The 'Commoner.
Sept. 5, 190a
15
GOOD SHORT STORIES
Mt f Inlt7.
T3e youthful attorney secured a yer
iict in favor of the Irishman charged
with murder, on the ground of tem
porary insanity, says the Philadelphia
Telegraph. He did not meet his client
again for several months, when the
following remarks were exchanged be
tween them:
"Well, Pat, isn't it about time you
gave mo that extra ?200?" ,
"Faith, an' what two hoondred is
thot?"
"The $200 you promised if I saved
that worthless neck of yours."
"Shure, an' did Oi promise that? 01
don't ramimber."
"Why, Pat, you promised it me."
Pat scratched his head for a min
ute, and then with a smile outlawed
the claim with the remark:
"Oh, well, but ye know Oi was crazy
thin."
Lacked One Brick.
The late distinguished architect,
Richard M. Hunt, says the New York
Times, used to relate that in his
younger days, while supervising the
erection of a brick building, a recent
arrival from Cork applied for a job
and was employed as a hodc&rriei4 af
ter being instructed that he must al
ways carry up fourteen bricks in his
hod. One morning the supply of brick
ran out, and do his best tho new man
could find but thirteen to put in his
hod. In answer to a loud yell from
the street one of the masons on the
sixth story staging shrieked down:
"What do you want?"
"T'row me down wan brick," said
Pat, -pointing to his hod, "to make
me number good."
What It Taught.
A gentleman visiting a minister was
asked to atten-1 a Sunday school at his
host's church, and address a few re
marks to the children, relates the Scot
tish American. He took the familiar
theme of the children who mocked
Elijah on his journey to Bethel how
the youngsters taunted the poor old
prophet, and how they were punished
when two she bears came out of the
woods and ate forty and two of. them.
"And now, children," said the
speaker, wishing to learn if his talk
had produced any moral effect, "what
does this story show?"
"Please, sir," came from a little girl
well down in front, "it shows how
many children two she bears can
hold."
What He Came For.
Of course it happened in Chicago,
uays the Youth's Companion, where
the general breeziness of the west is
shared by the waiters in the restaur
ants. A gentleman, prominent in so
cial circles, had entered an eating
house, and was immediately ap
proached by one of the knights of the
white napkin, who remarked, cheer
ily: "I have pig's feet,' calf's brains and
deviled kidneys."
"Have you?" replied the Chicago
man. "Well, what do I care about
your ailments! I came to eat."
Power of Whisky.
"Whisky," shouted the lecturer,
'will take the coat off a man's stom
ach." "Worse than that," grumbled the
man with the pawn ticket; "it will
take the coat off his back." Phila
delphia Record.
Uaanswerable Argument.
While the late Judge Thurman of
Ohio was in congress, says the New
York Times, his wife, leaving for a
Tlsit to friends, exacted from the judge
a promise that he would be a "teeto
taler", during her absence. On the
day of Mrs, Thurman'a return the
judge stopped in tho dining room be
fore going to welcome her to take a
drop of that from which ho had ab
stained during her absence. While in
the act of pouring whisky into his
glass he heard Mrs. Thurman patter
ing down the stairs. Quickly putting
his left hand, in which ho held the
glass, behind him, with his right hand
Extended, he said:
"I am glad to see you home, my
dear."
"Allen, what have you behind you?"
"Whisky, my dear."
"Oh, Allen! Don't you remember
last year, when you were stumping
the state, you didn't taste a drop, and
you were nevor so well in your life?"
"Yes, my dear, I remember; but wo
Jost the state."
What Werrled Him.
In his lpter years, although his in
tellect was unimpaired, Thaddeus
Stevens was physically so infirm that
in journeying back and forth between
his hotel and tho house of representa
tives he used two sturdy young negro
men to carry him in a chair built on
the Sedan pattern, says the Philadel
phia Times.
Snow, sleet and frost had made the
trip rougher than usual one morning,
and the old statesman was jostled
rather uncomfortably. He bore it all
without complaint until 'the bearers
sot him down inside the corridor. As
he was assisted from the chair he said:
"Thank you, boys thank you! I
orten wonder how I'll make out when
you two die."
A Child's Gratitude.
Speaking of hospital children, a New
York physician, in an account of his
work among them, says:
One little fellow, whom I knew very
well, had to have some dead bones
removed from his arm. He got well
and perhaps thought I had taken a
good deal of interest in him, although
I was not conscious of showing him
extra attention. The morning he was
to leave he sent for me. When I
reached his bed I bent over him.
