in
elaborate style. Ho was proud of the
mirrors which were fastened to the
walls, of the heavy oaken chairs and
tables, but, proudest of all, of the new
floor of polished hardwood.
Two old Germans, who had been
regular customers of the place for
years, continued their visits when the
furnishing was completed. They in
sisted on expectorating on the now
floor, ignoring the cuspidors.
Hans went to them and expostu
lated: "Mine frolnd, vill you please
spit in der coospidor, not on der floor?"
"I vill spit vere I likes," was the
curt reply. ,
"You vill spit in mine coospidor or
you vill keep away from here. That
is vat yet If you vas to go to Del
monico's and spit on der floor, vat vood
Delmonico say, eh?"
"Ah,' replied the Teutonic diner.
"Delmonico vood say, 'Look here, if
you vant to speet on der floor you must
go to Hans Straus', not here.' "
Was Net Afraid.
An old colored woman whom I have
known for years has recently moved
into an old Georgetown house which
is said to be haunted, related a Wash
ington visitor to the Post When I
met her the other day I asked her if
she were not afraid of the ghosts.
"Ghostses!" she sniffed. "Law, chllo,
I ain't afraid of no ghostses that over
walked. They ain't nothin' at all to
skeer anybody when you know what
they is. Ghostses is jes' the souls of
cullud people that's so bad they kalnt
go to. heaven, an' so no 'count Satan
won't have 'em. I ain't skeered of no
sech trash."
B Wrong Side Out.
Rear Admiral Joseph B. Coghlan,
newly promoted to that grade, who was
with Admiral Dewey at' the -time of
.Manila, brought back to the United
States many stories of the far east,
says the Philadelphia Post "I heard
of one incident' said he, "that illus
trates how .alerfc Japan has been to
take on the ways of civilization. At
an early day in the career of new
Japan some ladies of Tokio decided to
adopt Anglo-Saxon dress, and so they
ordered elaborate wardrobes from
Paris, sending explicit instructions
that the garments should be packed
in cases in the order in which they
were to l)e worn. These orders were
carefully carried out, lingerie going
into the boxes first, and so on to the
ultimate flounces and furbelows. But
by some misciiance," Admiral Cogh
lan added, "the cases were labeled
wrong side up, and the guileless Ja
panese ladies proceeded in due timp
to array themselves in reverse order,
with what results may be discreetly
left to the imagination."
A Literary Story.
It is doubtful if Mark Twain has any
difficulty nowadays in disposing of his
stories, says the New Yorlc Times, but
it is evident from a recent remark
that ho has not grown out of sym
pathy with his struggling and less
famous fellows in the literary field.
The lady who tolls the incident was
talking witn him on the disillusion
ments of authorship.
"And I even understand," she said,
"that some of your authors compose
on the typewriter."
"Such is the inartistic truth," Mark
admitted.
"How unromantic to associate genius
and the typewriter!" the lady ex
claimed. "But on the other hand, I
suppose that 'writer's cramp' is thus
avoided," she added, practically.
"Partially, madam," replied Mark;
"only partially."
"Why not altogether?" she demand
ed, puzzled at his smile.
"It may be avoided in tho wrist and
fingers,' Mark 'explained, feelingly,
"but we are all still subject to it in
the stomach."
tor nonchalantly, "I!m probably tak
ing as much of a risk as you are," and
moved a few steps away Just as tho
heaviest downpour enmo upon them.
New York Clipper.
Roasavelt's Full Tilt.
Down oast they actually seem to
think that Roosevelt has threatened
to do something to tho trusts. His pri
vate chaplain oxpressed fairly well the
popular nbtion down there when ho
said thoy had faith in tho president
that he would do nothing violent,
though, ho must confess, he was a little
alarmed about it, afraid our impetuous
president would upset things need
lessly.
Tho fact that tho chaplain is a princo
of sycophants does not provont it from
being a faithful representation of tho
eastern mind of a certain type.
That explains what to us in the
bounding west has seemed absurd,
Roosevelt's repeated explanation that
ho was not attacking property, his
apologies for tho employment of tho
injunction lest men should think ho
was persecuting the trusts, his itera
tion of good intentions not to hurt
them. Out west, of course, tho major
ity aro not a bit afraid of hurting the
trusts, would not mind if some things
were done that tho truBts ,did not like.
