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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 3, 1902)
The Commoner. 10 Vol. a, No. 37. I Whether Common or Dot I A Day of Grief. Thoro was weeping and wniling and smashing of teeth When Henderson flcio the track. ,, And rauttorings dcop o'er the Sagamore hoath, When Henderson flew the track. -Tho tolophono spluttorod and Allison moaned, " ' Undo Mnraua grew pale and he actually groaned, And Bnbcock shod tears as ho mournfully 'phoned, Wlicn, Henderson fUno the track. Thoy had a fine schomo they'd framed up with care, WJun Henderson flew the track. -.. Thoy saw it go glimmering off in thin air, When Henderson flew the track. Thay shuddered in fright at the terrible fluke Porformod by the statesman from far off Dubuque, , ' ; And thoy made some quotations not takonfrom Lukbj WJicn Hendersoyi flew the track. ' ' :.- There was gleaming of molars on Sagamore Hill, Wlicn Henderson flew the track, A bunch of high taxors who folt very ill, When Henderson flew the track. They'd decided the tariff should not bo discussed; That Roosevelt should mako somo remarks 'bout the trust And then they woro filled with dismay and disgust, . When Henderson flew the track. Their beautoful schemes were all knocked galley west, Wlten Henderson flew the track. And hugo heaving sobs shook each senator's breast, When Henderson flew the track. Thoy sat thero in silence and shook 'with dismay ' "' When they heard the sad news from Dubuque, Iowa. ' But they swore some bluo streaks as they left Oystor Bay, Wlien Henderson flew the trade. Nor any other writer of Luke's class. H tJ" I -f H I 1 H A Little Pable. A man who, by much scheming and manipulation of venal law-makers, succeeded in acquiring control of one of tho chief necessaries of life, went out among his thousands of workmen and called to-them, saying: "Behold, all this property is given to mo in trust by Providence that I JJJUjr UULUIUIBIUI It JLU1 IUU UUUUUL UV. the laborers." "Hurrah!" exclaimed the army of world ngrnen. "I seek only to be a just adminis trator," said the man. 'Hurrah!" exclaimed the working men. "And as a just administrator' con tinued the man, "I am compelled to remark1 that the property is not pay ing large enough dividends to me and Dividends altogether too large to you. Therefore I am compelled, much against my will, to reduce your wages from S7 cents a day to 67 cents a day." "But will your share be increased or decreased?" queried a workingman Who had not yet learned to know his place. '"I am forced to toll you that it is ' npne of your business," retorted tho iiian. t "But you just told us that the prop erty hod been given you In trust to administer for the benefit of the la boreis." "Alas," ejaculated the man, "I see that your mind is not yet capable of distinguishing the niceties of our mod ern thought" Then the laborers quit work for a time for the purpose of consulting to gether as to their best interests, whereupon the man secured an injunc tion from a federal judge and com pelled the laborers to walk apart When they asked him to arbitrate he replied: "I have nothing to arbitrate. As ad ministrator of the estate I am respon sible alone to Providence, and just now Providence is busy helping tho uumimsirauon taice care of a few thousand islands 'thrown into our laps.' Moral: What's the matter with ad ministering your own estate? A VIctlHi. Otto Work "Yes, mum, I'm a vic tim of tender conscience." Mrs. Nuwed "Poor man. While you eat this lovely pie you may tell me your troubles." Otto Work "Thank ve. miim. vr see it's jus' dis way. Once I was high up in de political world. Honors wuz mins. But me party excuse dese tears, mum mo party took do wrong side of a important question an' I had to shake it Since den I've been a wanderer on de face o' de earth." is generally his mother's helper. Boys who sow wild oats are usually provided with the seed. Forethought. "But will your constituents stand for it?" queried the chairman of the cam paign committee. "People!" snorted Senator Graball. "What have tho people got to do with it? I've already been given tho list of our party's candidates for tho leg islature, and tho corporations that named 'em must put up the money if they expect to get those little bills through." Nimrod. "Here's where I do a little big game hunting," remarked the workingman as he deposited a democratic ballot in the box. "What kind of big game?" "Baer." Explained. "The cash is six cents short," said the proprietor of the New York Deli catessen as he finished counting up the day's receipts. ' "Well, I can't imagine how it hap pened," said the cashier. "You must think. It won't do to leave tho books unbalanced." "Let me see. Six cents. I won Oh, yes, Russell Sage ate lunch here today and didn't have his pocketboolc with him. I rang up while he was searching for it" Balked. "So Hank Jones' hoy