" 'Well Willie,' I said, 'we will miss
you when you are gone,' and after
ward, 'Did you want to see mo spe
cially?' "Tho little fellow reached his hand
up and laid it on my shoulders as I
bent over him and whispered:
" 'My mamma will never hear the
last about you.'
"Could any one express gratitude
more beautifully?" Utlca Observer.
Wasted Her Life.
A story Is told of how Mrs. Caroline
Corbln of Chicago became an active
anti-woman suffragist, says the New
York Tribune. She was a school
friend of Miss Susan B. Anthony. In
later years the two women met In
Washington.
"What have you been doing all this
while?" asked Miss Anthony.
"Bringing up four boys," was the
answer.
"Boys!" exclaimed the outspoken
Susan. "What under the sun is a
woman like you -doing with four
boys?"
"I don't know. Would you expect
me to strangle them?"
"Bosh!" was the reply. "You should
never have had them. They will be
nothing but men."
HEADACHE
At aX drug stores. 25 Dnm 25c
Tho Qrat Clod, Success.
John W. Gates gavo a waiter at
Saratoga a $000 bill for a tip. Gustav
at once took off his apron, turned in
his resignation, opened a bottlo of wino
and off to the races. By this tlmo he
is a petty capitalist or bankrupt, ono
good waiter spoiled in either case.
Gates Is spoken of reverently as a
man who made $25,000,000 in a fow
years.
Fact Is, ho never made a cent He
won it by gambling, much of it by
gambling with loaded dice. If he has
earned any money at all in tho last
five years it is much less than his
board in the same time.
Gates is held up as a man to imi
tate by our common ideals. Public
opinion holds that it is a man's busi
ness to succeed and Gates has suc
ceeded. A whiff of his money goes to
a waiter who at once sets out to imi
tate his success on his trivial scale.
And yet moralists conduct cam
paigns against nlckle-In-the-slot ma
chines. Red Wing (Minn.) Argus.
GOOD TIMES. .....
The times are good by comparison
with the past eight years. A recent
republican paper boasts that tho mon
ey circulation now amounts to $28 per
capita, being larger than ever before.
This condition is tho continuing proof
of the fact that tho republicans were
wrong when they cried thore is plenty
of money in '9C. For three years they
tried it and in spite of the golden
flood from the Klondike matters grew
worse Instead of better. They then
took democratic medicine, put a repub
lican wrapper around it, affixed the
Mark Hanna label and took some stiff
alopathic doses of more money, gold,
silver and paper.
Under the new currency act 509 new
banks were established in six months
and tho bank note issue Increased
from 245 millions to 632 millions. This
had so good an effect that they tried
more democratic remedies and in tho
year 1899 and 1900 they actually
coined 111,000,000 In silver putting new
blood Into our commercial circulation
and thank you, we're feeling better,
We are glad our doctor changed medi
cine, even if prejudice did keep us
from changing doctors. Havana (III.)
Democrat.
A Coming Business Man.
"There is a lad who will bo rich
some day," a business man said the
other morning on his way down Chest
nut street. He nodded as he spoke to
ward a youth who stood at a little
newspaper counter and had already
selected and folded two papers, which
he handed to the business man with
a polite and pleasant greeting. "This
boy," resumed the capitalist, as he
continued on his way, "will remember
you if you only buy once from him,
and on your next appearance he will
have your paper folded for you ' be
fore you have your money out I buy
two papers in the morning, ono in the
afternoon and three on Sunday; the
boy always remembers my wants, and
I am saved the trouble of stating them.
I am flattered, too; his attentions and
his politeness have made me the young
salesman's friend." Philadelphia Record.
In Good Company.
The Casablanca of journalism is
the Columbus Press. It proposes'
to stay "on the burning deck,
whence all but it has fled." Day
ton Herald.
If you will just look around, you
will see that the Press does not stand
alone. Besides a number of democratic
dally and weekly papers in Ohio there
are such good sound democratic pa
pers in the east as the Buffalo Times,
Johnstown Democrat, New Haven
(Conn.) Union, Concord (N. H.) Pa
triot, besides many loyal papers in the
south and west, and all preaching the
same kind of democracy that is to be
found in The Commoner. Yes, thank
you, tnc press is In good company.
uoiumuus (O.) Press.
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