V'.-
The Commoner.
Aug. 22, 190a
15
GOOD SHORT STORIES.
I The Chicago News is responsible for
10 following:
"nni 1 mtjt .t. .t.. i. i
ling lost when you know where it is?"
l"Mn ftn fnnl ana-nra-rart lio nonfoln
f ' J j.vf, auanvicu Wi wwm,
mo, oeing a wise man, abhorred frlv-
lous questions.
TXrll nU ... ,-.... .I1. . nnt I .
irou, ii, jr-vui buy 01 ica pvji. 1a ai
10 bottom Of the sea'
Exit cabin boy.
is .
He had sprung so many gags at her
& expense that she thought it time to
;get even.
"Henry," she exclaimed, as ho came
hom"e to dinner, "I heard -something
this morning that opened my eyes."
"What was it?" he demanded, ex
citedly. "Why, the alarm clock, goose."
An absent-minded elderly man en
tered the station at Rockville Centre,
L. I., the other day. Nervously finger
ing a dollar bill, he approached the
window and asked:
"What's the fare to Rockville Cen
tre?" The agent looked at him a minute,
and then said, in a loud voice:
"This Is Rockville Centre."
The old man with the far-away look
In his eyes pushed the dollar bill under
the grating and said, clamly:
"Give me a return ticket"
Mr. De Style "I paid only $3 for my
Panama today." '
Mrs. De Style "That's reasonable."
Mr. De Style "You bet And the
hatter told me he's going to block and
press it for only $17 more."
"Why do you think your town is en
titled to distinction?" asked the tour
ist ., .
"Because, stranger," responded the
native, "we barred out automobiles and
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.World-Herald 135
refused a Carnegie library."
"And the voltaic current," continued
the lecturer, "was the discovery of
Volta, and its development is a com
paratively recent achievement Of
science."
A still, small individual hoisted him
self to a chair in the rear of the hall.
"Hold on there, professor! What
about the earlier discoveries of Noah?"
"I don't understand you, sir!"-
"Then brash up! Didn't Noah make
the arc light on Mount Ararat?" Bal
timore News.
"What do you consider domesticity
in man?"
"It is a trait of wanting to stay
homo when his wife wants him to go
out with her."
"And what Is domesticity in wom
an?" "That is the trait of being willing to
stay home when her huBband wants
to go out without her." Chicago Post.
They were three little maids from
school riding out on a suburban car,
and as they swung their schoolbags
they discussed the relative accom
plishments of their respective parents.
"My mama has been abroad three
times and can speak French just the
same as American," boasted one, flip
ping back her curls.
"My mother can play everything on
the piano marches and all," said the
second.
The third looked dreamily across the
fields. "I don't know that my mother
can do anything," she said slowly,
"but, O, she is such an awfully good
mother to me." Baltimore Sun.
When John Quincy Adams was 80
years of age he met in the streets of
Boston an old friend, who shook his
trembling hand and said: "Good morn
ing, and how is John Quincy Adams
today?"
"Thank you," was the ex-president's
answer. "John Quincy Adam3 himself
is well, sir; quite well, I thank you.
But the house in which he lives at
present is becoming dilapidated. It is
tottering upon its foundation. Time
and the seasons have nearly destroyed
it Its roof is nretty well worn out.
Its walls are much shattered, and it
trembles with every wind. The old
tenement is becoming almost uninhab
itable, and I think John Quincy Adams
will have to move out of it soon. But
he himself is quite well, sir; quite
well."
With that the venerable ex-president
of the United States moved on with
the aid of his staff. Everywhere.
There' was at least one responsive
hearer in the crowded little church in
a southern village, and it happened
this way:
Guests had arrived unexpectedly at
the county parsonage on Sunday
morning.
