The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923, August 01, 1902, Page 16, Image 16

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

: '
"'. -
f 16 The Commoner. . I 1
Society. la it progression or a reversion to type ? New Yorlc Times.
. i
An interesting story showing-how on tale of woo as ho stropped the razor:
old colored -woman- oncer worsted Col
onel Ingorsoll is related by a writer
in the Woman's Homo Companion.
When Robert G. Ingorsoll came to
Washington from the west, his head
filled with legal lore and Infidelity, or
it would be batter to call It agnost
icism, ho encountered in one of the
corridors of the capltol an old negro
woman vigorously scrubbing the floor
when she heard any one coming, and
"when the footsteps died away busily
reading her Bible.
He slipped up on her very qulotly
one morning, and taking her by sur
prise; with her Bible, he said:
"Mary, do you believe all you road
"I sutanly do," she replied; 'obery
word, Colonel Ingorsoll."
. "Do you bellevo that God made man
out of dust?"
Tn onnnn T Anna
ill UUtltlD 1 UUUOi
- "Say, it happened to rain hard abouc
that time, and the dust was gone and
there was nothing but mud?"
"Don do good Lawd knowod enough
to know dat It was time to make dem
lawyers an' infidels, Colonel Ingor
soll." Bob walked away crestranon and
quoting Tennyson's N"In MemorianV'
"Leave thou thy sistor when she
William De Long, an employe in
Now York's department of water sup
ply, gas, and electricity, relates to the
Now York Times this interesting tale:
William De Long, Commissioner
Dougherty's right-hand man in the
department of water supply, gas, and
electricity, tolls this:
"There used to bo a Dutch barber
who kept a place in the city hero. Ho
had an assistant who was just about
as Dutch as the boss, but the assistant
thought the boss about the meanest
man on earth. Every time he got a
customer in the chair he would tell
f'1rttri nrM 1m4 rflst. v nn et4 w. .
He charches me 10 cents if I cud a man
und a quarter if I gash him."
Tho assistant went on stropping and
the man in tho chair was beginning tu
get uneasy, for it soemed to be a set
tled thing that every customer would
have something happen to him. Ho
waited in sllenco. Presently tho as
sistant resumed:
"Pud I don't care today. Pecause I
vun fifo dollars on dor races yester
day, und I mide as vel'l spend id dat
vay as any odder."
The customer suddenly remembered
that he had to catch a train.
"I never thought of that!" replied
tho inventor, rubbing his jaw.
Dr. Piller Your husband's stomach
is in a very bad condition.
Mrs. Newlywed Oh, my! Do you
think my cooking is responsible for
Dr. Piller Well, it's a severe- case
of gastritis, and
Mrs. Nowly wed Gastritis? Graci
ous! It's that gas range he made raa
use this summer! Philadelphia Press.
First Clerk Poor Jim! It will be a
long time before he gets another
place. "
Second Clerk Don't you believe it.
Why, he got a place as floor walker.
First Clerk You don't say so?
Second Clerk Yes, he's got a new
baby. Judge.
him all about tho boss. One day he
had a man all fixed, face lathered, and
head laid back. Then he began his burglar out entirely?."
A great many curious Inventions are
recorded at tho patent office, says an
exchango, and a great many others
that tho public never hears of are
"sidetracked" on the way there. A
brisk, eager individual called on a
capitalist for the purpose of interest
ing him In a device for discouraging
"I want to get "the idea patented,"
he said, "and I haven't the money.
I'm willing to go halves with any man
that will give me tho financial back
ing. My scheme is this: You first
make all your doors and windows se
cure, so they can't be opened at all
from tho outside make all of them
tight and fast, except one there qro
.plenty of devices for doing that now
adays make all of tnem tight and
fast, except one. Leavo that one so it
will open easily. Then run a wire
from that window to tne head of your
bed, whore you have an alarm boll.
