The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923, August 01, 1902, Page 16, Image 16
KS&" : ' "'. - !fi f 16 The Commoner. . wi.ss.- I 1 Society. la it progression or a reversion to type ? New Yorlc Times. MBMoMnruiRffraannMiHHvanMainMaHnHHHaaHM GOOD SHORT STORIES. . i An interesting story showing-how on tale of woo as ho stropped the razor: old colored -woman- oncer worsted Col onel Ingorsoll is related by a writer in the Woman's Homo Companion. When Robert G. Ingorsoll came to Washington from the west, his head filled with legal lore and Infidelity, or it would be batter to call It agnost icism, ho encountered in one of the corridors of the capltol an old negro woman vigorously scrubbing the floor when she heard any one coming, and "when the footsteps died away busily reading her Bible. He slipped up on her very qulotly one morning, and taking her by sur prise; with her Bible, he said: "Mary, do you believe all you road there?" "I sutanly do," she replied; 'obery word, Colonel Ingorsoll." . "Do you bellevo that God made man out of dust?" Tn onnnn T Anna ill UUtltlD 1 UUUOi - "Say, it happened to rain hard abouc that time, and the dust was gone and there was nothing but mud?" "Don do good Lawd knowod enough to know dat It was time to make dem lawyers an' infidels, Colonel Ingor soll." Bob walked away crestranon and quoting Tennyson's N"In MemorianV' "Leave thou thy sistor when she prays." William De Long, an employe in Now York's department of water sup ply, gas, and electricity, relates to the Now York Times this interesting tale: William De Long, Commissioner Dougherty's right-hand man in the department of water supply, gas, and electricity, tolls this: "There used to bo a Dutch barber who kept a place in the city hero. Ho had an assistant who was just about as Dutch as the boss, but the assistant thought the boss about the meanest man on earth. Every time he got a customer in the chair he would tell f'1rttri nrM 1m4 rflst. v nn et4 w. . He charches me 10 cents if I cud a man und a quarter if I gash him." Tho assistant went on stropping and the man in tho chair was beginning tu get uneasy, for it soemed to be a set tled thing that every customer would have something happen to him. Ho waited in sllenco. Presently tho as sistant resumed: "Pud I don't care today. Pecause I vun fifo dollars on dor races yester day, und I mide as vel'l spend id dat vay as any odder." The customer suddenly remembered that he had to catch a train. "I never thought of that!" replied tho inventor, rubbing his jaw. Dr. Piller Your husband's stomach is in a very bad condition. Mrs. Newlywed Oh, my! Do you think my cooking is responsible for it? Dr. Piller Well, it's a severe- case of gastritis, and Mrs. Nowly wed Gastritis? Graci ous! It's that gas range he made raa use this summer! Philadelphia Press. First Clerk Poor Jim! It will be a long time before he gets another place. " Second Clerk Don't you believe it. Why, he got a place as floor walker. First Clerk You don't say so? Second Clerk Yes, he's got a new baby. Judge. him all about tho boss. One day he had a man all fixed, face lathered, and head laid back. Then he began his burglar out entirely?." A great many curious Inventions are recorded at tho patent office, says an exchango, and a great many others that tho public never hears of are "sidetracked" on the way there. A brisk, eager individual called on a capitalist for the purpose of interest ing him In a device for discouraging burglars. "I want to get "the idea patented," he said, "and I haven't the money. I'm willing to go halves with any man that will give me tho financial back ing. My scheme is this: You first make all your doors and windows se cure, so they can't be opened at all from tho outside make all of them tight and fast, except one there qro .plenty of devices for doing that now adays make all of tnem tight and fast, except one. Leavo that one so it will open easily. Then run a wire from that window to tne head of your bed, whore you have an alarm boll. Tho burglar comes along, tries the doors and windows, and when ho comes to that one ho raises it. The alarm goes off and tho burglar hears it and flees, or It wakes you up, and you are ready for him. In either case it accomplishes your purpose." "But," said tho capitalist, "if you can make all the doors and windows fLst except one, why not make that one secure, too. and thus keen the "Johnnie," called the mother, "I want you to go to the store for me." "Wait a second, maw," replied tho. youth, who was absorbed in a 5-cent volume; "Pepperholo Pete has thirty seven Injuns to kill, an' it'll only take him about two minutes." Columbus (O.) State Journal. . The Philadelphia Times says: Robert Barr, the novelist, recently told a story to illustrate the Moham medans' belief in the absolute cer tainty of fate a story, he says, that is a tradition among them. A sultan was once asked by his favorite, the grand vizier, for permission to leave at once for Smyrna, although a bril liant court fete was then in progress. Upon being asked his reason ror, such haste, the vizier1 replied: - "Because I just saw the angel of death yonder in tho crowd. He looked at mo so earnestly that I know he has come for me. - I wish to escape him' "Go! Go at once!" said the sultan, and then beckoned to the angel anil asked why the latter had looked so earnestly at the vizier. "Iwas wondering," replied the angel of death, "why he. was here; for I have orders to kill him in Smyrna." tie, which -ho courteously offered be? fore each swig to his fellow passen-. gers, one of whom, an ascetic look ing man, refused the bottle with scorn, and eventually delivered a lec ture on temperance, ending with: "You take awful chances In cloud ing your brain with .alcohol. When you again come into possession of your normal senses, you may be In the gut ter, you may be in prison, you may be in eternal punishment!"1 After the berths had been made up for the night, the jovial one stag gered down the aisle, pulled aside th flap of that occupied by the lecturer, and asked: "Where yoush goin'f ol' fel'r?" "Pittsburg" this severely. "Yoush didn't tip p-p-porter." "I never do. It's a bad practice." "Yo' take awful chances, o' fel'r, In losin' your wits not tlppln' porter. When you wake up, yoush may be In Pittsburg, yoush may be in Fort Wayne, yoush may be in Chi-Shi-cago!" "Money and loot" is all that Aguin aldo was after in the Philippines, ac cording to Admiral TJnwov. Woll. what else is there In the Philippine civil government bill when cut down to the bone.? Philadelphia (Pa.X Record. The Tariff Responsible. The people need not look to the re publican party for relief from burdens imposed by the trusts, for the party, protection mad, will not get at the root of the evil and readjust the pres ent tariff. It is the tariff which makes trusts in this country possible, and the republican party's attitude in this regard is one of the things that wJU make an anti-trust campaign by Presi dent Roosevelt difficult. Rome (N. Y.) Sqntinel. The Pittsburg Times says: A Jovial looking man on a Jersey City-to-Pittsburg train drank fre- quently and deeply from a quart' hot- Great Reduction Piano and Organ Sale. Tlanos and organs from 10 Amorlca'a leading: mak ers will lo sold fpr Vj off of usual selling prices for 2 wooks boglnnlng August 1st. '1Mb is a genuine dls count snio. No deceit, uo trlckB. Every instrument warranted. Perfect-Satisfaction Guaranteed, a. good piano can no bought In this aalo for $123: tho very finest niado for 300. A flno 11 stop mirror case organ for 39. All It.lt. s entering Lincoln give half rates during Kpworth Assembly August 5th to 15th. Improvo reduced rates, visit Lincoln and secure one of tbeso bargains In pianos and organs or address ua for full particulars. Tell your friends about this sale. W. G. PRESCOTT & CO. Two Stores, 114-36 So. 12th St. Lincoln, Nek. .