The weekly supply of butter had run
short, so the hospitable host dispatched
old Joe, the handy man, to his neigh
bor, "Mr. Paul, whose dairy always
boasted a surplus. The parson pro
ceeded to church with his well pre
pared sermon on some of the deep
sayings of the great apostle, and was
well under way with It when old Joe,
returning empty handed, concluded he
would quietly slip in and hear his
master preach.
Just as he entered the preacher
leaned over the pulpit, stretched forth
his hand with a most impressive in
terrogation in voice and "manner, and
called out: "And what did Paul say?"
Distinctly sounded through the church
old Joe's reply:
"He say, marster, he ain't going to
let you have no more butter till you
pay for the last you got." Tit-Bit.
Dtraocrats do not Need Another Janus
PJatform.
While tho republican editors are
busying themselves shaping a plat
form for the democrats of Ohio that
shall be ontlroly satisfactory to those
domocrats who havo been affiliating
with tho republican party during the
paat six years, there are numerous
honest, earnest and slncero democratic
editors in tho state who aro trying to
prevent tho party from again golug
astray after falso gods as it did In
1892.
In one of his sententious para
graphs Mr. Bryan through his Com
moner last spring declared that the
democratic party should have no more
Janus platforms, defining a Janus plat
form as ono which looks both ways.
Tho appellation, "Janus platform."
has become quite popular. It Is gen
erally understood that Mr. Bryan had
In mind when he wrote tho paragraph
the platform adopted by the Ohio
democratic convention of 1301 for the
paragraph made Its appearance short
ly after Mr. Bryan, was entertained at
a dinner party In this city at which
he met a. number of democrats who
were actively engaged In shaping the
policy of tho Ohio democracy last
year.
It will be remembered that W. L.
Finley, editor of tho Kenton (O.)
Press, endeavored to rescue the plat
form from InocuouB desuetude by of
fering a minority report as a preamble
for tho platform recognizing Mr. Bry
an as the leader of tho democratic
party and reaffirming tho Kansas City
platform.
But Mr. Finloy's offorts were in vain.
Mr. Finley was not present at the din
ner party, but he goes right on preach
ing tho true principles of democracy
in his excellent, paper, in a recent Is
sue of which appeared the following
relative to Janus platforms:
"Janus was a Latin deity possessing
two faces looking in opposite direc
tions. A Janus platform, therefore,
looks two ways. It may be mad tor
silver in the west and for gold In the
east; for tariff reform in the west, for
tho trusts In the east In short a
Janus platform Is a Grover Cleveland
platform. Do wo want that kind In
Ohio this year?"
If those who frame the platform for
the democratic camnaicrn in Ohio this
year will but heed the voice of many
representative democratic papers scat
tered throughout the state, we will not
have another Janus platform this year
nor hereafter. The Press has repro
duced a number of editorial utter
ances from the democratic papers of
what city bosses call "country towns,"
but these papers reflect the sentiment
of the rural democracy and the wishes
of the rural democracy are worth
heeding for the rural democrats are
not to be bought, bluffed, bribed, bull
dozed, brow-beat, bandied nor bullied.
The Press knows it Is but voicing
the sentiments of the large mass of
just such democratic democrats whn
it says tho democratic party in Oho
does not want a Jauus platform for the
state campaign this year-nor for the
national campaign in 1904. Columbus
(O.) Press.
The Reason Why.
In the restaurant on the top floor of
the Mills building young "Charlie"
Gates was lunching with two friends.
Waiting for the fish rew tedious, so
Mr. Gates took up a pepper caster and
proceeded to amuse himself therewith.
"Did you fellows ever notice," lie
asked, "that an American uses a pep
per caster this -way," (shaking it gen
tly up and down s"o that the pepper
came out), "but an Englishman air
ways taps it on the bottom this way?"
(turning the caster upside down and
rapping it gently). "Do you know why
that is?"
"Different natures of the races, I
guess," ventured one of the friends.
"Naw. it's to get the pepper out'
said Gates, jr. New York, Times.
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WKITJC TO-
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Two geographical experts aro mak
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l