Tho burglar comes along, tries the
doors and windows, and when ho
comes to that one ho raises it. The
alarm goes off and tho burglar hears
it and flees, or It wakes you up, and
you are ready for him. In either case
it accomplishes your purpose."
"But," said tho capitalist, "if you
can make all the doors and windows
fLst except one, why not make that
one secure, too. and thus keen the
"Johnnie," called the mother, "I
want you to go to the store for me."
"Wait a second, maw," replied tho.
youth, who was absorbed in a 5-cent
volume; "Pepperholo Pete has thirty
seven Injuns to kill, an' it'll only take
him about two minutes." Columbus
(O.) State Journal.
. The Philadelphia Times says:
Robert Barr, the novelist, recently
told a story to illustrate the Moham
medans' belief in the absolute cer
tainty of fate a story, he says, that
is a tradition among them. A sultan
was once asked by his favorite, the
grand vizier, for permission to leave
at once for Smyrna, although a bril
liant court fete was then in progress.
Upon being asked his reason ror, such
haste, the vizier1 replied: -
"Because I just saw the angel of
death yonder in tho crowd. He looked
at mo so earnestly that I know he has
come for me. - I wish to escape him'
"Go! Go at once!" said the sultan,
and then beckoned to the angel anil
asked why the latter had looked so
earnestly at the vizier.
"Iwas wondering," replied the angel
of death, "why he. was here; for I
have orders to kill him in Smyrna."
tie, which -ho courteously offered be?
fore each swig to his fellow passen-.
gers, one of whom, an ascetic look
ing man, refused the bottle with
scorn, and eventually delivered a lec
ture on temperance, ending with:
"You take awful chances In cloud
ing your brain with .alcohol. When
you again come into possession of your
normal senses, you may be In the gut
ter, you may be in prison, you may
be in eternal punishment!"1
After the berths had been made up
for the night, the jovial one stag
gered down the aisle, pulled aside th
flap of that occupied by the lecturer,
and asked:
"Where yoush goin'f ol' fel'r?"
"Pittsburg" this severely.
"Yoush didn't tip p-p-porter."
"I never do. It's a bad practice."
"Yo' take awful chances, o' fel'r, In
losin' your wits not tlppln' porter.
When you wake up, yoush may be In
Pittsburg, yoush may be in Fort
Wayne, yoush may be in Chi-Shi-cago!"
"Money and loot" is all that Aguin
aldo was after in the Philippines, ac
cording to Admiral TJnwov. Woll.
what else is there In the Philippine
civil government bill when cut down
to the bone.? Philadelphia (Pa.X
The Tariff Responsible.
The people need not look to the re
publican party for relief from burdens
imposed by the trusts, for the party,
protection mad, will not get at the
root of the evil and readjust the pres
ent tariff. It is the tariff which makes
trusts in this country possible, and
the republican party's attitude in this
regard is one of the things that wJU
make an anti-trust campaign by Presi
dent Roosevelt difficult. Rome (N. Y.)
The Pittsburg Times says:
A Jovial looking man on a Jersey
City-to-Pittsburg train drank fre-
quently and deeply from a quart' hot-
Great Reduction Piano and Organ Sale.
Tlanos and organs from 10 Amorlca'a leading: mak
ers will lo sold fpr Vj off of usual selling prices for 2
wooks boglnnlng August 1st. '1Mb is a genuine dls
count snio. No deceit, uo trlckB. Every instrument
warranted. Perfect-Satisfaction Guaranteed, a.
good piano can no bought In this aalo for $123: tho
very finest niado for 300. A flno 11 stop mirror case
organ for 39. All s entering Lincoln give half
rates during Kpworth Assembly August 5th to 15th.
Improvo reduced rates, visit Lincoln and secure one
of tbeso bargains In pianos and organs or address ua
for full particulars. Tell your friends about this sale.
Two Stores, 114-36 So. 12th St. Lincoln, Nek.