If it was not for that excessive cau
tion of the far cast one might well im
agine that trust deprecation of Roose
velt was a bit of stagecraft Pull him
off, pull him off, they cry, ho is
cr-u-shing us. Don't let him hurt us
so.
And then they all laugh. -Red Wing
(Minn.) Argus.
What Sha Wanted.
"I want 5 cents' worth of glory di
vine," said a flaxen-haired tot looking
intently at tne clerk in a South Bos
ton drug store last evening, says the
Boston Herald. Everybody within
hearing of th.e infantile voice either
laughed or smiled, while Mr. Grey, the
drug man, looked serious and appeared
to be thinking. "Are you sure it is
glory divine you want?" he asked the
little one.
"Yes, sir," was the prompt response.
"For what does mamma want it?"
was the next question.
"To throw it around the room and
in the back yard," said tho little tot,
innocently.
"Isn't it chloride of lime she wants?"
asked the drug man.
The little girl nodded her assent, and
soon sho was on her way home to
mother.
"It's only one of many enigmas
which face the drug clerics every day
in their life," said the apothecary.
J'The little girls do make mistakes very
often, but the little boys and some of
the heads of families are always guess
ing at what they want, and letting us
guess what they mean. But 'glory
divine's a new one on me."
A Stage Resurrection.
"It was, I think, at the Haymarket
that one of the most amusing of unre
hearsed incidents occurred," says a
writer in "M. A. P." "The play was
Romeo and Juliet; Mrs. Scott Siddons
was the Juliet of the occasion. All
went well until the unal scene. Paris
was duly slain and Juliet lay stretched
upon her bier. Just then some of the
scenery caught ' alight somehow, but
some men from behind soon extin
guished it Juliet, with commendable
presence of mind, did not move an eye
lid, but tho'cornse of Paris was nerv
ous. He raised himself to a sitting
posture, and then got upon his feet
and fled from the stage. The danger
being removed, his courage returned,
and the audience was afforded the
pleasing spectacle of a corpse crawling
along the stage from the wings to take
up tho proper position for the final cur
tain. It was too tremendous an anti
climax to the tragedy of the play, and
the house was simply convulsed."
Got Her Deserts.
The following was heard at the cor
ner of Broadway and Forty-second
street the other day as the rain was
pouring down in torrents. Two peo
ple, a gentleman with an umbrella
over his head and a young woman
without one, stood waiting for an up
town Broadway car. The gentleman,
who was a member of the company
playing in a nearby theatre, noticing
the young woman's drenched condi
tion, stepped up and respectfully ad
dressed her.
"Pardon me," he said, "but may I
offer you a part of my umbrella until
the car reaches the corner?"
"Sir!" exclaimed the dripping lady
in indignant tones, "Idon't know you'
"Well, as to that," answered the ac-
J 350.000
I m I now
fcry use..
A Cross OlrPs Mishaps.
I'll tell you a story as woeful as any
That evor was written, recited, or
. . sung;
'Tis of a small maiden who lost all
her beauty,
Beyond restoration, when sho was
qui to young.
'Twa3 caused by ill-humor, by fretting
and frowning,
By stretching her mouth as she cried
out ' boo-hoo;"
Now mark how it happened, and bo
very careful
Don't let such a dreadful thing hap
pen to you.
One day as she "boo-hobed," tho north
wind was blowing,
He merrily chuckled, "'Twould be a
fine go
To freeze up that face in its dreadful
contortion,
And leave It forever just twisted
up so."
And so he breathed on it; his breath
was so Icy
It froze up her face! It was never
thawed out,
But always remained in its ugly con
tortion A warning to girls who cry "boo
hoo" or pout
Ellen A. Famarind.
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Sullivan (Ind.) Democrat: Demo
crats have an opportunity this year to
score a magnificent victory. Trust
domination and legislation exclusively
for tho benefit of financial interests,
have grown to be burdensome to vot
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republican party has had absolute
charge of national policies during the
past two years and has done absolute
ly nothing to protect the people
against the encroachment of the trusts.
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