went down t' New Yorlc t' be a financier, did he?" "Yes, but ho failed. They dumped him into jail before he got more'h half of his employer's money." A Terrible Threat Mother Monkey was in despair. Her son would not mind her and seemed bent on breaking her heart As a last resort Mother Monkey took a desperate chance. "Look here!" she cried. "If you don't behave yourself like a little monkey should I'll send you down to Newport and make you associate with the Smart Set" With a howl of terror her offspring declared that he would forever more be good. Modern Definitions. Administrator A paltry excuse for ignoring the right Organization Something capital claims for itself and denies to labor. Providence A convenient thing to lay blame upon. Philanthropy Purchasing immunity by giving back half the swag. Merger Tho closing together of two or m'ore trusts with a view to squeez ing the people between. Boygraphs. The average boy willv thrive on the treatment accorded to a favorite hunt ing dog, but ho deserves better than that If every father realized that his son tried to walk in his footsteps he would strive to walk a little straighten Darkened "best rooms" have sent many a boy to tho brightly lighted resorts of sin. The boy who is his father's comrade Stygian Society. The shades of Shylock, Henry VIII. Sitting Bull, Weyler, Captain Kidd and Claude Duval strode into the presence of the ruler of the Country of Shades. Je Protest!" shrieked Captain Kidd, who acted as spokesman. "Well, what are you kicking about now?" growled Satan. "We want it understood that we have some pride left, and we kick on your action in putting that latest arrival in our social set." , "k?yB see; wh0 was it that came lastj . "Wo don't know his name, but when he came in he introduced him self as a man who had gobbled up the earthly coal fields and posed as one of the administrators of Providence mat'cTals."116."116 at associng with Recognizing tho justice of the pro test tho ruler issued the proper order. BfalH Leak. Tha dollar, mark is -unknown in heaven. u Prayer is the key that unlocks tho door of hope. Tne eyes of Faith have no need for theological spectacles. The palaco on tho hill is no nearer heaven than tho hut in the valley. Faith walks in the light while Doubt stumbles and falls in the dark. The shores of Tomorrow are strewn With the wrecks of indolent endeavor. Comparatively few souls have been saved by sermonettes smothered in concerts. If you are really a Christian your neighbor will know It without you telling him. There is always hope for the man who realizes the limitations of his own knowledge. A great many people expect to col lect usury when they lend to the Lord by giving to the poor. Some people have a habit of "lean ing so heavily on God that their feet don't touch tho ground. The man who is too good to take part in politics is never too good to profit by a political reform. There is something wrong about the religion that leads a mother or father to neglect home and children. The, best place to get a census of the working members of a church is at the mid-week prayer meeting. Men who are always ready to give an excuse for doing wrong seldom see any reason for doing right Some men are so conscientious that they won't give with their right hand for fear the left hand will find it out Satan uses tempting bait for every victim save tho profane, swearer. The profane swearer takes the bare hook. Giving back to the victim half of tho swag wrested from hjni does not make a philanthropist out of the highway robber. Captains of industry have a habit of standing behind the firing line and waiting until the time comes for loot ing the baggage trains. . Will M. Maupin. Short Stops.' In 1900 France exported 1,000 horses more than she Imported, whereas Ger many had to import 90,000 more than she exported . Georgia fruit growers are claiming that the peach crop of their state yields more money to the producers than does the cotton crop. British commissioners In South Af rica say trade there is in the hands of trusts and combinations, which threaten the country's development. More than half tho quantity of cheese imported into Britain comes from Canada. Improved cheese rooms are now being fitted on the big liners. The shortest people in Europe are ti-e Laplanders. The height of the men averages 4 feet 11 inches and the height of tho women two inches less. A report on agriculture for North Carolina shows the valuation of farm property to be $233,834,693, of which about $30,000,000 represents live stock and ?9,000,000 machinery and imple ments. The value of all farm products shows a rapid growth. Tha Cocos, or Keeling islands, which belong to tho British empire, are tho private property of G. Clunis Ross, who lives on them and governs their primitive population as an autocrat They are a ring of coral atolls lying 600 miles off Java Head. I y '.t,-